How to manage my 18 year old son.

Jama - posted on 11/01/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )




My 18 year old has no responsibility in the house, refuses to take any. He wants to hang out with his friends but will not tell us where he is going and with whom. Infact he Till the age of 14 he was a very easy going child.
I know that since he is 18 he is legally considered an adult, however, I just cannot let him go I have got no clue who his friends are and I see danger when a group of teenagers are together. Whenever we try to advise him, he thinks that we are just being over protective and feels he has more common sense and better judgement than us. He says even if we say no he can still step out, he has his two feet and no one can stop him. I am aware that some parents would suggest that let him learn the hard way, throw him out and he will realise and come back. Please do not advise that, I cannot go through that torture. I am sure you all must have used other options.

Thanks so much for reading and hope to get some responses to help me.



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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/01/2013




Sorry, honey, but the hard fact is that you've enabled this behaviour.

Did he ever have chores/responsibilities in the household? Or did you and his father do everything? Thats usually how things like this start.

He wants to be an adult, great. Adults respect their housemates, and contribute to household responsibilities. If he wants to be treated as an adult, he needs to hold down a job, contribute to household expenses, and help with household duties. He should give you the courtesy of telling you who he's out with, or at the very least have a cell to keep in contact in an emergency. He should have the consideration to not come in at all hours of the night, waking the household.

And you don't want to hear this, but it's the truth: Show him the door. He wants to be an adult, he can do it on his own dime, in his own space. My son just turned 19 this summer. He (as soon as he graduated from HS) got a job and started paying 'his' way. He figured out from our monthly expenses how much he should be contributing, and he did that. He paid me room & board, he paid his own utilities. NOT BECAUSE I FORCED HIM, but because I'd raised him to know that everyone must do their fair share! His reasoning was "I'm old enough, and I can pay for my energy consumption, as well as some food and my room".

He's now living on his own, moving forward. He wouldn't be if I'd done it all for him all his life. He and his brother have had responsibilities their entire lives, and they know that they are expected to live up to certain conditions.

But, truly, he can't have it both ways. Either he acts like the adult that he wants to be treated like, or he lives with being treated like a kid.

Leela - posted on 11/01/2013




Hi. Here's my 2 cents. You are enabling his behavior. He should not have a choice about being responsible and if you're not careful instead of an 18yr old, you'll have a 30 yr old who is living off of you. It sounds as though he doesn't respect you so you have to set very clear boundaries with him. Additionally, he is 18 and the most you can do is encourage him to share details of his life with you. The more you push, the more he will push back. Tell him he's now an adult, you respect that and part of being an adult is being responsible. He cannot have it both was.

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