How do you deal with having a life outside of step children

Amy - posted on 01/27/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been married for over 3yrs now he has a 12 almost 13yr old daughter and we have a 2yr old son. my step duaghter only comes to stay with us every other weekend sometimes less. but she thinks we have to sit around and do nothing until she is with us. My sons bday is right near christmas so i did his party the week before but she couldnt come because she went to disneyland with her mom and her sisters. last weekend my sister took me and my son to disneyland and she paid for everything but now that my step daughter found out shes mad and thinks i dont like her (which is not true i love her very much). How do we explain to her that we cant stop our lives just because shes not here all the time and that its not fair to my son that she gets to go do everything because she has 2 families and he only has 1 so he doesnt get to do as much. My husband and I do very little without her most of the time the stuff we do is maybe go on a date night or go to vegas which thats not for kids anyways we always plan big trips around when she is with us and here lately we have even had to beg to come visit. This was the first time i took my son anywhere big with out her and my husband didnt even go becuase he felt guilty going without her. so he misses out on both of his childrens life due to one getting jealous. anyways how can we make her see that we love her but we cant sit around for 2weeks or longer to wait to do somehting not saying we want to do something all the time but evry 6mths or so if something comes up.

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Sherri - posted on 01/27/2012

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Okay now I understand better. You said first she comes every other weekend now you are saying once a month. That obviously makes a huge difference and of course you can't put your life on hold in that instance.

Amy - posted on 01/27/2012

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@ sherri its not that i planned his bday party knowing she wasnt going to be ther his bday is the day after xmas so i plan it for the weekend before she knew that before her mom planned their disneyland trip. the point im trying to get at is we cant stop doing everything just becuase shes not with us we have to beg her just to come visit us its suppose to be every other weekend but here lately its once a motnh and thats with us begging her to come. I understand her having 2 families is not her fault but how is it fair to my son that she gets double of everfything and he doesnt we even let her go on trips with my husbands mother that we cant go on and also she is going to go on a trip with my brother in law and sister in law with out us we will be babysitting one of their children so they can go, we just want her to understand that if we do go somewhere theres no need to get mad at us it has only happened a few times and i also want her to understand that we allow her to go alot of places without us (not with her mom but other people/relatives) and we are happy for her and dont make her feel bad about it.

Sherri - posted on 01/27/2012

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I can totally see her point. Your son's birthday should have been planned when she could have been there, that is her brother and why does she get punished because she was away. You obviously knew this ahead of time.



Now missing a trip to Disney for one day because it wasn't her weekend well that isn't really something you can control.



This can't turn into a tit for tat. Yes she has two families but this isn't her fault, she didn't choose it. So she should be treated the exact same and included in everything as much as humanly possible at your house, just like your son would be. Yes it involves some planning but it can be done.



I can also see your husbands point. Why should he have to choose one child over another. We have a standing rule in our home if I do for one I do for all. If I can't do this then nobody gets it. It prevents anybody feeling more loved then another and has saved more heartache then I can count.

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