How often can I call my adult daughter without her feeling I'm being intrusive? I have emailed her and visited her in Jan. She lives 800 miles away. She has emailed me once. No calls since my visit. I emailed her inviting her home for Easter four weeks ago. She works and I realize she may not be able to come. I will totally understand. Why hasn't she called or emailed me????
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Tabitha - posted on 03/27/2012
What type of relationship did you have before she moved that far away? Did you talk everyday? Once a week? My mom had moved about 2 hours away, I know that's different but it was too far of a drive to make often. We talked everyday while she lived there. Now that she's back living in our home town, I see her everyday. If you guys weren't already in the habit of talking often or being in contact often, don't expect that to get better when she's that far away. If she's not replying, I'd probably only call to check in once every other week. If she's setting up a new life and/or new job, she's busy.
Stifler's - posted on 03/28/2012
She probably just gets up gets ready goes to work, comes home makes dinner and goes to bed I know my husband does, without giving ringing his mum a second thought. She may not check her emails that often either. What about a text message to ask what's up and tell her what you've been up to?
Tabitha - posted on 03/28/2012
Going on the info you just posted. I would have to guess that she has picked up on the feeling that you and dad have for her choice in a boyfriend. I don't think it's about the adoption, though in the back of her mind she may be entertaining the idea of meeting her birth parents. I would say, try to plan more trips to her house with dad. Get to know the boyfriend and show them that he is accepted. Color makes no difference as to how a man treats his woman. We're all the same color on the inside...physically and emotionally. If they are happy, you and dad should be happy for him and make sure he feels welcome to the family. He may very possibly become your son-in-law and father to your grandchildren one day.
Ann - posted on 03/28/2012
I am new to this site. I want to thank Chanda, Emma, Kristy, and Tabitha for sharing some useful advice. I do want to add another slant to this problem I have with my wonderful daughter that I love very much. Her dad and rest of the family loves her, too. She didn't leave home until she was 28. She was with a traveling touring group for 2 years, met a fellow that she worked with and they moved in together. They both have jobs and I'm sure that keeps them very busy. I am very grateful for in this age of such high unemployment. I am a very open-minded person. I am a retired teacher and have taught all nationalities throughout my career. The reason I mention this is because my daughter is living with an African-American. I am open to this if she is genuinely happy. I have met him on two occasions. My daughter praises him up one side and another. I took them both out to eat and we had good conversations. Her dad is not as open-minded as I am. I asked him how he would feel if she brought him home for Easter. (I doubt they can come because of the work situation and couldn't get away due to the distance involved.) He told me since they are not married they couldn't sleep together under our roof. We do have a downstairs that is equipped with couch that converts to a bed and a full bathroom. I told my daughter her boyfriend is also welcome to come. However, I think this is an uncomfortable situation for her. I'm wondering if this could be the reason why she is not communicating with me. When she was on tour for those two years, we connected more frequently. In the past few years, I feel such a distance. I think I make her feel that she can't be open and just plain be herself with me. I don't want to give off that feeling at all. I want to ask her if I make her feel uneasy. I am just giving her the space she seems to want right now. Her dad and I both think this is not the normal situation. Your adult children just don't go for months without showing any caring for your family. I told her how I'm starting to give her dad B-12 shots and I humorously said he better be good as I may have a dull needle. I had no response. I thought she'd call dad and ask how he was feeling. I know you can be busy with life but you can never be too busy to have a few minutes every couple of weeks to call home and share our lives with one another. Another aspect----she was born to us from under our hearts. We adopted her at 3 months of age. She's always grown up knowing this. Perhaps now that she's older, she feels a distance towards us. I sure hope not. When I was visiting her in Jan., I told her I had watched a program about Adoption Stories. I ask her if she had ever thought of seeking out her birthmother. I told her that Dad and I would both support her in this if she wanted to. She said she had no desire to do so. I just want to openly ask her what could be causing us to be drifting apart. Even though your adult children begin a life of their own, you still want to feel a part of it. Her dad and I are so confused about this whole situation. Thanks to anyone who has any support, advice, opinions to give me. Sorry for such a lengthy post.
Chanda - posted on 03/28/2012
My daughter and I were best friends. We now live 250 miles apart. We went through a period where we were only speaking about once a week -if I was lucky - and it was at my initiation. We now speak about 4 times a week. Half initiated by me, half by her. Also Facebook has been an excellent tool in allowing us to keep up with the little daily things. Most mornings when I get up I send her a short text to just say that I love her or that I hope she has a good day. 75% of the time she will txt back a quick good morning. I don't take it personally if when I do travel to my hometown (where she lives) and her work or school prevents us from an actual visit or if she takes several hours or a day to respond to a text. I have found that I get more responses to a text than a phone call. Plus I realize that she is a young adult now (21) and is stretching her wings... when I think back to when I was 21, I spoke with my mom (who is also my best friend) a lot less than when I was in my teens. I thought I was grown and didn't need my mommy as much. This lasted 5 or so years until I realized that I was not all grown and did still need her just as much, if not more than I did in my teens! I also found a nice 'I care about you' card to mail to my daughter and wrote in it how her speaking to me less made me feel and our communication improved greatly after that.
Kristy - posted on 03/27/2012
I would email her or write a letter and ask her why? Tell her to be honest and let you know what is wrong. You may not want to know or be comfortable with the confrontation but by doing it through email or a letter then she can get out her true feelings and you can process what she says and work at it from there.
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