how do you handle it when your babies dad leaves you?

Michelle - posted on 03/31/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )

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ive been with him for 3 years and when we found out we where pregnant he wanted this baby so badly. when she was born we where having some money issues so i moved back into my dads and he moved in with some friends down the street. hes been coming to see us and get us as much as he can atleast a few times a week but all of a sudden he broke up with me and i dont know what to do. he loves his little girl but because he doesn't want to see me he wont come to get her and i dont know what i did to deserve this heartache. none of my friends really know what im going through so i dont have many people to talk to about this. they just keep saying to get over him but its not that easy when a kids involved. can anyone help ?

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Brittanie - posted on 07/28/2012

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I have a similar situation going on with me right now. I have a daughter already, and her father is supportive even though we aren't together, and i just found out that my boyfriend and i are having a baby, and he doesn't think i should keep it because he doesn't know how he feels about me...which was news to me. That i felt a stronger connection that he did, and he takes till now to tell me that? He's a childish boy and i don't think he'll ever find true happiness if he thinks the first few "puppy love" months of being together is supposed to be like that all the time. True love comes from a deeper place than just attraction. People from the outside will just look at this as "trashy" or something if i have two children by two different fathers, but I've had so much trouble with my cycle and getting pregnant, that this to me is almost a miricle child, just like my first. I was told I could never get pregnant due to my irregular periods, but i can't get rid of this baby just because he doesn't want to man up and try to make things work. I guess this is the first time i've said anything about it since it happened, so sorry for my rant. But if you need to talk, just message me, i'm probably in the same boat. :)

-Brittanie

Christina - posted on 03/31/2010

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Omg Michelle, it feels like i have just read my own life to myself, i am going through the exact same thing at the moment!! My pregnancy wasnt planned, we started out as a bit of fun (even though i loved him from the beginning) and while i was pregnant he wanted little to do with me and was just fighting for the rights to our child, it was the worst experience of my life the once she was born i started my life with my daughter and he became more and more interested and we started to date the i decided it was time to move in on my own and he help me, he was there alot of the time and i started to feel like i was getting the family i wanted (even though while pregnant i had become used to the idea i was going to do it alone) i was so happy. Granted we argued from time to time but we always got over it... up until about 2 weeks ago when he annonced he didnt want to be with me anymore, he moved all his stuff out of mine and left, vowing that he still wanted to be a part of our daughters life. I spent the first week trying to get him to change his mind.. to think about things and telling him how we could make it work and how i didnt want to lose him... even after a full week to himself he still told me that too much haad gone on and that he didnt love me anymore... absolutely gutted!!
I am heartbroken and i'm finding it really hard to come to terms with the fact that he didnt even give us a chance for the sake of our family, me a chance to make things right or a chance to tell him how i felt. As it stands we have come to arrangements that he will pick our Daughter up one night a week and bring her back the next day.. even the thought of that is killing me.
I dont think i have mentioned that we work ib the same office, so are forced to see each other everyday but after the weekend spent crying at him and trying to understand we came to work this week and i decided i had to take the higher ground and get on as normal... Its absolutely killing me, everytime i see him im dying a little inside and i dont know what to do!! I really feel your pain and if you ever want a chat please dont hesitate to contact me even if its just to tell me how much you hate him/love him... trust me i understand.... Im sorry you having to feel the same way i feel right now because i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy.

ps. my friends are the same they just say move on but none of them have children and its definitely not as easy to move on when you have a child with them, if anything you are hanging on to the family like more than the relationship.

Jessica - posted on 03/31/2010

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I can say I went through that as well with my first 2 children and their biological. Unfortunately you can't make anyone stay.If he does want to see your daughter than you two have to compromise, for the sake of your child. But with that said you don't have to have a man in your life to be a great mom and raise your child.The best way for you to overcome this is by letting it out. talking with others and yes moving on. It is easier said than done trust me I know from experience.What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. If you ever would just like to chat please let me know. I don't mind talking and letting you let some steam off or just to talk to another parent...

Jessica

Gwen - posted on 03/31/2010

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Find a counselor. My ex-husband left a month before my daughter was born. I found a wonderful counselor who I worked with for 18 months. It was the best money I ever spent. I also found a huge amount of support through my church. Know that you didn't do anything to "deserve" this heartache. Take one day at a time and focus on the greatest blessing in your life-that beautiful little girl.



Unfortunately, pursuing him or trying to force the relationship (with his daughter) will never work. He has to want it for himself.



If you haven't already, you should contact your local child support office immediately. He may not be there physically, but he sure as heck should be there financially.

Nanette - posted on 03/31/2010

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I was in a situation some what similar. I was dating the father of my daughter. I ended up pregnant. He asked me to marry him. Then a week later he said that he couldn't do it and that he didn't believe that the baby was his. I lost my job the week before and was devistated. I moved back home with my mother in a different town and tried for five months to get back together. During my pregnancy I moved in with a friend that helped me with the pregnancy, since I was a high risk pregnancy. I invited the father to come to the ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby. My mother said I was being stupid for inviting him. But I wanted him to be a part of her life. He had never had any children of his own, and this was going to be his only child. I invited him to be there when she was born. During the last trimester of my pregnancy I fell in love with the person I was living with and we became an item. When my daughter was born her father told me that he wanted to be put on her birth certificate and wanted to sign the paternity papers. I told him that I would have a paternity test done to make him happy. He said that he didn't want to do that. He wanted to claim her without having the test done. We signed the papers. He also said that he wanted to be a family and for us to get married and be together for the sake of our daughter. I told him that it was too late. I told him how much that he had hurt me and that it took me along time to get over him. When the state came after him for child support, he claimed that she wasn't his and that he wanted to do a paternity test to prove that he was the father. I was pissed. He told me that the only reason he wanted to do the test was to find out if she really was his. He said that it didn't matter if she was his paternally, but he needed to find out. He thought that I had turned him over to the state to get child support, but come to find out, if you get help from the state, you have to file for child support. When my daughter was first born he saw her once a month for two months. After he was served papers from the state he didn't see her until after the test results came in. That was three months. I told him that if he didn't do his part of being a parent and and being a part of her life, that I wanted him to go away and leave me alone. I told him that I will not have him come and go from her live as he chose. I will not put my daughter through that kind of heartache. We still talk and he has been seeing her once a week. Things have been good, but he doesn't seem to want to move on with his life and find anybody else to spend his time with. I believe that he still wants to get back together. I just got married a few months ago and am very happy. My husband has been there for me through thick and thin and thinks of my daughter as his own. I just wish my daughters father would move on with his live and find a partner to be with. I have told him that there will never be an "us". However, I think that he is still hopeful. On a good note, he will be taking his daughter for the first over night this weekend and is really looking forward to it. And I am thankful that he is a part of her life and that we are able to talk even after all that he put me through. I found that I needed to look past was he put me through and get along with him for the sake of our daughter.



I wish you great luck for the future. Things will get better even if you don't think so now. If you ever need to talk, send me a line. Have a wonderful day :)

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Kaitlin - posted on 03/07/2012

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it sounds like we have the same story . we were have some money issues i was 7 months pregnant and so we moved out of are apt and i moved in with my dad and he moved in with his mother and father not even three days later he sends me a text saying we were done ..... he wanted nothing to do with me before i had her and he wasn't there when i had her she is almost a month old and he hasn't helped with anything and the sad thing is i still have feeling for him and know one knows what i am going throw we planed this child and now i am doing this all by myself he wont come see her because i am here ... he losing out on knowing her .... I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

HELP

Jessykah - posted on 03/31/2010

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LYTIA BROCK that is one of the most inspiring things i had ever read xx ♥

Lytia - posted on 03/31/2010

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My answer is through prayer and also building up yourself up as far as self esteem goes. I put little messages on my mirror to help me : YOU ARE SMART,CARING...anything thing that helps to build up self esteem. I felt like something was wrong with me at first. Maybe I wasn't pretty enough or maybe too fat. But overall I don't keep people who don't wanna be kept. If he wants leave let him go . You will be blessed with someone who truly loves you for you ! Be encouraged.

Jessykah - posted on 03/31/2010

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Dear Michelle,
u r one strong girl a brake up is never easy, nn yes even harder when there is kids involved, when it comes to the dad not wantin to c u so wont c his lil girl try workin out that someone u trust dose the change over til ur both ready to do so........
we don't always no why these hurtful thing happen when we try our hardest at them, but ur friends r rite..... u do need to move on, nn yes i no it is hard, my sons dad kicked me out of our house when i was 3 months pregnant, nn now doesn't want anything to do with our son coz i will not go back to him, but back to u sorry, u need to stay happy nn lovin coz a happy mummi = happy baby..... over time it will get easier nn hopefuly u nn the dad will b able to talk nn b friends at the least.......... find urself a friend on here that u enjoy talkin to nn is willin to listen coz thats all u need is a friend that will listen nn to get it all outta ur head...... xx ♥ lots of love to u hope all starts look up nn trust me it does get easier over time..... it took me a year to get ova mine ♥ ♥

Carolee - posted on 03/31/2010

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I understand. It takes a while to get over when somebody does that to you. All you can do at this point is focus on you and your daughter. Cry when you're alone. Talk to a counselor. Be angry as hell with him when your daughter's not around. What he did to you was childish.



As for dealing with him, there has to be rules. If he wants to see your daughter, he has to see you in order to get her. If he truly wants her in his life, he wouldn't let your presence stop him. I would also suggest a rule that whoever he's seeing cannot have contact with your daughter without your permission (it sounds like he's acting like he's already dating somebody else).

Serena - posted on 03/31/2010

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No it's not that easy. Have you been able to talk to him and kinda get an idea of what might be going on. I have kinda been in this situation. I am not with my daughters dad, but it was kinda mutual, but still haveing a child with someone and not having them there with you is hard. Mine didnt want to be around us,he didn't want anything to with our daughter untill she could walk. so in some ways you are in a good place. To have him want to see your daughter and help you out is a blessing in it self. So many people don't even get that. Going through raising a child all on your own is hard. The best thing I think you can do is talk to him and let him know how you are feeling. It may be phase for him I don't know how old you are and if a phase is exceptable for the age, but maybe you don't know if he is maybe stressed about not being able to support the two of you, so he thinks the best way is to just support one of you. There is so many things it could be. But the best thing you could do for child is to at least be friends with him. I know that is even harder to do, but it will benefit your child in the long run. There is no easy way to get through this. And you will need people to talk to even if it's on here. If you are close with his family keep in touch with them. Over time the pain will fade, and life as you know it will get better. Don't let yourself go and fall into a deppression because if there is no particular "good" reason for leaving that will only harm you and your daughter. Take time for yourself and do things you like when he has her. Keep yourself busy with things you like, and Good luck I hope that things will work out for you as they have for me.

Carrie - posted on 03/31/2010

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There is really noone that will be able to understand your pain. We are all unique in how we suffer. If he wants to see his child, but not you is there a nuetral family member that may help? Be the meet in the middle type of person? You cant force him to talk to you or even explain what happened, maybe when he is ready he can explain. Until then, just give him his space and try to make a easy path for you child to see daddy without the baggering of mommy.

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