How to handle future mother in law!

Tracie - posted on 09/25/2016 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My fiancé and I have been together 6 years, and are getting married next year. We have a child together, and he has an older child with another. His mother, and even grandma sometimes, show a lot of favoritism to the oldest. There has been times where his mother will come and get the oldest, and leave our baby out of what she's doing. It has been like this since my daughter was born. They are both her grandchildren, I don't understand how she can do it! My family, treats his oldest daughter just like they treat our daughter, they might do something here and there a little extra, but, then again, his oldest is not their grandchild, and I feel sometimes they need some extra time to spend with their grandchild. The oldest does see her maternal grandmother, and aunt, and cousins at times, and my daughter is not involved in that scenario, because she is not both of their grandmothers. There was an incident over the weekend where his mom asked my daughter, if she wanted to go shopping at Justice with her? My daughter said yes and was so happy! His mom then said I'll take both you and your sister this weekend. Well, Thursday or Friday, his mom tells me, I can't take both of them, I don't know if I can handle them. I'm only taking one at a time. I instantly texted my fiancé and told him, If she can't take both, neither are going. That I knew she would pick to take his oldest daughter first, then our daughter would get put on the back burner and forgotten. Long and behold, Saturday comes around, and guess what? She asked to take his oldest. When his oldest was not even told anything about going shopping, the whole conversation was with our daughter, and not his oldest. I have a big problem when it comes to any child's feelings getting hurt. And when it's my child, I will put both feet down, and stand my guard. It's always been about his oldest child, and rarely our child. Do any of you think I'm over reacting? How should I handle something like this? Our daughter isn't really close to his mom, on a count of she barely sees our daughter! How I feel, is I should just avoid being around her, and only be around her when it's necessary, like family gatherings, etc. my fiancé is not close with his mother, as his grandma is the one who raised him. Any advice on how to handle a situation like This?!!

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Anne - posted on 09/25/2016

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It sounds like you are in a tough spot - and the best advise I can give is to take a deep breath before responding to anything your future mother-in-law does (or doesn't do). Weddings are hard enough, but being in a World War III with your future mother-in-law certainly won't help anything...

I think you should defer to your fiance and see if he can let his mother know that he has 2 children, and they are both to be treated equally. I do hope he is willing to stand up for your daughter - for everyone's sake.

Good luck to you!

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Tracie - posted on 09/26/2016

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The youngest is 5, the oldest is 7. she has had 7 kids of her own! Her youngest being 10.
We have never been close to his mother, I have always seemed to more so get along with her, I keep the peace because that's what I feel responsible adults do.

Jodi - posted on 09/25/2016

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How old is the younger one? Maybe she is genuinely concerned she can't manage/look after her?

Michelle - posted on 09/25/2016

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Then both of you keep your distance.
He needs to let her know that if he can't treat both children the same then she can't see either of them.
My Mum is nasty as well and the only reason I have a relationship with her is because she is the only Grandparent my children have in the same country. Even though she has treated me badly in the past, she would never favour 1 child of mine over the others. If she did I would stand up to her and let her know that if she doesn't treat them the same, she can stay out of our lives.

Tracie - posted on 09/25/2016

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I ami a very tough spot! She has never been one to really be around very much since day one, but the fact that makes me so mad is, my daughter gets treated like the black sheep, on that side of the family. We have had this on going for a while. It's almost like its never going to change. He definitely sees the favoritism because he called his mom out on it over the weekend.

Tracie - posted on 09/25/2016

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He did tell her if she couldn't take both it wasn't right. And her response was ill take the other next weekend. Which probably would never come. She actually didn't take the oldest out because of the time we both got off work. His response to that was he is just going to take his baby out and do something special with her. I personally, would rather her not even have my child, to be quite honest. We aren't around her very often, like I said, he doesn't like his mother, due to his personal reasons (which are good reasons to not like someone in my opinion), and he doesn't go around her or call her often at all. It's been like that since we have been together. His response is "my moms a b***h, it will never change."

Michelle - posted on 09/25/2016

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So what is your Fiance doing about it?
He should be the one standing up to his Mother and telling her that she needs to be fair to both children.
It sounds like he just goes along with it because he doesn't like conflict, well he needs to grow a set. They are both his children and if his Mother wants to play favourites then HE needs to put a stop to it.

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