How should Moms react to husband's lower income yet being the primary caregiver?

Dave - posted on 02/18/2014 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Does it makes sense, given a) ~ 5 decades of the Equality Issue supposedly being entrenched in everyone's minds though hearts is questionable; and b) given a totally different socio-economy from say the 60s > that when the Mom makes more $ and they have a toddler, is it acceptable to have the Dad be the "Primary Caregiver" hence saving Day Care costs while "doing truly what's in the best interest of the child" who would always use a parent over a Day Care and yet, the Dad will also work as many hours as feasible too when not with the child?

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Marybeth - posted on 02/22/2014

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Either parent can be the "Primary Caregiver". About 10 years ago a friend (female) of mine had her first baby. Shortly before that she was promoted to a really good job that she really loved. Her husband, on the other hand, had a dead end job that he didn't like. So he took time off and raised the babies (a second one came about a year later) while she pursued her career.
Now, years later, the son and daughter are in school and doing well, he has started a different career and likes it, and she is enjoying her career. A win for all. I see no reason dads can't be the stay at home caregivers.

Jodi - posted on 02/22/2014

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My husband has a lower income than I do at the moment, but I am still probably more the primary caregiver than he is, simply because of how our work hours work out. The way we see it is that we both do what we need to do for our family. It doesn't matter how it gets done. Some nights, he picks kids up and runs them around, cooks dinner and does some of the housework, other nights I do it. We just get it done.

When my son was a baby my then-husband (now an ex) stayed home with him and I went back to work because we needed my income - his income was much lower than mine. He took the parental leave for 6 months instead of me.

I don't see the issue of whether it is dad or mum who stays home. As long as the childrens' needs are met, isn't that all that matters?

Dave - posted on 02/22/2014

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To Amarylis: Thanks for your response and sorry it has taken me a few days to respond. I entered this site a little of a week ago and have had 2 replies. I thought there'd be more. One thing that is transparent and I kind of expected since it is also apparent out in the real world is this > we all should be perceiving the BIG PICTURE or the FOREST rather than our own individual "tree". What I mean is, I have had tons of discussions over the years with ladies regarding how the socio-economic problems have all but destroyed our family lifestyle of centuries past and yet practically all of these ladies revert to talking about their own "situation" = a "tree" without viewing the the causes behind this destruction such as Big Government hence high taxes and less spending power, controlling corporations, treating a creator as if it is poisonous to mention the word God, drugs, sexual freedom thus STDs galore, a media hell bent on having every last mother place Career and Independence from men and even children for their "Careers", idolizing materialism-prestige-money-verbal outspoken almost aggressive power, keeping kids at Universities WELL beyond what is biologically normal such as late 20s to early 30 heavily in debt, no political party will consider turning back the hands of time to where a one income family with home and a few kids plus no divorce was the norm, and the Churches of all denominations continue to sag while they should ban together as one as they should be the ones to SPAKE OUT loudly rather than coward in their bubbles again with decreasing congregations since the 60s. The birth control pill is another huge problem medically and socially which personally, if I were a lady there is no way I would swallow that pill. It took my mother's life and causing sterility, cancer and of course free sex with any Tom, Dick or Harry. I was just speaking with a good friend about all these catastrophic problems Baby Boomers mostly, have created for 3 generations now. Now, young men for the most part veer away from marriage while ladies pursue their Careers. This is why I shared that centuries of ancestors would be horrified with today's lifestyle while so many of us single dwelling adults are in denial that these problems exist while they know perfectly well they are being choked by the Liberated doctrine. This is what I mean by looking at the Big Picture or forest unselfishly rather than oneself. We owe this kind of outlook for our children's children's children. There is an old saying, "behind every good man there is his better woman", which was the days when ladies looked up to the man and motivated him to do his best as they met around 18 to 25 years of age to marry. The man was not already set up with her check list of today. IF we are to rebound and have children again beyond 1 things must change back to decades ago however, they will not as they will only get worse. One cannot be blamed for praying to a so called God given what is happening. All the best to you.

Dave - posted on 02/22/2014

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To Amarylis: Thanks for your response and sorry it has taken me a few days to respond. I entered this site a little of a week ago and have had 2 replies. I thought there'd be more. One thing that is transparent and I kind of expected since it is also apparent out in the real world is this > we all should be perceiving the BIG PICTURE or the FOREST rather than our own individual "tree". What I mean is, I have had tons of discussions over the years with ladies regarding how the socio-economic problems have all but destroyed our family lifestyle of centuries past and yet practically all of these ladies revert to talking about their own "situation" = a "tree" without viewing the the causes behind this destruction such as Big Government hence high taxes and less spending power, controlling corporations, treating a creator as if it is poisonous to mention the word God, drugs, sexual freedom thus STDs galore, a media hell bent on having every last mother place Career and Independence from men and even children for their "Careers", idolizing materialism-prestige-money-verbal outspoken almost aggressive power, keeping kids at Universities WELL beyond what is biologically normal such as late 20s to early 30 heavily in debt, no political party will consider turning back the hands of time to where a one income family with home and a few kids plus no divorce was the norm, and the Churches of all denominations continue to sag while they should ban together as one as they should be the ones to SPAKE OUT loudly rather than coward in their bubbles again with decreasing congregations since the 60s. The birth control pill is another huge problem medically and socially which personally, if I were a lady there is no way I would swallow that pill. It took my mother's life and causing sterility, cancer and of course free sex with any Tom, Dick or Harry. I was just speaking with a good friend about all these catastrophic problems Baby Boomers mostly, have created for 3 generations now. Now, young men for the most part veer away from marriage while ladies pursue their Careers. This is why I shared that centuries of ancestors would be horrified with today's lifestyle while so many of us single dwelling adults are in denial that these problems exist while they know perfectly well they are being choked by the Liberated doctrine. This is what I mean by looking at the Big Picture or forest unselfishly rather than oneself. We owe this kind of outlook for our children's children's children. There is an old saying, "behind every good man there is his better woman", which was the days when ladies looked up to the man and motivated him to do his best as they met around 18 to 25 years of age to marry. The man was not already set up with her check list of today. IF we are to rebound and have children again beyond 1 things must change back to decades ago however, they will not as they will only get worse. One cannot be blamed for praying to a so called God given what is happening. All the best to you and oh almost forgot, thank goodness we are not Equal for it is how we differ that attracts us accept for the fact that Values must be the same.

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If it is true equality then that goes for men too. If there is an option for a parent to stay home then that is in the best interest of the child. I do not believe that divorce is based around who is with the child. I have three friends that are childless and divorced. Here a child is asked after the age of 12 I believe who they would rather be with and then the court sees if that parent can provide a safe home for the child. My Oma was a stay at home mom and got a divorce the moment they became easy to get which wasn't until the 1960's. You practically could not get divorces before that so yes break up rates would look lower but lots of people hated their spouse. Now my mom stayed home for me and my brothers while my dad worked, my brothers are still in school. She has been begging for a divorce for years but my father won't give her one and due to being a stay at home mom she is trapped there because they live in the country and she does not have a license. So if they lived in a city my mom would have moved mountains to divorce him since options would be available to her.
Now for me I am a stay at home mom until my two children are in school. Then I am going back to work, I will be having a better paying job than my husband because I am just finishing my post secondary education. If I had a better paying job prior to becoming a mom he probably would have stayed home. My husbands sister was raised by her father from the age of three onwards and I believe my mother in law wasn't even allowed visitation in the court order so the the dad is able to win custody if he is the sane stable parent. But I believe divorce comes from people falling out of love, or rushing into a marriage with the wrong person not from who stays home with the child. So far I have been married the longest out of my friends and been in the longest relationship. There have been times when I have been the only one working and times where he has been the only one working. If I were to leave him he would have to a) start being abusive to me b) be abusive to our children c) get involved in crime or drugs d) be cheating on me or e) we simply grew apart and have nothing in common anymore.

Dave - posted on 02/19/2014

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I very much appreciate your response so thank you Shawnn. Given that you stated that my question came across in a “very roundabout and circular” I should readdress this for clarity sake. I thought by listing only 2 key, (wherein there are many others), components of a ~ 6 decade-long-issue that my points a) and b) where specific but apparently not. In addition, since my points a) and b) have been heavily scrutinized by {most}in our culture for so long; consequently, a) and b) were meant to question our entire population and especially the “Baby Boomers” since they were the demographic that altered our familial course. Most times when I have heard my a) b) questions asked to ladies over the years their answers have often been ‘singularized’ whereas the question’s intent is to encompass everyone of all generations since we are all in this change together. Regarding “SAH”, the connotation a “stay-at-home” parent for decades has been > “all she/he does is stay at home”. If we were to bring back generations of parents over the centuries and posed this quoted statement to them, they would think it a bizarre assessment & inaccurate let alone a grave insult. This is because being a Primary Caregiver involved a variety of ongoing daily tasks inside, and outside the home such as errands, shopping, church activities, and much more. In reference to your situation, I can only imagine it because I never experienced this in marriage or growing up. So speaking from my heart, the fact that your family is still intact given the “long term disability” speaks well for your Souls. Just to speculate, IF a family was similar to yours with Dad being the Primary Caregiver but with no disability, is it still acceptable for him to be the Primary Caregiver when the mother makes more money? When this has been tried in a growing number of households, statistics show that separation/divorce rate is much higher. In contrast, in centuries gone by when mothers were the Primary Caregivers even after weaning, divorce in all cultures was extremely low and moreover and yet “Equality” of roles was not the case but instead, they differed with little cross-over. And yet in recent decades although we have been told by many it’s fine to reverse this role, stats indicate the risk of family break up increases. Also factually speaking, when both parents work outside the home which is the rule rather than the exception, and Dad’s income is higher, separation/divorce rates though still high is lower in comparison; even though during this predominant scenario the child(ren) are not asked whom they prefer to nurture them particularly the first few years. More importantly, after a separation childrens’ lives again when left up to a Family Court wherein their slogans, mottos, or whatever one wishes to coin is “We do what is in the best interest of the child(ren), Without prejudice” however, they do not ask the children and rarely make a decision resembling “Equality” for he child’s parents. All the while, Judges are not accountable to for their decision making unless an “appeal” is launched which is very rarely done. So without accountability, how can there be any Credibility? I encourage anyone reading this to join in and again in my view, your family is to be commended.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/18/2014

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Soooo...I take it you're asking, in a very roundabout and circular way, if it's ok for Dad to be the SAH parent?

Well, considering that my husband has been disabled for the last 14 years, and for the last 9 of those been medically declared unable to work, he's been the SAH since our youngest was about 7.

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