how to approach my daughter about her biological father

Genesis - posted on 11/05/2015 ( 2 moms have responded )

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well first id like to inform you that I am a mother of two. my oldest is 5 and youngest is 18 mo and I am currently with the father of my youngest child, he's been in my life since my oldest was 5 months. and he was a good friend before our relationship.

now lets take it back to when I got pregnant at 16 with my oldest. my relationship with my bf at that time was very short although I did care a lot for him. once I told him I thought I might be pregnant he promise he would be there for us but once I actually confirmed it over text he never replied. I tried calling and texting for days but no response. I was still living with my parents so I was scared to tell them and I couldn't just drive to his home because I had no car. Anyways once I told my parents they took me to his home to tell his parents that he needed to own up to his responsibility and his mother assured us he would but that just never happened. when I was4 months pregnant I did find out by friends of friends that he also had another girl pregnant and she was just a month or two ahead of me who he chose to stay with. after my daughter was born and she turned 6 months he did try to come see us but my dad answered the door and was obviously holding a grudge against him for what he done that my dad didn't allow my daughter's father to see us.(I did once again hear by friends of friends he had took a break with his gf and so he thought he could come play daddy with us but that's just extra info) ...after that he never tried again until she was 3 but this was only because I logged into my old Facebook that he decided to send me a message. I agreed to meet and talk about a few things. (I'll admit I was not the kindest either bc I still held a grudge myself and bc he tried to say I had her around a lot of guys which was not true. he was just saying that so he can find out for himself if I've been dating or what we were up to) any ways he also mentioned how he wanted to make things right but I explained that I felt that she was too young and I wanted to wait a few more years.( also bc she already thought my bf now is her dad since he came in the picture when she was 5 months) and I didn't want to confuse her..I did try to reach out to him a few months later but again there was no respond maybe bc it was bad timing for him idk but well now she is 5 and he's emailed again to see where my thoughts stand. I feel like she can definitely understand better but I just don't know how to approach her and what to say about her dad since he did leave us and stayed with the other girl he had got pregnant. but I'm also aware that i cant surround his image with negativity bc my daughter could end up with a negative impact like begin to hold grudges against people or something

Since i had my oldest i became very over protective and i was always proud of myself for pushing through depression and working two jobs and paying on a car for us and just over all achieving so much at such a young age; so allowing him to show up like he did nothing wrong also stings a bit bc i really wanted my daughter to be proud of me for what i did for the both of us not like other girls my age at that time that preferred to always leave their child with a sitter to enjoy going to clubs or parties and have different boyfriends which till this day I've not gone to the club but once and i was 20. but I've chose to stay with my kids so I'm not blaming them just mentioning how much dedication I've put into motherhood.

THANK YOU to those who actually read all this. I tried to make it shorter but I couldn't seem to.

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Raye - posted on 11/06/2015

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You have done a lot for your kids. But some of it was done for you, and you convinced yourself it was for your kids. Your daughter is his daughter too. And, forget about what HIS rights are for a moment (which you have violated), but your child (his child) has a right to know her real father.

You need to go to court, get visitation set up for the father, and tell her that he's her dad. She will be confused at first and may be shy or reluctant to spend time with him, because you have made him a stranger to her. If she has questions about where he's been, don't go off on how he left you, just say that he was away but now he wants to see her.

If you have been letting her call your BF "daddy", then explain to her that he is her step-daddy (not really because you're not married, but why confuse the girl even more with your bad choices). Tell her that because her real daddy was away, that BF really loves mommy and wanted to be her daddy, so you all became a family.

Ev - posted on 11/05/2015

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"""now lets take it back to when I got pregnant at 16 with my oldest. my relationship with my bf at that time was very short although I did care a lot for him. once I told him I thought I might be pregnant he promise he would be there for us but once I actually confirmed it over text he never replied. I tried calling and texting for days but no response. I was still living with my parents so I was scared to tell them and I couldn't just drive to his home because I had no car. Anyways once I told my parents they took me to his home to tell his parents that he needed to own up to his responsibility and his mother assured us he would but that just never happened. when I was4 months pregnant I did find out by friends of friends that he also had another girl pregnant and she was just a month or two ahead of me who he chose to stay with. after my daughter was born and she turned 6 months he did try to come see us but my dad answered the door and was obviously holding a grudge against him for what he done that my dad didn't allow my daughter's father to see us.(I did once again hear by friends of friends he had took a break with his gf and so he thought he could come play daddy with us but that's just extra info) ...""""------Okay, so your father kept the dad of your child away because of a the grudge he held against the man. YOu could have made that choice yourself to allow him to see his child.--------

"""after that he never tried again until she was 3 but this was only because I logged into my old Facebook that he decided to send me a message. I agreed to meet and talk about a few things. (I'll admit I was not the kindest either bc I still held a grudge myself and bc he tried to say I had her around a lot of guys which was not true. he was just saying that so he can find out for himself if I've been dating or what we were up to) any ways he also mentioned how he wanted to make things right but I explained that I felt that she was too young and I wanted to wait a few more years"""----How long were you wanting to make them wait and meet and know that this man was her real father even though she had known your BF as her daddy this long. The father could have taken you court to get his rights to see and be with his child. Why did you not go get custody, visitation, and child support set up?
""".( also bc she already thought my bf now is her dad since he came in the picture when she was 5 months) and I didn't want to confuse her..I did try to reach out to him a few months later but again there was no respond maybe bc it was bad timing for him idk but well now she is 5 and he's emailed again to see where my thoughts stand. I feel like she can definitely understand better but I just don't know how to approach her and what to say about her dad since he did leave us and stayed with the other girl he had got pregnant. but I'm also aware that i cant surround his image with negativity bc my daughter could end up with a negative impact like begin to hold grudges against people or something"""---You need to tell the child the truth about her father and your boyfriend. YOu also need to understand that she can undserstand this. You should have told her from the beginning. You are so lucky her father did not take you to court already to see her.
"""Since i had my oldest i became very over protective and i was always proud of myself for pushing through depression and working two jobs and paying on a car for us and just over all achieving so much at such a young age; so allowing him to show up like he did nothing wrong also stings a bit bc i really wanted my daughter to be proud of me for what i did for the both of us not like other girls my age at that time that preferred to always leave their child with a sitter to enjoy going to clubs or parties and have different boyfriends which till this day I've not gone to the club but once and i was 20. but I've chose to stay with my kids so I'm not blaming them just mentioning how much dedication I've put into motherhood."""---I commend your efforts to get beyond the hard times but you did do something wrong. You withheld his child from him. It took the both of you to create this baby who did not ask to be born and to be put in the middle of what you feel is right for YOU. You need to set this right and get court ordered visits, custody, and child support going so that you and the father know what is expected of you both. You should never hold things from your child but to give them the truth as their age can handle the situation or tell them enough in words they can understand.

THANK YOU to those who actually read all this. I tried to make it shorter but I couldn't seem to.

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