How do you forgive your stepchild when you feel betrayed?

Jessica - posted on 12/11/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My husband has custody of his 4 children, I have a teenage girl, and things have been wonderful for the last 4 years. The biomom left for another man and a "better" life, and felt my husband would never find love or anyone since he had 4 kids, let alone someone that her kids LOVED!! We have been a great family, despite the ex feeding the kids guilt, anger, and lies. She refuses to acknowledge me or my daughter or calling us by name, and she lives in this fantasy cyber world where she tells anyone that wants to listen on FB how she loves her kids and they have the best relationship in the world...although she left them, and stayed away for over year and now claims her throne. I haven't allowed that to bother me, because I have a beautiful daughter, a great relationship with my husband and his wonderful children. My issue is his 16yr old recently asked my daughter to betray me by lying to me and disobeying our house rules, she has also been bullying her younger sister, is very self centered and selfish. She seems to be changing, and I can't help but think that it's because she's been exposed to her mom and maybe she's conflicted, influenced, or just torn...Idk. She didn't have a relationship with her mom for over 1 1/2yrs and they have since reconciled, but now she seems to want to seek her mom for comfort and now seems to be defending her moms irrational behavior. I feel disappointed in her, and I keep telling myself to forgive her, and I say I am, but when I'm around her, I want her away from me, and it's totally obvious I can't shake it. I need help pulling myself back together before I end up pushing so hard I cause more damage. I know what to say, I'm just not doing it. I'm stressed, seeking guidance because I feel betrayed. Why can't I shake this feeling of betrayal?

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Holly - posted on 12/11/2012

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well hun, regardless of her mom's past mistakes, if you help her reconcile with her mom you will find a better relationship with her perhaps... you can not make a child choose between you and their bioparent... and it isn't fair to try to make them... they will feel torn.

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Ashley - posted on 12/16/2012

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she is a teenager, and is going to break rules from time to time. your daughter will probably break some rules from time to time also. dont change how you feel about her because of this incident. dont let it ruin your relationship. i mean, what would you have done if it were your daughter that did this, and how would you feel then? im sure you would still be upset and feel betrayed, but you would also forgive her in the end. dont let it be any differantly than it would be with your own daughter. i understand being upset that she is making excuses for her mom and running to her when her mom left for so long, but she is still her mom and that will never change. she wants and needs her mom just as much as your daughter wants and needs you, no matter what horrible things her mom might have done or will ever do. my step daughter's mom left her home alone with her 5 year old brother when she was 2, dfs stepped in, and her mom was so strung out on meth that she stayed away and didnt even try to fight for her til almost a year later. now she has visits with her, and just started her overnights. i had no respect for the mother because she left her kids home alone, and then she didnt even fight for them because the drugs were more important, and i still find myself having trouble having any respect for her. but, everyone makes mistakes, and im not justifying there actions. but i look at it as, she is back in the picture now, she is clean, she got a job, she got an apartment, and she is trying her best to fix her relationship with her daughter, and to be a good mom again. nobody can ever replace a bio mom, no matter how hard someone might try. the best thing i have learned to do, is to just be there for my stepdaughter no matter what, and not come between her and her bio mom. maybe you should start by forgiving her mom, and then forgiving her. it seems like your more upset about the mom leaving and then coming back and still being able to have a good relationship with her daughter. also, maybe you should talk to your stepdaughter and explain how you feel, but that you want to forgive her, and be able to trust her again, and find out why she is really doing all of this. but dont talk bad about her mom in front of her or to her. she probly knows how you feel about her mom, and that might also be a reason she is acting out like this.

Jessica - posted on 12/14/2012

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Holly you are sooo right!!! :) I have always insisted she seek her mother, and I really truly feel that every child is better having both parents that love them! I would never want anyone to make my daughter feel she needs to choose. This issue is more of me not being able to forgive, and compounding the issue with her going to seek comfort so she can feel better about herself going to her mom makes her feel good because she knows she's betrayed my trust. I have to learn to forgive, trust again, and open my heart and move forward. I'm trying!! :)

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