How to push away my daughter's bf

Jean - posted on 06/06/2016 ( 14 moms have responded )

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My 16 year old daughter met her 18 y/o BF 3 months ago thru arranged date by friends, a complete stranger never met him before not even a friend of her friends. At first I was excited cuz she's always had problems socializing . First date I told her she can only go out if the guy will pick
Her up at the house and come back before curfew, that didn't worked out well. He called her when he got to the front of the house and didn't even came out of the car even though I was at the door with my daughter and dropped her off almost an hour late without even coming inside. We confronted her and told her that we didn't liked the way it turned out . Conversations went on by text, not following curfews cuz she hasn't been too honest about our rules in the house . A week later she asked again if she can go out with him , this time he came and picked her up . At first I was happy with how it was going but then second date , the guy was already asking for just a date but some other stuff that involves just more than getting to know each other. At the beginning she was open to us but she's the type of person that's so gullible and will do anything to please others . She would tell us after the fact already . So nothing much we could do but talked her out of it. A month later he asked her to be her BF and said yes without even talking to us and reassured us that it was just a tittle. A week later something else happened told us after it was already done . A week later another thing happened this time we found out through text messages and guy convincing her to do more practice and do it somewhere more private as we found out they were doing . Since then the guy stopped coming to my truck after school . He would criticized our phone rules and judging our parenting rules, make her feel bad in a subtle way when he doesn't get his way . We tried talking to our daughter and tried to get her to talked but she would cover up everything . We tried talking to her that their relationship was too immature and too early to fully trust the guy but it's not working . The worst part now is their conversations are not through text anymore but through private message snap chat or Instagram where she can delete all and no trace of conversations to make us convinced that their not communicating . I don't know but I have a feeling that this guy is up to something not good .

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/06/2016

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What do you not get??? We are ALL telling you to enforce consequences. Take away electronic access, for one. Enforce consequences, rather than caving

Michelle - posted on 06/06/2016

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You take away her phone. She's not allowed to have it in her room, it stays in the kitchen. If she has a tablet as well then you take that away as well.
He's 18 so of course he's not going to like rules. Tough luck if he doesn't like them, he's not your child to worry about.

Sarah - posted on 06/06/2016

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If a boy showed up in my driveway to pickup my teenage daughter; Hell would freeze before she left the house with him coming to the door. If she broke curfew without calling me, she'd not be allowed to go out with him again. As long as you pay for that phone, she has no business using it for private use only; take it away. Close her social media. If you don't get a grip on this, your next post will be about her pregnancy or STD.
What does this even mean:
Since then the guy stopped coming to my truck after school .
You know this guy personally? I'd give him a piece of my mind and tell him to back the hell off.

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Dove - posted on 06/06/2016

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Tell him if he doesn't want to deal w/ your rules... he should go and date another adult because your daughter is still 16, so she has rules to live by... or suffer the consequences.

Jean - posted on 06/06/2016

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Shawn
How do we approach her to stay away from him without making it so negative .
We monitor her messages and phone curfew and if we find proof then she gets consequences but lately they're doing it through private chat and deleting messages so we can't really find a proof of them chatting . And that's giving me more red flag.

Jean - posted on 06/06/2016

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No we don't know the guy at all even my daughter , a friend of her friend dared her to meet him and so his friend and a month later he already asked her to be her GF . At first he used to walked her to my truck after school but then a month later he stopped , according to my daughter he's scared cuz of all the rules that we have.

Michelle - posted on 06/06/2016

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I agree with the other ladies. You need to have consequences, not just rules. Rules don't work without consequences of breaking them.
Until she is 18 and while living in your home, you make the rules and she has to stick to them.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/06/2016

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My sons have ALWAYS met the parents, whether the girl wanted them to or not...and mine are now grown.

Ev - posted on 06/06/2016

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I have to agree with others. When I dated the guys had to come and meet my parents the day of the first date and get their approval and so on. I had curfew to be in by on school nights and weekends. I also had to keep up grades in school and so on. I once was late due to his car breaking down and he left me in the car to go get help to start it and we did not have cell phones back then to use. I almost got grounded for being late. Not that it was my fault but I did not call either and could not even do so because there was no phone booth close by to call. My sis got grounded after she had taken a co-worker home and fell asleep on the couch at his parent's home because she had not called to let our parents know what was going on. When she had come home our dad had already come in from work and gone out to look for her. She got grounded for 2 weeks and had to only go to school or work and then home. She was peeved but she had put herself in that situation. I had done so as well to a point.

The point is you have let her get away with this so many times with no consequences. She needs to understand that she needs to be informing you of what she is doing, where she is going and even with whom not only for safety reasons but because you have rules or supposed to have rules to follow. She is never going to learn she has to abide rules out in the larger world such as at work, at college, and in other situations.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/06/2016

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So, no actual consequences for disregarding your rules at the age of 16. No enforcement of ANY type, other than verbal with no reinforcement. Caving to the "we don't" excuse, rather than monitoring electronic devices and installing parental controls...

And what advice were you seeking?

Dove - posted on 06/06/2016

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Well... then that's perfect. You seem to keep letting her do whatever she wants w/out consequences and then are complaining about the results of that freedom.... Hold her accountable for her actions (like skipping curfew, misusing her phone, etc....).

Jean - posted on 06/06/2016

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Dove- we told him from the begginning that he's always welcome to the house , he came over once but I don't think he and her liked the idea that we were all in the living room watching a movie.

Dove - posted on 06/06/2016

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I'm also assuming you've fully talked to her about sex... reasons to wait and how to protect herself if she chooses not to wait.

Dove - posted on 06/06/2016

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After the first date of not coming home til an hour late... why did you let her go out again the NEXT week? You can't stop her from seeing him completely and you can't stop her from having sex if she is determined to do so, but you absolutely can set rules on curfew and the phone or she can be grounded from going out or using her phone.

You can also say that she can not go out w/ this guy (though she may still sneak if she's allowed out of the house), but that he is welcome to come over to the house for dinner and a movie. Keep things a bit supervised and get to know him. If his intentions are purely no good perhaps he would not be willing to hang out over there.

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