How to make my parents understand?!

Jessica - posted on 06/03/2013 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I need some help ladies. I recently got married (eloped) and we have an 11 month old daughter together. We decided to elope because my family didnt seem to have any interest the whole time i was planning. I was really upset and didnt see my wedding going like that but it was beautiful none the less and i am very happy. Now that i have eloped they haven't spoke to me for weeks. They found out that we only told his parents because we needed as sitter. This has alot to do with my daughter as well, i wont allow them to babysit alone. We have decided to raise our daughter a way that they are not familiar with. By this i mean NO alcohol, NO smoking, NO fighting around her. Not to mention my parents had me very young and they are still young at mind. The smoke pot, drink everyday, fight often and smoke in the house. They keep telling me " all of this was ok for you, and good enough for you" and i say i want to do things differently then i was raised. They have been crying alot and seem really upset and i dont know how to make them see that its not ok for my daughter to be around and why wouldn't they want better for her. Dont get me wrong i most definitely want them in her life and they can see her whenever they want. but they are upset i wont let the babysit and his parents get to. Its a bad situation all around and i never wanted to hurt them but me and my husband refuse to raise her around any of that. They just will not understand.

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Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 06/03/2013

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Your doing the right thing even though it's tough hurting people you love. I personally do not let my mom babysit due to an alcohol and drug problem. She will get sober for a month and ask me to babysit, and I'm totally honest with her how I feel. I tell her it took a long time for her to break my trust and it will take even longer for her to earn it back. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with my mom being alone with my child ( and this hurts me not just her) but she made her own bed. You have every right to want better for your child, and you sound like a good momma and your baby will appreciate the efforts you made to keep her safe

Michelle - posted on 06/03/2013

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There's not much you can say to those that are in defiance about what they do harming others. Hopefully they will realize sooner rather than later that they are the ones missing out because of their bad habit.

Michelle - posted on 06/03/2013

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Have you explained to them the dangers of passive smoking? If you have maybe get some pamphlets from the doctor regarding passive smoking.
In regards to the drinking let them know that you need at least 1 of them to be completely sober when looking after your daughter just in case anything happens. If they can't promise you that then they don't get to babysit.

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Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 06/04/2013

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Jessica, I once again understand how u feel. My mom had zero part in helping plan my baby shower, and it really hurt that she seemed uninterested. I thought she would be excited helping especially bc this is her only grand kid. She then got upset bc my mil was a huge part of it , and I was like how can you be mad when you showed no interest in helping!? I could care less about her contributing financially but the lack of support crushed me and I'm assuming this is how you feel about your parents not including themselves with your wedding plans

Angela - posted on 06/04/2013

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In that case you did the right thing by eloping! There's an old saying "He who pays the Piper, calls the tune ..." No use accepting help with wedding costs if you're not getting any say in how it goes. But I DO find it hard to believe they were willing to bankroll it and didn't wish to have any input in how it was spent .....

Don't forget what I said about free babysitting!

Jessica - posted on 06/04/2013

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And they can live there lives how they please but the decisions they make will prevent them from seeing their grandchild.

Jessica - posted on 06/04/2013

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I NEVER expect free babysitting! I have a Monday - Friday nanny because i want to be in control of my child's care. For the record.

Jessica - posted on 06/04/2013

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They told me they wanted to pay for my wedding when i got engaged. You cant assume what i expected from them or how I am just by reading what i wrote. There is more to it then you know. As i started planning a wedding you would think that your mom and dad would want to be involved ...(Dress fitting etc) The whole time there was NO involvement, NO interest. After being upset about the whole thing we planned something with NO ONES involvement and now they are upset after the fact which blows my mind. I gave them a chance to be apart of my wedding like every other parent would want to be but then turned it down now they are pissed off.

Angela - posted on 06/04/2013

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Whilst I agree that you're acting in your child's best interests by insisting on no smoking, drinking, fighting around her (you're 100% right to insist on that) other parts of your post intrigue me.....

To quote you "We decided to elope because my family was not trying to pay for a wedding and didn't seem to have any interest in helping me plan". Since when was it the responsibility or duty of parents to help PAY for their offspring's wedding? Honestly, the decision to marry is the decision of a couple and not their parents! If you're old enough and mature enough to marry, then you're old and mature enough to foot the bill for it yourselves! No child has the right to expect financial assistance in the costs of getting married from parents, neither daughters nor sons. I understand that many parents are happy to help - but this is simply a gift and NOT an entitlement!

The same goes for planning a wedding. You do NOT have the right to expect to be helped in making your plans. YOUR wedding is YOUR business, it's YOUR financial responsibility to pay for it and you have NO right to expect, demand or insist on financial or practical help towards it.

However, since you went ahead and arranged it on your own, you've proved you have the maturity to decide what you want for yourselves and your child. So they have no right to be offended at the conditions you request if your child is to spend time with them.

Just think twice though if one of the things you expect is free babysitting. Ask yourself if you have the right to tell people how to live their lives if you're getting something for nothing from them.

Good luck.

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 06/03/2013

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Yes, that's the funny thing that they don't see how it hurts their kids too. I wish I could have a trustworthy mom for both me and my daughter but it's not that way and it hurts me deeply that my daughter can't have that special grandma relationship with her. I'm sure you wish things could be different too so your baby could have a healthy relationship with your family

Jessica - posted on 06/03/2013

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Thank you so much, It means alot to hear someone else say that. And it really does hurt me alot that they are blind to the way i want to raise my daughter. Its strange to me to be defiant to my parents and not listen to what they have to say but now that i am a parent i will do whatever it takes to protect her and make sure she has good life and upbringing .

Jessica - posted on 06/03/2013

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I have and they say "oh well we wont smoke around her" but its still in there clothes and on there hand and breath. when i say that they say "now your just being crazy she will be fine" They keep trying to make me think im over reacting.

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