How to get out of an 18 year marriage

[deleted account] ( 32 moms have responded )

I have been married 18 years to my husband.Ever since we moved to Texas,4 years ago,we have been fighting and arguing.He has even hit me and pushed me,calling me names in front of our children who are going on 16 and 17.My daughter who is going on 17 will not speak to her father because of the way he treats me.My son who is going on 16 doesn't agree with what my husband does,but they play video games together for hours.I have no family or friends here because he moved us from them 4 years ago.I don't work outside the house,so basically I am stuck.I have been to a counselor and talked about going to the Battered Women's Shelter.She said they could help me leave and find an apartment,etc.I am just too nervous to go and the apartment which are in good neighborhoods are expensive.He has been working in a job at a prison in the kitchen.He complains about everything I do.Like for instance he has been cooking for the whole 18 years of marriage,and since he has been working in this job more,he tells me that I need to cook.I'm like why all of sudden do I need to cook,because you are working in a kitchen???Anyways,our marriage is over but my kids are starting 11th grade and I don't want to mess up their schooling.He makes me feel bad about myself and unwanted.I really don't have anyone to turn too about my situation.I'm afraid to make that step to go to the Battered Women's Shelter.I chickened out on going over a month ago.I don't have money for a lawyer but I would love to get divorced from him.Then,he tells me that it has been 18 years of hell being married to me,which is a lie.We didn't start having fights until 4 years ago.Anyways,any feedback is greatly appreciated.

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Cheri - posted on 08/04/2011

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First you don't deserve that NO matter what!! And NO matter what the kids don't need to be in the middle of it.. If you're not happy leave, if you keep staying you're going to make yourself even more miserable.. If you and the kids move they will adjust I promise!! My sons dad tried to use that on me when I left him.. If I'm miserable in a relationship that's my fault for the most but I'd rather be miserable being single that torture myself, my kids and him.. And I haven't read what anyone else has said but I'm speaking from experience and I've grown to not deal with dumb crap from anyone.. Sometimes you just have to step up to the plate and swing that bat!! And the next time he touches you, call the cops so that there is a report.. Texas does not put up with domestic violence..

JuLeah - posted on 08/03/2011

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Well this won't just get better. It will get worse. Domestic violence ALWAYS gets worse. ALWAYS

Right now you children are learning how to be husbands and wives. They are learning to beat and be beaten. Kids don't do what you say, they do what you do.

The 11th grade is not as important as your safety and theirs. How are they going to learn and enjoy this year anyway when dealing with this at home?

Make sure you have all needed documents in a safe place and you can grab them easily. Birth records, school records, marriage records .... if you can sock some money away where he can't find it. Put clean clothes in a laundry bag. It will look like a bunch of dirty clothes, but be there for you to grab fast if you need to get out fast.

Talk with your neighbors. There is a reason he seperated you from community. He is safer to to as he wishes if you are alone.

Know that the first two weeks after you leave are dangrous.

Know that most women, and I mean 1 out of three relationships, take a beating, go back to him, take a beating ... 8 times or better before they finally walk away for good.

You leave, he promises it will never happen again. You come back, he is sweet. The name calling starts, the put downs, the subtle simmering anger ... the complaints, the out bursts ... and then he hits you again. Really, women typically walk through this 8 times of better. Not becuase we are dumb or lack education, but becuase we have such hope that things can/might really change. They won't, but you can

Yes, he puts you down, insults you, calls you names, bullies you ... but no can make you feel bad about yourself without your consent.

He has taken a lot of power from you. It is time to take it back.

You will know when the time is right. When it is time for action, you will know what to do. Men like this never choose weak or stupid women, becuase such women would not be able to surive them for long, They choose strong smart women and spend years knocking them down until they forget how strong and smart they really are. When the time comes, you will remember and know what to do

Linda - posted on 08/03/2011

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I'm sorry. If he is hitting you, you need to leave ASAP. Was that a one-time deal, or does it happen all the time? You need to make it clear, if it ever happens again, you are out of there--that day--and then follow through. As much as it might mess up your kids to move, it will mess them up more to see you being hit.

Is there any way you could go to counseling? If you didn't have fights until about 4 years ago, was it relatively happy before then? Also, if you are home all day, why don't you want to cook? I'm not judging you--it just seems like it would be more logical. If you really feel you need to leave, you should be thinking about getting a job--or getting training so you could get a job. I know that sounds scary but you can do it! Above all, I would take your problems to God, the great problem-solver.

Jackie - posted on 08/04/2011

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Do not stay in an unhappy marriage for your kid's sake. My Mom stayed married to my Dad until I got married at the age of 24. Shortly after she filed for divorce. As an adult, it was very difficult for me to see my parents divorce when they seemed happy, never fought, argued, etc...never.... and then to realize that my Mom wasn't happy for years & had remained married until I grew up, went to college then got married was EXTREMELY hard on me. I felt a sense of guilt. There is never a good time for a divorce, no matter what age your children are but life is too short not to be happy & safe! Your children may not understand at first but they will later and may even thank you!!

Ashley - posted on 08/04/2011

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GET OUT NOW! my mom was a battered and emotionally abused woman. we snuck out of the house while he was at work and went to a womans shelter. my mom had no education, no job, and no money, and no family help. she did what she had to do for us and i thank her every day for it. now decades down the road my mom is happily married (to a great guy) and has a great job as a nurse. things look bleak now, but over time it will only get better and easier. i'll be praying for strength for you.

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Jodi - posted on 08/04/2011

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I am going to lock this thread as the OP has deactivated her account, so advice won't be reaching her anyway. However, if she does decide to return, the OP is welcome to unlock this conversation should she wish. Thank you for your input ladies.

Jodi Adams
WtCoM Moderator

Tikisha - posted on 08/04/2011

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Ashley ur words r truly a blessing from God its well said praying is da best and hes alwayz on time!

Gudrun - posted on 08/04/2011

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Do not stay. First you have to determine what you want to do with your life! Then make a list. Start with stashing money. Get your education and resume in order. GO to the courthouse. You can get a list of Pro bono lawyers from them. They are free lawyers or Paralegal who need the practice and can give you advice what to do. Write everything down. whatever he says or does to you write it down. Make pictures. Go to a doctor. Do not rely on your family or children. You have to be on your own feet. He has to pay for the children and you till you find a job. Because you supported him by staying at home. If you have been out of work for more then 10 years then there is a program that will help you with tuition if you are in need of an education. Till you get that done you can receive welfare. It is hard and it will be a lot of stress. But you can do it. If you can take all the crap from him and raise children then you are a strong woman. Strong enough to make it on your own. Make a better life for you and your children. You can do it!!!!!

Tikisha - posted on 08/04/2011

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I was n my relationsship for 22 years and I got hurt n da end its ok to move on especially wen ders unhappiness bcause then it goes to a level of cheating which is not good at all pray on it but God knows watz best for u if u done tried everything and hes still complaining it gets no better I wish u all the best with this issue!

Tonya - posted on 08/04/2011

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Don't let a man determine your worth! If you are being belittled and abused-no time is to soon to get out! Your life should be of the utmost importance-you are not living if he is making you feel this way. Make today the first day of the rest of YOUR life. Your children may be afraid and unhappy as well. Children should not be around negativity! Pray and get help ASAP!!

Cheri - posted on 08/04/2011

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Oh and one other thing.. God does not give you anything that you can not handle.. And praying will get you through..

Wolfen4 - posted on 08/04/2011

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dont start anything with anyone until this is over and taken care off. Either you leave and take a breather on your own before starting a new relationship or stay and make it work. Its important to think of the kids, but also what lesson are you teaching them by staying? And are you willing to stay miserable for the next 4 years for them ?

Melissa - posted on 08/04/2011

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Maybe talk to your family from where you moved to and see if they can support you in a move back there, even if it means, loaning you the $ and paying them back once you find a job and get back on your feet. Even if it's a slow repayment, but see what you can do, and taking your kids with you. That way you can also get back on your feet, it's familiar for your kids, but with that, your husband knows where you are, battered women's shelter he doesn't, and that will usually work with No income and no expectations of repayment, and will get you to the point of getting you on your feet and no worries about kidnapping charges, or anything like that with just taking off either. Maybe go to legal aid and ask them all legal aspects of ALL options i suggested. Going to the battered women's shelter sounds like the best option even for your kids because they aren't even happy with your husband if they won't talk to him, get them help too!

Jill - posted on 08/04/2011

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I'm sorry you feel alone, that's not a good feeling. The fact is, you have the ability to become stronger, you just need to decide to. It won't be easy but discipline yourself to improve each day. Perhaps find a job outside the house for starters, join a gym, get connected in an organization (church, neighborhood etc....) make friends. The more you improve yourself the more courage you will have to leave your marriage, if indeed that is what you want. Remember one thing, Don't wait for someone to change your situation when YOU have the ability to do it yourself. Behave your way out of this..... you can, you just have to decide that staying where you are is more painful than change itself, the rest will come. Good luck!
Jill

Nicola - posted on 08/04/2011

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Personally i ould have left the second he hit me with thte kids even if they had been asleep at the time. I would have gone back to my friends and family and changed the kids schools back to there old one before you moved. If you have your own money from being a veteran you have to go nike and just do it. Your a veteran remember the courage you needed when you where in the armed forces and use it its always scary goign out on your own but you need to protect yourself and your children from a bad environment.

Michelle - posted on 08/04/2011

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Absolutely awful you have to put up with being treated this way. Leaving is the scariest thing you will ever do. You owe it to yourself and the children to leave. The shelter will have people who can guide you through the process of how to leave and get a divorce. They are there to help and not judge. If there is anything you need they will help you as much as possible and will direct you to others who are willing to help. You will be amazed at how much better you will feel once you take the leap. I know it is scary but you will not regret it. No one deserves to be hit and children don't deserve to witness it either. When you leave it will be hard for a few days, took me almost a week, it's very scary doing something you've never done before. After the initial shock you will feel so much better. I can't even explain how much better it feels to know there are people who actually care about you. You will find people at the shelter do care, and are there as a support. When we are treated badly by the people we thought cared we forget what it feels like when someone actually does. Best of wishes. You will make the right choice for you, no matter what it is, only you know what is best for you.

ReBecca - posted on 08/04/2011

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My apologizes on so many spelling errors! I need to fix 1 important error. The FB EX Boyfriend is the WORST IDEA!!!!

ReBecca - posted on 08/04/2011

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I am very sort to hear your story! No one should need to live like that! However, I also have a few questions. Yes some apartments are expensive so look somewhere near for less money. Then later you say you bring in a lot of money alone & can post for everything. Doesn't seem right to me. You just seem to make a few contradicting statements. Your son does think his fathers behavior is wrong but he still has a relationship with him, as should your daughter! What difference does it make he works at a prison? Hes a cook, he cooks! Is it because working in a prison is tougher, stressful? If so, I myself worked as a correctional officer for over a decade, doesn't give me a right to abuse my husband! You already realize your marriage is over, are you just questing yourself? Be strong! If you teasly are being abused in any sort of way leave! I think the superset thing is the ex boyfriend!!! Is it possible your martial problems stem somewhat from the feelings you sparked up with him? Its just a thought? Contributing factor?

I'm not trying to bash you, put you down, be a bitch, etc, etc... You would give the same reasoning to another woman who asked this question -TO LEAVE! I'm all for working it out but not after you have been hit!

Best wishes in what ever you you decide to do! It would be nice to hear back from you!

Trish - posted on 08/04/2011

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It is difficult to leave, I know. I left a marriage after 21 years because of mental abuse. I think what you have to do is ask yourself what you are teaching your children by staying. Do you want your daughter to accept an abusive relationship? Do you want your son to become an abuser? The first thing I would do is get a job so that you can support yourself. You do realize that if you divorce him, he has to pay child support. so you will have some income. Let the Battered Women's Shelter help you. Never be ashamed. No matter what you do, he has no right to hit you or belittle you. And none of this is your fault.

Shelley - posted on 08/04/2011

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Write down anytimes he hits and you pushes you take photos as evidence if you need to. Save money stash it, hide it so he cant find it and then go to the police it is abuse and by law he is not allowed to lay a finger on you.
Stop making excuses about your kids it will be messing them up more the longer you stay get them and yourself out as soon as possible. Contact your family ask them to help. But the main thing is DO NOT chicken out.

Dawn - posted on 08/04/2011

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I agree with Juleah. Also if you think you want to work it than move out and go to counseling. He could really hurt you very badly the next time he hits you. Your self esteem is plummeting and your children are learning how to be in a very disfunctional relationship. You are not doing them any favors by keeping things stable for them.

THERESA - posted on 08/04/2011

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My name is Theresa, + I am disabled because I have M.S.
I've been married to my husband since 1989. He is now stand-offish + I feel like I'm in the way!
I have 3 adult children >but don't know what I should do NOW.

Vanessa - posted on 08/04/2011

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Abuse is not ok in ny way shape or form. I would ask my family for help & move back to the state you were in prior to the move 4 years ago. I would get as far away from him as possible. If you do not want to move out of state there are organizations out there to help you start a new life with a new place to live. He has got away with treating you like s**t that is why he continues to do it. That is your fault too. Monay is power & since it sounds like you do not have an income then you will need help. If you can't or won't take the mistreatment then it's time to get out 7 it sounds liek te sooner the better.

Alisa - posted on 08/04/2011

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the ex-boyfriend from FB is a complication and should be avoided. and how on earth can you be talking marriage with someone else so soon and while you're in the middle of this mess? really?

if you can afford to support yourself and two kids, then do so and live separately. if you have any doubts about whether the relationship is over or not, go to counseling with your husband. there is never an excuse for domestic violence and would be a deal breaker for me personally. if the children are so close to graduating, then stay just a little while for them. then you can move back to family and friends and start over.

everything is scary, but a peaceful home is worth the risk.

Angela - posted on 08/04/2011

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Well I have not seen her Robin, this thread just seemed to die, but I am so happy you got out and your children safely!

I had an ex bf beat on me... at the time their was no room in the shelters so I had to leave with the clothes (2 kids) on our backs and get on a greyhound bus to go stay with a friend a few states away... He broke into my apartment destroyed all my stuff and we had nothing when we came back for our stuff, I could not prove he did it, and he had a key.

I don't regret leaving only that my girls remember when the bad man ruined all their stuff... and that was horrible for them. But I was broke and yes I did move away where he could not find me and it was worth it!

I was just wondering from her post what was going on it seemed unclear to me.

But as I stated if you are in danger leave leave leave leave, take your kids and leave! No of days their is more help than when I was younger

Robin - posted on 08/04/2011

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I think you have to be very stong for your kids they need you more now then ever. I was with my ex-husband for five years and we have two girls together. I am so glad that I left when I did.
I kept thinking it might get better but it only got worse. He used to hit me push me around and call me names everday. My girls where young so that made it easy for me to take them and leave. I went to a wemen's shelter and they helped me get a order of pertection from him and they helped me get full custudy of my girl too. I am now remarried and I am so thankful that I left when I did. He is still the same person in prison becase he beet up his new wife and held her captive in the house for four days then kidnapped her and treid to kill her three times all during that time. It was the best thing I have ever done and my girls are so much more happy. I hope everything works out for you and your kids.

Angela - posted on 08/03/2011

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I think if he only hit you once and you can stop arguments in front of the children, I would stay until the kids were out of school. It is only a couple years right? But if you two can not stop arguing and fighting in front of the children you should get go to counseling, and or divorce.

On one had you say you worry about money and then you say you don't have money worries. So I do not understand why you would need to go to a shelter? If you leave the house your husband can file a divorce under abandonment...If you can't afford an attorney wait it out and save some money.

I would not be getting involved with anyone at this time, it just is bad judgment! How can you work on your marriage if you are FB with you ex bf? If you really think the marriage is over divorce but it does not sound that way. You are questioning yourself.

I know how you feel about leaving family, friends etc.... being alone. I did that when I moved from the USA to The Netherlands, got married and had a baby! I could not even speak the language! I got depressed as hell! I had moments when I just wanted to leave to go back to the states but I am so glad I did not. My husband and I are working out things and this is my home now.

I had to really make an effort to make new friends etc but I did it.

I have to say I had to make a new life and make myself feel at home my husband or anyone else could not do it for me. At time I resented him for it, that did not help our marriage! We argued too.

Making new friends as adults is hard, it is kind of like dating you will meet people that you just don't connect with and over time you will meet some you do and you will even at some point have a best friend or two.

I used the Internet to meet some people but the people I am really connected with now I did not meet on the Internet .

Take a class or join a hobby group anything! Not to matter if you leave your marriage or not having friends to support you is nice.

I want to add if you feel your husband will hurt you leave... Go the shelter, do what you need to do. I just wonder if it was only once maybe their is hope if you both get help.

Linda - posted on 08/03/2011

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I was actually talking about you and your husband going to counseling together if there was any chance of saving your marriage. If you were happy for many years, you both need to remember what attracted you to each other in the first place. Divorce is sometimes necessary, but never happy. You will still have to relate in regards to the kids for the rest of your life, even after they're grown. I don't know if your marriage can be saved or not, but I think it's always worth a try.

Jessica - posted on 08/03/2011

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Ronnell-I'm not sure how old you are, but could you be going through the change? My aunt and half sister left 19 years of marriage during their menopause. My aunt said if she had realized she was just going through the change that she wouldn't have gotten divorced. I'm not saying you should put up with abuse but there may be other issues making it worse.

[deleted account]

Hi Linda.Thanks for responding.I am a disabled veteran,so I bring alot of money into the house,I don't need to work ;).I can buy my own house,pay bills,and car payments on my money alone,I have done it in the past.The problem is that my children don't want to move until they finish highschool,they want to continue living here.So,that is the problem that I have.I don't cook because I don't want too,and he didn't have a problem with it until he got his job here.I have tried to cook,and got complaints,so I let the expert do his job.He only hit me once.I do go to counseling because I am a disabled veteran.Yes,we were happier because we were around friends and family before moving here.The problem is here for me,but I still have two teens to raise so I am stuck in this situation.My high school boyfriend and I have reconnected here on FB,and he wants to marry me and I cannot because I have responsibility to my children.My main concern here are my teens and making sure they feel stable that they are not going to be moving anywhere.I have turned it over to God because that is all I can do.Thanks for your input however :).

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