Susan - posted on 01/01/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )
Posting on Circle of Moms: 1/1/2014
Question: How often should single moms expect single 25 sons to call, text, email?
My guy friend of 3 years (he 65, me 59) is trying to help me understand that 25 year old single men typically don't call their mothers other than on Mother’s Day,Christmas , their Birthday, and whenever they have a problem.
Ken has 34 & 32 yr daughters and a 30 yr son. Ken is the 2nd boy of 3 boys and 4 sisters. His parents 90 & 88 live in Nevada.
My 25 yr Matt lives 8 miles away. I desperately desire to speak with him at least twice per week; preferably in person.But that never happens;leaving me sad,disappointed and angry. Matt doesn’t answer his phone, doesn’t answer voice messages most of the time. Three weeks ago his txt said he was probably coming for dinner on Christmas Eve. To find out if he decided to come or not; for 2 weeks I phoned 4 times and left voice mails, sent 5 texts; he didn’t respond. At 1pm Matt calls to confirm he is coming for my 6pm dinner. He shows up at 7:30pm. Me grumbling - grinding of teeth
Matt continued living with me from 18 to 22 yrs old. My guy finally helped me to realize that my true reason for wanting Matt living with me those 4 years was because I didn’t want to be lonely; and secondarily so I could “oversee/mother” his life and explain the correct way to do things, like my mom had for 20 yrs growing up and 20 yrs from 68 to 88 while I was attending to her senior citizen needs.
After 6 months with my guy staying over only 3 nights a week; Matt decided it was best that he move out. Matt & Ken never really communicated with each other; just hello’s.
I divorced 20 years ago after 20 yrs married. I should have divorced after 5; but we Catholics don’t do that. He was not very active with Matt; and at age 10, Matt decided he would move out to a friends if his father did not move out - dad moved out.. There was no physical abuse to me or Matt.
My guy has explained many times that I have emulated mom's extreme over mothering, and I unknowingly treated Matt the same way (by emulating my mom like- most adults do). He says the only way Matt has any control whatsoever while interacting with me is by not calling, txt or emails and 75% of the time not returning my communications. No matter how many times Ken explains to me that guys do not t call their mom's regularly while girls do. I can't seem to internalize and get myself to accept this? He tells me to accept it and not fight it because I will only make it worse.
I still continue desperately desiring to speak with him every week; preferably in person. But that never happens; leaving me sad, disappointed, and angry.
Help me to “get it” … and accept it as just how things have been since the dawn of man.
Ken gets his viewpoint about this from his parents and siblings and his three children. Ken’s 34 yr daughter’s friends call their mom daily while she only calls her mom weekly. Me, she calls sporadically once every 1 to 4 mths, but it could be two weeks in a row. My engaged 30 yr son in LA calls every 6 months or so.
Married happily 17 of 19 years, single past 20yrs. He is the 2nd of 3 boys and has 4 sisters ages 50-66. His parents 90 and 88 live in Nevada. His 4 sisters call their mom almost daily. Ken used to call only on holidays. But now because of their age he and his brothers each call Mom every 2 weeks. THANKS EVERYONE !