How to get over the father of your child when he already has a girlfriend

Valeria - posted on 04/10/2015 ( 28 moms have responded )

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I have a 6 month old baby, and the father of my child and I have been fighting none stop since even before the baby was born. My fights were mainly about how he is never around to help me. His excuse was always that he was working and that's what he wanted to do to provide a better future for his baby and himself. (never us) its been 6 month and he has only came every week if that no more that 6 hours with the baby. Now he threatens he wants to take my son at least one day alone with him, I said no because he doesn't know him, he doesn't even know how to calm him down. Then I come to find out he has a girlfriend since my son was 3 months old, and in between that time we were together once the day before I found out. He says he loves me otherwise it wouldn't have happened. and now he says we can talk but not about us or what could of been. Im not stupid, I know I have to let him go, but its heartbreaking to know that our chance of a family is now ruined. That now he will have to divide his time and attention between his son and his girlfriend. When it should all be towards his son. I honestly don't understand why he would go out and find another girl when he was never here to help me when I asked him too. It sucks that we were together 5 years and took him a kid to realize he wasn't happy. I wished him the best with her and now I am demanding him pay for half of our childs expenses since he hasn't really given me even half of what I have spent. I just want to hear your stories and opinions. thank you

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Dove - posted on 04/10/2015

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I've only read your first reply so far... it's not 'backfiring' on you if your son gets to spend time w/ HIS father. Sure... he may not know how to parent his son right now... but neither did you 6 months ago.... If he was decent enough to MAKE a baby with... he is decent enough to take care of that baby. He will either learn... or bring the baby back if he can't handle it.

Your son is young now and 'I' would push for short visits (maybe start w/ unsupervised for 2-3 hours and build up from there) for the time being, but it IS his right to see his child w/out you there... even if it is hard on the heart strings.

You can do this. As for getting over him... it takes time, but you can do that too.

Dove - posted on 04/10/2015

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Only a week? It took me close to a year to START getting over my ex... lol You'll be OK. ;)

Ev - posted on 04/10/2015

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Valeria--

I know first hand what it feels like to have to hand over your children to the father because there is no other choice in the matter. My ex and I got divorced after 12 years of marriage. And during the time of settling things out we had a custody issue to attend to. In the end he had the financial backing of family I did not have and so fighting for custody of the kids was going to end badly for me as my lawyer pointed out. We settled things out of court and he and I shared joint custody with him being the primary care parent. It broke my heart that this was the final choice in all that I had been trying to get. I was the only one that knew how to tend my kids needs for the part in making sure they were fed, bathed, in bed on time, teacher conferences, baby sitters, doctor visits, etc. He did it a few times here and there over the years but most of it fell on me. I agreed to let them go because they did not need us fighting over who had them and why. It was a way to make sure their minds had some peace and less worry about whose house they would live in every 6 months or so. My ex did not know how to set up things, do laundry very well, and attend the things I did but he had to learn and then not 14 months later he remarried and I think mostly because he could not handle everything with the kids and working.

The only way your ex is going to learn is to have the child on his own. Its good that you offer to have him come over when you are there or not to have time but he has to be able to do it on his own and not under your dictates. He will never do things the same as you and you can not expect it. He will never learn to tell what the different cries are if you are over his shoulder. And if he loves this child as much as he says he does he is not going to let the baby go too long without checking out all possibilities to find the source of the issue of the crying. You are not giving him that chance. You are dictating when he can see his child and how he can interact.

Trisha - posted on 04/10/2015

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Valeria... It is his right as the father.
He will get it in time. You can't honestly say there were no situations where you didn't feel like you were failing as a mother when your baby was first born. Your ex will make mistakes. The baby will cry. Your ex will get flustered and upset because he can't calm the baby down...but with time he will learn.
You can't really control this situation... Your ex and you need to come to terms with setting up a schedule so you both get to be parents to him. He is his father. He has as many rights as you do, as hard as it is to deal with that idea.

Chana - posted on 04/10/2015

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As far as breast feeding you can pump and supplement with formula. A lot of women do it so that is not really a good excuse. You seem to be very good at making excuses but let me tell you something. My husband had never done anything for our first born but when she was about 7 months old I got really sick and actually spent 2 nights in the hospital with severe bronchitis and asthma to the point that I was on oxygen. Needless to say he learned on the go just like I did when I brought her home from the hospital. I made him a list of details that he needed to know made sure he knew where everything was that he might and sent him home to be with the baby. Yes he had grandma next door but he only called her twice in 2 1/2 days. She was fine and so was he. It is a learning experience that every parent, mom or dad, needs to have. It is his right to be a father just like it is your right to be a mother.

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Ashley - posted on 08/04/2016

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Valeria,
I am so sorry this happened to you. I just went through the same thing and it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. He treated me so bad as soon as I got pregnant and I was with him 5 years as well. When you're thinking this child is going to bring you closer and it pushes them away instead.. it's one of the worst feelings in the world. I disagree with the harsh comments also. I completely understand what you went through and I hope you aren't dealing with pain from the situation still because I myself am. The lack of sleep, you don't feel good about your body since you just had the baby, you don't feel good enough... it's just a horrible thing but we have to trust in gods plan and show our kids better. They're a blessing and its up to us to change the cycle so they don't grow up around dysfunction and end up having issues later in life. I could never imagine my daughter suffering how I have over someone who did unforgivable things to me. When I first met him, his ex let him have his son after a long time of not letting him see him.. He had the balls to ask me to babysit him!! so I will never ever trust him to take my daughter because I know his get down already. That should have been a red flag for me but we all make mistakes and look passed things and listen to those words we want to hear.
Thankfully he was deported to Mexico so I don't have to deal with him but the pain never goes away of being treated so bad while pregnant and knowing that I'm in this alone.

Cara - posted on 05/03/2016

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Dear Valeria, I know this is an old post but I had to reply to you after reading your story and some of the harsh replies (felt so sorry for you that I joined this site just to reply).
I just want to let you know that I, and many others that have been in your shoes, understand there is a LOT MORE to this situation you were in than simple legal rights. (How about feelings and morals!!) Yes, he has rights as everyone knows. The courts will grant him time with his child. Done. But I disagree with the harsh comments youve received. I know from personal experience that doesnt have anything to do with how the father may treat the child, whether he WILL master it all like you did, or his whole way of thinking about his child. Its purely the legal side only. I know some dads who thought they liked the idea of having the baby themselves only to have reality kick in, common responsibility fears that MANY people and websites know all about, then run away, leaving a bonded baby heartbroken. Im sure there are mums in the world who have also done that, I just wanted to rebalance the viewpoint here and understand your fears, especially when you had such a very young baby. I hope it has worked out for you.
I also totally understand the feeling that you have gone through the pregnancy and birth and all the difficult early stages, trusting that he will take care of you, and doing it all alone, sleepless nights, taking absolute and utter care of your baby's every need at any moment. Then suddenly he wants to take the baby to his new girlfriend! I totally understand how much that could hurt. Thats not trying to control anyone, thats a very hard thing for ANY loving mummy to have to go through. I went through similar times but in my case he just took the baby out to show him off to the ladies, or hand him over to another mum friend to take care of, and the rest of the time had zero interest. Slowly over time, I begged him to have more positive contact (we never needed courts) and 2 years later they now have some quality 1 to 1 daddy time which is nice for both of them.
Im sure by now you have done an amazing job of being a mummy, and get to enjoy all the amazing moments of being with your child. For me, its been the best thing in the world. Things will get better! If not already! I wish you and your baby all the love and luck in the world.

Valeria - posted on 04/10/2015

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Raye,
Yes I am planning on doing a mutual agreement with him before I go to court. Hopefully we both settle an agreement before it gets ugly in court. I know he will learn, i just want for both to be comfortable being alone together before he can get him. I hope he undersetands that part at least.

Valeria - posted on 04/10/2015

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I am not looking forward for this healing process. It sucks but yes i will be fine for my child. thank you Dove

Raye - posted on 04/10/2015

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So sorry that you have to deal with this situation. It's hard when you had one idea about your future, and then someone shatters that idea. The other ladies are right, that you should get custody, visitation, and child support set up through the court. The father does have rights to see his child, and most likely (if you're still breastfeeding) then the judge would probably not award overnight visits at first. It would probably start with a few hours at a time, where he should be able to keep the child at his home. We understand your worry, but he will learn how to care for the baby.

Valeria - posted on 04/10/2015

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Thank you Dove, I have suggested those things so its not that big of a shock when he takes the baby on his own. I will try to approach it differently to just settle this.
and I really hope i get over him fast. Its been a week since I found out about this other girl and its not as bad as I thought, but it is still hard to deal this it. Thank you

Trisha - posted on 04/10/2015

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My husband ended up getting custody of his son when he was a baby. He laughs over standing in the supermarket healthcare aisles, with the crying baby desperate to calm him down and having nice old ladies walk up to him and show him how to sooth the baby, or show him what diaper cream to use.
He will learn. :) Your best bet is to say "here is my cellphone number. Take the baby and I will come and help if you need it."

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/10/2015

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May I point out: You still have a family. Its a fairly normal one, too, in this day & age.

Valeria - posted on 04/10/2015

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Evelyn-
I appreciate your input, I hate being in this situation. All my thoughts of having a family together a real family together are shattered, but I have to do this for my son. He needs his dad too whether I like it or not. He lights up when he sees his father, and its so heartbreaking that not even because of that he comes more often to see him. Thank you ladies for your stories and experiences. I will try to resolve this with him in the most reasonable way possible

Ev - posted on 04/10/2015

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Actually its not easy to hand children over to a person that you had once loved with your soul who then hates you for reasons you do not know. I did not trust him with my children. But I had no choice. It was fight all the time for them and loose or take the one choice that would bring some peace of mind and have some definite results that could be lived with. No one is an expert and be it a first time parent or one who has a few kids, its all a new game with custody because you do not know what to expect or how you will handle it. Its never easy to do this. And you have to learn to deal with it like it or not. Its his child too. Once this goes to court, you will have to abide the judge and the orders or take the consequences. We are only trying to tell you how it goes and what happens because some of us have the experience.

Valeria - posted on 04/10/2015

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Chana - It is hard to let go of your baby specially when i was the only one in it since day one til now. My baby's father does love him, but has not put him as his priority. Coming once every week sometimes every 2 weeks for 2-6 hours. mostly 2 hours because he would come before work. It is different giving your baby to someone who has been there living with the child everyday. Its a bit more tough when the father of the baby hasn't really been around much to help, financially or physically with the baby. It is his right as a father, but its hard to let go when you know he wasn't the best father to begin with. Specially when he worked all the time and never had money for his child except when i asked for something. I think that's why its a little more hard on me to realize what all of you are saying. but i am understanding this a bit more clearly now

Valeria - posted on 04/10/2015

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Evelyn - Thank you for your story, Im no expert nor am i pretending to know everything about my child. Being a first time mother and being in this situation is new to me. There is no handbook to tell me what I should or shouldn't do in different situations. We get along fine and have always said i want a good relationship with him so my son can see how his parents get along so well. I have grown so attached to my baby, it kills to accept that even though he hasn't done or made an effort to be a part of my sons life he now expects to have all the legal father rights. I don't think anyone wants a broken family, it never crossed my mind when I was pregnant nor after I has my baby. I am not putting my son in the middle of our problems. I as a mother want to be 100% sure my child is attended with care and love and mostly with maturity. It may take some time to get used to this new life I have been given with being a single parent and having to let go of my son.

Chana - posted on 04/10/2015

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I understand wanting what is best for your baby, that is what every parent wants. So you need to let his father be a father. He will learn the cries quickly, I am sure you did not know them apart when you brought him home; I certainly know that I didn't but it didn't take long to figure them out. To be honest with you when you are forced to do something that is usually the best teacher. My husband tells everyone that unless I had gotten sick he never would have learned how to take care of his daughter. By the time the second one came along he was a pro.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/10/2015

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One question, Valeria: Do YOU know EVERY single thing about taking care of a child? No you don't, so saying that 'he doesn't know how' is a very childish and petty argument for denying the man his legal rights to the child that is 50% of EACH OF YOU.

You don't seem to understand that YOU DON'T GET TO DICTATE when the man has the child, nor for how long.

Get orders in place and abide by them.

Valeria - posted on 04/10/2015

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I am not making excuses, just want the best for my child and you guys are helping me see this situation differently , which i appreciate

Valeria - posted on 04/10/2015

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The thing is I have never once said he cant come see the baby. I even told him he can come when I am at work. I'm being as open as I can with your opinions, and its letting me see a different point. My suggestion to him was to learn to be with him first before he can take him on his own. Its not that simple letting go of your baby even to his father. I know he wont do anything he loves him, but he needs to learn to be on his own with the baby without asking for help like he always doesn't when im around. that's where he refuses and claims he wants to learn on his own. i am trying to compromise, he is not. I need to feel secure that my baby will be fine in all aspects and that he knows what to do when the baby gets sleepy or hungry etc. bc as of now he doesn't know how to differentiate the baby's cries, i am doing the best i can here. but he is being very hard headed.

Ev - posted on 04/10/2015

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Valeria--I do not think you do understand. If you are totally breastfeeding the judge will consider that but the baby is 6 months old and dad might be allowed a few hours alone with him. Its not something that you can just decide when how and where because dad will decide he wants visitation or even joint custody of the child and he would be able to get it. This is not about you or him and your desires but the child's right to know both parents and be parented by both. Just because he does not know how to bath or feed a child does not mean that he can not learn. You did not automatically know what to do when the baby first came home and you had your mother there to help you do things. Now its time for dad to have a turn and a try at things.

Valeria - posted on 04/10/2015

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I understand that, I'm really not doing this to get back at him, and yes I felt frustrated all the time, but my mother was the one to be there all the sleepless nights not him. How can I now let go of my baby who is still breastfeeding at night be an entire weekend with his dad, when the dad has never bathed him, done his laundry, changed a really bad blow out. I told him he will have to be there more often and practice in my home before he is allowed to take him. He seems to think a baby is just playing and laughing and taking pictures and that's it. I do this for my child who does not like being put to sleep with his father he preferred my mother or me. How will he act on his own with a crying 6 month old who already is used to seeing me every day. And have him introduce his new girlfriend to the picture. But he seems to not get it and is so closed minded in what he wants not our baby's.

Ev - posted on 04/10/2015

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Valeria, let me get this straight for you. You made a child with this man and half of your DNA and half of his DNA created this child. So for all practical purposes this child belongs to the both of you. Saying he does not know what it means to be a father and does not know how to care for a baby is an excuse to try to get things your way. No one is a perfect parent the first time they find out a baby is coming. You had to learn how to care for your child and he will have to learn to do so as well. By denying him time with his child or dictating when he can see his child at this point with no custody, visitation and child support court ordered can be used against you in court as parental alienation. The reasoning behind his not knowing what to do is unfounded as far as a judge is concerned. He will learn how to care if given the chance of a child. If this is taken to court you are not going to get demands met by the judge because he or she will decide hat is in the best interest of the child. What you want and what you get are two different things. Right now this man has the right to take the child and not return him to you because you do not have any custody established. Its in the best interest of both the child and parents to have relationships. And you are hindering it.

I am not attacking you but telling you what will happen.

Valeria - posted on 04/10/2015

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Thank you, but what if I file for custody and it backfires on me to him being able to take him certain days on his own. That's the only thing I don't want to happen. I wouldn't be able to live knowing my son may be crying and him not knowing what to do. Its not fair or secure, but he seems to think it is his right as the father. when in reality he doesn't know what it is to be a father.

Ev - posted on 04/10/2015

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The best thing that you can do is get court ordered custody, visitation, and child support. That is how you are going to get things figured out and taken care of.

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