How to ease of hostility with BioMum?

Olga - posted on 12/05/2011 ( 38 moms have responded )

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I'm a stepmum and have been with my husband for 4 years, we have had proper access for about a year now. The BioMum absolutely hates me and blames me for everything. She's been in a very happy relationship with her partner for about 3 years. We all get on well with him. Where as she has never spoke to me to my face, only by phone to ask for my husband. She constantly gives me dirty looks when I'm present at change over, tells my husband that she's going to "smash my head in" etc. Absolute hostility. Worst part is that she bad mouths myself n my husband to/in front the child. He is 5yo, very wonderful boy who I love dearly and care for greatly. I have complete aknoledgment that she is his mother and I have no intentions of taking her place. Is there anything I can try to do to ease off such hostility? Maybe write a letter explaining where we stand. Altho my husband and his father have tried to talk sense into her, the bitterness she has is overwhelming.

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♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 12/07/2011

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Johana, I have a friend whose parents are divorced and she does call her step dad 'dad' and her bio dad 'Bruce'. This was her choice because her bio dad doesn't have a relationship with her and her step dad does. Her bio dad ditched my friend and her mom when my friend was still very little.

My older daughter sometimes calls my husband daddy instead of Lee because she has seen my husband more in the past 3 years than she's seen her own dad. Even though before June of this year we were across the country from eachother. Her father lives in GA and I now live in BC (I'm from NY) and he doesn't call her except on her birthday and then he only talks to her for about 10 minutes.

I think it's up to the kid what they want to call their step parents though, not the parents. And the parent who feels he or she is being replaced should look at their own relationship with their kid.

Jill - posted on 12/11/2011

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since your stepson is 5 years old, have you asked him what he thinks of how his mom talks about you? how does your stepson think about you? i know the feeling you're going through as i'm a stepmom too but the most important thing was how my stepchildren felt about me and the relationship we had together. when i found out that they didnt take what their mom said about anything to heart, made me feel much better knowing that they, too have their own feelings and that's what matters the most. you'd be surprised how smart young kids can be when they hear grown ups down-talk other grown ups. writing a letter would only fuel her fire so i'd stay away from that, stay away from her and dont let her get to you. what matters most is that your stepson, his father and you all have a great relationship together and that he feels loved and wanted when he's at your house.

"kill her with kindness" is another good attitude to have around your stepson. he's smart enough to know that his mom can talk bad about you but you keeping a good attitude around her and that he is the most important thing in your life. your stepson will see that not only her "talk" cant break you down, but her childishness is silly and he'll learn to ignore her when she banters about you. he knows what you're really like and that's what really matters most. hang in there.

Stifler's - posted on 12/09/2011

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I agree with Beth if she's focusing on you so much she cant'be all that happy.

Hayley - posted on 12/08/2011

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It's probably because he chose to marry you and not her. I read your post that explained the tumultuous start and end of their 'relationship'. Some women are jealous creatures, as another poster said. It sounds like, even though she's been in her own relationship for a while, she still cranky that her 'one that got away' chose you to marry and keep in his life instead of her. Be civil, be polite, be kind about his mother in front of little one and keep your distance. Anything you do or say won't actually be listened too, it sounds like she's only listening to her own anger. Until she learns to deal with whatever's going on in her head/heart/emotions, she won't be able to come to the table with any level of civility. Good luck and Merry Christmas!!

Kristy - posted on 12/07/2011

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I am also a stepmom, except my husband has full custody of his daughter and her mother has very little visitation. So I am basically her fulltime caregiver. I think writing a letter is a wonderful idea if you are well-writte. However, if you are not, it may not be. Proof-read ALOT. However, like my step-daughters mother, this woman may not be easy to reason with. Also, if she is threatening you, that is grounds for an arrest. I knwo you may not want to take it that far, but make sure you at least notate it in case oyur husband ever wants to go back to court for more custody of the child. No child should be in a violent enviornment and I would consider going back to court for that reason

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Kyleigh - posted on 12/11/2011

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The best thing I would do is continue focusing on being a good step parent. Let people like that be childish, selfish and its clear that she is unhappy with herself. Just keep it civil as you been doing! :)

Jodi - posted on 12/11/2011

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I agree, the best thing to do is what you are already doing... be the best stepmom you can be, care for your stepson and your husband, and be as nice as you can be about biomom. Eventually your stepson will form his own opinions based on your behavior, not based on what she says about you. The difficult part is that you may not see the results of your efforts for years, but isn't that true of all parenting?

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 12/09/2011

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I can't really offer much advice for dealing with the bio mom since I am the bio mom and I've had to deal with a nut job of a step mom.

I just steer clear of my ex's wife and try my best not to have to speak with her. The only times I have spoken with her is when my daughter was down in GA last year visiting them and I wanted to call and tell her she was going to have a new sister. And I missed her because she was away for 2 weeks!

Beth - posted on 12/09/2011

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i may dispute she is in a very happy relationship or she would not have that attitude towards u..just syaing???...">

Beth - posted on 12/09/2011

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being nice is nice..but at some point they have to be held accountable for thier behavior and should not be aloud to take everyone hostage... ask her if she would like to work it out without the courts involvment and see what she says otherwise u have to take it to the big guy at the top, tell him what u need and ask with pure motives for him /her (God)to bring some resolution to this issue that will serve all of u..im older and would not put up with that at this age and maybe not even when i was younger but hindsight is 20/20..u could learn from others that have treaded this road before u...hope it works out..merry christmas and bless u...">

Beth - posted on 12/08/2011

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the people that r hard to deal with r usually spiritually lacking and so u cant fight that...put it in the creators hands ..he knows how to deal if asked...">

Maree - posted on 12/08/2011

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I agree with Caran,but because i had a good experience with a letter from my sons step mum and a half good half bad one from my step sons bio mum...i am still all for the letter writing thing. I think it's worth a try but i don't really know who you are dealing with so it's hard to say whether it's likely to work

Caran - posted on 12/08/2011

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Writing a letter can go either way. She may hate you even more for being nice when she really just wants to hate you or it may address her fears and help her see you are not the evil stepmother she has you made out to be in her mind. If she chooses to continue to speak ill of you, don't take it personally. It is her issue and your only job as a stepmum is to make sure that you treat your husband and his children with the same respect you would want for yourself. You can't combat her negative comments towards you with the same, only through your actions will your stepson understand that what his mom says is or isn't true. And you may not see positive results from him until he is a teenager and sees that everything his mom has ever said just isn't true.

Maree - posted on 12/07/2011

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Megan,sounds awful...and happens way too much.
Just to clarify as my post was a little confusing...I absolutely love my sons step mum,always have!!!!
It's my step sons Bio mum that i can't stand.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 12/07/2011

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Kel, your son's bio mom sounds like my daughter's step mom. That woman sent me 2 nasty emails after my grandma had died trying to get me to feel sorry for her because her dad had left her when she was 2. Then telling me that it was my fault my ex cheated. She also had on her myspace about how I was evil and turning my daughter against her.



However she and my ex never brought in any emails I'd sent because I'd sent nothing to them about anything except what reguarded my daughter. Except for the one where I told her I was glad she was trying, but now wasn't a good time. My lawyer had each and every one of their emails, plus their myspace accounts and every vile thing they'd said about me, my lawyer and the judge (smart people I tell you!) I won sole custody and sole guardianship and I have remarried. My ex is still saying that the judge was fooled, which is part of why I won sole custody and the permission from the judge to move to BC



ETA: You all should've read the bull shit email she sent when she found out I'd gotten engaged. I think she felt she could finally put her mind to rest that I didn't want my ex back.

Jodi - posted on 12/07/2011

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And that just illustrates my point. You send a conciliatory letter, you try to cooperate, and she uses it against you. It doesn't help the situation, and it only ends up making things worse.

I have great empathy for how difficult it must be to watch your children go and be a "family" with another woman in the position of "mom." I've always tried to respect that, and I would never try to take her place. I had hoped to build my own relationship with my stepsons... I had a wonderful relationship with my stepdad that never interfered with how I felt about my dad. Unfortunately, as I said before, you can't control the behavior of another person, no matter how unreasonable. It isn't worth the loss of your sanity to try.

Maree - posted on 12/07/2011

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As i said before,my sons step mum wrote me a letter and it really helped....so much so,that i wrote a letter to my husbands ex several years later in hopes it would break the ice a bit.

It worked to a point. She wrote a nice note back to me,thanking me for saying that i will always care for her son..and for understanding how she feels.

Then......she proceeded to say that i needed to tell my husband that he must do as she wants otherwise she will drag him through court and our relationship as well as the relationship with his son would be over.

That was the end to us being civil. I told her i will not TELL him anything. This is his child...not mine,he will decide what he wants to happen with his son...that she has no right to tell me what to do or to tell me that i have been doing the wrong thing by MY son(as if she knows anything about me or my son)

Then she did drag us through court,took bits and pieces of the letters (emails) i had written so they were all broken up(she put in every bit that sounded not so good).
If they were read all together they were totally fine but broken up i couldn't believe how she made me look...needless to say,she did not include a single one of her emails to me in her paperwork....nor did she put any of the emails where i told her how i understand how she feels and that i care about her child!!!

It was terrible and i will never forgive her for being such a nasty horrible bitch...the jealous cow needs to grow up and realize that her son has a right to have a family with us. Just cause when he is with her...all he has is her...there is no reason for her to act like a jealous moron. With us he has a large extended family which he loves and she is pissed off about it,even refuses to let him come to parties.

Sorry to sound harsh but i am so frustrated with her apparent lack of concern for her child...it's infuriating. I really understand why some dads end up backing off and giving up.....I don't recommend it but i sure understand it

Maria - posted on 12/07/2011

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I'm a stepmom too (verry hard job). My husband has 3 daughter from his previous marrige. They live with us and visit their mom 6 weeks in the Summer and every other Christmas. She hates me as well, so I have tried everything and the best thing to do is ignore her and don't speak to her at all.

Rachel - posted on 12/07/2011

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Johana- I did not make the children call me mother. They were at a very young age and asked if I was. I told them no but I loved them very much. After that day it was them that had decided to call me their mother since I was the one to care for them daily.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 12/07/2011

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As a bio mom in a situation like that with my older daughter's step mom the best thing you can do is just steer clear of her. There is no reasoning with some people and sadly she does seem like one of those people. One thing you can do is be the best step mom to your step son. If she is bad mouthing you to your step son you could bring that up at a custody hearing (at least you could in the US).

My ex's wife was absolutely horrid to me and would send me nasty emails about how she should raise my daughter because I don't have enough experiance to be a mom. She was an absolute shrew! And I don't even know why because she was the 'other woman' before the divorce and my ex left me for her so what did she have to be nasty about. The best way to deal with her type is to be nice and cordial. It scares the crap out of them.

Johana - posted on 12/07/2011

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Well, I'll be the first to say that my ex is in a relationship with another woman and I don't like her. My ex lives in CA and I live in MO. We have one child together and he really hasn't been there for her. I don't like the thought of a step mother and me and my ex agreed that regardess on what happens with us that we would never have our kids call or other partner mom or dad. I have stuck to that but she thinks my daughter should call her mom just because they are married. I think most women don't like that another woman is stepping in and has a say so on a child that isn't theirs. So what I would say to you is talk to this woman and see if she is offended by the fact that you have her child calling you mom. It could be as simple as that. Women are very emotional creatures and that is something that you need to take into consideration. I'm not saying it is ok but when you love someone and have a child with them regardless of the out come of that relationship you will always have some form of love for them and be hurt that they would rather be with someone else to help raise the child you guys have together.

Rachel - posted on 12/07/2011

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I have a similar situation. My husband's ex wife walked out on them leaving the two children with him. We met 3 years ago. I've been the mother figure for the last 3 years while she was absent from their lives. She has gained more visitation with them in the last year to year and a half, this being every other weekend and some holiday time. While they are with her she tells them mean and hurtful things about myself which aren't true and they are hurting my babies. I have thought about the letter as well but I don't believe it will help! The comments seem to never stop and we try our best not to bad mouth her in front of the children. It's sad to see the pain and hurt my children have to go through while visiting with her when she talks badly about myself and my husband.

Jodi - posted on 12/07/2011

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Unfortunately, I think it boils down to insecurity... she feels threatened. The sad part is, she probably doesn't even know why, so she lashes out. It isn't a reflection of you or anyone else, it's her own issue. There is NOTHING you can do to change it! It's hard, but it's best to just recognize that and move on. I'm a people pleaser, and it's very difficult to come to terms with the fact that someone hates me. But, it's also not worth the loss of my sanity to focus on it and try to change someone else, because that is never gonna happen! It's a shame really, all you can do is feel sorry for her. Must be hard to live with that kind of poison in your heart.

Michelle - posted on 12/07/2011

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Some women feel in continual competition with others. It happens both directions, my ex's gf threw me dagger looks whenever I dropped off or picked up my daughter for visits with him - we'd been apart 4 years at the time and I in no way wanted him back but the fact that I had at one time been with him was enough for her to hate me. And heaven forbid I had to talk to him regarding our daughter - she'd literally stand in the doorway staring at me. Ugh, I was happy that relationship didn't last long. He's had other gfs but none like that one.

Jodi - posted on 12/07/2011

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I have a similar situation... My husband's ex hates me, despite the fact that I've never been less than civil to her. They split up almost 6 years ago, and I met him 3 years ago, so I played no part in their breakup. The hostility escalated around the time I became pregnant with our 1st child, a little over a year ago. She has always bad-mouthed my husband to the boys, but lately she has decided that I'm the root of all of their problems. She is confrontational, has sent me nasty texts, and just caused a lot of stress in our lives. Any kind of civil communication is twisted and used as further reason to hate me. I've found the best way to deal with it is to remove myself as much as possible. I will always care for the boys, and hopefully as they grow they will see the truth of the situation and understand that they can love their dad, and even me, without it affecting how they feel about their mom. I NEVER say anything bad about their mom in front of them, although I do occasionally defend their dad when they tell me stuff she has said about him. As long as I keep a low profile, she doesn't have too much she can say about me. It's sad, because the only real damage she is doing is to her children. But there is nothing you can really do to change how she feels about you, so it's best not to "poke the bear", for the sake of the children. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to just live your life and be happy, and not let her get to you. I'm still working on that myself. Good luck to you!

Mommy - posted on 12/07/2011

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My husband's ex wife is the devil...literally, I think she is satan on earth. She tells her daughter horrible things about both of us, has a disgusting mouth, cursing like a sailor in front of her kid all the time, and keeps my husband from visits often. On a recent trip back to her mom's, my SD told my husband "mommy leaves the house when she knows you are coming so you can't pick me up." BTW, the kid is 6. I tried ignoring his ex, going back at her when she would talk shit, I tried being super nice...I tried it all. I finally just realized this is what it is, and it is not going to change. It really sucks, but I can't make her a decent human being. In fact, when her grandma died I sent her a condolence card reading "I know we don't get along, but I am very sorry for your loss, and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time." She called my husband up to complain about the card, bc apparently offering concoldences is an insult these days.

Heidi - posted on 12/07/2011

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Unfortunately, there may not be anything you can do and if you write a letter to her, you might provoke her further. All you can really do is be pleasant and continue fostering good relations with her as best you can.
When I was in a similar situation with an ex boyfriend who has 3 beautiful kids and his ex wife was crazy. But her hostility towards me changed after an incident where she was on a rage and tried taking the kids out of our home and I had just gotten home from the hospital after having surgery and my boyfriend (her ex hubby) had gone to the convenience store real quick. Even though I wasnt strong enough I told her that she couldn't take the kids out of the house in her state of mind because she was bound to get in an accident. At the time she spouted off many verbal insults but a week later she called and apologized and thanked me for standing my ground for the safety of her kids. She wasn't nearly so horrid afterwards.
Good luck to you.

Beth - posted on 12/07/2011

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the only thing u can do is let go with love and pray, let god sort her out..if that doesnt work tell her she is not acting in the best interest of the child and maybe u will apply for full custody (ur husband and u)..ask her why? is she still in love with him?? she may need to be shocked into working this out for the child...sounds like she needs to grow up some to me a parent always puts the child s needs before their own...just saying

Olga - posted on 12/06/2011

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Thank you everyone for your responses, it really helps reading all of your advise.
I think I will write a letter, Thanks Lindsay. It least if it doesn't help, it wont affect my husband seeing his child as there are orders in place. Although she may have her son's best interest at heart, she is driven by her emotions.

Lindsay - posted on 12/06/2011

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I had a very similar situation with my husband, step-daughter & his ex. I wrote her a letter explaining to her how I only wanted the best for my step-daughter & also gave her a little background on myself, because she knew nothing about me. I grew up with a step mother that hated my mother & there was always tension. I explained that I wanted us all to get along for the sake of my step-daughter. We are not best friends by any means, but we do get along great & we respect each other. I think that any effort to better the situation is worth it, worse case scenario nothing changes, but at least you tried.

Danielle - posted on 12/06/2011

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Maybe it is time for your husband to step in, get him to sit down with her and try to work out why the bad feelings towards u r there. If he can get thru to her that u don't want to be her best friend or her son's mother, you understand your place as a stepmother, and simply want her to accept that you are in her son's life for better or worse, it may help. All you want off her is for the anger to stop especially in front of the boy, hopefully she will come around. It is likely to be fear or feeling threatened by another woman's prescence in the boy's life but it needs to be sorted out - or kept away from the boy. He does not need to see it. Good luck to u, i know it is not an easy situation to be in but stay strong and positive and i agree with other posts - don't ever badmouth her to ANYONE, u never know who knows who!

Olga - posted on 12/06/2011

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Emma Nielson - I have not done anything to her other then being the other woman.
They were seeing each other for a very short time before she got pregnant, she was 17 n he was 22. They always fought, and had a really bad relationship. They broke up numerous times. When my husband and I met they've been broken up for a month or so, where she had kicked him out.

Cassie - posted on 12/06/2011

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Stop trying so hard. just be a good person and always..(always) respectful. Never (Never) say a bad word about his mother, or allow anyone else to around you. Treat that little boy like a loving mother should. Time will heal all wounds. It will be OK... oh..... one more thing.......(PRAY)..

Maree - posted on 12/06/2011

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Also,i know this sounds terrible but are you attractive? Is she unnatractive?

Are you younger and slimmer than her?

I took a big risk saying that but it would be so hard to lose your husband after having his child,maybe putting on lots of weight and looking old....to someone young and fresh !!!!

My husbands ex was like that with me...i don't know if it's why or not but she is very overweight and sorry to say but awful looking. I don't want to look like i love myself but i'm always told i look 16 and am very small. She was completely furious with me even before i met her and she had been apart from my husband for 6 years so i don't know why she was so angry.

Maree - posted on 12/06/2011

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It happens a lot. Women may not want the man but don't want anyone else to have him either. They don't want him to move on and maybe have a new family...women are jealous creatures!!!! (not all of course)

She may be angry if the husband left her,fell out of love with her,left her with no money or job etc...that could definately create some anger toward the new woman who he may be supporting financially and even children that are not his !

I can imagine it would be very hard if you were not ready for the break up,or even if you were...she once loved this man and has his child so there will always be some type of feelings of jealousy.

Thats why if you can break the ice and even get her to trust you,you will all be better off...especially your step child.

[deleted account]

Did you have an affair with her husband? Is that how he became your husband?

I'm not sure where this rage comes from.

Maree - posted on 12/05/2011

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I never disliked my exes wife but i felt a little uncomfortable ..... She wrote me a letter the first xmas they were together which made me feel good about her being around my son..
We are great friends now,she and her daughter were in my wedding and we go to eachothers houses,parties and are so close so i think writing a letter is a wonderful idea.

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