How should I discipline my 15 year old?

Jennifer - posted on 01/02/2013 ( 6 moms have responded )

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The other day my daughter was being very disrespectful when I went out of my way to by her something. I confronted her and mentioned if she did it again I would ground her. Well a couple days later when she was at her dads house, I called to say "Hi" and she said, "What! What do you want?"I asked her what was wrong and she said "You bother me". I was really hurt so I went and took some of her Christmas presents, cell phone charger and tv remotes and put them in my car as her punishment. Now things are even worse! She refuses to do anything I ask her, like clean up after the cat (which is her responsibility). She tells me "No, not until you give me my sh-t back!". I try to talk to her and she won't listen. She just says that I bother her and to leave her alone! How do I handle this?

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Ariana - posted on 01/03/2013

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Jodi is right, you have to keep the stuff away from her until she figures out she needs to treat you respectfully.

If she's refusing to clean up after herself the simple answer is that whatever you find lying around after 7 oclock (or w/e) and it's not cleaned up it also gets taken away. So if she leaves something she likes lying on the ground or w/e that she was supposed to clean up it also gets taken away until she figures out it's time to clean up. Or if she refuses to do chores/clean up every time you have to clean after her you deduct money from her allowance as 'pay' for you doing her work. If she gets allowance that is.

I would continue keeping the things and calmly explain to her that she'll have a chance at getting her things back once she calms down and speaks with you respectfully and starts doing what she's supposed to.

It's great that you're showing her she can't just say anything she wants! As they say it gets worse before it gets better so she's going to throw a fit and see if she can defy you into giving her her stuff back. If she ever wants any of it back she'll have to learn to restrain herself.

Jodi - posted on 01/03/2013

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Let her play the card Jennifer. Let her play it. She is testing you. If you give in, it will never get better because she knows which buttons to push. Stick to your guns and hang in there. And at worst case, let her go and live with her dad. I'm sure that won't last either. Don't let her threats upset you. Just remind yourself you are doing the right thing, and you are a good mother. Giving in now because what she is saying is hurting you will only make it worse in the future. Remember when she was a toddler, and you had to ignore and deal with those little tantrums, and no matter what she did to get her own way, you had to stay with your decision? It is no different when they are teens, they just get more manipulative, and therefore, more hurtful. Quite honestly, she is acting like a brat, and it needs to stop. And the longer she continues with the bratty behaviour, the longer she won't have those privileges.

Jennifer - posted on 01/03/2013

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Thanks Jodi, I just needed to know I was doing the right thing. One of the problems is that now she keeps saying that she wants to go live with dad cause she dosn't like me. We both have 50% custody of her. She is playing the card where she can just go to other parent's house if she is grounded. She refuses to do any chores or clean up after her self. She keeps saying "not until you give me my stuff back".

Jodi - posted on 01/02/2013

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Make it clear that she will only get it back when she earns it back through her behaviour. Include grounding as well. Don't try to discuss it with her until she can speak to you in a respectful manner. Leave the removal of the items and grounding in place as an open-ended arrangement until you can have that civil discussion with her. Then, and only then, can you discuss with her how she can earn back those privileges, and the longer she continues to treat you like this, the longer it is going to take!

I understand you are hurting, and I understand it makes you angry, but it has only been a day or so? You need to leave it longer than that before she will come around. Do NOT give in, whatever you do. Stand your ground, but don't engage her in the battle. She will try to engage you, but don't go there until she is prepared to sit down and discuss this with you.

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Kali - posted on 08/29/2013

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Jennifer my daughter has been behaving the same but much worse . It has been a constant challenge with disrespect , I have taken things away and then given them back after a a few days or a week. she only sees her father once every four months or so he is a hands off parent I have been raising her alone for seven years and no support. This time I took her things away and she could not have her best friend over , she told me to F off and called me a bitch , slammed doors etc. I feel like I have no control , i told her to go to her room or stay at her fathers ! She called him and he came to pick her up and she told me to F off in front of him ! I have been sending her to a christian school for ten years and work so hard to give her and her brother everything I can . I am dumbfounded and worried. Her liittle brother is so upset to .

KIM - posted on 01/03/2013

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I think that you did the right thing by taking her things away, and I agree with all that has been said. You really do have to stick with your decision. Until she respects you & the house that you have prepared, then she doesn't DESERVES the things that in actuality are PRIVILEGES.

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