How to I stop my family from interfering when I discipline my children?

Wendi - posted on 09/23/2009 ( 16 moms have responded )

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I have a large family and they take the "village" approach to child raising. They all feel like they should fuss at every child for every thing. It almost becomes a competition as to who is the best at getting the children to listen. I don't feel like my kids need to be yelled at five time for everything they do. Most of the time it's little stuff. I don't want to be hateful, but I've tried being nice about it and gotten nowhere. I'm glad my family loves my kids and that we are so close, but I'm not sure what to do now.

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Sherri - posted on 09/23/2009

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Talk to your family let them know how you feel and that you rather them come to you and let you decide what is to be done with your childern. Some will listen and other may not but you are the final say over your childern. Also talk to your childern and make sure thye know it done out of love and that you will handle for them.

Samantha - posted on 09/23/2009

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You need to have a serious conversation with your family. They need to understand that just because they believe in the "village" approach, does not mean that you have the same beliefs. You are responsible for raising your children and you must do what you believe is best. If someone yells at your child for something you feel is no big deal, you need to explain to that person that you do not appreciate their approach. If they do not feel that they should change their disciplinary actions, you should consider getting your child out of the situation. Your child comes first.

Minger - posted on 09/23/2009

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You can do this two ways: You can have a big family meeting and let them know in the best way you know how that you appreciate the help but would rather learn to be a good mom yourself; or you can talk to the key members (those with the most influence) individually and convince them that it would be better if your kids were not confused by so many different voices all the time, and that your voice (and your husband's if any) is the most important one they should listen to.



Good luck! I know it's difficult as I have a similar situation at home.

Lynette - posted on 09/23/2009

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I had this problem with my husbands side of the family and even my own. I just let them know that when I am around, my child is my business and if something happens that needs attention then I should be the one to handle it, not them.

Brownie - posted on 09/23/2009

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Tell them to mind their business and that you will handle the disciplining of your children.

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Wendi - posted on 09/23/2009

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I watch my kids, but there are four and sometimes you have to pick you battles. Most of the time having the whole family looking out for all the kids is nice since they seem to play in one big group. And if they are doing something serious and for what ever reason I didn't see it then I don't have a problem with someone else telling them to stop. But I have literally been telling them that I was going to put them in time out and been interrupted with "If you do it again then I'm going to spank your bottom" from another relative. Then we end up arguing and that's not good for the kids either!

Brittany - posted on 09/23/2009

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tell them that they had their chance to discipline when they had their children. this one is yours, you have the right to choose how you want your children to be punished. if they dont agree thats just to bad. people shouldnt be constantly yelling at your kids, especially over the little things. explain to them that if they are going to disipline your children, then they have to do it your way. constistancy is the key. if a bunch of people were yelling at me to stop touching things and what not i would keep doing it too! tell them one at a time, only one person punishes during family functions that way there arent a million things being yelled out to the kid and they wont get confused as to who to listen to and what to do.

Doran - posted on 09/23/2009

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Might help if you take your child somewhere else private to discipline him/her. Like in the garage. I've used it several times and my kids think it's a scary place since it's dark and full of boxes/dust.. worked for me. Another one that's worked... we made a rule that no one can talk to the child who's sitting in time out. The child in time out can't talk to anyone either. That's helped too.

[deleted account]

Well, this only pertains if you actually watch your kids, and not let anyone else be responsible for them- tell them to STOP. Tell them it's YOUR responsibility for reprimanding them, and not theirs. now, if you're the kind of mom who doesn't look after your own kids (I'm not saying that you are), then they have every right to discipline your kids.

But, doesn't sound like it, so tell them to lay off!!!

Lisa - posted on 09/23/2009

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I have a similar situation with my family and friends (who are basically my family... my daughter calls every single one Auntie or Uncle... this was the same way I was brought up with my Mom and Dad and their really close friends), but the village approach doesn't bother me... I simply go over to where the situation has occurred, ask what has happened (I'm really good at observing things that might have led up to the situation and can either explain my daughter's actions or find out it's something I happened to miss), then I pull my daughter off to the sidelines and handle the situation from there... if someone (even a close relative, like my own mother or her father) tries to put their two cents in, I simply turn to them, smile and say that I've got it handled and then quietly tell them not to undermine me in front of my daughter next time.

Roxanne - posted on 09/23/2009

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I have had much of the same experience here, and anytime someone else disciplines my children, I simply say "I am their mother and I have been doing just fine disciplining him/her up to this point, I have it under control and if I need help or advice I will be the first person to ask for it. I would appreciate it if you would let me be the parent here. I value your input, but the disciplining should be left up to me." For the most part it seems to help.

Lavinia - posted on 09/23/2009

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You have to stop it because it will never on it's own and LOTS AND LOTS of support from hubby. Good luck!

Deonna - posted on 09/23/2009

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Be direct and don't beat around the bush!! Let them know you value and apprieciate everything they say and do, but you feel it is your job to correct your children. You may have to remind them every now and then. The key is they are your children.

Danielle - posted on 09/23/2009

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If you are not at your home you can politey leave if it gets out of hand my children show out at my in laws because they think thier mawmaw will let them do whatever it was getting out of hand and I was not able to disicpline therm and I have told my children going there is a privilge and if they cannot show me respect while there we will not go back. this has worked

Alana - posted on 09/23/2009

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i couldnt agree more with samantha lippard. she is sooooooo right. my son, Ben was little when this started happening...mostly with my fathers side of the family. Luckily i had a very strong mother who told me i needed to stand up for myself for the sake of my son!

so i did...i told him...he is not ur child and you are not raising him. you can either butt out when it comes to this...or just stay away unless you are invited. this actually didnt work at all...he thought it was just a silly little threat. Now tho...i have a 6 year old who will tell his grandpa...."please dont say that...its not polite..." etc..."dont talk to my mom like that grandpa...its not respectful"...

i wish you luck.

Deborah - posted on 09/23/2009

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one way is if you are at your family's home, take the child into a room they aren't in and deal with any problems that way. The only other this is to talk to them and let them know that suggestions are welcome, but not when you are in the process of disciplining your child/children.

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