how do you deal with the loss of a child?

Molly - posted on 06/04/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )




my second daughter was still born i lost her a little over a year ago and im still having a hard time grieving over my loss any advice?


Andrea - posted on 06/04/2010




Sorry for your loss. My son died at 2 days old in April 2009 and I'm still struggling through the grieving process as well. The thing I find that helps me most is doing things to keep the memories of him alive. We had a balloon release for his first birthday and this weekend we are going to a butterfly release with our support group. I found that meeting with women who have gone through the same thing has helped. Is there a support group in your area for parents of a perinatal loss? I don't think the pain of losing a child ever goes away. I wish you comfort in your grieving process.

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Rebecca - posted on 03/02/2012




I just have to add my comment on here, even though the thread has been in-active for a while. I lost my son at 19weeks 5 days. So he was counted as a late miscarriage even though we had to give birth etc. He was due on the 13th march (10 days away) so we are going to scatter his ashes with his 4 yr old aunty(my big sister) and we've made a new headstone for them to share. It's an awkward situation because my jack was 2days shy of being counted as real. Giving birth to him and holding him, getting to touch him and kiss him was something I will be eternally grateful for. Thank you for letting me share my story.

Kayla - posted on 06/06/2010




Molly so sorry to hear of your loss, this is something that will get better with time but will never fully leave you. You will always wonder what she would be like, etc when you see other children that would be around her age. I miss carried my son at 4 months pregnant 3 years ago now and I still go back in my mind when I see a boy about his age (would be age) and now of I am the lucky mommy of a beautiful 18 month old daughter but that horrible day will always remain in my mind. I can only tell you to not keep those feeling bottle up inside, if you feel like crying cry and if you feel like screaming scream. I did find that a journal helped me a lot and maybe it will help you as well. I would take time to right in it anytime I was thinking about my precious Hunter Wade. I hope this helps!

Amy - posted on 06/06/2010




It takes a long time Molly, and you're never 'over it'. I lost my son 8 years ago this year & have a 6 year old daughter. It's not the same pain or wishing him back as it once was, but I still grieve him in my own way. Be gentle with yourself. There's a loss community on here & plenty of others online if you need to talk about it with other bereaved parents. I found the MISS foundation helpful.

Abbie - posted on 06/05/2010




I have never had a stillborn, but what I did with the first few miscarriages was found a way of closure. Some people plant a tree/ plant in memory of that child. Some write poems to express, some drink a lot ( honestly i have watched that too) You need to find what will make this easier on you. Whatever that maybe. Also you said it was your 2nd so I assume you have 1? Have you tried really investing time with the child that is here? ( i am not saying you aren't so don't get upset, i am simply asking) Also are you sure you aren't suffering from depression. Also a very common thing to occur after a loss of that size. I was very depressed after 2 of my miscarriages, to the point that I couldn't pull myself out of it alone. I needed help. But now after time I am back to myself. I would also suggest a support group, or finding people who know what you are goign through, because OMG people try so hard to connect with you and usually end up saying the dumbest shit.

No loss is every easy at any stage, but with it being a stillborn it was over 20 weeks and by that stage of the game you are planning graduations, weddings and all other things you expect to experience with that child.

You are not alone in this pain, but you must ask for help when you can't pull yourself up out of the pain alone. ( if that makes sense)

Molly - posted on 06/05/2010




thank you all so much for your input and your heart breaking stories... it means alot to me god bless you all

Jennifer - posted on 06/04/2010




I lost my little boy at 15 months of age to cancer. My advice to anyone reading this is to fully put your faith in the Lord. I was angry at first then I just started praying because I had no where else to turn. I prayed for my heart to be healed and to bring peace back to my family. I feel as though He has done that. It has only been 2 years and do I miss him yes every dingle day but the Lord has healed my pain. Do I ever have bad moments yes and I automatically start asking the Lord to bring comfort back to me. I tell this to any one who ask because I know with out the Lords help I don't know if I could have or still make it through.

Cheryl - posted on 06/04/2010




I am so sorry for your loss! I have no real advice to give just to say I will pray for you, give yourself all the time you need.. I have heard that the first year is the hardest and the advice to join a support group was good advice I think..God bless you and keep you!!

Sherry - posted on 06/04/2010




the grief will never go away.. with time it might lessen a bit... My cousin lost her baby girl 5 years ago and i know even now she struggles with it sometimes... Something that might help would be for you to set aside some time each day to "talk" to your LO. If your catholic the same principle as prayer...

Writing in a journal as if your writting a letter to your little one too can sometimes help. Celebrate the baby's birth even though the baby was stilborn. if your older child ask simply say it's a time to remember her sister that was lost to them... and that it's important that day (more so then others)

These sound like dumb suggestions I know but.. sometimes even the simplest thing helps. Veronica also has a good suggestion about talking to your other children as if the one you lost was looking down on everyone being a "guardian" angel.

One of my best friends had to terminate a pregnacy and even now I don't know what to say to her... Nothing I could say would ever help

Veronica - posted on 06/04/2010




I have suffered through two miscarriages. I did not carry them full-term, but I know how hard it is to put all of your hope and love and excitement into what this child can be, and be crushed when it never happens. The best way I have found to get over it is to talk about your child as they were (even if she never lived out of your womb, you had 9 months of bonding with her). Talk to your older child as if your daughter was meant to be watching over your family, and her job was too important to be able to be done here on Earth. You can refer to her as a guardian angel, or just someone that the other child can talk to. As for you, it will take a long time, but you will lose the heartache a little bit at a time. The more you talk about her as being happy and watching over you, the more you might begin to believe it. Celebrate her 9month life as much as you can, and try to refocus the thoughts you have that remind you of her being born into eternity instead of into your home.
I'm always here to talk. I hope this helps.
*big hugs*

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once a mother always a mother.. im so sorry for your loss cant imagine it.. i will pray for your recovery.. lil angel up there specifically for you and your family. God bless

[deleted account]

take as much time as you need to. =( i cant even imagine. i am so sorry that anyone has to go through that.

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