How often do 25 year old single men call their mom"s

Susan - posted on 12/31/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Typically how often do single 25 year old men call, text or email their 59 year old mothers?
My boyfriend of 3 years is trying to get me to understand that men don't call their mothers other than mom's day, Christmas and her birthday. But he says women typically call their mom's daily or at least weekly. My boyfriend is 65, has a 34 year daughter in town, a 32 year daughter to NYC and a 30 son in LA; and he is 2nd of 4 girls and 2 other me. He only emails his son every 3 months or so; and his son calls every 4 months or so. They have a very good relationship. His 34 daughter in town - they call and or visit every 1 to 6 months depending on whats going on. This daughter says her friends call mom's daily but she only calls her mom weekly. The 32 daughter and he had a rough time 3 years and did not communicate at all by her choice. Now they email and she calls every 3 months or so.
I divorced 20 years ago after 20 yrs married. Should have divorced after 5. He was not very active with our son; and at age 10 Matt decided he would move out to a friends if he father did not move out - dad moved out.. There was no physical abuse to me or Matt.
Matt lived with me age 20-25. My boyfriend got me to admit that I wanted Matt living with me because I was lonely.
Boyfriend tells me I emulated my mom's extreme over mothering and unknowingly did the same to Matt. Says only way Matt has any control ... is by not calling, txt or emails .....and 75% of the time not return her communications. Even whether he will or will not come to her apt tonight for NY's Eve dinner .... which he stated emphatically when here on Christmas eve - he would most definately want to be with her on NY's. No many how many times my boyfriend tells me ... Guys Do NOT call their mom's .... while Girls do .... I just can't seem to accept this ? ! HELP !
Frustrated, sad and dissappointed .... tears tears

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Jodi - posted on 12/31/2013

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I would have to say that it is pretty typical for girls to be in more contact with their families than guys. It is often the female role to keep families together and to keep them in touch (I am not being sexist in saying this, it is actually a biological trait), and as a result, usually the female that either makes the calls or encourages her partner to make the calls. My husband is good - he calls his parents about once every couple of weeks, but his parents are elderly, so he likes to keep up with how they are doing. But my ex, it used to be when I reminded him to call his mum. My brothers talk to my mum more frequently because my mum calls them more than them calling her. It isn't because they don't love her, it just isn't something they always remember to do.

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Jodi - posted on 12/31/2013

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I am 44, my parents are in their late 60s, my in-laws in their 80s. My children are 21,16,14 and 9, and my 4 brothers are all younger than me, the youngest being 36.

I agree with your boyfriend to some degree, in that overmothering CAN cause problems. Not having observed your parenting techniques, I can't say if that is what you have been doing. Now that most of my children are a little older, even as teens, I back off a little and allow them to make some decisions and make their mistakes. It is important that we don't smother them, but at the same time, protect them. It is a fine balance. There are days I feel I got it right, other days I don't. As a high school teacher (Years 7-10), I can see the results of those who have been over-mothered and those whose parents back off too much.

I don't agree with your boyfriend that you should stop the contact from your end altogether and that contact should only come from your son. There is nothing wrong with contacting here and there. But maybe limit it.

It is normal to emulate our parents' parenting techniques. Like all creatures in the animal world, many things we do are learned, and we can only learn what we know. Of course, we CAN teach ourselves to do things differently, and there are many things I do differently to my parents now, but much of what comes naturally to me is learned from my upbringing. As I am sure most people would say here. But we do, sometimes, have to be conscious of this and change it. If overmothering comes naturally to you, it will be difficult to go against that, so it will take work not to do so. You need to learn to be aware of when you do it, and make a conscious effort not to. Changing the way you do things becomes easier as you practice it more :)

Susan - posted on 12/31/2013

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Thanks Jodi for your feedback ! For me to get a better perspective on where you are coming from ... do you have children, ages, siblings, parents alive, married ?

Could you please refer back to my 1st message - and make a recommend -ation or comment - that includes these specifics.
My guyfriend,Ken, with 2 daughters 34yrs old /32 ,1 son 30yrs and 4 sisters ages 50 thru 63; gave me more thoughts to consider as to why I should dramatically reduce (or he says preferrable stop ) my calls, emails, txt's to my 25 yr old son Matt.
Ken and I share a great deal of our feelings and thoughts daily - and we believe it has brought us closer together. It took Ken about 2 of our 3 years to understand what he saw as extremely over mothering. Since we only spend 3 of 7 nites a week together, he was able to just say to me "ok dear" and go grumble by himself for a few minutes. Apparently I did this frequently. He says I spoke to him as though I was 14 yrs old.
My mom, a perfectionist, was constantly pointing out what I had done wrong about everything. There were the 20 years og "mothering" with her growing up and then another 20 years while taking care of her from age 68 to 88.
Ken says it's absolutely normal to emulate our parents parenting techniques - and that we do it automatically and without any forethought - and that we are completely unaware that we are doing exactly what we hated our moms doing to us. Ken has no doubt that my mothering to Matt was just as extreme as I received from my mom. I had enough of her mothering and headed 300 miles away from her to Syracuse where I went to college.
Ken's Irish Catholic mom was also overwhelming; and he always sees her face
when I am mothering him. Now that he understands me - he just says yes dear ... walks away ... or tickles me to make me laugh.
Ken insists that comfortable desired communications with Matt will only come if and when Matt initiates it. Ken says it's unlikely Matt will get over the 22 years of my painful obsessive mothering - always telling how he should do things.
Ken says I need to accept it and not fight it. He says I will only make it worse if I continue to contact him ... that I must stop.
I don't like it - but I think Ken is right. But it still leaves me sad and disappointed week after week. THANKS again for your initial response - it helped to get another prospective.

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