Stephanie - posted on 10/30/2011 ( 18 moms have responded )
My situation is unique. My husband raised his son with the help of the mother for only a year before she ran off and said she wanted to give up her parental rights. My husband is British. Bio mom is Spanish. My stepson is a world traveller.
Bio mom at one point offered to sign away her parental rights. She often didn't call the kid when she said she would. He'd rip up her letters. I always tried to help their relationship by making a collage of her photos for him, transcribing letters to her, and when he wouldn't talk to her he'd talk to me and ask me to repeat it to her on the phone.
The kid started making some rather alarming accusations against his mother. My husband and the kids teacher said they needed to tell the authorities. When my husband spoke to the bio mom she left the cafe crying and saying she was sorry. We took that a sign of some kind of misconduct.
It went to court and the British courts said since it was the kids word vs. hers that it was dropped. When that happened and the bio mom found out she could get benefits in England she moved from Spain and took custody.
My husband moved to the USA to be with me with the knowledge that we'd get the kid holidays and summers (after she was awarded joint custody). The kid talks about it all the time. He and I get on really well and skype one another, write letters, and things like that.
At one point before she had custody she had the kid for the weekend. My husband went to check on him and found the bio mom to be out and the kid to be being babysat by her then junkie boyfriend in a room full of drug paraphenilia. To say I don't have respect for this woman is an understatement.
Still I sent her a book on co-parenting and decided I'd have to move forward with what the judge said even though I know had it happened in this country doctors and shrinks would have at least been involved.
the kid recently had a big medical scare so my husband went to be with him through his surgery. A week prior I had told the kid all about his trip here, when he was coming, and explained about his fave thing to talk about Disneyland.
Sometime last year bio mom said she was broke. Hubby had no $ but I did so I sent it to her via paypal. She refused it and sent a nasty letter to boot saying I lied about her in my affidavit (which I didn't) and she "researched me" on the internet and "wasn't impressed" Later when I posted a tweet about a fundraiser for children of abuse she had her lawyers write my husband saying I was tweeting about her. I actually wasn't.
At any rate really long story a tad shorter when they were in England at the hospital the bio mom told my husband that as long as he is with me she will allow no visitation. I have no clue what to do. Especially when my stepson ask me why he now can't visit. I certainly don't want to lie to him. I'm questioning if I should simply say "when your mother is comfortable with it you can visit."
I feel so helpless. I love my stepson. I don't want to replace his mother at all. But sometimes I think I'd be doing my stepson a favor if I left my DH so he'd have to go back home.
I was previously a stepmother for 6 years, raised the kid full time. The bio mom loved me as I would defend her to my boyfriend at the time when he was being unfair. She and I did family meals once a week for the kid and I helped her every chance I got so I know it is possible. My mother and stepmother hated one another and I never want to put a kid through that.