How to handle the new gf

Max - posted on 07/18/2014 ( 21 moms have responded )

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Hi, I am desperately asking how to deal with my soon to be ex husband. He is malignant narcissistic. I broke it off 2 years ago and have been battling divorce a year now. I have undergone many traumas and fortunately been able to pull myself and my son out of it after 7years of marriage. I have so many questions. Firstly, how do I deal with the fact that he carries my son out with his new girlfriend? Note he only takes him when convenient to him or if his mother can see our son. It's so unfair. What to do?

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/21/2014

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Activities like Karate & swimming will generally hold advancement many times, as each student will progress differently. Explain the situation to the mentors/coaches. I'm sure they'll be willing to work with you and your son on getting his advancements in a timely manner despite the disruption that the dad time causes.

Do look at this as a positive experience. If gf is encouraging the time spent together, it's a win win, no? He's more involved (and as the kid gets older will begin to enjoy the involvement more), kiddo gets to spend time with dad, and gf isn't stepmonster, she actually likes him and wants him and his dad to benefit from time together. Stellar help you have in her!

Sometimes it takes literally looking back at what you've said to realize what you need to do.

best of luck, my dear! You sound much better now than earlier, much more centered and focused!

Max - posted on 07/21/2014

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Yes I'm in agreement with you there! I do feel that I have been unfair with certain parts to what I have said.

Looking at it now, its not bad as other cases. I guess I just have some fears with it. You see he have abadoned my son the 1st year we separated and yes he only spends time with my son now since he has been dating. I guess I wanted them to bond before he introduced my son her. My Ex and I have been together for 8yrs. When I ended it I made it clear that was it. I do stand firm with it and do not want him him back. I guess I have to look at it as the gf is in couraging him to spend time regardless of what the reasons may be and think of it in a postive way.
As for the extra activities, its just that he going to graded next month and all the classes are cruical for his upgrading. I don't want anything to fail because of failure to the sessions misssed.
Thank you for the awaken messages on how it is viewed.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/21/2014

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first, Max, it would help if you would stop speaking in text. It makes the entire conversation a whole hell of a lot easier to decipher.

Second, the child's father is NOT A DEADBEAT. He spends time with, and supports his son. How dare you call him a deadbeat? YOU think he's a deadbeat because you and he are no longer together, but he's involved in his son's life. NOT A DEADBEAT. A deadbeat is someone who creates a child with you and then disappears never to be heard from again.

Third, you need counseling. You need to accept that the relationship is over, and he's moved on. He isn't going to come back, and he most likely isn't going to treat you like a princess. You can specify that he act the adult and behave appropriately at child exchanges, but that's about it. Move on. If he treated you that badly, move on. Let your kid have a relationship with his father, and you leave that to them.

How do YOU know that he hasn't dated this woman prior to your relationship, and he hooked back up? Why do you think that for some strange reason they're lying to your child about that? What would be the point? Nothing. Nothing at all, except it sounds as if they know that you grill the kid when he gets back into your care, so they're playing games.

She calls him nicknames...Oh, the absolute horror! Does that mean that I'm attempting to be everyone else's mom because I have a nickname for every kid who lives in our neighborhood? Or is that just a special name that I give them so that they know that one more person in this huge ass world CARES about them? Get over the nicknames.

The extra curriculars, Karate, etc...those are commitments that you made, and you need to let the instructors know that the child may not attend on the dad weeks. Its not irreparably damaging the kid to miss an extra curricular activity.

He held the kid on his lap and let him steer. Not a huge deal. Most parents who do this do it on a back road, keep their own hands on the same wheel, and nothing ever comes of it. Both my kids got to do it growing up, I did it, my brothers & cousins did it, my hubby did it, his brothers and sisters did it...in other words, unless he was on Central Avenue in downtown New York at rush hour...another thing you're blowing out of proportion.

In other words, Jodi's spot on. You need to re-evaluate your statement that you are not bitter about the situation, because it seems that you are. Your son has 2 parents who love him, and his father has a girlfriend who adores him, as well as having his father's parents involved in his life. That's a lot more than some young people can ever hope for.

You cannot dictate how they spend time together, and unless it is a proven danger to your child, you should not dictate anything to him, because its not your place to do so. You parent your son when he's in your care. Let your ex parent him when he's in his care. Co parent when necessary, and if you can't do that, agree to speak through mediators.

Max - posted on 07/21/2014

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You know... I have put some thought into this and I totally agree with you!
I have to always remember the reasons why I want out and also remember his Malignant NPD!
Its something I jus have to accept!
But yes, both his father n his new gf convinced my son that she is d same girl from b4 but she dresses etc different n reminded him all she did Christmas gone. The only thing dats different is her name. Its a totally different name.
I guess since the last time he went out with his dad and the gf was christmas. So he felt he can fool my son which worked a lil as he is 5yrs.
Lmao yes! Again the NPD prevails....
However, I am concern with the fact that he doesn't carry him to his karate and swimming classes.
My son has grading and tournaments next month. He didn't attend any swimming classes either.
N seeing that I cannot trust in his word, I am forced to carry him even on hia dad's weekend!

Jodi - posted on 07/21/2014

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You can't say that he can't go to his dad, particularly if it is court ordered visitation. This could be considered parental alienation and there are many out there who have lost custody altogether because of this, so whatever you do, you can't stop the visits without the court saying you can.

The kissing in front of him, I'm not seeing the issue. I kiss my husband in front of my kids. No problem. It's not an offence for them to kiss in front of him.

Her calling him nicknames, also not really a reason to keep your child from them. Neither is her holding him. I can't comment on the convincing him she is someone else. That's just strange. But you are going to have to accept that it is highly likely your son will have a step-parent in his life sometime who will actually love him and care about him. You will always be his mother, but it is possible for them to have a parent-child relationship with someone else too. It doesn't take away from the fact that you are the mother.

But basically, none of this is stuff that is harming your child.

Max - posted on 07/21/2014

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I never thought of it as back biting! Thank you.
Firstly, I did ask my son questions when he came back however a lot of it he told me on his own.
Yes at his age, he is very intelligent! So when he asked certain things I picked up on what was going on...
He misses his extra classes in karate n sawimming. Not school
Ok, now on to d big part... So the high road huh? ... Then what you are saying is ... When he goes by his dad n thing like all of this which I quite sure now you n many others now have experience it... Jus let it be? What about the kissing in front of my son? Or holding my son n playing d mummy? Or lying to him about her name to convience him she is someone else?
I do believe dat my son loves me! N he does see what his dad does n did is wrong. I jus feel sometimes its better when he does not b or go around his dad you know. The contradiction and the negative effects..
But I do understand what you are saying and I am so grateful n thankful for all your support.

Jodi - posted on 07/21/2014

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Ok, a couple of things (and please forgive me if I have misinterpreted your post, it was very difficult to read because of the text speak and lack of paragraphs):

1. Unless there is a clause in some court orders, you cannot stop who is around your child when with his father, or whether his father chooses to leave him with his mother when he goes to work, goes out on dates, and so on. He has a right to have someone he trusts to take care of the child when in his custody, just as you do.

2. How do you know all this information? It is incredibly unusual for a 5 year old to share all this unless he is getting you asking him constant questions about his visit with his dad. Stop. You can ask if he had a nice time, you can ask what he did, just out of interest, but don't quiz him about it. Your child should never feel torn between you and his father.

3. Your ex may feel it is a competition. Stop playing it. Yes, it may hurt, and it may anger you, but don't play it.

4. If you ex is doing something that is against the law, then yes, act upon it. If he is driving a car with the child at the steering wheel, more than likely that is illegal (depend where you live). You can report it. But do you have evidence.....other than what a 5 year old told you? (Let's face it, 5 year olds don't always get the facts right).

5. If it is any consolation, my son was told horrible things about me. My son is 16 and still chooses to live in my home and only sees his father once a month or so. Whatever you do, do NOT play that game. Don't bite back. Always take that high road. Let him know you love him, and let him know you will always be there for him. Never speak badly of his dad, no matter what his dad says. He will eventually work it out.

6. With regard to classes, do you mean formal school? If school is required where you live, and he is not sending, then you need to follow this up. Keep evidence of the times he is not being sent to school and report it to the authorities. You can raise this issue and have it included in your custody orders as a requirement by both parties to ensure your son does not lose his education.

Max - posted on 07/20/2014

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Jodi, I have another to ask... Or n e 1who is able to! My Stb Ex had my son for a lil time 4d vacation which I agreed upon to him! Unknowly(partial) what I came into knoweldge on my son's return! Now jus to be clear, my son's dad when ever he does take him wud always leave him with his mother (d grandmother) n claim he has to work. Leaves early n return late where he wud spend no more than 10-30mins n den sleep. This hapens until my son's return back to me. Times he does go out, he carries him with his gf. He has told my son that he doesn't have any money to buy him n e ting cuz he has to give me all his money or give a police his money to give to me. (This however we all no isn't so!) ... Now that he has spent a lil time on vac with his dad.. His das carried him all over with his new gf whom both my son's father n his new gf acted a role in convincing my son she is d gf from b4. And said they jus didn't tell him her correct name! N reminded him of all what the gf b4 did with him n said... See its me! Jus my real name is this.... now.. N also said she changed the makeup from how she use to wear it n because she don't wear it like dat... N dats y She jus looks different now... Buts its the same person from b4! (Seeing dat my son is 5yrs, he is a child n can be easily manipulated by d fools) Now... on there out times they have played the mum n dad perfect family! Making it appear as she is his mum. She calling my son nicknames as mummy's do! His father n her have been making out in front of my son in the vechile. His father told him that me and him r broken up n now he is allowed to date as well. Left him again wid grandmother to go on several dates for the short period my son has been there as well! Now, plz no myy son has 2extra activities he part takes in n had practice for the timwe period he has been with his dad! His father responded to me on the agreement dat he will carry him to d classes. Not one class has my son gone to with his stay with his dad! When I asked y.. His response is always he has work! He also allowed my 5yr old to hold the steering while he was driving n allowed him to stare the wheel! I understand all kids like dis n wud like to play as such... But again, this is reckless on his part man! Tell me... How n what n everything n e 1 can about dis... Veiws, options, do's n don't's... I mean man... This is ridiculous!
He tells my son not to tell me n e ting cuz he'll get in trouble n "u no how ur mother is" ... So now he's teaching my son to lie!
Part of me feels... Its a competition for him as well! U see, ever since my son can walk, I have been carrying out my son to parks, beaches, playgrounds, restuarants, pools, den bookstores (I'm extremely huge on a good education n fun tings)... N of course since d spilt... Its been overwhemling more n more FUN, n of course fun educational tings etc we'll do now) ... So my son will of course b happy to tell his dad all what we do! Esp since his dad rarely spends time or do n e ting per say with him! Then there is also ds fact dat at a younger age which my son has memory of... His father quarrelling about us playing loud n wud forbid us to play or talk loudly etc. My son hardly got to do n e ting as a normal kid does when his dad is at home! He has seen n heard abuse, verbal n physical etc... So when his dad wasn't at hoMe n after d spilt we started enjoying life to d max! But his father has d rights with his son which ill not stop... Which brings me to dis point... In dat, another reason he carries out my son with his gf(n d new ones n ones dat I'm sure will follow!) Is to show(aka pretend to) is a great dad! To let ppl (n by dat I mean 4publicity) see (d ppl who won't know me) he n his wonderful family are so happy. As the gf wud appear to be "d mother". Because he has not once attended anything with anyone knowing me! As in my son's pre school concerts, or plays, or graduation, now he is in a higher school.. His father still has not attended his concert which he played in, his parent n teachers meeting, his sports days, his report book celebration(which my son came first in every time), n even any of my son's extra activities. Infact he has trying to convince my son to stop parting in the extras as he so small! (BS!)
Then is also another reason in his games n reasons he does all dis.. So wen my son is playing etc, he'll be entertained with his gf rather than bonding or being alone! You know...
Now to b clear... I am by far not bitter or hurt as to what our marriage has come to! As I am the one who put him out n ended it! Living with a Malignant Narcissistic person is no way ro be explain except to those who have unfortuantely been through it! N I am most proud of being able to come out n take my wonderful son out it dat toxic relationship! So I do understand he do has d right to date n see whoever he likes regardless we r not divorce. Cuz we r separated 2yrs I have been begging n now battling d divorce! So I'm def not upset in any way about it! All I said was plz don't involve my son with ur gf or gfs until u no its serious to d point of marriage etc! But of course ... Don't do anything I ask!.... I jus don't understand how some ppl can b so uncaring or selfish even to their kids! Really... I am a good mother! I'm always learning, reading n trying! I have choosen a single life(as I have my strong regilious beliefs dat I choose not to have another padner, so my son won't think he'll get a step dad) jus not to let my son know a life where parents have other ppl, d don't n do's in relationships/marriage etc nah... But of course his father portrays n contradicts my upbringing wid my son! By doing d opposite... all d values n morals n stardards etc I try to set n teach n enforce this Sob always contricts n devalue my upbringing to m son. I jus don't want my son to turn out like his dad or follow a lil bit of his footsteps, or get brainwash wid his dad.. So far, I muat say, I believe (n hope he is not trying to mislead me he feels dat way) he do see what his dad does ia wrong! But as time progress d more ill be able to determine it! Im jus concerned n want to always do what's best for my son... I'm sure I left out many tings... But dis is enough rambling on... Plz n e 1... Give some incite.... N Help plz....

Max - posted on 07/20/2014

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Thanx... I do feel I shud go to councelling. After being with a Malignant Narcissistic person. I guess I thought I can find my strenght like I did when I ended it with my Stb Ex. Seeing dat I was strong enough to leave d relationship n give my son a better life! I figured I can pull through dis as well! Didn't take into account all d back blash dat wud take place cuz of my decision. But, I have to ask thou... Y do u believe or say I have a lot of anger? I jus want to know how is shown to ppl?

Jodi - posted on 07/20/2014

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Max, it sounds like some individual counselling would be beneficial for you. It would help you work through your feeling about how you were treated and provide you with some strategies to manage those. I see you still have a lot of anger and upset, and these emotions sometimes lead to making poor choices or decisions about how to handle situations (I'm not saying you are making poor choice, just that it has the potential to do so).

I, too, was quite traumatised about these same things following my first marriage, even though I was the one who ended it. There had been abuse, and there was still emotional abuse afterward. Counselling helped me to understand my feelings and help me through the grief process that I needed to go through. It sounds like you are still going through your grief. Only when you have done that will you be able to deal with your situation more objectively and with less emotion.

You also need to trust that your ex loves your child, and even if he does not do things the way you would like, he does love him. Just because he doesn't care for you any more doesn't mean he doesn't care for him. If he isn't that great a father, your child will figure things out on his own one day. My son knows his dad is a bit of a flake. He's 16 now (was 2 when we split up), but it IS his dad, and he loves him regardless, and he has a right to that. He just knows that I am the one he can always rely on the be there for him, not his dad. Dad is someone he loves to spend time with, but not someone to be his rock. He figured that out all on his own.

Ev - posted on 07/20/2014

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Again, its up to the individual to find that right place for them. I just had to remind myself that he was no longer answerable to me as I was no longer answerable to him. I had to find a focus and that was my kids. I was also worried he would somehow turn the kids against me and my youngest was only just turned 5 at that point. But I think if you have a strong bond and relationship with your kids, then that can help a lot with that. Just be truthful with your own kids when the subjects come up but never say bad things about their dad to them. I always told them that their dad was a good person but sometimes his choices were not the greatest but a lot of mine were not either. I also told them that I loved them every day or every chance I got and when we parted it was never good bye.

Max - posted on 07/20/2014

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And also how to let go dat my ex will never treat me in a humane manner, respect n even realize all I did, my worth, my efforts .... Everything..... Y he is able to hate me n treat me sooooooo. Y.... After all... he is d one who wronged me n did so much bad things to me..... Yes I did react. Say things to him.... But it was cuz of his treatment, his deceit, his abuse, his neglect..... Etc! Yet he uses d little I do as oppose to what d has done n punishes me for it!
Y?
N how to handle, deal with it all!

The unfairness is beyond me!
Plz share n e thoughts, views, opinions etc..m..

Max - posted on 07/20/2014

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Thank you again. What are some strategies you used in not being affect to u and how to accept the situation? N how to deal with any lies n falseness n falseness he told your kids etc... I'm so afraid that my son believes his father. Or loves me less n him more.... Or becomes his father.... How n what should I do.... I try my best In Everything,,, but I always want to ensure I do the best for my son....

Ev - posted on 07/20/2014

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Max--it was the hardest thing I dealt with in my life when it came to my ex husband and his treatment of me and our kids and moving on to a new woman and life. It was not easy to watch him introduce those women to my kids and turn around and change out GF's like a pair of socks every day. I just had to learn to focus on my kids and what was more important to them and what they needed from me because they were not getting it from their dad though to this day they do love him but not in the way he would think. I had to learn to let it go and not let it affect me because in turn it would only affect the kids. At first it made me so angry that he would allow another woman around my kids, but as I said I had no say in how he lived his life anymore but I could enforce the issue with the kids. It takes a long time to learn to let what I felt about him not take over me and affect what relationship I had with my kids. When they were with me it as about us three. I also learned early on to let them talk to me about what went on at dad's if it was a problem for them so I knew what was going on but could also let them have a place to vent their concerns and anger and to guide in how they should handle things with dad. You just have to find that place that allows you do be the mom or dad you can be for those kids.

Max - posted on 07/20/2014

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Thanx Evelyn... I understand I have no control regarding his "parenting" however can't help feel disturb by what he does. How have u been able to overcome all what u face n deal wid it? How do u simply not be bothered or let it affect u? N how n y ppl u love either did or still do... Do bad n horrific tings to hurt u? Treat u wid disgust? Etc... After everything u did for dat individual. All d struggles u undergone? Etc... Den they find someone else n give them the life u were supposed to have wid them! They treat others so fab n bash u. Says horrible tings, lies etc about u n make it out in a way to be like I was so horrible dats y he was d way he was or I drove him into insanity... Etc. N now he acts like a saint etc. Also, I am disturb n scared with my son, dat he don't see d truth about his dead beat father! Or he loves him more or he beleives his dad in d lies he feeds him! Or he like his dad gf more dan me... All sorts of tings like dis... Help me to understand how to overcome all these fears etc plz...

Ev - posted on 07/19/2014

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I understand how you feel but Jodi is right on this. After you two separated and were working towards a divorce, he became answerable only to himself. My ex did similar after we divorced and seemed to have a new girlfriend every few months and the bad part was he had introduced the kids we had to the new GF each time. I could not tell him who he could have the kids around but I could tell him that no GF ever should have my kids in her care without me knowing. He did that a few times when he could have given them to me for those days he worked. He even once tried to deny me calling them. He did remarry twice after, and even then, I could not tell him how to parent in his home or how his new wife at the moment should handle my kids. I just hope that things work out, and in the end, the kids will see what each parent is about and they will chose the one that they best trust.

Max - posted on 07/19/2014

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Thanx so much Jodi! This site is so wonderful! I wish I joined 2yrs ago. Who knows... Maybe I won't b hurting as much as I do.

I'm not gonna lie.. I do still love my husband! He has been d love of my life. But i knew it was over for us 2yrs when I put him out! I have made a decision not to get involve wid n e one. Cuz I don't want my son to know life as such! Want him to have morals, standards, value etc. So its so upsetting when his father comes now n do dis! Beside he is not even serious. This is gf #2. N they r young etc! My stb Ex is Malignant NPD. I'm jus so fed up wid his behaviour! He is extremely false! He changed all his friens. Cuz they know him well. N the new ones r jus falling for everything he feeds em. One day I hope ppl discover what he is. N what is about! Cuz, as I said... He dont carry my son for his karate or swimming when he has him. He don't buy him ne ting. Sometimes weeks will pass n he won't call him. Once his mother babysitting he takes him. Or if he plans to meet his gf n can carry our son he will! N only dat day or hrs he shows he the BeSt dad ever! Buys gifts etc! So fake!

Jodi - posted on 07/18/2014

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Unfortunately, you are actually just going to have to accept this. I understand you see it as unfair and not okay, I really do. But you can't actually have control over it, so allowing yourself to get frustrated by it is a pointless exercise. The best way for you to heal and move on is to stop with the "he did this to me and now this is unfair" thing, because that will get you absolutely nowhere and give you nothing but grief.

Your son will be fine. As long as he has a wonderful, stable home with one parent, what is going on with the other will not ruin him - you need to be that parent who can shrug it off and give him that stability and routine that he needs. Don't compare what is fair and what isn't, don't show your son it bothers you, and don't allow it to bother you.

His money is not your business unless he is not paying court ordered child support. If he is paying that, it has nothing to do with you. If he isn't, then follow through the system with that.

Basically, you need to take the high road. Look at it this way, from a positive perspective. At least he isn't YOUR problem any more.

But honestly, you can't force him to take the child for his visitation. Just continue to encourage the relationship with his child. You never know, one day he might actually grow up.

Also, have you considered getting counselling for yourself? This may help with your healing and dealing with the situation.

Max - posted on 07/18/2014

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Thanx Jodi, Yes we r in court for d divorce. I won custody, n he has vistation of every other weekend, every other holiday, father's day n shared christmas. I agrred to share d holidays.. However, he doesn't take him all d time! Esp if his mother is unable to see him . I understand that I am powerless to him carrying my son out with his new gf. However, I don't want my son to know a life as such. I ask n begged him not to. Clearly he choses to defy me! I have chosen a life whereby not being involved with n e 1 as I don't want my son to no a life as such. I jus feel so demoralize by him. He is now with gf no2. What's amazing is how he can go months without seeing hiss son. He can leave him with his mother n return home(he lives wid his mother n father now) late at night! So sometime when he do take him my son rearly spends time with him. Then he refuses to buy him things. Claims he never has money. But when out with the gf, he buys. Its so unfair! I have been abused, violated, used ... D works! It took so much for me to reach where I have today! N now I have another battle to face! Its 2yrs separation! N I can't see to get d divorce. How to heal with all dis? How to handle it?

Jodi - posted on 07/18/2014

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There is nothing you can do. You can't control him, and you can't control who he is with when your son goes with him, unless that person is a danger to your child. Just as he can't control who you are with when your son is with you. Are you making formal arrangements for custody and visitation?

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