How to handle situation with our freshman daughter at college?

Sue - posted on 09/04/2016 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My daughter is a freshman in college out of state. She started dating in her senior year of high school, and he was her prom date too. We are from South Asian background and sort of approve dating a little later like in college and not in high school, but being used to american culture, we first asked her to be good friends with him and probably later, when they are a bit mature, they can go out on "dates". But that did not go well and she tried to meet behind our backs and when we found out, that our reasoning and guidance did not work, we talked to her and allowed her to go for lunches and movies. After high school graduation, during summer she broke up with him which she said they decided together at the beginning of dating that they would go out until graduation.Technically she dated for 8 months. We also moved to another state. She said she was fine and she will be ok .
Things changed after her senior year of dating and we were very disappointed when our trust was broken but we still managed to let it go , give her a chance and sent her off to college. She moved to dorm and we gave our regular mom/dad speeches of taking care of health, eating well, not to do stupid things as freshman that would jeopardize her studies, or get written up for alcohol use etc..
Hard part comes now and this is where we need some advice on how to handle our situation.
When we got new phones for our family, old phones were kept for emergencies and were not reset completely. When we wanted to configure a new cell phone number, we took her old phone and by mere chance/accident we found out that some social media apps were running (as phone was not completely reset) and she has been actively communicating with her ex boy friend and his conversations were not friendly like it should be with an ex. His messeges were more about physical closeness and he has mentioned that he will come to her campus in 2-3 weeks as his room mate is coming for some festival and he will stay with her in her dorm and details what he plans to do. My daughter has responded consistently to to go find some other girl to do those things repeatedly which shows us that she is not interested. She also said her friend came to his university and he asked her back why can't she come etc. The guy seemed to have joined fraternity and is getting drunk and was sent to his apt by cops after they called a cab. He makes it all sound normal and funny which is not and it is serious. Now as parents we are worried and want to know how to handle this situation.As parents, our peace of mind is gone and stressed out a lot. We have a another teen to tend to, our professional lives to take care and need to settle down in our new place
- How do we tell her to get off this guy's friendship without directly mentioning about her old phone apps and actually we saw her conversations?
- She is spending too much time on her phone and she is in a top school and in a good program which is demanding. If she slips and does not do her work, it will be detrimental.
-To emphasize that getting drunk and being sent by cops is not cool but it is really trouble for her friend and she should be able to tell him that honestly and she should also be careful.

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Dove - posted on 09/04/2016

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Tell her that you found the phone and were in the process of resetting it and saw what you saw... and that you are concerned that she may need some help dealing w/ him if he is pressuring her into anything that is making her uncomfortable. Remind her that she NEVER has to do anything w/ a guy that makes her uncomfortable and calling in reinforcements (like good, strong, male friends... or the police) is always OK if she needs help.

Other than that... She's in college now and you have to trust that you've raised her well enough to start navigating her own life. Offer to listen and help if she wants.... and pray... a lot.

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Sue - posted on 09/17/2016

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Thanks for the encouraging reply. Sometimes, I feel I worry too much..We are waiting it out to see how it goes till mid term and how is she doing and coping...

Socalpoppy - posted on 09/08/2016

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I agree that it is ok to tell her that you saw her conversations and talk to her like Dove suggests. I know it is so scary. Our oldest is a freshman in the dorms, too, this year. I have the same fears about drinking and being with boys. I hope she has been able to understand the why's behind my fears and that we have adequately explained the possible consequences.

It will take me awhile to let go of my main worries for her, but I'm trying to just be supportive, not questioning her every move, and ready to listen when she needs it. Your daughter is so fortunate to have parents that love her so much!

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