How should I handle my stepkids mom's other children in my house?

Jessica - posted on 07/22/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I have been married to my husband for 7 years. He has 4 children, 3 of which live with us full time. The older 2 are 10 and 11. They have lived mostly with us since 5 and 6. There mom and I got along great until the kids wanted to live with us. It is a wierd family disfunctional situation..she lived with my mother in law until about 4 years ago. Which I always felt was wierd but it was what it was. So, My husband feels it is important for us to be "family". I dont disagree for the sake of the kids. So, every year we have a family 4th of July party at our house. 1st year she came and made our then 8 year old watch her 2 year old so she could sit and do nothing. She is a terror. She tries to break important glass thing I have all over my house, tears apart the kids rooms, runs down the hall with hands or toys on the walls, etc. all while she does NOTHING to correct her. Then she told her son was soaking wet and she told him to go inside and get a towel himself. I have hardwood floors and so I asked her to get one for him. She said no and told him to get it again but just try not to get the floors wet. I had to stop what I was doing to get one for him. This year I told my husband she will be asked to leave and never come back if she acts like that and he can deal with the fallout. He supports me in my choice whatever it is. This year, she got drunk early and didnt watch her kids. I had to put up things I didnt want broken and at one point lock her 3 year old out of the house while I was trying to cook and she kept running through the kitchen. It was time to eat and I had to make her kids plates. The little girl kept bullying the neighbor girl who was trying to eat by taking her food away. She didnt eat her food and kept trying to feed the dogs food that could kill them despite being told several times to stop. At night, we had a bonfire and roasted marshmellows. The little girl kept pushing her way closer to the fire. I asked her to keep an eye on her so she didnt get hurt. She came out for like 1 minute and then went back in the house. I had to grab her at least 3 times before she fell in. I was the only adult outside until my husband's cousins husband came to help me. I am at the point where I dont want her in my house with that child ever again. I dont think it is fair that I am already raising her older 2 kids without help from her and I have to deal with your terrors destroying my house. For the kids or not, I am done! i will not have a 4th of july party EVER again if thats what it takes. I guess I was raised as I am raising our children that you respect others homes and leave them cleaner than when you arrived. Some people have no snese or manners. Am I wrong for not wanting her in my home? I feel I gave her a few chances to turn it around and she hasnt. She can see her kids when ever she wants. I am ok with spliting the 4th ever other year. I am DONE being disrespected in my own home. Is it her being disrespectful to me or being a bad parent? Am I overreacting? Do I owe it to my children to deal with it and get along. My husband supports me but he thinks I need to get over it and discipline the girl if I dont like what she is doing. I am a parent that believes that it is not your place to discipline my child when I am present. Any advice?? get over it or say she is not welcome?

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Melodie - posted on 07/23/2012

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She is being a bad parent and disrespectful. If her child is in your home and she refuses to discipline the child, you are right to do so. If she doesn't like it, then she needs to watch her own kid. You mentioned the drinking. I wouldn't let her drink at my house. If she doesn't like your new attitude, she knows where the door is!

Susan - posted on 07/23/2012

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Jessica, You're not overracting from what I've heard. Exstended families are tricky.Ussually, it's the parents that have problems.It's sounds like to me she's not a good parent, but that's not really helpful, you already know that.But you do have the upper hand, your husband supports you! I was raised in a family where you don't get on to other peoples children, too. But I think that was cause everybody carried a belt, LOL. just a different world. But if you are really that uncomfortable trying to get her to mind, then the only thing you can do is ask them not to come back until, she gets it together. I think you and your husband are more worried about keeping the family together than the ex is. Is your husband around when she comes over. If not make it apoint for her to only come over when he's there. And if he is comfortable getting on to the child let him do it, the ex may take it better coming from him. That way you don't look like you're just being a B_____! The one thing you gotta keep in mind is, you and your husband have worked hard to have a home and to keep your family together.And nobody should try to destroy that, and I mean NOBODY! In the mean time HOLD YOUR HEAD UP, AND THANK GOD FOR THE BLESSING IN YOUR LIFE! So many times all we see are the bad things and we forget about all the good in our lives.I hope this will help you. Susan Cupp, email s1968snowbunny@yahoo.com

Kristin - posted on 07/22/2012

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I suggest just splitting the holiday. Doesn't seem like anything is going to happen with talking to her before hand or at the party.

Jessica - posted on 07/22/2012

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He has 4 kids but only 2 with her. She has 4 but 2 with different men....he does support me but he also feels i need to get over it since she is only 3. He tells me he will talk to get but i don't know if he really does. He tries to defuse the situation by pleasing us both...this year i drew the line at get needing to stay the night. He sees her as family because of the kids.like his sister and that is how she is treated by his family..they were never married

Deanna - posted on 07/22/2012

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I'm confused...they have 4 kids together....but she has another one that's not his? I am a stepmother, my husband has 2 ex's we deal with and it's just hard. I do feel like if it's your home you have the right to set rules etc for whoever is there. I'm not sure if discipline is the word but I've certainly taken toys or banned kids from the toyroom etc for not behaving properly etc. I think it's a decision you have to make with your husband. Some things can probably be dropped, I mean if they are his kids too, then the blame shouldn't be placed totally on her for watching him however if she's disrepectful to you or your household "rules" then she can't be at your house and it's your husbands place to support you and tell her. My husband has had to do the same for me. His oldest lives with us full time and when mom comes to visit he has made it clear it is my house and I have stepped up to raise her son and I am the "mom" of our household. She mostly complies :) Good luck.

Michelle - posted on 07/22/2012

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Well since she is his ex don't really see the need for you guys to do things together however, if she is not going to discipline the child someone has to so I would definitely discipline but I have no problems disciplining others children. But if she is disrespecting you and your husband which is what it sounds like I would cut my losses and quit inviting them to stuff. tell the older two you love them very much but you just can't deal with the little one anymore you are afraid she is going to get hurt.

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