How to deal with irrational bio mom

Stephanie - posted on 10/30/2011 ( 18 moms have responded )

7

0

0

My situation is unique. My husband raised his son with the help of the mother for only a year before she ran off and said she wanted to give up her parental rights. My husband is British. Bio mom is Spanish. My stepson is a world traveller.
Bio mom at one point offered to sign away her parental rights. She often didn't call the kid when she said she would. He'd rip up her letters. I always tried to help their relationship by making a collage of her photos for him, transcribing letters to her, and when he wouldn't talk to her he'd talk to me and ask me to repeat it to her on the phone.
The kid started making some rather alarming accusations against his mother. My husband and the kids teacher said they needed to tell the authorities. When my husband spoke to the bio mom she left the cafe crying and saying she was sorry. We took that a sign of some kind of misconduct.
It went to court and the British courts said since it was the kids word vs. hers that it was dropped. When that happened and the bio mom found out she could get benefits in England she moved from Spain and took custody.
My husband moved to the USA to be with me with the knowledge that we'd get the kid holidays and summers (after she was awarded joint custody). The kid talks about it all the time. He and I get on really well and skype one another, write letters, and things like that.
At one point before she had custody she had the kid for the weekend. My husband went to check on him and found the bio mom to be out and the kid to be being babysat by her then junkie boyfriend in a room full of drug paraphenilia. To say I don't have respect for this woman is an understatement.
Still I sent her a book on co-parenting and decided I'd have to move forward with what the judge said even though I know had it happened in this country doctors and shrinks would have at least been involved.
the kid recently had a big medical scare so my husband went to be with him through his surgery. A week prior I had told the kid all about his trip here, when he was coming, and explained about his fave thing to talk about Disneyland.
Sometime last year bio mom said she was broke. Hubby had no $ but I did so I sent it to her via paypal. She refused it and sent a nasty letter to boot saying I lied about her in my affidavit (which I didn't) and she "researched me" on the internet and "wasn't impressed" Later when I posted a tweet about a fundraiser for children of abuse she had her lawyers write my husband saying I was tweeting about her. I actually wasn't.
At any rate really long story a tad shorter when they were in England at the hospital the bio mom told my husband that as long as he is with me she will allow no visitation. I have no clue what to do. Especially when my stepson ask me why he now can't visit. I certainly don't want to lie to him. I'm questioning if I should simply say "when your mother is comfortable with it you can visit."
I feel so helpless. I love my stepson. I don't want to replace his mother at all. But sometimes I think I'd be doing my stepson a favor if I left my DH so he'd have to go back home.
I was previously a stepmother for 6 years, raised the kid full time. The bio mom loved me as I would defend her to my boyfriend at the time when he was being unfair. She and I did family meals once a week for the kid and I helped her every chance I got so I know it is possible. My mother and stepmother hated one another and I never want to put a kid through that.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Louise - posted on 10/30/2011

5,429

69

2321

As an English woman I can tell you that your husband needs to stand up for his son and call the authorities. If there is drug paraphanlia in the house then that is an offence and can be used as neglect of a minor. That child is not safe so social services should be called to keep an eye on the welfare of the child. When I was reading this story it sprang to mind immediately that this woman is simply jealous of you as you have her ex and her son loves you. This is not a reason for you to step away from your partner. Believe me you will never have a relationship with this woman, in short, she hates you so much she is willing to make her son suffer to get you out the way. No. Stand up to her if she is living in England she can not ban visitation and she can be made via the court to let the father see the child. There is no reason not to he is a loving father. I am afraid you are going to have to play hard ball to get the best care for the child and the right to see the child. No trying to be friends hand this one over to the solicitors and get what is right and fair.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 10/30/2011

21,273

9

3058

I totally understand the financial strain it can put on a family...but it is either going to be that, or not see him. Or, how do you think your husband would really feel if he let his ex wife destroy his marriage? That can lead to resentment of you, his kids he is trying to see, and even more hostility to his ex. So really, your best option is to go back through the court system. Collect all the evidence against her, and speak to an American lawyer about your options. Maybe it can be over here. It sounds like your back is against the wall...but if you have custody rights, and it was done through the courts, then she has a legal responsibility to oblige. She would be technically breaking the law concerning the child.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 10/30/2011

21,273

9

3058

It sounds like he needs to petition for custody. Also, if she is not fulfilling visitation rights, that is something to present to the courts.

18 Comments

View replies by

Sarah - posted on 10/31/2011

56

20

0

Stephanie- I'm so sorry about your situation. I understand, to a degree, my husband doesn't like confrontation with or about his children, either. Now he has no relationship with his daughter and a tough one with his son. Beg him to fight, that little boy needs you both. Good luck.

Stephanie - posted on 10/31/2011

7

0

0

Like I said we really want to go to court but let me tell you. The child accused the mother of molestation. He told me, his grandmother, a family friend, and someone at school. When my husband questioned the mother she started crying and said she was sorry but later said she didn't mean she had done anything wrong.
The judge said since it was her word against the childs that he was not going to take it into consideration!!!! Can you see why I don't understand the court and/or worry about going back. I still can't believe it.
Now I don't think she is an actual child molester personally but I think she is naive and does inappropriate things and inappropriate touching. I know I don't have a kid but I don't think it is normal to kiss a kid on the penis while drying him off from a bath, which was one of the things he said she did.
I think she might be worried if he visits America and brings it up again that American law would handle it much differently quite possibly by taking any of her custody away.
She hates me because she says I lied in an affidavit about what the child said to me, but I didn't. She also says I made my husband lie but again I didn't. I think the reason the son said the things to me was because I was the first female around him full time in quite some time. The bio mom says no one else would have spoken up if I hadn't had done so first. The others who did speak up said they hadn't done so previously as she was out of his life at the time and it wasn't a worry. My husband had emails from her saying she didn't want a child, that she wanted to sign her rights away, and that she did live with a junkie but was unaware. She plays the stupid card a lot so I can't really tell if she is actually stupid or pretends to be. When we gave her an "out" about what the kid was saying but saying we felt she just didn't have proper boundaries and was naive she had her lawyer write a long diatribe about how she wasn't naive and was insulted that we'd say so.
Thanks for the idea about a fathers right group, that is a great idea. I also recently found out if she doesn't honor the custody agreement she can lose all the benefits she is currently receiving. I think if my husband tells her that she will lose those benefits that she may change her tune.
My other issue is that because her and my husband can't stand one another I thought I could handle those things for him as in a past relationship I did so and the bio mom and I loved one another but her and my ex couldn't say 2 sentences to one another without a fight. So having me handle kid issues/things with her directly made all our lives easier. Apparently in this instance the bio mom wants nothing to do with me. And while I completely disagree with the judge I have to honor what the court said.

Lynn - posted on 10/31/2011

162

6

2

My husband has a 23 year old and a 19 year old, and we went through child support and custody issues for 16 years. The best thing we ever did was contact a father's rights group that my husband found online. They were incredibly helpful, and well worth every penny! They told us we didn't need a lawyer (don't about international, though - we only dealt with CA laws). They told my husband what forms he needed to file, how to fill them out, and what to say to get the child support reduced to a reasonable payment (we have two kids we're supporting). I only wish we'd found them sooner- we paid way more money than we had to, for years until we found out how to fight it! Good luck!

Allison - posted on 10/31/2011

16

4

0

If she only has joint custody she legally can't NOT let him visit. Your husband has to take her to court. Either that, or let her manipulate you two. Those are really your only options, as I see it.

Cindy - posted on 10/30/2011

20

0

1

How old is he? I'm asking because I left home when I was 16 much to the horror of my father who had a problem with alcohol. My father called the police and told them to get me home but as I was in a safe place they were not able to do anything. I was staying with a friend, her mother very kindly had put me up. Seeing as I wanted to be there, had a roof over my head and was safe the law in the UK says that's fine.

If he he no where near 16 yet then I think - "when your mother is comfortable with it you can visit."

Is a great way of putting it. Don't give up. I wish you luck.

Cynthia - posted on 10/30/2011

900

34

76

this seems to me to be the dads problem and not
yours. i do know if my son could not visit because of my husband, he would be gone. at least as far as anyone could see. it is a hard place to be. idk what i would do either. i think if my step son was being miss treated and the only way to help him was to leave, i'd like to think i would do that... i do feel like saying, it wont be like this for long. idk how old the boy is but i do know childhood is so short. and if you are standing in the way of the boy knowing his dad then its simple. you must leave. or he needs to reason with his ex. the boy is the one to think about here not you or the biomom. this is a sad story all around. i'm afraid there is no easy answer or quick fix. good luck to you.

Stephanie - posted on 10/30/2011

7

0

0

I am much more of a fighter than my husband who avoids confrontations at all cost. I know that I need to let him figure this out but sometimes I feel like I'm more willing to fight for the kid than he is. I don't want the kid to hate me for taking his father away or for him not visiting. He is totally unaware of the previous court dates or authorities being involved. It was kept completely from him. I did email our British lawyer about getting a copy of the court ordered custody agreement and asked what we could do since Bio mom is now saying no visitation b/c she doesn't like me.
the most absurd part is that in the last year that she has had custody she has had 2 or 3 different live in boyfriends and we have absolutely no say in who she has in the house with the child yet she thinks she can tell my husband who he can and can't marry. We weren't even slightly affectionate in front of the child until we were engaged. I just can't imagine the revolving bedroom door his mother keeps. On top of that my mother-in-law use to hate her but now is nice so she can see her grandson whom she babysits for free all the time and on weekends. I don't care if you want to be a slut but wait until the kid is with grandma at least!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 10/30/2011

21,273

9

3058

Also, I hate to say it, but it really comes down to your husband, and how much HE wants to fight for his son. If he does not want to push ahead, he may have many regrets later on. But that is his choice as a father and an adult. He really needs to be the one to call the shots, but you can certainly research and present him with alternatives.....this will show how much you want his son with you both, and how much you love them both.

Stephanie - posted on 10/30/2011

7

0

0

We certainly have considered that. But we also have to take into account how court went last time, the cost associated with it, and getting over there to handle it in the courts system. Unfortunately the justice system there is SO different. I think if this had happened here all custody would have been stripped from her until a psychiatrist and a doctor cleared all accusations at least.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms