How to deal with an extremely dominating and Lying husband

Sumi - posted on 02/21/2016 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My husband and I are together for 34 years now since we met when I was 19 and he was 20. I was a very submissive, insecured and quiet girl as I was extremely ill treated by my parents and elder step siblings since my childhood. The reason I was told by my grandmother was my mum never liked a girl child and I was born a girl as her first child.

My husband was aware of these facts before our marriage. He loved me like a mad person. He was very possessive about me. He started having sex with me soon after we met each other. I was reluctant to have sex but he ensured that is love. Our relationship went to this extent that we got married against his parents objection and punishing him with terrible physical torture. We did not have any job or shelter.
We started living in a friends house before marriage. We lived there for a week and in between he hit me with a physical injury during an argument. He had already started abusing me and calling me names. I repeatedly told him ot to call me names. He did not stop. He used to have sex with me for atleast 7 times a day and I never enjoyed sex. I was rather scared of sex. He told me that was actual love.
We got married and he got a job and we moved on. He started changing slowly. He would spend more time with friends, fantasise other women and girls and we started having fights and arguments that went up to tremendous physical abuse. I was very submissive but not a person with weak heart who would submit infront of physical torture. I started replying equally with physical abuses.
After every physical fight my husband used to have sex with me. He always loved raping me.
My son was born 2 years after our marriage. When he was 2 months old my husband had relation with my cousin that was accidentally witnessed by me, he kissing and smooching my sister. I wa devastated. I fought, cried but he had sex with me the same night.
I had to carry on as I had no place to go with such a little son. My husband always wanted to send me to my mother's place inspite of knowing my mum did not like me to be there. Somehow he could manage to send me atleast once a year. When I came back I could come to know he had been to several nieghbours and friends as there wives invited him specially when the husbands were not there. He used to narrate stories to me how he had physical touch and stuff with them but had no intercourse. Later when I used to cry and fight, he would say he was just joking to see my reactions, have intense sex with me and I used to come back to normal.
This had been repeating for quite some time. He remained a dominating lier throughout. He used to lie to me for each and everything. He never liked I asking him anything be it be hwere are you going or what did you have for lunch today or anything. When I ever came to know about this lies he would simply blame me for that saying "I didn't tell you the truth anticipating you would start fighting over that". That was no true. Most of the time I myself would counsel him. I used to counsel him for the happiness of the family and for the betterment of our relationship. I had always been a supporting wife and a caring mother. My husband was very jealous of my care for my son. He always maltreated my son.

He kept lying to me on several occasion specially when it was concerned with other people and my consent to deal with other people. My husband had always longed for my friend or, relative or my closest acquaintance o have sex with. He himself told me that.
I tried to counsel him for that. He told me I just lied to you just to see your reaction.
He always dominated and drove every step of the family be it be purchasing my longerie.
I always counselled him forgot the past and carried on.
In 2014 we decided that I would come to Australia to join my son and then slowly he would come and join us. As the visa is very expensive we could not afford to get visa for both of us. MY HUSBAND NEVER WORKED. I WORKED FULL TIME. HE STARTED A BUSINESS SINCE 2013 WHICH STARTED FLYING SINCE.
He fortunately paid for the visa which was initially lodged with the perception of my son paying for it.
As soon as I landed in Australia, I got a good job. My husband visited my every 2 months initially then stopped visiting for 5 months. he always give excuses of his work load.

Recently inspite of I repeatedly requesting him to stop the house maid(50 years) , he kept on lying to me he has stopped her but last month while talking to him over skype and the video on, I witnessed the house maid coming in. He forgot the video was on and when asked who is in the house , he kept on lying some one else has come and not the house maid. When I reminded hi of the skype video oj, he quickly turned the camera to other side and after a while the maid was gone.
I suspect my husband has sexual relation with this female ever since I left my country.My husband denies of that. I have no clue. Since he has always lied in the past, I have no trust in him. I don't know what to do.
I know of few facts that my husband has no emotion, no regrets, no guilt and he excuses himself before anyone blames him for anything. He is instead blaming me for his lie. He gets extremely annoyed if I question him regarding this episode. He says she never came to the house except that day when I saw her on video. My husband was avoiding me of having any sexual conversation with me for past 3 months and when he visited Australia in November for 1 and half months he was reluctant to have sex with me. My husband says I am lying. My husband recently asked me to make boyfriends and I was furious about that. I am totally blank now. I feel I am simply relating things to make my suspicion positive . Again at the next moment I have gut feeling he had relationship with the maid. I was having this gut feeling for past 2 months in this One and half year that I am living away from him Iin Australia.
My situation is I have a good job and earning good in Australia and my husband has a good business and earning in other country.
Please advise as what step should I take. I love my husband and can not think of any other man in life but I am ready to do what is best for me and my life.

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Jodi - posted on 02/21/2016

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This man does NOT love you, nor has he ever loved you. He has used and abused you. Are you waiting for him to kill you? Sorry, but this man does not deserve you in his life, and you should have left him years ago.

Time for a divorce. I'm assuming the children are grown up, so there won't be any custody issues involved? I am not sure of the legalities if you don't have Australian citizenship - it may be different. It's probably worth talking to a family lawyer who will know what to advise.

Michelle - posted on 02/21/2016

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He is abusive and doesn't love you at all. Being in 2 different countries gives you a great opportunity to leave him.
You need to start divorce proceedings and get your life back. Him telling you to find a boyfriend says that he also thinks this marriage is over.

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Sumi - posted on 02/22/2016

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Thanks for your advice and I was just trying to be sure of what I was thinking is right or wrong. Thanks again to all of you. I have only one son who is 30 yrs unmarried but working .

Raye - posted on 02/22/2016

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Divorce him. Sex is not the same as love. He doesn't love you, or at least not in a healthy way if he has abused you and cheated on you all this time. You need counseling to see that you deserve a better life than you have with him. You seem to be doing great on your own. You don't need him.

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