How to i get accepted by the partners kids

Emma - posted on 12/30/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I am constantly argueing with my boyfriend and find it difficult to get on with the kids, he has three. A 17 year old, 12 year old and 10 year old.

The eldest is great but the other two from another relationship, i find difficult to get on with. i have tried alsorts.

Can any one help

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Dove - posted on 12/30/2012

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Your 'job' is to support your partner and his relationship with the kids. If you are going against their father.... you won't 'win' with any of them.

It sounds like there are issues there that their father is ok with and you are trying to change. Sorry to say... that isn't going to get you liked very well by anyone. If your boyfriend does not support the place you are trying to create.. the relationship will not last, nor should it.

I am not at all saying that you are wrong in what you want to happen... just that you can not step in and change a situation that no one else wants changed. If HE supports you and the changes you want to make... then you can both work together on it and the kids will follow along eventually. It sounds like you are just fighting a losing battle though.

Ev - posted on 12/30/2012

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Its hard on all parties. I am sorry that its worked out this way. But you knew going into this he had those children and it would not be an easy thing to deal with. As I said, kids do not like changes in their families like this. And you only know his side of the story where his ex and the kids are concerned. She could be saying the same things about him as he is about her. Talking about the mom in front of the kids is a no-no. And until you know all the details from both sides you can not make any calls on things. The kids are also old enough to play people on each other...ask one then ask the other...till they get what they want. Its not a win if everyone is not on the same page.

Emma - posted on 12/30/2012

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I have avoiding buying them unlike their mothers new partner. I have tried to be friendly and chatty and also give them wrong when neccessary but still not working. They get away with alsorts with there mother and they expect the same when they come here on weekends.
My partner does not see it and it has caused many arguments. possibly split us up today. i am at wits end and dont know what to say or do.

Ev - posted on 12/30/2012

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You can not buy them. You can not spoil them.

You need to start out as a friend to them. You can not expect instant love from the kids. This is new to them also. Their world is not what it used to be so this is strange territory for them. They may feel as if their father is trying to replace their mom though this is not the intention. Kids even at these older ages do not like the changes in their world. They may not be ready for this change either.

You need to make them feel like they are your own. Over time you need to act like they are just as much yours too. I am not saying this will win them over but it could help if you spend some quality time with them, focus on their likes and dislikes, and learn about who each child is.

Talk to them. Talking opens a lot of doors. It does not have to be about them or you. Just a conversation about the most recent movies that are popular could get your foot in the door.

Give hugs when you can. That is if they are open to them and are comfortable to this.

Talk to your husband. Tell him ow you feel.

You have said you are the girlfriend. Those are the ideas that I have. But you can not expect them to just welcome you with open arms. They are suffering because of their parents choices in not staying together. And if the boyfriend is not willing to help with this then I do not know what to tell you.

Good Luck.

(I am the mother of two kids who are now in their teens and twenties. Their dad went through a series of girlfriends and it was not good for them because they got introduced to the girlfriends way too soon. But it was their father's choice. Out of all this they have had two step moms.)

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