how do you handle being the non custodial?

Tonja - posted on 10/18/2015 ( 7 moms have responded )

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never married, lost custody to an abuser (emotional type) and he is friends with the judge, i never had a chance. Ive been dealing with this for over 13 yrs and the latest thing is they removed my parenting time first they removed my drivers license from mn then they set a new order stating that I must drive to see her and only i can drive to pick her up. plus they limited my time going from every wed for 4 hrs, having every other weekend rotating holidays, three weeks vacation in summer TO: 2 hours on wed, ho holidays, no full weekends only 6- 8 hrs on sat or sun NO overnights, , and no vacation times, plus the order states that I must arrive alone and must be driving, I have not seen or spoken to my daughter in 6 months, and the last time i did, she wanted nothing to do with me telling me that she had to learn to deal with not having a mom. I am not rich, and between him and judge i have been abused, lied about. lied to, and been punished financially punished ( i pay his attorney every time he drags me into court) i lose, my witnesses are sent home and the judge tells me i do not have a right to speak to him so all my responses and proof are completely ignored. The worst is i lost her and it hurts. I apologize for the mis spelling but as i am writing this i am fighting the tears. I have never been allowed to call her or talk to her and the only time i was allowed to talk to her is only when i had parenting time, so now I dont get to speak to her at all..

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Tonja - posted on 10/21/2015

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well just so you know, i did educate myself on the law as much as i could, i spent yrs fighting, But you can not fight a judge, and it takes money to get a transcript mine run just about 100 + each. and when you request a transcript free for lack of financials it must go to the judge, the same judge that controls my case and he denies that request every single time for every single 15 hearings.. (you see the x would drag me back into court every yr for 14 yrs then the last new order didnt go thu a hearing they just did it,

I tried to go to the appellate court this is money i do not have, or the correct education to write up an appeal, and they made sure that my child support was almost always half of my income if not more, then the rest i had to use on living. You can not fight a judge when the judge is in total control, and when i tried to get the judicial review to look into it, i was told that they have no control over decisions and the law, even if the judge is biased, i couldn't afford the transcripts to prove what he was and is doing to me in court.
Its much easier for you to sit there and tell me all i could do or shouldve done, but you have no idea what i have tried to do, and yes i did tell the judge his own laws he used and he went against But when you have a judge that flat out tells you he will not hear or listen to anything you say because i am not an attorney then what in the world can i do. family law attorneys start at 5000, just as a retainer and then this attorney must fight the judge himself, and when the realize they what i told them is true they bail.. and I have no means to buy afford another.

as for not getting those copies in the first hearingl You tell me, because what i figured out is they used that in order to say i ignored court orders, of which I did not because i had just received them, and when i did call family services outside of that county because i knew the county would do NOTHING because thats what they did to me in the past they would call up the custodial parent he would say i am lying and that was that, they did not check it out. and the outside county would kick it back to the county so there was only me and my family and friends and the Judge would NOT allow them to testify in court so that it would be on record... the only thing on record would be all the motions and responses but since they could not testify what am i suppose to do make them stand up against the judge and yell out their testimony? get real it doesnt happen.I cant speak for why nobody would do anything, i dont know, its a small town and money talks and if you are poor you get nowhere and that is me, my name is not associated with money or powerful friends.

the law states in this state that the judge must recuse himself and when i requested this i was denied and pissed the judge off so that the next time i was in court he made sure i paid for it, financially too.

i hope I answered all your points, because let me tell you I fought and fought and fought and all i accomplished was hitting my head against the wall, every law i had to help was ignored by the judge, every fact i had to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that they lied and had many times denied parenting time and did not follow the Courts orders, the judge refused to acknowledge, when i tried to speak in court i was browbeaten down and not allowed to object and the opposing attorney was allowed to always speak over me, so when you are verbally attacked in court by the judge put down and made to feel less then human, when the judge makes you fell like you've been violated and less then, it is hard to speak up especially when you know the judge will punish you for speaking up, I was damed before i even entered the court room i had already lost.. in fact i was accused of interfering in his wedding, of which i did not at all, didnt even know he was getting married till i got orders i was to sign so my daughter could fly to hawaii, ( i thought they were married) i stay out of this town unless i pick her up) so the judge yelled at me for what felt like 15 minutes, and when i simply asked what it is i am being accused of , what is it i am supposedly doing, can you give me an example the judge stood up and said "you know what you are doing and if you dont quit i will throw you in jail" As I did nothing, ever i still to this day dont know how i could've possibly interfered, so you see all i have to do is breathe and show up for visitation according to the orders and i am wrong. and there was no proof i did,
IN Fact they never had to bring evidence or proof of anything they accuse me of, (because there is nothing and never was) and i always bring proof that they are lying, evidence straight from the courts own records and from the attorneys own office, and i lose, and end up having more attorney fees added on to my bill already.

so now do you understand its not as easy as you response makes it seem like it all my fault and you sound just like them "if only you would do such and such" you see it doesnt matter to these ppl what is the law, whats right or wrong, it has only ever mattered that he gets what he wants (even to the detriment of our daughter) and that the judge protects his own ass from whatever it is he did that they know about.

Raye - posted on 10/20/2015

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I'm not going to deny that you got a bad deal with your ex and the judge and lawyers that didn't seem to help. But it seems there was so much more you could have done over the last 13-14 years. You could have educated yourself about the laws and fought harder and smarter for your child.

Why did you not have copies of the court orders for custody until a later hearing? If you were not following the orders, then they have reason to deny you. Why did you not file an appeal where you could prove that the judge's decision to dismiss evidence was an error? If the judge was making rulings against the law, did you bring up those laws in court to get them part of the transcript? Then request a review of the transcript in your appeal or request for a new judge? If you had reason for concern about them drugging your child, why did you not call CPS on them? Why would the hospital "not do anything"? Why didn't you hire your own psychologist to talk to your daughter about the beatings they accused you of, and offer their testimony to the court?

Your attorneys should have advised you better and helped you present the facts. But you also could have made more of a difference yourself. It's been so long now, and your daughter is of an age where they will consider her wishes in court (brainwashed or not). So if she says she doesn't want to see you, then you're pretty much screwed. It sucks, to say the least. A child should have the opportunity to form relationships with both parents. But it may be too late now to do anything about it in court. Just try to let her know you love her and you would have been there for her if you had been allowed to be.

Tonja - posted on 10/19/2015

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he changed the visitation around because that is what x wanted, from day one he has wanted me out of her life completely to have total control, in fact they all told me that I no longer had a daughter and to go away, then i was told if i paid money i could see her, then i was told that my daughter was his and his mother and i had nothing to do with it (her).. He has done everything to remove me from her life, mostly i was able to afford an attorney during those few times when he would put it in a motion and we would go to court so i had an attorney present, then the judge wrote up that there was no evidence provided that i am harmful to her, but this last time there was no hearing according to the copy of the paper i received from his attorney the judge called them up and aksed what he wanted becuase they wanted to go for mediation and i requested time to save for it it costs 250/hr, i sent in letters to the judge requesting every month time to save (and the judge as well as the other side as access to my finances as i am court ordered to report it every 90 days, they know i live on my disability and what my expenses are so i needed several months to save as i only could save 25 a month thru the winter, well the judge ignored my requests as he said he would the last time we were in court he stated that i was not allowed to contact him outside of the court room so any papers or motions i send in wold be ignored. i even copied the law he wrote about removing parenting time, in his own words and the law he used and he still ignored it and gave them what they wanted.
the following is just some of things i have gone thru and so has my daughter, now that she is 14 she doesnt remember alot of it (thankfully, as she is still under his control, but one day she will remember the abuse all of it)
the x has wanted me out of her life and he was finally able to do it and they used the fact i couldnt afford the child support to remove parenting time and that is against the law too but they did it anyways , it is so bad that yrs ago he told my daughter horrible things while growing up and for the most part she didnt believe it (he told her once that i beat her so bad she almost died) i asked her if she felt afraid of me ( she was 3-4 at the time) she said no mommy i am free when i am with you, i feel loved) she was never afraid of me and always wanted to stay with me, in fact she would hold on so tight to me when i had to return her he would rip her from my arms and they would drug her with sleeping medicine, she would hide under the bed or couches when it was time to go back, she hated them, even had had plans to kill him one time, bit i talked her out of it, she wanted me to do it, but i didnt either They would dose her with sleeping medicine, in her juice so she would sleep her life away, there were times that i would pick her up that she was so drugged out it made me sick i took her to the hosp but they wouldnt do anything...we would take her home bathe her and get her to wake up an dplay and it was a long time before she laughed, in fact she heard lafter on a song i bought and she loved that song because she could laff, she was not allowed to laff or want me or even talk about me ever even to this day she cant speak about me, as she got older he took her to a psychologist and told her to tell him i was abusive and she no longer wanted to see me, she said they told the guy that but she wouldnt because it was and is a lie, you could see by her actions that she was being abused from him and his parents, but no one would look into for me, i tried i even took her out of county but they sent it right back into that same county so nothing was done then they tried to say i was abusing her, but i hadnt even seen her during said time and i had to have supervisors with me, they claimed that mommy was doing it except i wasnt allowed to be called mommy she had to call his mother mommy and so his mother was doing the abusing and they left her there, my supervisors were witnesses and ready to testify but the judge sent them home and wouldnot accept there statements

Tonja - posted on 10/19/2015

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in the evidentairy hearing they asked me two questions did i know family law? answer: no and why did i not follow the court orders (that were just handed to me in the actual hearing) and i said because she just gave them to me.
I also did not have an attorney so the judge (same judge) ignored me and simply told me to hand over my baby.. that was it, there was no evidence to prove i was unfit, human services ,child protection services were not involved, there is and was no police reports or actions against me, i have no record of any kind.. he on the other hand has quite the record and admitted to being and living in an abusive environment but because his mommy said he was all better now and hadnt hit anyone in quite some time, that was all ok with them. and the guardian ad litum that was assigned to the case later admitted to being a friend of his families,... i was screwed from the get go, he used to brag his daddy had something on the judge and up until he took my daughter i didnt believe it, now i do becuase the stuff he gets by with is simple unbelievable and most against the law, but the judge protects him and i pay his attorney fees.

Tonja - posted on 10/19/2015

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i requested a new judge, the law is the judge has to recuse himself and he wont. I have spoken to several lawyers, in fact hired one he was great up until the actual hearing then he told me the judge threatened to take away all custody if i pursued the fight for custody i said he just threatened me cant we do something about that and he attorney said no and after that he took my money and never helped again. as in every month prior to the court date he gave me an itemized expense account the month prior i had 3000+ in my account we were in court for 15 mins top and the next month i received a bill stating all my money was gone, and not once would he respond to my letters and my requests asking where the money went or why i was receiving a bill, i never heard from him again. and could nothing about it. No lawyer will get involved without money and since its family law they want + 5000 up front, i dont have it and no credit for a loan.

Ev - posted on 10/19/2015

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You did not say why the judge took custody from you and then later changed the visitation around later. I know how hard it is to not have custody of the children, I have been there but it was a choice I made. So, what did they say you had done to loose custody.

Raye - posted on 10/19/2015

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Why have you not requested a new judge?
You say he has a lawyer, but have you spoken to a lawyer?

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