How do you feel about young girls dating older men?

Chasity - posted on 07/08/2016 ( 140 moms have responded )

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My sister is 17 and her bf is 21. They've been together almost a year. I don't see the big deal about it. I was wondering how moms of teenage daughters feel about 16/17 year olds dating guys 21+.
I'm open minded and I believe that love is not biased. As long as both parties are consenting and have common interests, it's not horrible to me. Biologically, it's proven that girls mature faster than guys, so a 17 year old girl could be more level headed than a 21 year old guy. Also, the age of consent is 16 here. So, parents legally can't stop it anyway. I know so many parents and older people are terrified by the thought of an older man dating a teenage girl, they say things like, "What does he want with her?"
But honestly, there are PLENTY of things that a 21-22 year old could have in common with a 16-17 year old (ex: interests, music, likes/dislikes, personality traits, maturity) just to name a few. Most young girls are actually quite more fun to be around and optimistic. I am 25 btw, lol.
BUT, I can say that at 16/17 I had a lot to offer and I would've been a great catch for an older guy. I had brains, looks, toughness, and a bubbly personality. Besides the point, younger women have just as much to offer as older women, if not more. Sorry for the long rant, but I love a good debate. (:

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Jodi - posted on 07/10/2016

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Because some of the things you are saying are coming across as incredibly immature and lack any true insight into what parenting a balanced well-rounded teenager actually looks like.

Jodi - posted on 07/10/2016

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To be honest, I am finding it difficult to believe this OP is 25 and has children of her own.

Jodi - posted on 07/10/2016

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"Well honestly, she doesn't have to. If a girl doesn't find her parents rules reasonable she can easily escape their bondage."

No, not without consequence she can't! Sorry, but I've said it before and I will say it again. My house, my rules, and as long as you live under my roof, there will be boundaries and expectations, and if you can't respect those, then there will be absolute, swift and consistent consequences. But I can see you clearly have little respect for parental boundaries, so.....good luck with that.

Ultimately it isn't up to the "child" to decide what is reasonable and what isn't. That is why the "child" has parents.

Michelle - posted on 07/09/2016

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You can't tell people what not to post. You have posted on an open forum and have even said you like a good debate, not you are telling us not to debate it with you. You can't have it both ways just because people don't agree with you.

The only reason a 20 something guy would like a teen would be because she doesn't have life experience and would probably do whatever he wanted because she would be scared that he would dump her. A woman close to his own age would actually have more of an opinion and wouldn't just do what he says.

Jodi - posted on 07/09/2016

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"You people should really stop making offensive statements about teenage girls"
- WE should stop making offensive comments about teenage GIRLS?" Have you actually read what YOU have written about teenage BOYS? What a moronic thing to say.

"stop undermining their abilities and accept the fact that they are young WOMEN who are maturing gradually."
- No, no they are are still children. They are maturing gradually, but they are still children with little to no life experience. Hence why you aren't actually an adult until 18. That is the age you are DEEMED to have gained enough maturity to make all the adult decisions after having gone through your gradual maturation.

"Just because I said "every woman" doesn't mean I was generalizing, you mute."
- That IS generalisation. That is the essence of generalisation. You mute? Wow.

"Because I was a teenager not long ago, and those memories don't just fade away when you get older. "
- I'm pretty sure every woman here was a teenager too. And you are right, those memories don't just fade.

140 Comments

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/13/2016

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No one was attacking anyone I merely wanted chastity to back up her statement, or realize exactly what she was implying. Since she has now clarified, to an extent, we are fine.

One cannot make such statements with out having someone call them on it. As far as being offended at your extremely broad generalized description of teenage boys, at least we gave you our counter arguments, rather than continuing to evade the issue.

Again, you stated that you loved a debate, chastity. That's what this has been.

Chasity - posted on 07/13/2016

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I completely agree, Evelyn. It's always best for parents to educate their kids before anyone else.

Sarah - posted on 07/13/2016

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To say there is not much difference between 17 and 21 is a huge fallacy. At 17, still in HS and still supported by parents vs. 21, nearly launched from college, educated, and prepared to live independently. That is only the social description. The physiology and brain development between 17 and 21 is vast to say the least! The frontal lobe develops immensely in that time from and that is where decision making is done. Whatever, you seem to have a justification for every scientific justification I offer, that is your issue. IMO your argument is like saying "second hand smoke does not cause cancer in non-smokers" just because you may have lived with a smoker and not gotten cancer is an exception to the rule. Maybe if you had just started out by not making sweeping generalizations; you'd have gotten a better reaction.

Ev - posted on 07/13/2016

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{{Nowadays you don't even have to have the sex talk, because they have other sources of finding out (ex:internet, friends, tv) but parents should still EDUCATE their kids before anything/anyone else}}

This point is where I disagree with you to an extent though you did say parents still need to educate their kids before anyone or anything.

Saying "you don't even have to have the sex talk anymore because they have other sources to find out" is not a good way to put things. YOU as the parent should always have the sex talk with your kids. YOU are the best source of information for your kids. The other sources like friends, TV, or internet and even just people in general they do not know are not good sources. Friends of the same age will give them wrong information because a teen thinks that maybe the myths about sexual things are truth when they are not. TV is not a good place to get that information unless you turn on Public Television to one of the science programs. Most other sources of TV prove to be false or are entertainment purposes only. As for the internet, I doubt teens really know what sorts of reliable sources to use to find the right information. Most teens would likely believe the first few sites they looked at. Their thought processes are still not quite adult in nature but not that of a younger child as they are learning to process things like an adult. Schools are trying to teach things but it is also quite a taboo as well because in some areas parents do not want their kids to learn it at school (parents teaching at home because of personal/religious reasons to some not teaching at all but still do not want their kids exposed), it is taught as an abstinence only class without the stuff on transmitted diseases, pregnancy, and the emotional side of it, and or the kids are sent to the nurses office for the talk or to get condoms. ( Sarah E., this is a generalization and some based on my experiences too.) I am in no way saying that all schools are this way but a great deal depends where the schools are and what is allowed to be taught. EX: I got the basics of sex physically in biology class from after the act took place to the pregnancy. Our "sex ed class" was my senior year when the divided the classes up in four groups to see two films on sex. Freshman and Sophomore girls then Freshman/Sophomore boys followed by Junior/Senior girls and then the Junior and Senior boys. That was it. This was back in the 80's mind you and the films were hardly current coming from the 60's at the earliest.

But as for parental education of their kids where sex is concerned, a lot of parents still find it difficult at best to speak to their kids and/or kids can not get comfortable with parents talking about it. Some parents do not even brooch the subject at all still this day and age so the kids have to get the information somewhere such as friends, strangers, TV or movies, and internet. And then the kids land in hot water and do not understand why something happened when their information ends up being wrong after they thought what they found online was supposed to be right.

If parents refuse to tell their kids, kids should at least be talking to a trusted person such as grandparents (some were not so taboo about it), aunts or uncles or older siblings, school nurse or teacher, even go to their church pastor if they have to to find the right resources.
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Sofia - posted on 07/12/2016

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That's true and a good opinion. I gotta say, I wish I had sex at 21! Would have saved me a lot of headache!

Chasity - posted on 07/12/2016

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@Sofia,
I believe that the most appropriate age to date is 16/17. Under 16, well if you get tempted to have sex, you legally can't consent. So, 16 is the best age. Girls should be well educated on sex, pregnancy, and birth control at that age. That way, if they DO get tempted, they can take the necessary steps to protect themselves. Nowadays you don't even have to have the sex talk, because they have other sources of finding out (ex:internet, friends, tv) but parents should still EDUCATE their kids before anything/anyone else.

Just my opinion. (:

Sofia - posted on 07/12/2016

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No need to apologize Chastity. It was very obvious by 'older' woman, you meant the same age as the guy. Only those who are ready to attack instead of engage would read it that way.

Sofia - posted on 07/12/2016

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17 and 21 aren't that different, if the 21 year old was responsible, going to college, working, respectful---that would be ok. I'd hope the 16/17 year old was responsible as well. They could have a lot in common but dating at 16/17 is iffy, not sure if I'd want my daughter dating that young. But...when I was 16---I should have dated the guy who was 22 instead of the one close to my age. The 22 year old was kinder, Patient and more thoughtful!
I must say---perhaps we can talk about older women dating younger men. In my 30's and beyond I dated younger men. 10 to 3 years younger

Chasity - posted on 07/12/2016

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Age doesn't always determine what a person has to offer. If you have good qualities as a partner, then you have something to offer. If you're intelligent, you have something to offer. If you're physically attractive, you have something to offer. It's not just about sexual attraction. Any woman of any age (who can legally consent) can fulfill your sexual needs. That's not all that a relationship is about.

Maybe I should have worded it differently and I should have left the "if not more" part off. I wasn't saying that a 16 year can offer MORE than a woman 21 or older. My intent was that some 16 year olds have great things to offer and just as much as an older woman. My apologies for not explaining it clearly.

Jodi - posted on 07/12/2016

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I think I can see Shawnn's point. You stated that " Besides the point, younger women have just as much to offer as older women, if not more." It's the "IF NOT MORE" part that Shawnn is questioning, and I can see her point. There is absolutely nothing a 16 year old can offer that an adult of his own age can't. So why say that?

Chasity - posted on 07/12/2016

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I also find it funny how when I stated that most teenage boys have nothing to offer, you moms became offended. Lol.

Chasity - posted on 07/12/2016

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Shawnn, listen lady, I've spoken my peace.
I really do not know how else to explain it to you. You can believe what you want.

Dove - posted on 07/12/2016

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Shawnn... you are so much more patient than me. There are several posts on the page at the moment that make me wish I could reach through the computer and smack someone.... lol

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/12/2016

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"biologically, it's proven that girls mature faster than guys, so a 17 year old girl could be more level headed than a 21 year old guy" and "the age of consent is 16 here" are not valid points to back up your very blatant statement that a teen has more to offer than an adult. Thanks, though for confirmation of our suspicions that you are most definitely NOT an adult, nor a parent. Neither adult nor parent would have had a problem presenting statements to provide support for their original statement, which is how a debate works, after all, and you were the one to state you love a debate.

This is a good one, but you don't seem to understand the term debate...

Chasity - posted on 07/12/2016

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There is no need to reiterate, I got it the first time. Why should I back up anything when I clearly stated in my original post what I had to offer when I was 16? I was speaking on behalf of myself, my teenage sister, and other teens who have their heads on straight. If that's not explanatory enough, well, there is no point in arguing about it.
You're just going to contradict my opinions and statements, so we can agree to disagree.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/12/2016

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Again, a post that COMPLETELY evades the question!

SMH

Only an immature teenager would stoop to such tactics. Back your bullshit comment up! If you actually HAVE anything to offer BESIDES a bullshit answer, that is....

I reiterate: Exactly what does a sixteen year old girl have to offer a 21 YO or older man that a woman 21YO or older does NOT?

There. I've stated it even more clearly than before.

Chasity - posted on 07/12/2016

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As an occupied, working mother of two kids, I don't have time to twittle my fingers on the internet all day. I actually have necessary requirements to attend to.
P.s. I've been out of my parents house since I was 17.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/12/2016

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Chastity...Where are you, and why are you NOT being a mature adult and backing up your statements, as requested?

The more you ignore it, the more we all are believing that you are NOT the "mature adult" of 25 with 2 kids that you are claiming to be...Did your parents finally rescind your internet privileges?

Nadine - posted on 07/12/2016

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Shawn, I think you are dead on accurate. I also have to say, not the mature 16 she claimed she once was either.

Ev - posted on 07/11/2016

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{Evelyn
So your parents didn't care about you dating this guy being that he was 24?}

It was not so much that they did not care about the guys I dated. He had to come and meet them and they had to approve. The reason they allowed as they told me was they thought he did not act 24 years old but more like an 18 year old which now I look back on it...that was pretty on the nose. He was not that responsible, could not hold a job for long (6 jobs in 6 months of dating), seemed to think things were going how he was thinking at the time, and it was not a real relationship really....I mean eventually he would come over and visit not date and fall asleep on the couch until he had to leave at my curfew time (I was given midnight all 7 days of the week but I decided 10 pm on week nights and then on weekend midnight because of school and I was a senior that year). I thought my parents midnight curfew was generous but I limited it when school was in session. So yeah, they were concerned and so forth but when they felt someone acted so much younger than his real age....it was not so much a problem to them...if they had known the things he had said and had done for our dates like the almost porn movies the one time....the suggestion of napping together which I thought he was wanting more than that....and so on....they would have stopped it.

Michelle - posted on 07/11/2016

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Dove: I was the opposite. My older 2 are boys and they are now 15 and 12. When my daughter came along I was hoping she would be a tom boy since I was and she had 2 brothers, of course she wasn't!!!! She's the girliest girl I could ever have had.
I'm not looking forward to her hitting puberty, she cried the other day when we were discussing her leaving home. She said she will never leave us and was full on crying. My husband said he is going away when she hit puberty if that's what she's like at 6!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/11/2016

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Chastity,

WHY ARE YOU IGNORING this: You have stated, and I quote: "Besides the point, younger women have just as much to offer as older women, if not more."

ANSWER THIS QUESTION: What, EXACTLY, does a younger woman have to offer that a mature, adult woman does not? I want detail. I do not want "I had much to offer at 16". I do not want "There are plenty of things a 16 YO has to offer a mature, adult male"

I want you to answer the question that is asked. You MADE A STATEMENT. NOW BACK IT UP.

Since you haven't done so thus far, my determination is that you ARE the 16 YO you are writing about, not an "older, adult" sister.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/11/2016

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Damn! a weekend of statehood celebrations, and see what I've missed!!!!!

to whomever called me "mean"...

Not mean, just blunt. You don't like it, DON'T READ IT.

I'm never not truthful...just blunt. Oh, and intolerant of bullshit and stupidity...

Dove - posted on 07/11/2016

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Oh man is that true Michelle! I was a parent of twin girls for 6 years... and while I knew I didn't know EVERYTHING... I figured I had kids and this parenting gig pretty much figured out. Then my son was born.... and everything I thought I knew... was wrong. lol

Girls are teenagers now and while I do have concerns about them... I also have a lot of confidence IN them... but I'm terrified for when my son hits the preteen/teenage stage (just because of his emotional disorders and his stubbornness... that stuff mixed w/ puberty... yikes... I may be on here begging you guys to fly over and HELP me! lol).

Michelle - posted on 07/11/2016

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We all have ways we think we are going to parent when we are younger and before we have children. Once the children come along and you are actually faced with the challenges of parenting, you quickly change your thinking.
It also depends on the personality of your child. You may have a very headstrong child or a more reserved child. You will need to parent them differently as they will respond differently to consequences.

Chasity - posted on 07/10/2016

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I am a parent of small children. It's way different with teenagers. My biggest stress as a parent is getting my kids to go to sleep at night (because they are energetic) and assisting them with getting dressed, making sure they brush their teeth properly, etc. I don't have to worry about major things such as dating, sex, rebellious adolescent behavior, sneakiness, etc.
So, you have a point. I don't know teenagers like you do.

Michelle - posted on 07/10/2016

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Jodi: Remember when we were teens and our parents were the most horrible people in the world? We swore that we would be the best Mum and wouldn't be so strict on our kids? Well now that I am a parent I am strict on my kids and sound like my Mum sometimes. Teens think they know it all and sometimes there's just no reasoning with them.

Jodi - posted on 07/10/2016

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" I will set reasonable boundaries according to their age and maturity. I'm not going to go on a power trip and treat my children like prisoners."

I'm sorry you feel that I am treating my children like prisoners. Believe it or not, my boundaries are perfectly reasonable according to their age and maturity. That will not ever include them dictating the terms of their rules around who they can be with at the age of 16. Ev said "And when a girl is under age, she has to do as her parents tell her. She does not get to make the rules and decide what she can do and not do." You said "Well honestly, she doesn't have to. If a girl doesn't find her parents rules reasonable she can easily escape their bondage." And I am making it very clear that actually, she does have to if she does not wish to face the consequences of going against the rules set by her parents. Parent have a right to set clear boundaries and consistent consequences. To declare that I would NOT allow my 16 year old to date a 20 year old or 21 year old person is not treating a child like a prisoner, it is actually a perfectly reasonable boundary. It certainly isn't some "power trip", are you kidding me?

You have clearly never parented teenagers. Come back and let us know how that is all working for you in 10 years. Until then, anything you have to say about parenting a teen is totally hypothetical and not even worth a grain of salt.

Chasity - posted on 07/10/2016

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Evelyn
So your parents didn't care about you dating this guy being that he was 24?

Chasity - posted on 07/10/2016

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Jodi
I absolutely respect parental guidance and boundaries, but when my kids are older I will set reasonable boundaries according to their age and maturity. I'm not going to go on a power trip and treat my children like prisoners. If they live in my home, it's their home too. Which means they should feel comfortable in OUR home. We are a FAMILY.

Ev - posted on 07/10/2016

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"From your story, you did the right thing by not continuing the relationship with the 24 year old, considering he was more serious than you were."

Chasity,
I do not think I explained it well but I thought I said this guy had a different job almost every month. How is that mature? How mature is it for a guy to assume that he is going to marry a girl? He was not really into being serious. My parents had raised me well on the subject of marriage and I had grandparents, aunts and uncles all married and together for years and years with the exception of some but not many. I knew what it was to be married but I was scared of the idea of this guy planning things without asking me a thing. To me he was not really that mature for being 24 years old.

Chasity - posted on 07/10/2016

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Well honestly, she doesn't have to. If a girl doesn't find her parents rules reasonable she can easily escape their bondage.
Age is a factor for ME because I know how immature some younger guys are and plus I am just attracted to older guys anyway.
From your story, you did the right thing by not continuing the relationship with the 24 year old, considering he was more serious than you were. In some cases though, young girls do want something serious. I have heard stories of girls as young as 16 or 17 getting married. It all depends on maturity. Now, even though I was mature at 16, I wouldn't have wanted to get married because I was content just dating and learning about functional relationships and important things to look for in a guy. That's just me.

Ev - posted on 07/10/2016

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Maybe it worked for you, Chasity, but it does not work for all. And when a girl is under age, she has to do as her parents tell her. She does not get to make the rules and decide what she can do and not do.

As for the age thing being an important factor or not---it is a factor. There is a difference in legal age and minor age when it comes to things such as dating. If you would not consider dating a 19 year old then yes you are stating that age is a factor and a big one from your past posts.

Do you think I should have continued to date that 24 year old man at 17?

Chasity - posted on 07/10/2016

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Well, when I was 16/17 I fit right in with 19-21 year olds. Sure, there were a few differences in our life stages, but I was finishing high school and they were in college. I felt "cool" being friends with college kids. I was mature and independent, so I felt on their level. We had PLENTY to talk about. Social activities, work, school, things that were taking place in our lives.
Age is not the most important factor in friendships and healthy relationships.
That's very closed minded thinking.

Nadine - posted on 07/10/2016

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My partner and I have 22 years between us. But I was 27 when we met. Had a career, 2 kids, divorced. I had been supporting myself and independant for years. We were equals. I could not imagine meeting him at 16 or even 20. I would have been a kid compared to him. At the beginning stages of my adult life.

Dove - posted on 07/10/2016

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I think our world is different here... cuz you can have a 10 year old kid who is 'friends' w/ a 20 something year old... Surfing and other adventures bring people together.... but please only friends. NO DATING!! lol And my girls have to 'reassure' me of that all the time cuz I finally gave an example to them of just how insane my anxiety really makes me... ;)

Heck, some of the girls' OLDER friends have become 'fascinated' w/ their little brother (8) because they work at the music center that he started attending a month ago. ♥

Sarah - posted on 07/10/2016

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I have a 10 year gap with my husband, we met when I was 21 and he 31 and married two years later. I was always sort of mature for my age but never to date a guy outside of my "peer group". Of course it is gross to consider that my hubby was 20 when I was 10, yikes. But once we were adults and both working in healthcare we had more in common and a relationship sparked.
I agree with Michelle, that when men I knew were in their early 20's they really did not want to hang out with HS students. They were more interested in exploring their new privileges of freedom, financial gain, career and social environments meant for 21 and up. I certainly never knew a 21+ man who wanted to chat about math, finals, HS sports, prom and all the exciting things that go along with being a teen.
The phrase in the OP "Most young girls are actually quite more fun to be around and optimistic" describes a lot of teen girls I know; which makes them fun to be around for anyone, not necessarily a dating relationship.
Do I think there are some random pairings out there between teens and adults that work? Sure, but by and large far more the exception than the rule. Certainly by no means is that a better fit than dating with your peer demographic.

Michelle - posted on 07/10/2016

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I'm still wanting to know how much a 20+ man and a teen girl would have in common. He probably wants to go to pubs and clubs with his mates (or a girlfriend) but if she's only a teen then she can't go. She's going to peeved at him if he goes out without her and he will resent having to stay home with her.
It's different once both are of legal age, then an age gap isn't so noticeable.
My Husband is 6 years older than me but we are both in our 40's so it doesn't matter. It would have mattered if I was 16 and he was 22. When I discussed this with him tonight the look of disgust on his face said it all. His only comment was what does he want with a kid?

Sarah - posted on 07/09/2016

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Ah it was a good one while it lasted. Been a long time since we had a 5 page thread!

Dove - posted on 07/09/2016

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My last comment was talking to Jodi. I am done trying to communicate w/ the OP. It's beyond the point of complete absurdity now, so has lost it's entertainment value.

Ev - posted on 07/09/2016

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I hear ya Sarah but I was out at my parents celebrating my dad's birthday early by a few days because my sis and I have to work.

Sarah - posted on 07/09/2016

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Well Evelynn you and I missed most of it together; I posted once earlier and I am already on the third page back!
Your son and my son sound much alike. James is dating right now but he goes back to USMA in a few weeks and he just wants to focus on his life.
PS You changed your ID!

Ev - posted on 07/09/2016

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WOW!! I missed the debate as well and I see that the rest of you answered good enough that I do not need to. Jodi, Shawnn, Dove, Sarah E, and the others I post a lot with....my daughter is one year older than Chasity. ONE YEAR OLDER.

Chasity--my daughter is a year your senior. She dated only two guys from sophomore year to junior year of college. She married the second one. They are married with two kids ages 4 and 2. I am pretty sure she would disagree with your statements here. I again also have a son 19 years old who is right now sitting at home with his grandmother whose health is declining rapidly worried about how she is going to be tomorrow because today she almost fell in front of him before he went to work. He lives with her but he works a full time job. He pays her rent/room and board, helps her do things she can not do so well now, and keeps an eye on her. He never has had a girlfriend as yet and frankly right now does not want to deal with all the "drama" a girl his age or even a bit older gets into. He also does not want to get married or have kids. But he did tell me at the age of 15 that if he ended up in the situation of becoming a daddy suddenly that he would take care of his child both financially and as a dad. This came from a 15 year old! Also I asked him what if the mother did not want the baby, what then? He said he would take the child and raise it himself. Granted he was only 15 and still not very mature but those answers right there tell me how he thinks. He is not one of the average teens almost 20 year old. He never was. But he knows how to treat a woman.

And as for the rest of it, a relationship should be built on mutual respect, honor, trust, compassion, care and so forth. Both people in the relationship should do nice things for each other not just one sided. Why should the girl be the only one of the couple getting nice things, going to neat places, and so on? Should the guy or other partner get the same thing? Yes, both should be treated the same. It is not a one lane highway.

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