how to deal with a 13 yr old daughter who has recently had sex for the first time

Yvonne - posted on 01/02/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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How do you cope and deal with a 13yr old daughter who has recently had sex? After all the talks and teenage pregnancy shows we've watched, I feel so guilty for letting her have a Boyfriend at that age. All my friends told me she was to young but I told them I know my daughter she is a good girl and they only see each other at my house or at cheer.How could I have been so wrong? And then to find out it happened at my house almost killed me.

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Caroline - posted on 01/03/2012

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Yvonne,

OMG!! Girlfriend. I have an 11 year old and like you we had the talks, the videos and she says that she gets it. I have totally honest about sex but, I have slowly introduced it to her one step at a time. I took her to the "free clinic" and I showed her first hand about STD's. Even though I was freaked out about my daughter's candid conversation I was and have been very clear about not having sex just as you have. I guess even though your daughter made a mistake in judgment, This is what I would say to you as a mom to a mom. 1st- Keep the communication open. Let her come to you. If you do that then she will have the confidence to come to you. 2nd- talk with your daughter and not at her. As adults we forget how it was when we were all young, let your daughter know how you felt at her age and you can understand how she has these feelings but being with a boy is not the answer. 3rd- and last thing, don't keep pounding away at her for the mistake. Talk with her when it can be just the two of you and you are in a good mood. Ask your daughter if she has any questions and try to answer them open and honest as you can. Because face it, if she wants to do it, she will. The best thing moms can do is to listen and be open so your child feels confident to open up. I wouldn't allow her to date anymore either. My daughter is only going to date a boy when she is at least 16 no earlier. Let kids be kids, the time goes too fast and there is plenty of time when she is older to worry about boys and sex. Believe me, my daughter is 11 going on twenty, LOL... so I understand what your feeling. Keep your chin up and I hope you find this helpful. Bye for now, Caroline

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Yvonne - posted on 01/03/2012

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I want to Thank you Caroline for your sound advice , because all I feel like doing is lashing out at her and that will get me no where. We did sit down and have a long talk about why, her answer was she just got caught up in the moment. I really need to remeber she is only 13 and let her know she does have to earn our trust back. I appreciate your feedback it really did help.

Thank you also Erin for your advice things are going to change now, she will need to earn back our trust. How
I found out is she told her best friend that she had sex one time and it so happens that her best friends mom is also my best friend so the daughter told the mom and the mom told me.

Ez - posted on 01/03/2012

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You obviously wanted to believe the best of your daughter. This doesn't make her 'bad', but it certainly means things need to change. She has proven she can't be trusted, and you need to treat her as such. Beating yourself up over the decisions you've made in the past will not help. Instead, focus on how you're going to deal with the current situation. Realise that you have given her too much freedom and now that must change until she can prove she has learned her lesson and earned it back.

Oh and just out of curiosity, how did you find out she is sexually active? Did she tell you?

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