How do you forgive you husband for breaking his trust with you?

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Alice - posted on 09/04/2012

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I dont know if its worth trying to save the marriage but i hope it succeeds from my heart , if he really wants it , i say it should be him to take the first step to fix things not you.



I can speak to you frankly i am recently seperated with two kids on my shoulders and even if it is hard and painful , i dont regret taking step to end my relationship. Nobody deserves to be abused physically emotionally ir humiliated espescially infront of the kids .



The most painful thing is to love someone who does not reciprocate , after 12 yrs its hard to let go espescially when there are kids involved its not that easy than said. Even so i did it ! i reported him and fought for what is right,



I faced situations in tears but courageously but still he ended up loosing after all this. He cannot enjoy everyday living with the kids like i do and have the warm family we are .



Violence is a monster which i had to defeat ,



I had to save the family .So i did , they are my priority as well as myself. I suffered my son doing same on mefter ex left but i succeeded in finding help and stopping my son also from bruising me , i cannot let son be a violent person so i stopped him and fight each day to let him know it hurts and is wrong .



Its hard to open a story like that to anybody but i am telling you to understand, be always cautious and alert and do not hesitate when he wrongs you to take steps .Never ever do! my story it came to the point when my life was always at risk , a prisoner in my own home . dont that happen.



Always follow your insticnts you never be wrong, you deserve respect. Now i feel content to have found the most precious of treasures peace , serenity of mind and freedom with my kids .I am not saying i am happy , loneliness yes can be present but i rather have peace than live in hell



.As a result i dont know if i can ever trust love or men once more but i do my best to hang on with god and all positivity i can find and keep moving on with my own strenght and courage with a smile . I already went so much by myself , he used to call me useless but inreality he knows i am supporting and leading a family by myself and that hurt him so much , when a person bullies or tries to hurt you its just a way of showing you his weakness all along . I dont want a looser by my side its for the best to lead by yourself and maybe some day i find someone you hold my hand and lead things together with respect as it should be .God bless you and good luck .

Joanna - posted on 03/17/2009

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Please be careful. A friend of mine was murdered by her husband 4 yrs ago and up until the day she died she would have told you that she would never think that her husband was capable of that.



Maybe telling his sister was his way of reaching out for help? If you allow the shame of what is happening to keep you silent you'll end up isolating yourself, which is unhealthy and dangerous. Maybe it's good that his family knows what happened? Maybe he'll be too ashamed to do it again now that others know?



My husband and I went thru a really rough patch and I know how hard it is to rebuild trust. I commend you for wanting to stick with it and fix what's broken. Please involve professional help, thru your church but also a therapist of some sort. And please don't allow yourself to be isolated. What happened is shameful, but not on you! He should be ashamed of himself. No matter what you never EVER deserve to be abused.

Keturah - posted on 03/17/2009

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domestic violence is about control, nothin else justifies it, has he hit u before? and has he done it since then.. I agree with one of the other women.. it was good that he told his sister. People always want to hide unhealthy things. Exposure is actually a good thing, expecially when it involves domestic violence. The only help your husband can get is to put himself in a DV group- where he can figure out why he felt the need to be in controll by being physical. Or else if u involve the police, they will do it for him. The next time he hits you. Call the police... just in case u didn't know domestic violence is a violation..... otherwise you are reinforcing the message to him that it is ok for him to put his hands on you. ...

[deleted account]

Violence is a vicious circle. If your child grows up in a home where hitting a woman is ok, he will most likely ALSO become violent later on in life. (or if you have a girl, she might put up with a violent partner too later on). Men should NEVER, under any circumstance, hit women. If you don't want to get out of this relationship for yourself, at least do it for you child.

Meredith - posted on 03/17/2009

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Rebecca, I'm a little confused.  So,  when he looks you in the eye and hits you , "because he loves you??". .. is not the issue.  but lying to your face, you just can't  tolerate???

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Sara - posted on 03/23/2009

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Hi Rebecca! I know you've gotten a lot of advice on here, and it's pretty good stuff too. I worked for many years with battered women, and all of their stories start out like yours. Ultimately, you will do what you feel is the right thing for you and your child, but I have to say that while I understand that you want to fight for your marriage, the chance that he will actually get help and never hit you again are pretty slim. I mean, you had to notice things before it actually escalated into the hitting. Was he controlling of your time? Does he limit your social life with your friends/family? Is he controlling of money? Is he untrusting of you? Does he talk down to you? Is there some kind of trigger when he does this, like alcohol? It's honestly not surprising that he told your sister. Abusers often manipulate situations to make them look good to other people. Sounds like him telling your sister is meant to make him look like he was sorry, and maybe he was, but that situations stinks to me. I've seen this so many times and I think that you need to talk to a professional in your area. Would it be possible for you to call an abuse hotline to get some advice or just talk? There is a national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE(7233). I would encourage you to call and talk to someone there. They are trained professionals and can you give support or advice. It's not ok for your daughter to grow up in an environment like that, or she'll end up in the same situation and wouldn't that break your heart? And don't forget, domestic violence has cycles. He beats you up, tells you how sorry he is and that he'll never do it again, then slowly things move back to the point where he hits you again, but then promises that he'll never do it again...you get the picture. Good luck to you and please, put yourself and your daughter before him.

Helen - posted on 03/23/2009

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He hits you ! maybe you could say the firt time it was a mistake but after that it is abuse. Get out now.

Helen - posted on 03/23/2009

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He hits you ! maybe you could say the firt time it was a mistake but after that it is abuse. Get out now.

Alexis - posted on 03/23/2009

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hi rebecca.

sounds like a bit of a pickle.... no you sister inlaw shouldnt have told your family what she did.... and no your husband shouldnt have done what he did...

i have been a victim of domestic violence, i was married for 4 years and i was thrown accross the room twice in that time but their was a lot of emotional, and financial abuse that went with that...

i think that when a man hits a woman and the trust has gone their honestly isnt chance of it coming back.. it will always be in the back of your mind. and unless your husband is prepared to accept that what he did was wrong and seek help as to why he did it and actually change within then you will never know if he is capable of doing it again....

i left and divorced my husband.....

i wouldnt say i forgive him for what he did as it was wrong, but i will never trust him again... i have seen that look in his eye since and i know that he hasnt changed...

i wish you luck and hope that your marriage is a loving and long lasting one...

but honestly if you are asking how to forgive then i have a feeling that you cant forgive him for this....

take care.....

Angela - posted on 03/22/2009

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I'm not one to usually give advice but you need to really think about you and your little one first. I am a survivor of domestic abuse and there is no forgiving them. You said that he slapps and chokes you there is NO reason for this weather you lost your job or not.I am saying this to you becuse I spent 10 years in an abusive marrage and I keeps hearing I'm sorry,I love you and I will get help and I belived him. Only after he almost killed me did I finally get out. You need to realise that you are worth so much more and you also need to realise your little one is seeing this weather you know it or not and do you want her to grow up and think this is how you treat the people you love? I want you to think about your little one becuse I thought I hid it from my boys and now that they are in there late teen they all have told me that they have memories of what happened and I never thoiught they knew. That hurts me to the bone. I wish you the best. If you really want to know what to do there are many people you can talk to there are councilers in every state that will listen to you and they do not judge, They helped me become the strong woman that I am today. God Bless you and yours

Jen - posted on 03/22/2009

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Domestic Violence: - Everyone's Issue

Female murder victims are substantially more likely than male murder victims to have been killed by an intimate.



In recent years - From US Department of Justice-Office of Justice Programs http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/homicide/in... 2004



* About one third of female murder victims were killed by an intimate.

* About 3% of male murder victims were killed by an intimate.

* Of all female murder victims, the proportion killed by an intimate declined slightly until 1995 when the proportion began increasing, although it has stabilized recently.

* Of male murder victims, the proportion killed by an intimate has dropped.<



By the mid 1990's, at least fifteen hundred women each year were murder victimes from domestic violence.



Fifteen hundred Silent Witnesses from all fifty states participated in the first Washington, DC 1994 "March to End the Silence". Each state's Silent Witnesses represented the number of women murdered by domestic homicide in one year of the state's history. (Silent Witness National Initiative)



American women have more to fear from the men they know and once loved than from any stranger. (Jane Brody, New York Times)



A third of all women's injuries coming into our emergency rooms are no accident. Most are the result of deliberate, premeditated acts of violence. And frequently they occur over and over until the woman is killed. (Dr. Kevin Fullin, American Medical Association, public service ad, Time magazine)



Thirty-four percent of the women homicide victims over age 15 are killed by their husbands, ex-husbands or boyfriends. (National Women Abuse Prevention Project)



Approximately two-thirds of reported domestic violence incidents are classified as "simple assaults," which is a misdemeanor rather than a felony. But up to 50 percent of these "simple assaults" result in physical injuries that are as, or more, serious than 90 percent of all rapes, robberies,Violence Begins at Home; Children and Crime as a Result of Domestic Violence



Eighty-one percent of men who batter had fathers who abused their mothers. (New Jersey Dept. of Community Affairs, Division on Women)



Children who grow up in violent homes have a 74% higher likelihood of committing criminal assaults. (Survey of Massachusetts Dept. of Youth Services) and aggravated assaults. (NOW Legal Defense Fund)

Annie - posted on 03/22/2009

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He has to forgive himself first, then you can begin to forgive him. It wont happen over night.

Kassandra - posted on 03/22/2009

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im sorry but if he has hit u once he will hit u again if u dont put a stop to it and just leave. NO child should see or even hear of their mother being hit from the father under any circumstance and if he hits u because he is angry at things happening, what will he do to your child if you are not around to take the hit??. im sorry but i have seen it all before thru my aunty and i can tell ya now its not gonna end pretty for your children, let alone for you. The are going to grow up seeing it and will take it upon themselves to do it aswell. maybe not to you but to their partners/children. im sorry if i sound a bit harsh but my aunty came out on the lower end of the stick. it started out as a punch or a slap here and there which in turn escalated to a choke and a few broken bones. after a while when she was too battered to move the scumbag father would turn on his own children and needless to say thats when my aunt lost her own life and her mum now looks after the children. the stupid thing is that there is no proof that HE did the final damage although we all know he did. To make matters worse the children are now violent towards their own grandmother. Its all a vicious circle and i myself will not be put into a situation like yours or my auntys. I told my partner and father of our child that if he was to ever hit me or our son in anger we would be gone and the only time he would see our child would be through either jail bars or with people watching him to ensure that he never hits out of anger again. I have been through the highs and lows of life with my partner including VERY little money and a child to support but never once has he hit me. I apologise if i have gone off track a bit but basically i want you to know that i have seen what can happen and how it starts and if i can inform someone about it i will. i will not stand by and see anyone hit anyone else out of anger because i have seen what it can do. I only have one question for you...Would you rather be heartbroken for a while and leave ya partner, or would you rather not see your child/children grow up. You can take my advice or dismiss it if you wish, but just remember if it ever happens again you know it will happen again and again so get out with your life and your child/childrens life while you can.

Keela - posted on 03/21/2009

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Quoting Rebecca:

He didnt cheat on me by any means, he would never do that. He told his sister we were fighting and he hit me. And she proceeded to tell everyone in his family that we were getting a divorce and that he hits me. My husband should never have told her number one and number two she shoud not have run her mouth either. I feel like my trust is gone with him and ll of this happened on my birthday.



Ummm  ....   I was really shocked when I read this.   YOUR HUSBAND SHOULD NOT BE HITTING YOU...   Who cares who he told and who they told...    YOUR HUSBAND SHOULD NOT BE HITTING YOU...   EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE

Jennie - posted on 03/21/2009

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That is how it start's a slap here a slap  there. Know one desives that.



I work with woman and children that have been in the same place that U are in.



It's never easy. If you have children then you need to protect them, they are the ones who will



get hert in the long run. You will never be able to trust him.  You will always wounder when it



happen again. That is no way to live.

Lee - posted on 03/21/2009

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I got flowers today.
It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day
We had our first argument last night,
And he said a lot of cruel things
that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and didn’t mean
the things he said
Because he sent me flowers today.



I got flowers today.
It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day
Last night he threw me into a wall
and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmeare.
I couldn’t believe it was real
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry,
Because he sent me flowers today.



I got flowers today.
It wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day.
Last night he beat me up again.
And it was much worse than all the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money?
I’m afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry
Because he sent me flowers today.



I got flowers today.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally kileed me.
He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered
Enogh courage and strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flower today.

Tandyfun - posted on 03/20/2009

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Hun, you need to step back from the situation and look in. Would you as a parent, want to see your child in that situation. No you would not. You or no other deserves it. If you truly want to work on your marriage you both need to step back from the relationship and get help. I'm very jaded when it comes to abusive men changing. I don't think it can happen. My ex-husband started off with locking me in my basement or bedroom, disconnecting my phone, pushing, hitting until one day he pinned my on my kitchen floor, choked and almost killed me if front of my oldest daughter. I had his handprints bruised on my throat for weeks. I couldn't do it anymore. I not only had to save myself by my kids. They are what gave me the strength to leave. Please don't become another statistic.

Gerridene - posted on 03/20/2009

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You are so pretty don't allow it!!!  Move on with your life.  Love don't hurt.  So he don't love you.

Kelly - posted on 03/20/2009

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In our town, several years ago, a man shot his wife and killed her in the single-wide mobile home where they lived, while their daughter was sleeping in her bed. The little girl was 6 years old at the time. Look at your daughter and think about that other child. Will her life ever be right? Will she ever, ever get over what happened? Please think about what this is doing to your little girl, and what it will do to her for the rest of her life, even if he never abuses her. You really need to find the strength to do something about this. Show her that you love her enough to make her life as healthy as possible.

Laura - posted on 03/20/2009

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A man should never hit a woman. There is no excuse. You need to surround yourself with supportive people (not his family) and heal yourself before you can even begin to heal the relationship that you have with him. You want to do what is best for your child, however that is not to subject them to violence (emotional, physical, whatever). There are several support groups online and in various communities. Good luck and be safe.

Gerridene - posted on 03/20/2009

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Well if a man hits me that will be the last time he put a hand on a woman. I will get him at night when he sleep.  (find a man friend) to be with you and hit him.  Normally they cowards and can't take it back.  Than I will definitly leave him and never go back to him.  One's a hitter always one!!!



My sister was married to one for 12 years.  They got divorce and he was now married three times again and he hit all his wifes.  He became a Christian but that did not chance him at all.  He just got worse because he is hitting with the Bible alwell. 



Good luck!!!

Anna - posted on 03/20/2009

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Quoting Rebecca:

he started hitting me a couple of months ago when I lost my job and mostly slapping me in the face and choking me


love does not hurt.... it only gets worse and easier for him to keep doing it... i had 3 kids when i decided i had enough... they dont deserve to be witneses to that.. and i dont want them to think that is the way life is and i didnt want them to continue the cycle.... i  wished i didnt stay so long with his sorry butt... but it will only get worse and easier for him to continue doing it.  And as far as running and telling your sister n law behind your back... I would be more mad if he just fabricated it out of thin air. You need to think about the your baby and what is more important..staying together for the child is not a good enough reason to get your butt beat up and choked. Been their done that and moved on to way happier times, and my kids are much happier too.

Gerridene - posted on 03/20/2009

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You begin with yourself.  Forgive yourself and be content with yourself.  Deside if you want to stay by him or not.  If you stay - you have to forgive and forget.  If you go you make a new life for yourself and don't cry about the past he is not worth it.  Be a strong woman and make your mind clear about what you want to do!!!   Be STRONG and stand up for yourself and what you want out of life and not what other want!!!

Sarah - posted on 03/20/2009

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It depends if your a trusting person which im not . It all takes time and forgiveness and trust should come in time.

Jessica - posted on 03/20/2009

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Ok I know lots of people may not agree with what I am about to say but this is from my life story not something I just feel is right. It is what I did and you may agree or may not. Ok so here is my story...........



I am not married to him but been with him for years. We have 4 kids (2 from his 1st wife and I have 2) we were both stressed and he too felt that I would leave him. He did hit me and brake things but for him beer made him like this. We split up and were apart for 3 months when we talked about giveing it another shot.That thing was he is not aloud to drink like that. 3 or 4 beers at a cookout is one thing he drank 24 every day before. We are now happy and have been back togeather for a year. So if there is something that makes him this way try and fix that I will not lie I still worry. We do get in to fights but I had to also learn to stop makeing things worse with my words. I said some pretty low things  and it did not help.

Carla - posted on 03/20/2009

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Quoting Rebecca:

I want to Thank all of you ladies for your Comments. I dont have alot of friends to talk to so I figured I would try this. My head has been spinning for the past two days and honestly I havent slept at all an hour or two here and there. I love my husband more than anything and I want to have him get help and try and save our marriage. Im just scared cause Im not sure How much fight I have left in me. Like I said before I dont have friends so I keep stuff to myself.



I'm glad you want your marriage to work.  God wants that too.  He created it and loves it.  He created YOU and loves YOU, too.  Someone earlier suggested a trial separation, during which getting help and counselling for him.  I say amen to that.  Remember, God would never want you or your children to be in physical harm.  Fight for your marriage, and exhaust all avenues to do so.  But be safe.

[deleted account]

Sometimes we fall in love with what we fantasize our life to be and fail to look at it for what it is. The only good thing he did was tell his sister. My sister went through abuse and alienation from everyone was the best thing he had going for him. Maybe his sister isn't the best person for him to tell but make sure that you are not allowing yourself to be alienated. You are in the beginning of a spiral out of control. If you can't leave for you, leave for your daughter. She needs to see her mother respected and loved. She needs to know that the both of you deserve better. Be smart and plan. If you are going to stay, make an escape plan for when you need to protect yourself and your child. Don't misunderstand. You need to leave...short term or permanently ???? Not sure but you need to leave. You ARE condoning it by staying.

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so what you are saying is he would never cheat on you but he hit you and lied to you what makes you think he would never cheat on you..a Real man never strikes a woman ..never . I feel bad for you and I would never trust him again either.

[deleted account]

so what you are saying is he would never cheat on you but he hit you and lied to you what makes you think he would never cheat on you..a Real man never strikes a woman ..never . I feel bad for you and I would never trust him again either.

[deleted account]

I am just repeating what the others have said, but please listen to all of us! GET OUT!!!! You need to take care of yourself and your baby. Please do not fall for his crap. Once is too many times. I am sorry you have to deal with this but you need to leave.

Alison - posted on 03/20/2009

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I can totally understand that you love him so much and dont want to let that go but no woman should be treated in this way. Im glad he has agreed to get help but any slip whatsoever no matter how small then you have to be strong and leave for you and your childs sake. It is good that you have the support of his family as it is obvilous that you need someone close to chat with and share your fears. Please be safe and really think about what is happening to you, your child will be scared for life if they see this abuse happening to their mother so if anything happens again then you have to leave, hold your head up high because your better than that much better.

Liz - posted on 03/20/2009

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Love is not suppose to hurt.There is no excuse for hitting.Your children shoudn't see or hear this .

[deleted account]

All of this happened on your birthday? Wow thats not good at all hunny. I understand that he told his sister that you guys were gettinga divorce and that he hit you? For one being married to someone and having there sibling not like you is always a pain in the ass..There always has to be that one person who doesnt like you for whatever that reason many be..and 2? is this the first time he has hit you? I would never stay with someone who has hit me..Even if you do have love for them..Just think that you have a child and you dont want your child to be brought up in a house hold like that..On the other hand the whole trust issue for him on running his mouth and also his sister for doing the same..Can you forgive him? If you love him that and couldnt live with out him then i would forgive him..on certain boundries though stand up tall..Keep your child safe and if he ever hits you again walk out that door..I seen to many woman who get beat up and still stay with there husbands or bfs..Its pretty sad.

Olga - posted on 03/20/2009

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Becky I read ALL of your page and everyone is right. Put your love aside. Sit in front of your child. Look at that beautiful face and ask yourself...Do I want my child to grow seeing a man hitting me just because of his insecurities? If your answer is yes then continue with the vicious circle. If your answer is no, then look for couseling FAST. When a man hit, push, grab her hair or even scream at you to make his statement ...THAT IS ABUSE. The same if a woman does the same to a man. Maybe he grew seen that or maybe you grew seen that and  it is OK. I said this because you are asking us about trust because he spread to whoever what ever problem is in the house. If he spoke about his issue and your name is connected with his issue to someone else that is not untrust worthy. You see he is venting his problem to someone else which he make a mistake because if he knows that you and his sister does not get along he should have not look for her advice because it will be not to your marriage favor. He should have look a a minister, a father or a counselor. If he has a quick hand he needs help. If you help with your argument for that quick hand to come out you need help. A marriage is like a business.  You have partners for the same purpose.  If the purpose change in any way you work for the  business to survive and if not you just divide and continue.  The majorities of the ladies out there that could say that theis first love was the one that really make them happy to raise their hand.  What! What! Believe me baby sister in motherhood few hands were raised.  Keep your eyes open and remember that the heart does not feel.  The heart that we celebrate in Valentine Day is in the Brain, so learn how to use it. If he really does not want to loose you he just have to control his anger and enjoy the days that he has with you and he will see that those days becomes weeks, then months and later years.  Life is not complicate our stupidity makes it that way. You have a beautiful child enjoy it because in the way that is going right know that child will have another daddy.  I am 56 years old, had four children, had two marriages, and my first marriage started with a slap because he was insecure and he did not want to loose me. Seven years later, two boys, some scratches, punches, and bruises I divorce him. Later after I was in college I met my second husband, left the area, had two girls, had an OK marriage and after 18 1/2 years I got separated due that after certain years the man start with what I call the menospause. I still could say I had a real good second marriage , still not divorce going into our 30 yrs marriage but separated and been good friends in comparison of the marriage I had for seven years.  Go to counseling your marriage is young but if he put his hands on you again do not call your heart, call your brain.

Laura - posted on 03/20/2009

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Quoting Rebecca:

he started hitting me a couple of months ago when I lost my job and mostly slapping me in the face and choking me



This is obvioisly not an isolated incident.    There are agencies in the phone book,  abuse hotlines, even your doctor or clinic have information posted in the restrooms!   Remember that you are not alone and poeple who have been through this can be a huge help to you.   I know you love your husband, but can you imagine how horrifying it is for your child to see Daddy choking Mommy?    You need to get help before it's too late.  These situations do not  improve on their own.

Amy - posted on 03/20/2009

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That is a good question, it depends on what happened and how you want to deal with it

Emily - posted on 03/20/2009

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I understand that marraige is a sacred bond that is not intended to be broken, but maybe a trial seperation should take place. You sound very serious about fixing the problem, but I don't think you can unless you leave. Not necessarily a divorce, but seperate to let him know that you are serious about not being treted badly, and not having your child see abuse. Let him know that you are leaving, but will come back only if the two of you take the right steps (together) by getting conseling and him taking anger management classes. As hard sa it is going to be you really need to do this. Think of your daughter...she sees this and is going too grow up and think that it is ok when her boyfriend or husband starts hitting her...do you really want to leave that legacy for her, or do you want to leave the legacy of a strong woman that knows she deserves the best out of life!?!? Think about and do somethiing soon, if not for you then for you child!! You are in my thoughts and prayers...take care!

Sara - posted on 03/20/2009

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when you find out let me know 2 because i've been triing to figure it out over a year now with little luck, we've even separated over the lost of trust. can it ever be the same?

Stephanie - posted on 03/20/2009

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Please get out. If he hits you it's only time before he hits the little one. she comes first no matter what!!! IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!! He does not deserve forgiveness. And you will never forget, trust me.

Katherine - posted on 03/20/2009

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I agree with everyone here who says its not worth saving a relationship if you are being abused. I don't care how many times he says he won't do it again, because sooner or later, it will.



You need to look out for the welfare of your children and your own welfare. There are plenty of other guys out there, who WON'T hit you.

User - posted on 03/20/2009

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is this a joke???? seriously....if you take it and just stay living with him there is no reason for him to change, im sorry but that is not a real relationship, from one person to another that has been in that situation get the hell out of there think of your daughter. i only wish you could know what its like to be with a man who treats his partner in life with respect and unconditional love. girl i have heard all the promises that they will change and the tears and the im sorrys and it will never happen again...its all B.S. and it will happen again. you and your daughter deserve better and i just hope your able to see that and get out of there before something worse happens

Katherine - posted on 03/20/2009

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I agree with everyone here who says its not worth saving a relationship if you are being abused. I don't care how many times he says he won't do it again, because sooner or later, it will.



You need to look out for the welfare of your children and your own welfare. There are plenty of other guys out there, who WON'T hit you.

Kelly - posted on 03/20/2009

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I have never been thru this, but have had a few friends that went thru similar stuff-I think you don't really see how wrong the hitting is, maybe because deep down you feel you deserve it, or whatever. From the experiences of friends, I can say that he is probably the reason you don't have a lot of friends. And, if there are control issues happening here, getting involved in a church is not going to help, because as soon as you start getting close to people, he is going to make you leave the church. I have seen it happen. You will not be allowed to get others too involved in your life. Just wait and see. You really, really should not tolerate this another day. This is not a healthy situation for your daughter, you, or him. Now I don't know whether counseling can "fix" him or not, it might be worth a try. But I think it will not work while you are living together, because he will not want to let go of the control he has. I think if you leave, then maybe you could work in counseling to make things better. If you leave, you are taking some control back, and that will be the only way he will want to change. I am a Christian, and I love my church family, and I strongly believe in the man being the head of the household, but I do not believe at all that God ever intended for a man to use physical violence against his wife. Just remember, none of you deserve to live like this, not even him. If he gets help and you can save your marriage and have a healthy relationship, you will all be better off for it in the end. Be strong and don't be afraid to take drastic measures if neccessary!!

Jodi - posted on 03/20/2009

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Seriously, are you kidding me--NO ONE SHOULD EVER HIT YOU!!!!!!! GET THE HELL OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP! YOU'RE CHILD DESERVES BETTER---HE'LL NEVER, NEVER CHANGE!!!!!!!

Tiffany - posted on 03/20/2009

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Quoting Rebecca:

oh he admits he is at fault or at least for most of it its just what will happen next



Honey this is a classic abuser stance. If he hit you once and got away with it he WILL hit you again.  Don't forgive him.... FORGET him.  As a member of the Been There Done That club I can tell you will all certainty that this is NOT going to get better. Please please find a support group in your community and walk away.... quickly!

Rebecca - posted on 03/20/2009

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I wanted to update Everyone and some of you will be happy and others may not. I actually had a long conversation with my husbands sister and it turned out that weve have been having alot of miscommunications from he said she said. We have worked out ours differences and thats wonderful because I need her in my life. As far as my husband his family knows and they have told him he better never lay a finger on me in that way again or he will be sorry. Jonathan has agreed to get help for his anger issues and we are going to start going to a good chuch , I want my marriage to work. He is a wonderful husband and has always been by my side other than the hitting. I see alot of potential with my husband. He has admitted his problem and is getting help. I appreciate all of your help and I do need friends to help me thru all this and check on me to be sure he is following thru with everything.

Jessica - posted on 03/19/2009

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Why are you so focused on him lying or "breaking your trust by telling your his sister" or whomever??? OOHHHH this is infuriating. Didn't he break your trust when he felt the need to harm you? I don't care what stress the two of you are under IT IS NOT OK TO HIT SOMEONE!!! you should have enough respect for yourself and your child to get out of that situation fast. Yes, he can get help, group therapy, anger management, but let him figure that out with out you there. If money is an issue there are shelters, family, heck a I'd rather live in a car then ever be with someone who treats me that way. And a lifetime ago I was in your situation. But luckily I was young and had no children. My husband and I are under MASSIVE amounts of stress right now. We just had twins, a daughter in private school and he lost his job in January. Our only source of income. To add to that his mother is threatening to take our home away that we rent from her. Yes, we are stressed and we get mad at eachother, but my husband loves me and would never in a million years dream of laying a hand on me. Because I deserve the best! And no matter what you think of yourself right now, you and your daughter deserve the best as well! Please check out www.ndvh.org/ It has 24 hour access to call from any state. Please don'e let this go on. Please don't try to convince yourself things will get better and he "feels bad". He'll get over it, get mad again and repeat his behavior. Like Oprah said "ONCE THEY HIT, THEY WILL HIT AGAIN".

Heather - posted on 03/19/2009

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Okay, I didn't get a chance to read all of this, because I truely could not stand it anymore. Girl,  you do NOT deserve ANY OF THIS. If your relationship and marriage has come to the point of bad mouthing in the family, him not supporting you, and MOSTLY him laying his hands on you.. then is it really worth it!? CHOKING YOU??? Do you want your daughter to see this? You both deserve more than this, and you shouldn't be treated like that. It is now a danger to your life.

[deleted account]

OMG girl! Get out of that house. You hear all the time of beaten women who stay because they love their husband can't live without them ETC. Just because you lose your job he now thinks it's ok to beat you??? I have never been in a situation where a man thought it was ok to put his hands on me in a violent way. I always have thought God help the man who tries! You are a woman and we are strong. You have a child! Your CHILD and YOURSELF are who is important here. Any man who would beat you, while your CHILD is watching nonetheless is a COWARD!!!!!!! I have never heard of a man who beats a woman that just one day stops. Unless he kills her that is and ends up in jail. You owe it to yourself and your child to get out now! Do it before the unthinkable happens!



I also wonder as Sarah did a couple posts up if you had friends before you married your husband. If so I agree that he is controlling if he no longer lets you communicate with them. Are you close to your family? Get help from someone please before it is too late and get out!

Shelly - posted on 03/19/2009

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To all of you women that give her kootos for trying to save her marriage I'm guessing that you have never been in this situation...NO RELATIONSHIP is worth getting the snot slapped out of you...RESPECT..plain and simple.  If he is hitting there is no respect in that.  Love and charish...HELLO were is it???  Staying is not the answer staying is the problem...I don't care who the abuser is man, woman, or child staying only gives that person permission to continue the behavior. 



 



 



Rebecca,



  I live in Idaho and if you need me to drive down there to pick you and your daughter up I will.  All you have to do is let me know, I will messenger you my phone # all you have to do is call. 

Sarah - posted on 03/19/2009

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Rebecca,



First, let me tell you that I am going to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Second, I want to ask you something. Did you have any friends before you married your husband? If so, why do you not keep in touch with them? Does he not allow you to have friends? See if you can get involved with a M.O.P.S (Mothers of Pre Schoolers) program in your area. They have weekly get togethers where you can meet other moms and your daughter would also make other little friends. This might give you a chance to find a fellow mom to talk to and possibly confide in. These groups also provide free babysitting so you can go to the grocery store and shop while your daughter plays and makes new friends. You really sound like you want to fix this situation as though it's your fault that your husband got angry and hit you. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. Domestic violence has increased by almost 50% over the last year. Many of these situations are the result of families in trouble because of layoffs and financial struggles. This is a sad state of affairs our country is in but that still doesn't give your husband the right to hit and abuse you. If your husband says he told his sister what he did then why are they not stepping up and telling him this is not right. Has any of his family mentioned this "confession" about what he did. If not then I wonder if he really did tell her anything. He may have said that he confided in her so you would think that if they don't mention it to you or ask if your ok then they condone what he did. This only adds to the isolation. Please get it out in the open. I understand you don't like your sister in law but ask her if he did tell her the "big secret". If she says yes then tell her that you are worried about your daughters safety. In many states, if your husband is abusing you and you continue to do nothing childrens services can and will interveen. You also need to document everything. Keep a journal of everything that he does. Not just the physical abuse but the emotional trauma as well. If he does hit you, get it documented. Take pictures of the bruises and cuts. Better yet go to the hospital. Then when you are ready to take action you have physical proof of what he has done. This will be helpful when it comes time for custody should you get strong enough to leave. Remeber this is not only about you but also your daughter. Would you stand by and let someone hit her? Just because he only hit you right now is no quarantee that he won't someday hit her. Please take care of yourself and your liitle angel. Please keep us up to date on how you are doing. We as Mothers do care about you and your daughter

Shelly - posted on 03/19/2009

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Quoting Rebecca:

yes what he said was true, he did hit me. He said he told her to make me look good to her, I dont give a crap what she thinks about me. Weve been under alot of stress because I lost my job and its been happening from time to time because hes afraid im going to leave him. its just all confusing Im not sure what I want to do. His sister has never liked me.


Rebecca,



  Ok from one battered woman to another and yes you need to grow some thick skin for this one...Get your ASS out of that house!!!  Get you and that baby packed up and get out.  DO NOT make excuses for his actions DO NOT stay there GET OUT NOW...If he decides to get help with his anger issues then you can try it again but DO NOT put your self or your child in that situation.  If you can't do it for your self then do it for your child.  I don't care how many times he says he sorry and tells you he will never do it again.  Until he gets help it will just keep getting easier for him to hit you again and he knows that your not going to do any thing.  You need to go to a womens shelter and not your familys place b/c he will look for you there.  You need to be away from him and out of communication with him for awhile so he knows that your not going to put up with this behavior.  I know it's hard but honey it will just keep getting worse b/c you are allowing it...Stop allowing this to go on.  I put up with it for way to long b/c I would tell my self "oh he didn't mean it and if I wouldn't of..." NO he did mean to do it and I don't care what the reason he has no right to even raise his hand to you much less hit you.  That is domestic violance..Do you want your child to grow up thinking this behavior is OK.   When he goes to work get your shit packed and get out....I will keep you in my prayers

Kate CP - posted on 03/19/2009

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Rebecca, please take me up on my offer if you need to talk. I will give you my email address and my phone number. All you have to do is ask, hon.

Willemien - posted on 03/19/2009

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You and your child is not safe if he is hitting and choking you. What if he goes too far one day and kills you?! Abusive men rarely stop their behaviour, usually it just escalates! And seeing her mother being abused is damaging your child. PLEASE leave him, love and marriage shouldn't be like this, you should be cherished and respected by your husband. Life's too short! Go and find your happiness.

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