How to co parent

Sapphire - posted on 12/01/2015 ( 20 moms have responded )

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About four months ago my ex decided to end our relationship of 9years and call off the engagement. He stated that he couldn't bear to see me after I told his parents they couldn't stay with us for two weeks and assumed I was planning things with my mother. The relationship between his parents and I was never established and they were complete strangers to me after all those years. I wasn't comfortable with them staying in. Small apartment with us for two weeks when I had just given birth and hadn't adjusted to being a mom. I offered for them to stay at my grandparents and to use there car as well and they were going to do so but my ex told them no. With the discomfort I chose to leave for 3days and stay with my parents. When I came back home we talked it out and everything was fine or so I thought. His parents visit was over and we seemed perfect again then he started to come home from work later and later getting angry with me about everything and decided to no longer help me raise our daughter. He disappeared one day and I called the cops thinking something happened. The next day he calls and says he's sorry he went out drinking. From that day he told me to move out he needed space and I should go stay at my parents house. I fought it for three weeks and tried to work things out but he wasn't wanting to do so. He wouldn't come home at all stay out with our friend and then made them turn away from me . August I made the choice to leave the apartment wth my daughter because the emotional roller coaster was killing me.
When I moved out I would invite him over to see the baby and even offer for him to take her and spend time with her however for two weeks he would say he's coming and then not show up. She was only 2.5months.
We had a trip planned in August and I was excited to go but I had to cancel my flight because we had an argument in front of my parents house the day before and the cops were called and had escort me in moving all my belongings I could fit in my car from the apartment because it want anymore problems. He assumed that I set him up when the cops were called because I said he is acting crazy. Which he was passing his hands through his hair and pacing back and forth like something was wrong but won't talk and then blaming me I broke his phone. During this time of chaos I filed for custody visitation and child support because I felt insecure and saw things going badly. Especially with his constant threats of when I take you to court things aren't going to go your way.
While he was in Puerto Rico he talked with family and he came back wanting to work things out for my daughter as parents not as a couple. I was okay with that. The whole month of September he would come over and watch her for three hours at my house and help me with somethings. He never paid a dime but was cordial. Court was coming up and I assumed he was only acting that way so I wouldn't have anything against him. However court came and went he was never served so I was shocked to know he was really being him again. However after court I never told him because I wanted to see where we stood and he started to demand his time with his daughter alone. I gave in and said fine three hours only these places and three times a week. I did it for my sanity. So I could step away and stop believing we would work it out and get back together and to tell myself this is how it's going to be when we establish visitation.
Halloween came and he was angry with me when I showed up with our daughter and he was very hostile and wouldn't let us leave. When trick or treaters came I ran in the opposite direction and into the car with my spare key and drove to his cousins. Left the baby we her and came back to his house to pick up my purse. He ranted how he hates me and everything I do wrong. And his cousin told him I bringing him to court. While I was served the second time I knew he had to be served the second time too. However he was in shock and started crying and saying he can't believe I did this him. He was trying to keep our daughter our of the court system and work with me.
The baptism was in pr with his family and I stayed with them for two days alone with my daughter and we were completely fine however he kept saying stop trying it's not going to brings us back together. I honestly wasn't trying for that reason but for the main reason of they are my daughters grandparents.
Whe. We came back court happened the third time and child support was established and he became angry that I'm taking so much from him money wise and he can't afford to support himself. I didn't make the calculations though the court did and I didn't get a say.
Since going to court he isn't wanting to work anything out or communicate with me about our daughter the schedule we had established for two months vanished and he wants to take her for 6houra each visit( she's still breastfeeding and I pump but only enough for that feeding tried formula several and it doesn't settle with her well) and then says he doesn't have to tell me where he's taking her just when to pick up and drop off its his private time with her. I said no to that and told him three hours back on psychological studies and I need to know where she is as a mother for the safety of my child.
Since he doesn't agree he says I'm keeping him away from her and I'm restricting him from seeing his daughter. Mind you I never told him he wasn't allowed to come over and see her or help out in putting her to sleep.
We have mediation at the end of December and in the mean time I'm trying to work with him o. Spending time with our daughter and since it's not going his way he won't have it.

Am I wrong for being concerned about the where my child is when with him? He was the one that walked away I have little trust in him.
He takes her to his best friends house and his mom takes care of my daughter. To me that's not bonding

He wants to demand over nights yet he works as a personal trainer and leave at 5 am and has different hours based on clientele need.

How am I suppose to co parent with someone who only wants to take his revenge on the break up and get what he wants.

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Sarah - posted on 12/01/2015

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Everyone here knows how frustrated you are; believe me. The advice here may not be what you want to hear, but it will help you in the long run. Parental alienation is grounds to give custody to the father. Don't let your fear run your life. You trusted him enough to make this baby with him, now let him parent her too.

Ev - posted on 12/01/2015

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Then she should be having feedings that are further apart than 3 hours. She should be trying out foods to see what they are like at 6 months of age. Dad has only 3 hours. If he needs you he will call you. I know how hard it is to have a child or children living with the father more than with you. It is not easy. You have to learn that when he has her it is his time and there is nothing you can control about it.

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Sapphire - posted on 12/01/2015

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It's not what I want to hear but it's what I needed. I want to make sure what in doing is okay.
I want her to know him so she can make a decision when she can comprehend.
I love her father and it's difficult but I don't want to take away from my daughter.
All I care about is my daughter and making sure everything is her best benefit.

Raye - posted on 12/01/2015

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*You need to make it clear that the romantic relationship between you two is over.
*You and your CHILD have a right to child support, and he shouldn't be mad at you about it. It's his financial responsibility as a father.
*Both of you should be thinking about what is best for the CHILD.
*If he has the child for his visitation, then you can't control where he goes, or who he's with. Don't call him unless it's an emergency. You have to trust him.
*I don't know how old your child is, but breastmilk or formula should be the ONLY nutrition until they are 6 months, then it should still be the primary nutrition until 1 year old, with the child starting to eat baby foods and other soft foods just to get them used to different flavors and textures. If the child has issues with formula, then they do need the breastmilk.
*Get the court orders for custody and visitation, so each parent knows exactly what their rights are, and can't take advantage of the other without being brought up on charges.

Sapphire - posted on 12/01/2015

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I've only called to ask if she it okay and where he is so I can drop off what I had pumped and where I will be picking her up. Not to follow him or use up his time. She's only 6months old as of a few days ago. I don't even call more then twice if that.

Sarah - posted on 12/01/2015

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Why are you calling him during his visitation? He is her father and you will have to learn that when she is with him, he is in charge of her and trust that she is safe. I am sure if there were an actual emergency he would respond. If he only gets three hours with his child, he doesn't need to spend it talking to anyone but her.

Sapphire - posted on 12/01/2015

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I can't ever reach him when he has her he ignores calls and and messages and then tells me when dropping her you are ruining my time with my daughter when you call.

I don't want to keep him away from her because I want her to make her own decision as she grows when she can comprehend.

If he asks me where I am with her I let him know I would never hide her or endanger her so I have to nothing to hide or lie about

Dove - posted on 12/01/2015

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He doesn't have to tell you where he is... as long as you can reach each other in case of an emergency... where he has her during those 3 hours is 100% up to him. You do NOT get to dictate those types of terms... and you won't when the visitation order is final either. The more you try to control... the harder it's going to be on you when reality strikes w/ the more permanent orders.

Sapphire - posted on 12/01/2015

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He fines that based on what his clients he trains and the parenting books he reads I should be done breastfeeding her and he can give her whatever he feels like in baby food.

He won't tell me where he is and won't allow me into his house or his friends because he wants to keep me as an evil person to anyone he knows.

She has intolerance to formula and I've tried several types and brands to ensure she's health I breastfeed not to spite anyone just nourish her.

Sarah - posted on 12/01/2015

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Do you want to have to tell him everywhere you will be with your child? Why does it matter so much where he goes with her as long as you can reach him?

Sapphire - posted on 12/01/2015

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I sat down with an attorney and he looked over he paper work from the court order and said its up to the two of us to work out visitation for now u til mediation and nothing it permanent until we agree to it in mediation or the judge makes a decision.
The order just states temporary custody until mediation is discussed. Visitation will be addressed at mediation.
I've already told him three hours is fine to spend with her and just please let me know where she will be and he said no I won't pick her up then.

Ev - posted on 12/01/2015

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When my ex and I had gone for temp custody I got full temp custody. I had until the end of summer and so did he before we got the custody fully determined. We did have a visitation with that temp custody setting. He got every other weekend and four weeks out of summer. I do not understand why there is no visitation roster for your temp custody settings. You might want to check that out.

Dove - posted on 12/01/2015

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Even temporary custody orders should mention visitations... 'typically' the custodial parent must allow 'reasonable' visitations w/ the other parent until more specific orders are detailed.

For a young, breastfed infant... 3 hours IS a reasonable visitation length... Perhaps he can take her out for 3 hours, bring her home for a feed, and take her out again for another 3 hours (assuming he is able to stay close enough to your house to make that possible). My ex and I had a similar arrangement when he first started having visitations w/ our son at 1.5... but after a couple of months of that he was then allowed 8-10 hour days.

Sarah - posted on 12/01/2015

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Does that order give you sole temporary custody? If so, then you can limit his visitation. Keep in kind that is a temporary order, and if you try to limit his involvement, or control what he does when he visits; the next order may not be in your favor.

Sapphire - posted on 12/01/2015

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Right now we do not have a visitation order just a temporary custody order.

Sarah - posted on 12/01/2015

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If you lack such trust in him and just want to have court ordered visitation, stop muddying the waters by going over to see him. I agree with the other posts, what he does during his visits is his business, as long as you can reach him in an emergency.

Dove - posted on 12/01/2015

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Do you have a temporary order for visitation? Something should have been established if you've been to court 3 times.

It is normal to be concerned, but unless it is specifically written in a court order... you don't get to say where he has the child or what he does during his visitation times. You DO need to have a contact number (and an address if he's keeping the child overnight), but that is as far as your 'control' goes when you have to split time w/ your child.

Ev - posted on 12/01/2015

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You are not wrong to be worried about a child or yours...any parent is. The trouble here is that you two need to come to terms with a visitation roster that works for both of you. Its not about how you trust him or not. It is about his child having a relationship with him. If he gets her at x time on x day, it is his time and if he leaves her with family, its his loss if he is not there. What is the visitation for now?

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