How to tell my 4 year old that her daddy is not her biological father?

Danielle - posted on 08/24/2013 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My daughter just turned 4 years old in March, and my fiance has been her in her life since she was 1 and a half year old so he is all she knows. Her biological father has seen her once when she was only 1 year old. I have been thinking this may be the right time to tell her but I have no idea where to start. I do not want to wait any longer in fear that she will be extremely hurt and think I have lied to her. I have been trying to figure this out since she was born, I thought her biological father would have been around but he was not, so I just really need some advice!! Also, if anyone knows of any children books that may be out there that explains this? The only books I have found so far are ones where the biological father is still around.

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Danielle - posted on 09/01/2013

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I actually did that. When she asked me what I was doing when I was looking fir answers, I just explained it to her. The whole thing, then I showed her a picture. I know she understood and because my side of the family lives on the east coast and I'm now in the Midwest, she asked if he lives too far away so we can't we him. So I said that's exactly right. Also I explained how her cousin has another daddy and even her daddy, my fiance, has 2 mommies, which really helped her get it. It went very well!!

FreedomSmellsNice - posted on 08/24/2013

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Do you think she is going to be more hurt that you didn't tell her? Or, that you pointed out the fact that her biological father is not in her life?

If you have any pictures show them to her. Point out the characteristics that they share. Include any photos of you two together, or all three of you'all. Show her pictures of his side of the family. Answer any questions that she has and do not feel bad about the choices that he has made.

Danielle - posted on 08/24/2013

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Thank you for your reply Freedom. However, I do not want to wait until she is older because then at that time it will upset her thinking this whole time that I have been lieing to her. I always wanted her to grow up knowing who her bio father was. But then I moved to a different state so she doesn't have any access to his side of the family or the chance of bumping into family. Also, I do not see the need to explain sex. She knows mommies and daddies make babies and that is all she needs to know right now.

FreedomSmellsNice - posted on 08/24/2013

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I don't see the need to tell her now. A 4 year old does not understand the concept of a biological parent. Are you going to explain sex to her next? The only people that are important (right now) are the ones that love her and are a stable factor in her life. If you and your fiancé get married, does he plan on adopting her? When she can comprehend the sex talk then she can comprehend who her biological father. Also, you will be able to better explain and answer her questions of that part of your life. Who knows, by then the "father" might be wanting a relationship.

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