How to be a mother around my grandmother?

Jessica - posted on 06/20/2011 ( 22 moms have responded )

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I live with my grandmother and grandfather with my 12mnth old son with my partner.
My grandmother has taken on the role that she our sons mother.
My partner and I are not aloud to do anything with him eg: feeding,bathing,changing.
I can't talk to her because I get the big lecture of how she is not doing anything that makes me feel like I am not his mother.

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Brooke - posted on 06/21/2011

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I've been in a situation slightly similar, a few years ago. My ex cheated on me and left me with our 2 small children, so I moved in with my dad and stepmom while I got things under control (divorce, job, etc). I lived with them for a little over a year. While she didn't try to parent my children, my stepmom wanted me to parent my children her way. No go. My children are allowed to get dirty, collect bugs, and run. It was nice of them to help, but very stressful. My dad converted their basement/garage into a 2BR apt with a kitchen, bathroom, and living room for me. It was a lot of work (thank goodness he's awesome and knows electricity, plumbing, etc!) That's how I kept my sanity. We stayed down there and only came up when invited. Since you don't have that option, maybe you could get out a lot, like go for walks or go to the park where it is just the two of you, so you can bond. You can feed him lunch there and everything. I'm not big on confrontation, and I know you don't want to overstep your bounds and risk having nowhere to go, but maybe you could work out a schedule. Say something like, "You are such a great grandmother to me and also to my son. I appreciate all you do and want you to have bonding time with him, so why don't you pick a few things you love to do with him and I won't pester you while you do them. I, too, want special time with my son, to make sure he knows how much I love him and so he grows up in a stable environment, so I will be feeding him and _______ from now on. Thanks so much for everything, Grandma; I don't know where I'd be without you. I love you." That way she's placated, feels needed (which seems necessary for her) and loved, and maybe your words will penetrate. Good luck to you!

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Bobbie - posted on 05/02/2012

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easy fix, move out and then do as you please. Seriously, I am a big fan of people doing what is right rather than what is easy. Why have you and your partner live with them ? Why put three people under their roof and then complain as to how you are treated. Seems to me if you can't take care of yourself financially, you didn't take enough precautions to avoid a pregnancy and you got pregnant by someone just as at a loss to make an income and be self reliant as yourself so he too can't be on his own , then I would step in and be a mother to your child as well. It wouldn't occur to me that you could do it

Jessica - posted on 06/23/2011

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I fought back because my nan threatened 2 take my son away and yea I have Jethro I am stayin with a friend 4 a few days until we find a place

Lissa - posted on 06/23/2011

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I am so sorry to hear this. Have you got your son and found somewhere to stay temporarily?

Brooke - posted on 06/23/2011

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Just get out of there. Fast. Assaulted? That is not safe for you or baby. And charges were brought against you? Why? Did you fight back or what? Get your baby and stay away.

Jessica - posted on 06/22/2011

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I was assaulted by my grandfather over this situation I am homeless now and been put up for assault

Dianna - posted on 06/21/2011

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i hate that you are going thru this but she should step back and let you be the mother since you are his mother i have two grandchildren that are living with me with their parents and i firmly believe that she should give you pointers that will help you but not take over as the childs mother maybe you need to tell her how you feel out of respect for her good luck

Nadine - posted on 06/20/2011

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OH ok Im in the U.S. and there is a lot of help for familys in need. I would just make sure you talk to her in a calm manner no matter how she is reacting but standing your ground and and not allowing her to stop you from doing the stuff and her doing it. Dont ever let her refuse to hand him over or stop you from doing things for him like baths and what not. It will be extremely difficult at first but once she sees you are serious and that your not going to back down and are going to fight for your right and responsibilty to tak e care of your baby she will come around and respect you and your decisions.

Jessica - posted on 06/20/2011

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What's the states aid office and I live in Australia and there ain't much help here for young parents
I try not to let my anger over take me but I also don't got alot of patients either my nan knows that she is pushing my buttons but doesn't reali think that she is doing wrong

Helen - posted on 06/20/2011

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You poor thing it is a difficult situation. You need her but she is not letting you learn for yourself. try to be paatient and keep trying to talk to her and just remember it is hard to be a mother, she is having trouble letting go and it is not fair to any of you. Good luck

Nadine - posted on 06/20/2011

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Contact the state aid office they can help you get into a place and with other things. Dont let her hold that over you as a way to continue to be in control.

Jessica - posted on 06/20/2011

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My grandmother has already emotionally threatens that if we leave something will happen to her
Yes I kno that I have to stand up to her but if she kicks us out over the fact that I wanna be my sons mother and not her we will be homeless

Nadine - posted on 06/20/2011

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" I have tried taking him off her but she just pulls back." I would look at her and say this is why you make me feel like I'm not his mother and that you are over stepping you bounds. Give me my child now! I would then after getting the child tell her look you are not going to argue with her about this anymore. You appreciate everything she has and is doing for you but that you are an adult and can take care of your child. Then be firm with her and insist on doing all those things and dont let her do them. It will be hard and may be uncomfortable but if you dont stand up to her she will continue to control you and the situation, then what will happen when you do try to move out. You may find her telling you shes keeping the baby with her because shes the one that takes care of him anyway. I would also talk to you aunts and explain to them what is going on and ask for advice/help.

Jessica - posted on 06/20/2011

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Thanks she does everything and she has also told my aunties that I don't do anything for him
I have tried taking him off her but she just pulls back
My partner and I have been looking for a house now 4 months now

Lissa - posted on 06/20/2011

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If none of that worked then you will just have to stand up for yourself, take your child and be his Mother. I get the impression that she very much rules the roost and you have difficulty in asserting yourself with her. If this is the case then you need to say to yourself "I am a Mother now and I need to assert myself for my family". I understand that isn't easy, I hope you find a place soon.

Jessica - posted on 06/20/2011

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I honestly can't do anything she just thinks it's her role I have tried talking to her while people are around a letter she will just throw out and go off at me for writing it move out have tried but we can't find a place and yes I am young I am 20 and my partner is 22

Helen - posted on 06/20/2011

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Whoa, you need to step up before she has the opportunity. You are the mother explain you want her to be part of his life as his grandmother. it is a very special role being grandma. Are you very young? does she feel she needs to do it or she likes to be in control. take her out for coffee away from the house with people around stay calm thank her for her help. good luck.

Lissa - posted on 06/20/2011

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Have you thought about putting it all in a letter so you get your point across without entering into a fight with her?
If you cannot get this sorted with her then maybe it's time to move out if that is an option.

Jessica - posted on 06/20/2011

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I was raised by my grandmother
Yes I do find it hard to talk to her because I always get lectured
I have tried to tell her how I feel but she turns it into a fight

Lissa - posted on 06/20/2011

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I'm afraid you are going to have to sit her down and tell her while you appreciate all the help, you are in fact his Mother and she needs to take a step back. You could talk to her about leaving the mundane tasks to you so she has more time for Great Grandmother fun.
Do you feel it's difficult to talk with her because you live with her? Is she helping you out and you don't want to rock the relationship?
It isn't going to be easy as you live with her but you need to put your foot down now.

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