How to be an appropriate Step-Girlfriend?

Aimee - posted on 09/01/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )




I have been in a relationship for 3 years with a man who have a now preteen daughter. His daughter loves me very much, we have a very good relationship, so there is no problem there. But my boyfriend's ex-wife, her bio mommy, seems to always find something to complain about. I have NEVER tried to replace the bio mom, nor will I ever, and their daughter knows that. I WANT to get along with he bio mom, but it's so hard to like her when I hear about or read the emails she sends to my boyfriend, especially the ones that have to do with me.

My boyfriend and I do plan on getting married, and we are basically engaged without the ring, but we don't see the point in rushing into a wedding when we can't really afford it yet. Yes, there is always the option to just go to the court house, but I want to include their daughter in the wedding, and she really wants to be in it as well. And this is very hard because the bio mom doesn't seem the take our relationship seriously, therefore doesn't see me as an equal. Or at least that's how I feel it is. Their daughter never knew them together because his ex-wife left when their daughter was less than one. Bio mom is remarried, is also a stepmom, and have created a blended family.

I did not initiate any affection towards their daughter, because I wanted everything to be on her terms based on her comfort level. I wouldn't even kiss my boyfriend in front of their daughter for months. I didn't t tell their daughter I loved her until after she started saying "I love you" to me first; I didn't call her over to snuggle until she started calling me over to snuggle; I didn't give her kisses on the cheek until she started kissing me on the cheek; I didn't kiss her on the lips until she started kissing me on the lips; I didn't make her open up to me until she felt like she could open up to me. EVERYTHING has been on her terms when it comes to affection and communication.

Bio mom believes it is inappropriate of me to tell their daughter I love her, text her, tell her I miss her, talk to her on the phone when she calls her dad, or even discipline her by simply enforcing the rules and consequences at our home. If I do any of the above, bio mom sends my boyfriend venting emails about me and about him as a parent (in addition on other emails).

I want to be strong for my relationship to work with my boyfriend, and for his daughter (I don't want to leave her and possibly mess her up for life), but the 3 years of all these emails are really starting to get to me.

Do you believe I am doing anything wrong? How can I deal with all this? I know everyone says "just ignore her," but I don't want to have a bad relationship with this woman. I want a good relationship, knowing we will be in each others lives until one of us dies first. HELP!

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Aimee - posted on 09/01/2012




Thank you Kristin. I have actually already told her multiple times that I would never try to replace her. She just doesn't seem to believe that for some reason. I have even told her daughter multiple times that I would never try to replace her mom. Their daughter understands I wouldn't do that. Not to mention, their daughter calls her stepdad "dad," which was never approved or run passed by my boyfriend. And it bothers him every time she refers to her stepdad as "dad."

Kristin - posted on 09/01/2012




I had the exact same problem with my husbands ex wife when we were dating. she would text him nasty things about me. how I'm crossing the line with the two kids and how inappropriate my actions were. she even came to our house to complain about me to him right in front of me but had nothing to say to me. Kettering him that I will never replace her as mom.

I didn't try! I treat the kids like they r my own but never make any big decisions about or for them. I'm always saying "check with ur mom or dad".

I just chalked it up to her being posses that the kids liked me so much and I interacted more with them than she did.

after three years of dating him, she seemed to have settled down. she even apologized to me for her behavior for the past three years.

she even pulled him aside during teacher conferences when she saw me there. she told him that I better not go into the kids rooms with them or she is going to throw a fit, so I just left and waited in the car. before I did that I approached her and asked why she felt so sour against me. "You don't belong here!" She harshly said. seemed like she felt threatened.

we r married now and the two kids were in the wedding. but the day of my wedding was ruined for the kids when bio mom called my step daughter at the reception demanding them to come home.

I know its hard to ignore it. u r a major part of the girls life but u have limits. this mom seems to be on the defence with u about her daughter because u have a great relationship with her.

I would try to have a combo about the situation with the ex wife. tell her ur not trying to replace her and all the things she is basically needing to hear from you.

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