How to deal with manupulative step kids, with their father on their side.

Mosh - posted on 12/23/2014 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I have 3 step kids, staying with their mom, but visits now and then. 22 years old daughter who disrespect me and fiddle through my things when I am not around, until I told my husband I will not stand for it, and now she doesn't visit anymore. 2 boys aged 14 and 12, who are so manupulative. They have been so mean to me, and I just chose to ignor their behavior. Their father always turn a blind eye about their behavior. Last year they started attacking my 21 year old son, and that got to me. This year he decided he rather spend Christmast at my moms place rather than being with us and the 2 boys. When my son celebrated his 21st birthday he wanted us to buy him a playstation which I didn't approve because of the price. I discussed with my husband and we agreed. So I planned a mini party at a restaurant just for him and his friend since he didn't want a formal party. My mom wanted to do something for my son and he opted for a playstation. Recently my husband bought his sons the same playstation that we said my 21 year old son can't have but it's ok for his 14 year old. When I asked him about it, he said he was under pressure. He told me I can buy my son anything that I can afford if I want.

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Dove - posted on 12/23/2014

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Evelyn is right. Not one single person in this new family sounds like they want it to work for EVERYONE... so it never will. Unless everyone is willing to get together and work together (and seek counseling together)... you are stuck living the way things are now.

Ev - posted on 12/23/2014

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Okay, you gave up on both counts of enforcing rules and so did he because he did not back you on doing so. You gave up on trying to get to know them and you expect to be able to do it later? I hate to tell you this and burst your bubble but at 14 and 12 or even older you are not going to have the luck. You are in their lives the last few years and they have not taken to you. What makes you think they will now? They and you would have to want to change a lot drastically. I just do not see it happening. Neither you or he have put much effort into this blended family nor tried to get the kids on board either. You said you gave up on things and he does not seem to care if the kids treat you indifferently or not. You guys obviously did not think this through from day one. The only way you are going to succeed is if ALL OF YOU go to counseling and get the act together.

Mosh - posted on 12/23/2014

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The reason i suggested the councilling for him and the kids was i spoke to one Psychiatrist and thought the kids will open up if its just them at first. You are right Evelyn. I threw in the towel. When I tried enforcing the ground rules I was told the kids are still very young and I am troubling them. As for the trying harder to know them, I just gave up. Will try harder next time. Thanks

Ev - posted on 12/23/2014

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The counseling is for all of you not just him and kids. And the communication from this last post is not a good sort of communication. You said when the kids were gone it was fine but when they were there it was not fine. You said that you tried to do things with the kids and interacted but apparently you gave up on it instead of trying harder to find something that they liked and showed interest in that to get something going with them. Your man should have insisted the kids start to interact with you and as far as the rules they were definitely not enforced. So basically, my assessment is right. No adult is enforcing the house rules, no adult is consistent in doing what was agreed on in the first place and you were not consistent in keeping on trying to get the kids to do things with you so you could get to know them and become at the least a friend to them.

Mosh - posted on 12/23/2014

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We have been together for 3 years and married for a year now. The kids started visiting just before the marriage and all they were giving me was a silent treatment by then. We laid some ground rules before and they just choose to ignor them or always get pushed into doing some things, like helping out with un laying the table after dinner or the older one helping with dishes. Sometimes my husband asks, and asks until he stands up and assist me himself. We spoke on the budget for the kids gift last year, and was surprised when he just bought the playstation which is more that double our budget for gifts. I tried befriending them, tried doing things with them but they just prefers to stay in their room. The communication with my husband is ok when his kids are not around, it just becomes something else when they are around. I feel sometimes he feels guilty for not being with them and money is the only way he pleases them. And they know that and uses that fully. I suggested counciling for him and the kids and he refuses.

Ev - posted on 12/23/2014

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Okay, I have a few questions:

1) How long have you been with this man and married to him?
2) How long have you actually known the kids?
3) Have you ever tried to get along with these kids even the adult ones from his family?

First, I have this to say about the kids that are not adults: If you have not ever tried to befriend them and get to know them, how do you expect them to treat you the way you would like to be treated depending on how you treat them. I do not know how much time you spent with them but if you did not like them or acted like you did not they could pick up on that and would do the things that to you that they have done based on your body language, tone of voice, and actions.

Second, as to the adult child of his: She did not have a right to go through your stuff. She should have respected her father's home and been the polite guest she was supposed to be here. She is an adult and should know better.

Third, as to your son: He is an adult and asking you to buy him a Play Station for his birthday and not getting one based on a choice you and your husband made was fine. It has nothing to do with what is fair or not, he is an adult and can understand that its a lot of money for you to spend on him as an adult. The party with his friends was a good alternate choice. But your husband buying the same system for his two kids without discussing it with you was not fair as you do have a blended family and if it was not affordable before for your son it should not have been gotten for the two younger kids.

Fourth, COMMUNICATION IS NON-EXISTENT IN THIS RELATIONSHIP: You two should have sat down in the beginning and talked about how the rules of the house would be and how you would run this home. You two should have discussed how the kids would be treated as to gifts for birthdays, holidays and other things. They all should be treated the same. Ground rules for the adult children coming to visit should have been also discussed like what parts of the house they would be allowed into.

Ji - posted on 12/23/2014

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your husband sounds like an ass im sorry to say ...he is also pick his kids over yours which says a lot ....i feel for you

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