How do you handle it if your child is invited to a birthday party, but ex receives the invitation?

Mindy - posted on 11/28/2010 ( 26 moms have responded )

15

19

0

Parents are supposedly mutual friends, but ex told them that was a weekend that I have our son, and they just asked him to try to get our son for that night.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Elizabeth - posted on 11/29/2010

165

23

8

Tracey,
its not a matter of telling mom/dad what to do, but rather suggesting it. i really don't see the big deal switching weekends. Its extra time the child has something to do thats fun and it just happens to be with dad, i don't see the harm in that. divorced parents need to learn to be flexible with visitation, its a lot better for the child.

Isobel - posted on 11/29/2010

9,849

0

286

I'd send him with my ex...I know it seems hard, but there will be sooooooo many times that he misses out on visitation because of activities and birthday parties that are on his time...I'd just let it slide...it's another 15 years, one day isn't going to make a big difference. Go get your hair done :)

Sneaky - posted on 11/28/2010

1,170

33

131

WOW! Hugely inappropriate!!!!! Them not you!

My best friend has custody of her step daughter one weekend a fortnight, so if we are arranging a play date for the kids then we do it on the weekends that she has custody! If we have an event on (birthday, christening, whatever) and she does not have custody that weekend then we are sad, but the step daughter does not attend and we don't ask anyone to change their custody arrangements for heaven's sake!!!! My question is - why is such a big deal for your son to attend? LOL, maybe I should re-phrase - why is it such a big deal that they want your ex to attend (since I assume your ex will not go without your son)? That is just strange . . .

Anyway, my first point: they are obviously NOT mutual friends - they are his. You can be hurt, sad and/or pissed off that they are no longer your friends, but I would recommend that you try to be happy that you do not have such a selfish, inconsiderate couple in your life anymore.

Secondly - it is NOT selfish to want to spend time with your son!!!!! Every day he is getting bigger and you have to enjoy every moment that you have with him at this age!

My recommendations? Be nice to your ex, thank him for letting you know about the invitation but since you were not invited you will not be going to the party and since you just gave up Thanksgiving holiday with your son that you are not inclined to miss another weekend with him at this stage. If you ex pushes it, ask him which night he is going to give up with your son to make up for this one, but truthfully tell him that you really do not think it is healthy for your son to be around people that do not like his mother and may make inappropriate comments around your son to that effect.

I hope this helps, and I am sorry that a stupid, self serving couple of wankers (sorry, my Aussie is showing through) have put you in this position :o(

Mindy - posted on 11/28/2010

15

19

0

My son's not even three yet, so no, we can't just drop him off. I did send the other couple a text, to which they haven't responded. I don't know, is it really that selfish of me to want to have my son on the days I'm scheduled to?

Tracy - posted on 11/29/2010

737

13

78

Once a couple splits there's no such thing as "mutual friends" anymore. They picked a side, so be it. Yeah, it stings since you thought they were your friends, but think of it more as now you know their true feelings and you can move forward.

As for swapping with dad, why not? I've done that plenty with my ex. I let him have the kids Thanksgiving, even though it was "my" time. I knew he'd be alone and the only way his brother would let him come over there was if he had the kids. We weren't doing much, so no harm. We'd had our big family dinner last Sunday anyway. So swap a day with him and let them go have some fun.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

26 Comments

View replies by

Christina - posted on 10/27/2011

31

0

2

Im dealing with a simular situation with my ex. He seems to ALWAYS plan things when he knows he will not have our daughter. And I understant that it is not the childs fault, and should not be held against them.....BUT I am sick and tired of ALWAYS having to rearrange my life for the things going on in his. HELLO, this is why we got divorced, because we didnt want to be a part of each others life right? We do have a child, so yes we will always be in each others life to a certain extent....but I seriously thought that these things are why we go to court and have visitation wrote on paper so that everyone knows when and where the child will be. I completely understand your flustrations. I wish there were some way to solve these problems such as this, but I guess our "exs" werent what we wanted then, so we cant expect them to be what we want now either, right? Lol. Try not to let your child miss out just because people dont respect that you have your visitations time for a reason ( to spend that time with your child, not have them where ever else). It sucks, and it always will as long as you have to deal with an ex. Sorry, hope things get better for you.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/29/2010

165

23

8

It is easy to switch weekends. But if the OP or you don't want to than say so but don't use the excuse that its hard to do.

Ashley - posted on 11/29/2010

863

2

161

First of i applode u trying to get a hold of the couple personly i probably would of just said no and took my kid some were fun for the weekend any way since they have not called you back i definitely wouldent let him go. The right response of the couple would of been ok not your weekend could u tell Mindy or called you. I just think its a slam and for thoughs of you who think its so easy to just switch weekends and that its no big deal and you have to get over it Good for you but its not the reality for most people.

Sneaky - posted on 11/29/2010

1,170

33

131

Elizabeth it sounds sweet and innocent when you put it like that - right to you get to the part where they ask 'hey, can't you ask your ex to switch weekends?'. I simply do not think that they have any right to ask a question like that. If it was the dad who asked to switch weekends I have no problem with it, but it is not. It is not even the ex's family (e.g. mum or brother or grandma) that is having a party and wants the OP's son to attend - I wouldn't have a problem with any of them requesting a weekend swap either - why? Because they have the RIGHT. Friends of my ex do not have the right to ask me to rearrange my weekend plans so that they can see MY child when THEY feel like it. That is an inconvenience.

I did not mean to imply that the mum should make things difficult for the dad, in fact I remember recommending that she should be honest with her ex about why she did not want to swap (if she has not already changed her mind). I don't think anyone needs to be 'punished' in this situation, especially the mother for being expected to give up yet another 'event' with her son. There will be a hundred more birthday parties after all!

Elizabeth - posted on 11/29/2010

165

23

8

Tracey,
I don't see how anyone is being inconvienced. Friends of the dad probably said hey can your son come to the party? dad says well its really not my weekend. friend says well could you ask your ex to switch weekends? Where exactly is the harm?
mom can make things difficult, but one day she might want to have their son for something special when dad has the kid.

Isobel - posted on 11/29/2010

9,849

0

286

Amy DePietro if I could mark that helpful a thousand times, I would.

Sneaky - posted on 11/29/2010

1,170

33

131

If it was 'just' a birthday invitation I would agree with what Elizabeth said, but the situation just screams WRONG to me - they are suppose to be mutual friends but want the father not the mother there? They have requested that the parents change their custody for the weekend and they are not returning mum's messages????? No way would I let my almost three year old 'decide' to go to a birthday party there!!!!

If it was' just' a birthday invitation from one of the parents at school it wouldn't matter which parent took him right? So no problem. If it was 'just' a birthday party invitation from one of the father's work mates (or friends) and the father wanted to take the son then I would say - hey, just swap weekends, no biggie. But it is not 'just' a birthday party invitation. This couple are making a personal request for their own pleasure and inconveniencing everyone involved - my question, again, is WHY? If the motives are not clear then I say avoid the hassle and the stress. Life is too short.

Meilan - posted on 11/29/2010

100

31

4

The essence op this problem is the birthday party. Does your son want to go or not. If he wants to go, you and his dad will have to work something out so your son can attend. That's it!

Lisa - posted on 11/29/2010

708

9

100

It sounds like you are hurt because you were not invited. However, your son and your ex were invited to the party and it happens to be on one of your weekends. You can't not let your son go to parties, events, etc., because they don't fall on his dad's weekend. You and your ex need to compromise and come up with a solution. Ask him if he wants to switch weekends or if he wants to pick him up and bring him home after the party and in turn, at the end of the weekend, he brings him home earlier than usual to make up for the time you lost.

You can't be upset with your ex because you gave up your holiday, that was your choice. There will be many things over the years that will fall on each others weekends. Make life easier for your son by you and your ex learning how to handle them now while he's still too young to know it's ever been an issue.

[deleted account]

I think that if your son wants to go, you and his father should come up with a way to have him there. If dad takes him then you get him another night so you all get time together and your son doesn't miss out. My parents were spilt, up and if there was something going on with one that I wanted to do, they simply switched weekends. I loved it because I never felt like I was in the middle of a tug of war. I hope everything works out for you guys!

Elizabeth - posted on 11/29/2010

165

23

8

I don't know if selfish is the word, but sometimes you have to allow wiggle room for the child and the other parent. i would said it would be unfair if the child couldn't go, all because its your night. JMO

Amy - posted on 11/29/2010

6,467

33

2386

It's not selfish of you to want to see/have your child when your scheduled to but it's not fair for your son not to be able to go to a party because his parents couldn't work out an arrangement that satisfies everyone!

Stifler's - posted on 11/28/2010

15,141

154

604

Are you serious? Maybe they tossed a coin on who to invite and aren't really as evil as all that and actually made an honest mistake about which weekend or invited your son anyway even though they knew in case he wanted to come or whatever.

Stifler's - posted on 11/28/2010

15,141

154

604

I would let the son go to the party with his dad and have fun at home sans kids! It's a win win really.

Amanda - posted on 11/28/2010

387

29

52

Did they ask because they think you won't let him attend and the father will??? If it was sent to him and you have him I would discuss between the two of you whether it is ok for your child to attend. Once the decision has been reached and child can/can't come. Is your child old enough that this is a drop-off party? If it is then it shouldn't matter whom has the weekend. If not, you'll have to decide how "mutual" the friendship is if this particular couple is playing favorites, and how important it is to you. They may make nice acquaintences and just be left at that. It shounds like your ex was trying to do the right thing and you may have to just respectfully address the issue with the other couple in question.

Michelle - posted on 11/28/2010

2,191

23

1087

unfortunately mutual friends don't stay mutual when couples split up then end up either friends with one or the other.... the only thing you should look at here is your son is it his friend then if so I would let him go to the party.

Mindy - posted on 11/28/2010

15

19

0

I suppose most of my issue with it is a) I just gave him one of my holidays (my family didn't have anything planned for Thanksgiving, his did); b) they're supposed to be mutual friends, and he, supposedly, told them that I have our son that weekend, but they didn't ask me to take him

Brittany - posted on 11/28/2010

16

0

2

Cant you switch one of your nights for that one so that ex can take him?

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms