how to stop the cycle of meeting abusive men, im 8mths pregnant and the babys dad is in prison for being drunk and thretening and holding me by the throat. How am i going to cope with yet another bad choice, its hard to be strong when your on your own...
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It is very hard. When my first husband left me, I was utterly, totally and completely crushed. Our son was 4 months old. I had to go back to work full time plus 2 part time jobs just to keep the roof over our head.
I stayed resolutely single for 8 years out of mourning for my marriage and fear of getting involved again.
I then met and married my 2nd husband who turned out to be a complete nightmare. So I'm back alone again.
I strongly suggest you make sure you have full time employment, focus on your child, and really encourage you to seek out a women's support group for domestic violence survivors.
Adn stay single for at least a year and I mean don't date. It's too tempting and you need to learn how to be alone. I know it's very harsh advice but there's a reason for it. You have a baby coming and you need to focus 100% of your energy on that newborn. A man will absolutely complicate things. You will be amazed how much self-respect you will gain by living alone and surviving it. It taught me that yes, I CAN do it. I can take care of myself and my child. I went from being a crushed, crying mess with 3 jobs to a strong, independent, bloody-minded woman with her own home, new car and 1 job that paid for it all. I almost lost all that with my 2nd husband who tried to break me down. I fought and YOU CAN TOO!
No man is worth the pain he's putting you in. NO ONE IS.
â« Shawnn âªâ«â« - posted on 03/30/2012
Think of it this way, Nadia, you are not going to be on your own here in another month! And, you are the sole provider for and protector of that baby. You need to think positively, and give yourself the confidence you need.
You ARE a strong woman. And you do NOT need a man to tell you that! You will do the absolute best job you can of being a mother, and that will include making the best choices in partners available.
If you find yourself wanting to become involved with the "wrong type", ask yourself WHY? Why do you want to subject yourself to what you know is coming? And if your answer is because that's the only way you think you'll find love, then, honey, you look at yourself in the mirror and say "NOPE, not again".
Surround yourself with positive thinkers, and women (and men) who are nothing but supportive and loving. And, talk to a counselor. You have recognized the problem, which is the BIGGEST step. good job!
â« Shawnn âªâ«â« - posted on 04/02/2012
Nadia, my friend (and, yes, I consider you my friend),
You are a beautiful woman, with beautiful, precious kids! You have my support any time you need it!
I can safely say that God will give you no challenge that you can't handle! And, I know from experience, it gets tough. Stay strong, and believe in yourself, honey! I also know that you can persevere, and become a much stronger person, because I am living proof!
Message me if you need to. I'll send you a pm with my email...I'm not always online, but if you need to vent, or need a shoulder, I'll be here.
Nadia - posted on 04/02/2012
Aww thank you very much Shawn, very wise words and the bit about the cuddle brought a tear to my eye.
Im really looking forward to my next chapter in life all the new ppl i am going to meet and most importantly it will be with decent ppl with real meaningfull relationships.
Life comes with its ups and downs and pleanty of challenges, i will be back on here for sure asking for advice along the way.
I feel comfort knowing that i have met you and if ever i need a friend i can always come here for a chat.
Thank you for understanding and being a friend.
All my love Nadiamarie X
â« Shawnn âªâ«â« - posted on 04/02/2012
Nadia, you are doing great! I know what it's like to not have your mum as supportive as you need. It sucks, to be blunt! But, at least she will mind your eldest 2, which is more than mine did when they were young enough!
Church is a good place to meet like minds! And to get yourself into a supportive atmosphere.
You are doing very well with staying away from your vices. I know how hard that is! What you really, really need is someone that will give you a big hug, and unconditional support. You may not have close friends there yet, but as you continue to attend church, and social activities with church (especially things for the kids, play groups, etc), you'll find other ladies with similar interests and, believe it or not, struggles. You'll be amazed at how many women find themselves where you are. You, my dear have advanced leaps and bounds!
And, you can always turn to us! We may not be physically close, and some of us may not check in on weekends (especially during summer...LOL...) but we're here, and we're pretty good support most of the time!
So, look in your mirror, Nadia, because you are a beautiful woman, with 4 (soon to be 5) wonderful children. You have every right to be healthy, and happy, and in a good relationship! But...If a man doesn't treat you like a queen from the very first time he meets you, (or if he does, but it feels "off"...and you'll know) then you don't even give him the time of day, honey! You're worth so much more than that!
Nadia - posted on 04/01/2012
thank you for your advice..
Im at home today i didnt end up going to church i had to clear out the clothes cuboard to fit some new baby bits in.
My life is very caotic atm my older 2 boys sleep at my mums from monday to thursday but they still come home for dinner after school every other day, then from friday to sunday they sleep here. I have always looked for comfort in alcohol or drugs but dont drink or take drugs any more, i dont have a mum or best friend for support and feel church is a safe way for me to socialise and meet and have adult conversations atm im just mum and it would be easy to start to drink again so church life is very important to my growth. I was baptised last june 2011 and im a born again christian.
It feels good to be living a clean life away from crooks and crime im enjoying life, but as we know life always comes with its chalenges and my challenge to date is looking after 4 children all boys age range 11-1 and i am 8mths pregnant, i need as much support as poss atm, full time work would not be possible.
My babys farther has just been put into prison i never imagined looking after 3 under 3s on my own, i know i CAN do it i just have no room for faliure i would never forgive myself so im reaching out b4 i crash and burn...
Ive got health visitor, social w, midwife, psycotherapist, my mentor, mother inlaw, my mum, nursery manager and whoever else i may have forgotten in my life all thru the week (and theres only 5 days in a week) to entertain. I welcome all this help because its a long time comming, but who have i got for me just to chill out relax and talk to.. my mother in law is disabled and very needy, my mum is very critical. Somtimes i look at my life and think what the hell have i done!! Admitidly it will not always be this intense its only because the social want to keep me and the kids safe from any domestic violence in the future and with my track record its highly likely i will meet another scumbag.. so in time things should ease up.
"i cannot do this on my own. "
Nadia, please dont' think I'm discouraging you from going to your church group for support but I want you to try and change that mindset. Yes, you can do it on your own. Think it, keep saying it till you believe it. You can do it!! YOU CAN DO IT! Women throughout history have had to raise children on their own for oen reason or another and we all thought at one point that we couldnt' do it until we realized that we could.
And I promise you, you will feel so empowered and so strong that you'll hardly believe you were ever anything else.
Nadia - posted on 03/31/2012
Firstly i want to say thank you for your reply..
While in bed last night i realised the biggest void in my life is my mum, it has always been there and i go to these undesirble men fo support.
I was in a child protection meeting for the first time on thursday, and the chair beside me was empty my mum was invited but never wanted to come. I have alot comming up in the next few months and need an outlet a positive support for "me" not the kids. This is were i always go wrong and look for a release fun and support all rolled into one, mum supports my 2 eldest children but it stops there.
Im joining a new church group this sunday, hoping to meet some positive influences, i cannot do this on my own.
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