How to Cope with 30-year-old daughter's rudeness and immaturity

Beth - posted on 04/04/2014 ( no moms have responded yet )

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My only child, a daughter who is almost 30 years old, has put me through an emotional hell ever since she was about 13. Some of it is typical but alot of it is not. I don't know anyone personally who has been through the things I have and I feel I have to reach out and find some help. My daughter has 10-year-old and 10-month-old little girls and she has held them over my head and threatened me with things like you'll never see them again if I don't do so-and-so. Of course I don't want that so I have often had to cry and suck it up just to keep a relationship going with my granddaughters at least. It's a long and complicated story and I'm not sure where to begin. She was diagnosed with ADD/Oppositional disorder when she was growing up - but her 10-year-old has been diagnosed with Aspergers/Oppositional disorder and shows alot of the same things my daughter did, so I have to wonder if my daughter has undiagnosed Aspergers as well. I know she's bi-polar and has never chosen to get the help she needs, so I figure some of that is the problem. But honestly, most of my friends and family who have seen what I've gone through with her over the years thinks she is the rudest, manipulative, and unappreciative girl, now adult, they've ever encountered. The latest event was yesterday when I had plans to join her and her husband at the coast - they were taking their 10-month-old but not the older girl. (the older girl has a different father and she's staying with him this week). I looked forward to it very much and my husband has been out of town for 3 weeks training for a new job, so it's been lonely around here and I just couldn't wait. The day I was supposed to drive down and meet them, I had done most of my packing and was just about to load the car when she called, saying they got there okay, and wanted to know if I'd skype with her so she could show the place to me and to see my granddaughter. I had not been feeling well earlier that day (I have chronic tummy and joint aches that affect me on a daily basis, sometimes worse days than others). I decided instead of driving the 3 hours it would take to get to the coast I would leave early the next morning. I was going to pay half of both nights I was planning on staying with them ($110.00). My daughter had plans for the four days they were going to be there - she didn't want me to stay but two days so, as she put it, she and her husband could enjoy a couple of days as a "family vacation". Well, I thought I was family? So I was okay with two nights, but it was so late in the day that I decided I couldn't drive that I told her I needed to come the next morning so instead of staying a Wednesday and Thursday night, I mentioned I could stay Thursday and Friday and enjoy two whole days instead of arriving at night on Wednesday and missing the whole first day. That's when her entire tone changed. Like a change of personality, she said, "No - we agreed that you would come Wed. and Thurs., and we have plans." I asked, "What plans?" telling her I knew of the schedule but it wouldn't change that in any way. After showing me the entire lovely place they had rented and how cute the baby was, she cut me off. She didn't care that I had been sick and wanted to come the next morning. She just said NO. This is the second time she has pulled this rug out from under me at a beach trip. Last year, before the baby was born, it was just me, my daughter, and older granddaughter - I made it to the beach to meet them just fine, but for two nights my daughter was acting mysteriously like a bitch from hell - not at me but making horrible negative comments about the people we saw at restaurants, on the street, etc. - then I picked up that she was jealous of me spending more time with my granddaughter than with her one-on-one. That night she got on the phone with her husband and started telling him how miserable she was. I had gotten my granddaughter bathed, teeth brushed, all ready for bed and was reading a book to her when my daughter came in off the balcony and yelled, "Has she brushed her teeth yet?" Well, I couldn't take it anymore, and I told her YES, she has. And why was she yelling. She snapped and started crying and wailing to her husband how awful I was. We had plans the next day to come back to my house where they would stay a couple of days, something my granddaughter was really looking forward to. She decided after coming back in the room that going to my house wasn't a good idea. I begged her to change her mind because it was breaking my granddaughter's heart and she was crying. My daughter wouldn't budge on her decision, so next day I left and drove back to my home alone while she returned to her home which is 4 hours' drive away from us. It took me days to get over it - first sad, then angry, and then heartbroken of the time she stole of visiting time with my granddaughter who I rarely see and the look on my granddaughter's face when she was made to not come with me as planned. UGH!! At least this time she got wierd on me before I met up with them at the beach. Still, I cried and cried and just don't understand my daughter at all and don't know what to do about it. She's so stubborn and schizo type behavior, that I feel helpless! No telling what she told her friends and husband after that. She loves to tell everyone half-truths when she and I bump heads. My husband was really mad because he's seen her break my heart so many times, that now he doesn't want her to come to our home anymore. (This is my second husband, not her father). Of course I can't do that or I'll never see her or my granddaughters - and I can't go to see her because she lives in a tiny trailer and there's no comfortable place for me to sleep, and I hate the lifestyle she chose. I have to get a motel when I go up there which I can't always afford. So - without going into more history, I thought I'd start this out and see if anyone can take me on with advise, recommendations, anything at all that might can help me figure out what to do about my adult daughter in order to somehow keep our relationship intact and more so to keep my granddaughters in my life. Thanks for listening! I'm new here, so this is my first time doing this! - Beth Andersen .

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