how do you get over your husband cheating

Lauren - posted on 03/02/2015 ( 33 moms have responded )

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my husband was on chat rooms for long and then he was on the chatting sites. he then met this one person face to face and when I found out I was distraught, I believe they met but didn't sleep together. well that is what he told me. I phoned the person and said I am not giving up on my marriage. I was in a rage and cried for days I even got sick and then the excuse was, I don't give him enough attention, and I don't except his kids from the first marriage. then I apologised to his kids for being not a mom to them and he didn't even do the same to mine. we are normal now and I love him and we are working on things we better than before just that I still think and when I talk bout it its like im wrong and then he say he is sorri and wot more must he do.
how do I get over this.

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Victoria - posted on 03/06/2015

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My husband read this and said he's probably still cheating... That phone thing is what he says proves it. I say, you're not happy, leave him and stick to it for two weeks just act like you actually got divorced. Tell him you dont know if you want to be together with him anymore and that you want to take a break for two weeks but stay faithful to each other tell him you dont want to date other guys or anything, he should agree and then youll see how you actually feel, plus he might cheat on you then and you'll see if he was lying.

Jodi - posted on 03/02/2015

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It sounds like you are trying to blend a family, and that can be difficult. The failure rate of second marriages is quite high, and you add children into that mix, and it is even higher. Blending a family takes a LOT of work, and this can't be achieved when one person is checking out of the marriage regularly (i.e. your husband chatting and meeting women online).

YOU are NOT the reason he is "cheating" on you. He is blaming you, but he needs to learn to grow up and own his choices.

Can I suggest you two get some marriage counselling? You don't seem to have a handle on blending your family particularly well, and things appear to be dysfunctional. You are both going to have to put some work into this relationship if you want it to work, and counselling could help you both move forward.

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Raye - posted on 03/13/2015

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He's not going to get on his knees and cry or beg your forgiveness. If he's still trolling for other women on FB, then you know he hasn't changed. Your situation sucks, but I doubt it's going to get any better just because you wish it would get better.

Lauren - posted on 03/12/2015

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what happened really crushed me. the fact that he chatted and that the one person now really replied to meet with him. just the idea freaked me out cos they met. I just never ever thought he would go that far. now we made up and working on it. i try not to talk about it but its so hard. i still cry and t hat is what he cant talk. i feel to hurt him. i want him to go on his knees and cry his heart for doing what he did maybe i will be better. sometimes i cant stand to be in the same room with him cos im so scared of what i may say to spoil the good mood. we are like were before this mess started but i keep a lot back cos im thinking how he was with her what he thinks. Monday i found out he is on this facebook page where it says single girls. so my first question was what the hell are u doing there, after what happened. then the answer is he cant reply you cant do it on the page. but at the bottom is a comment block which whoever will respond.

why do you go there if you in the first place caused this crap in my life. when we just newly married i wanted to divorce him becos of chatting to now, cos i ran after him last year and tried to save what was left of us he throws it in my face then i throw i back at him.

to me he has this attitude now almost like if i wanted to sleep with her i could've but i was too scared. WHAT!! how the hell can you tell me this. he says this when we argue.

im not sure if i still love him, well not the way i thought

i am thinking of filing for divorce, playing normal now and then i wana file and want him to hurt so much that its over now.

he keep on saying that he do love me and he wana fix things. but how????

Trisha - posted on 03/06/2015

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A few months ago is not a long time ago! He may not want to talk about it because he feels guilty about it. My suggestion is definitely get counselling. It ends up being a place where you can talk about things that would normally make you uncomfortable.

I am lucky that my husband has never told me to stop being insecure, or jealous, or get upset at me for not trusting him. We have an open phone/email policy, and at any point if I get uncomfortable or suspicious I tell him and he immediately grabs his phone, and opens up all his email accounts and shows me who he has been talking to etc.

In the past, I have told him I am uncomfortable with him going out for lunch with a female employee. I talked myself down and out of the insecure wife mode, and told him it was okay, just to have him message me the next day and say he cancelled his lunch plans, because it made me uncomfortable.

He takes the blame for his actions. He would NEVER try to blame it on me. His main job right now is to make me feel 100% secure, and I can tell you it did NOT take only 3 months.

If your husband is blaming you for his cheating, then he will do it again. At that point he is not trying to correct himself.

I can understand him saying "our relationship hasn't been great lately, this is what happened and why it happened, and I want to make it better. What steps do we need to take?", but for him to blame it on you for your personality flaws...

I am not saying that it wasn't right for you to try to be a better partner, and change those things, but the blame still shouldn't be on you. HE took those steps. If he had problems with those things, then a real man would have suggested counselling, or left before he cheated on his wife.

Lauren - posted on 03/05/2015

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he was very different at that time, he thought he changed for the better cos he was not one to talk. and I sacrificed by chaning cos I know I am loud and say my say. and now that I am to wot he kinda want me to be he thinks his change is for the beter and I told him a lota times its not good then I must hear cos "you want it to be so"
that time he was cold towards me when enter the room he goes out and visa versa. I don't think I can go on like this I just cant!

Lauren - posted on 03/05/2015

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to be honest, I cant forget and its like im being forced to forget cos if I do talk about just to let it out, it is told why do I bring it up or bring up the past, well to me it happened a few months ago and in the same time I lost my cousin to death I was sick, all the crap happened at the same time. we lived passed each other we had financial problems and as I told him it gives him no right to cheat. and I have all emails showing in that time we met her how he loved me, I even said at the time, I think we must call it quits cos I knew something was wrong and yet he told me he loves and that he loves and there are no feelings. even though we are better than before its still at the back of my head that what he did and this woman's face and what if they were together now. I know its wrong. but I just can't believe that the man I loved with all my heart could do this to me I could not eaccept that, I want to meet her and I decided against it. her face is in my head. i

Patrice - posted on 03/05/2015

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You never get over it, you can forgive and move past it and vow to make things better, but you can never forget. next month will be 14 years since I went through that nightmare and I still grieve when I think about it and was actually diagnosed with PTSD over it. This year my husband and I will celebrate our 17 year anniversary together and I never regret taking him back. we have worked hard at our relationship and can honestly say he is my best friend. I still work through my issues stemming from that time in our lives... so getting over it...I don't think you do, but you can work at it to get better, good luck ((HUGS))

KeepingupwiththeRobles - posted on 03/05/2015

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You never get over someone cheating. Try therapy with your Husband but I personally would never be able to trust again, I would have to leave the Marriage permanently . Cheating is a vicious cycle. Best of luck to you on your healing journey.

Gail - posted on 03/04/2015

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You never get over it. The scars heal with time. Doesn't matter why how where. What matters is your heartache. People are inperfect. Forgive for your own sanity. If you are in love and want to make it work then file it away and get on with today and tomorrow. It will pop up but again work on putting it away like it's in the past. If you stay and your love making turns to heartache as it might do... Give yourself time. It's ok for awhile not to want intimacy. Start with fun dates again. Talk.. Really talk about the future and all you are going to day. Be interesting and interested... Start laughing again. Together.. Recall the juicy things you did when first in love... Work towards that again. Maybe you are older now. Maybe wiser. Heartache can make you wise. If you fell like you are clawing for attention or affection rethink why you are staying. In relationships what you want counts. This is not about the other woman. This is about you and the man you love. Forget her. She's nobody to you. Nobody. Don't compare. Don't beg. Don't quilt trip him... Take your responsibility if any in this whole thing then get on with your life. Be happy. Celebrate what you have and who you are. That's what counts.. You. Time is what heals... Quite your mind. Remember who you were who you are and who you want to be. Infidelity isn't easy to get thru. But you have to get thru it whether you stay or go.
Just make sure you still love him...

Lauren - posted on 03/04/2015

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I must say this Is such a helpful site. and at the end of the day its you as the person who needs to make that decision alone, and yes I feel that im back stepping, sometimes he say things that is not even true, like what he thinks I feel and want to say. I just let him talk finish and I say my say but very calmly
I used to cry a lot and my tears have dried up they don't want to see you cry.
I admit the one he actually met with I saw her face on fb and its in my mind. well, im taking it a step at a time. I sometimes have butterflies in my tummy cos I don't know how to be around him sometimes, we have our chats, and laughters and its going good, but just that at the back of my mind

Trish - posted on 03/04/2015

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Having just separated from a cheating husband I believe they don't change. I put up with a lot before we called it quits and I was never able to love him as I should when I discovered he was unfaithful.
My ex still blames me for his cheating and that is crap. It was his doing! He was right about one thing, I put up walls after that and that was the beginning of the end. Trust is huge and for me I couldn't trust him again.

Sasha - posted on 03/04/2015

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To be honest move on. He has. Dont let him or any other man make you feel like your not someone. Because you are! No matter what age. Its not a excusses its him self giving himself premission to countiue to do this to you. Hes basically saying wel l im going to do this and oh its your fault! There is no getting better only moving on. Youll always remeber. And he will always try to tell you your not good enough well you are! Treat your self like the queen you are lift up that dress and walk on by him show him you dont need him most inportant show yourself you dont need him build on your confidance your heart your soul. And hes trowing the kids at you because he got cought. Bottem line they are his kids who have a mother. Id take my chances else where. Best of wishes tho

Fawn - posted on 03/04/2015

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I'm sorry you had to go thru that! Imo, you may never get over it 100%. You can forgive, but as far as forgetting, Idk if I could. If its going to be one of those things, where in the future, it will be brought up, along with all the negative effects, maybe it would be best to let the relationship go. I had an ex cheat, and I thought I could get over and forgive him, but I found myself not being able to, and putting myself, and him, thru hell. But, my bff had ur husband cheat, and she says it made them stronger. It made her realize how she truly felt, and she started changing herself BC she seen the possibility of losing him. To each their own. Praying for you and ur family!

Christine - posted on 03/04/2015

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Well her question is "how do I get over it," so my repose began with "if you're willing to forgive, then."....if she can't forgive, maybe she should move on. I believe that if you decide to forgive, then you have to do exactly that. Who knows why anyone cheats? It's really a guessing game on anyone's part but the actual cheater....he probably has his own issues, but if she's willing to forgive, then she needs to forgive....and that's that. It doesn't help to try and guess why.....I still believe that men are simple creatures and crave certain things....this is not to say that she is a bad wife, just that in my opinion men aren't that hard to "get." I also believe "you get what you give"...if you give love and affection they will also give it.....these are only MY opinions....that's all.....you can disagree.....😳

Trisha - posted on 03/04/2015

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Christine, In order for her to forgive him, she has to truly believe that he feels he was wrong, and won't do it again. Forgiving your husband without him actually deserving it is just showing that you will tolerate that type of behavior.
Any mistreatment that you forgive a person, you encourage. Unless they TRULY put effort into fixing their mistakes. HE should be putting in the effort to fix this relationship and make her happy, not her putting on a happy face.
I don't believe that men cheat because their wives aren't good enough. I believe that men cheat because they are unhappy with themselves, and in order to make them feel better about themselves they need to get that attention from multiple locations to boost their ego. She could be the #1 wife, and still be cheated on, because he is not happy with who HE is. Not his relationship.

Christine - posted on 03/04/2015

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You have to make a conscious decision to forgive him, if that's what you want? Once you decide this, you shouldn't bring it up anymore....and do the things he said he felt were missing from the marriage. Let me tell you, men are simple creatures! They want 3 things....sex, food and appreciation...that's it! If you give him all of those things, and he's still unhappy, then you should move on. Otherwise, give it another shot....try and forget the infidelity, and when he gets home from work and you see each other, tell him you love him and give him some affection. Be kind to one another's children.....if this is an issue, you do need to move on because the kids have to come first.....the kids will also learn about how relationships work through you and your husbands interactions. So try and be loving and kind to one another and I wish you the best!!!!

Trisha - posted on 03/04/2015

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I have no idea what counselling is available in your city. Look it up on google. That is how I found our counselor.
You may also never get over this. At least you will feel like you tried though. And honestly, it is going to take a LOT of effort on his part, so if he doesn't seem committed to working hard to keep your relationship together, it might just be time to call it quits.

Lauren - posted on 03/03/2015

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I feel that when do sit and talk he talk more
like I don't like the idea of him having two phones. his one phone is faulty and he got a new phone from his mom. I called on the new one yesterday just making conversation spicing it up a bit he got so mad saying what am I trying to do why do I phone on that phone
the more I explain to him I was only making conversation afterwards he apologise
and then we spoke last night he telling me "why must I get rid of the one phone, just because you want me to, and that why don't I trust him cos if I go on like this, its almost like he is saying im gna drive him to it
l waited till he spoke finished then I said I had no intentions, and think for yourself my number shows and my name so how can I have tried something
its like he wana wear the pants in it I told him sacrifices come from both side and I feel Imdoing it more

I just don't get it. he cheated and now I must hear I ran after him and I told him next time you'll do the running, I was the one yes to run and said im not giving it up

but what happened hurt me a lot it crushed my heart into small iittle pieces

at time I wana divorce and just end it

Trisha - posted on 03/03/2015

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Get some couples counselling. I have felt betrayed before. I am currently happy in my relationship and trust my husband again.

Tara - posted on 03/03/2015

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No one knows the answer to this but you. Some people cannot get over the hurt and betrayal. Some people can forgive but their partners were never sincere in asking for it. Personally, while couple's counseling is definitely recommended, I think you should remove yourself from the situation for awhile. Whether that be a day or a week or whatever, you will know when it is time. Don't contact him during this time other than as needed for the kids' sake. Talk to a counselor by your self if need be. It is too soon to be making decisions as to whether to stay or leave. You are too emotionally involved right now. Take some time to reflect.

Raye - posted on 03/03/2015

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Don't fool yourself. He isn't in the marriage to please you. He's in it for himself, that he has security while he goes and does whatever he wants to do. That security is threatened for the moment, because he got caught, and that's why the sex is better between you right now. He's trying to con you into feeling secure again and not willing to leave, once he does that he can begin stepping out again. Don't fall for it. Don't let him manipulate you.

Lauren - posted on 03/02/2015

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I sed the same thing. and I know its was not a once off meeting, cos he even called her baby and she said she misses him soooo much. I saw the emails
he even stood me off and said y do I contact her.
dats how I felt.
I look at him sometimes and think he is in this marriage just to please me
our sex live is now even better than before we go on little dates and we have lotsa time for each other. last night I told him I will never forget then he said bby that happened an dim sorry. I guess he sorry I want is for him to really cry out of his heart to say to me that he really stuffed up
I was crying for days and weeks for what he did. I cant go on, I want to but I cant

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/02/2015

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The other ladies pretty much covered it all. But I will say that I would not be able to get over it. I would have to leave. I would not be able to believe that my husband only met up with this person without physical contact. He would have already been lying, so why would I believe that?

I am sure you love him, but love yourself and your children more. If you both feel that you want this to work, and are committed to that, then go for it and forgive him. True forgiveness. If you are more in this marriage for convenience, or you are not sure that you will ever forgive or trust him, maybe even have a trial separation to see.

I am sorry you are in this mess, but his stepping out is NOT your fault. He made that decision on his own. He should be man enough to admit that.

Raye - posted on 03/02/2015

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If neither of you are happy in the marriage, maybe you should get a divorce. If you love him and want to work it out, then you should both go to counseling. You both do need to accept and try to love the children, even if they are from previous relationships. The kids didn't ask to be put in that situation and they deserve to be cared for. If neither of you can do that, then you're probably not in the right relationship.

Jodi - posted on 03/02/2015

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If he won't cooperate and go to counselling with you, book in and go yourself. if nothing else, it will help you work towards an answer.

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