how to tell my mom that dosent want me to have anymore kids that im pregnant

Krista - posted on 01/02/2012 ( 113 moms have responded )

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my judgemental mother thinks i should only have 2kids but im pregnant with #3. anyone got any creative ideas on how to tell her im pregnant again??

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Jenny - posted on 01/02/2012

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Just tell her you're pregnant. You're an adult, there is no need for tricks.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/06/2012

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In response to Bonnie: Why would you tell us that we are all “mean, mean daughters”?

Where is your reasoning for that? I’m glad that you have always been a loving, understanding, and non-judgmental parent, but the reality is, ma’am, that not ALL mothers are loving, understanding, and non-judgmental.

And, as far as I’m concerned, once I’m an ADULT, who is married, and making decisions for myself, (and doing quite well in my marriage that has lasted 21+ years now) I do not need to submit to judgement from my mother, who has attempted marriage twice, failed once, and the 2nd is still to be determined.

When my husband and I made the decision to have kids, it was WELL after we’d married. Therefore, my mother being rude enough to ask me WHY did I get pregnant was the limit. If my mother, who I have treated with love and respect my entire life, does not feel the need to be supportive, then I no longer feel the need to treat her with any more than courtesy. I no longer fill her in on ANY of the events in my life, as she is nothing but rude, demeaning and judgmental of my decisions, choices, and path in life.

The OP has indicated that she and her husband (not boyfriend, mind you, but husband) are financially able to care for 3 children, and that they have planned for 3. Once a person is in a married, committed relationship, and it is stable, as this one sounds to be, then the parents of that person need to realize that, yes, in fact, they ARE an adult, and have made sound choices. Any criticism at that point is not constructive, it is rude.

She stated that, no, grandma doesn’t babysit for her, nor does she financially contribute to the care of the children present, because they are financially stable. If it were a different set of circumstances, then maybe she’d have the right to be that way, but for a stable relationship, the mother is out of line.

And, yes, I HAVE raised my children. With respect, and I receive respect in return. My mother and I have a civil relationship, and that will continue. However, she is still critical, judgmental, and spiteful of my success in my marriage and with my children, and it shows up in the snippy little put downs that she continually showers myself and my sons with. I will not allow them to be exposed to the same petty bickering and putdowns that she raised me with, so the time with her is limited, and always in public, where she feels the need to behave.

Her mother isn’t raising her other 2 children and won’t be raising this one either. So, rather than calling the rest of us mean, horrible people, take a minute and realize that more mother/daughter relationships are bitter and judgmental than you realize. As far as I’m concerned, once I’m an adult, and have proven my competency to make adult decisions, my mother no longer has the right to rudely question those decisions every time I make them. I do respect her, and love her, for she is my mother.

Maria - posted on 01/03/2012

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Unless she is looking after your children via childcare or baby sitting it is none of her business and if you are happy she will have to fall in with you.

Sara - posted on 01/05/2012

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**WARNING**

Let's keep it on topic and be nice, ladies.

Sara B.
WTCOM Moderator

Lisa - posted on 01/03/2012

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I hated telling people I was pregnant. I don't know why cause I was super excited to be pregnant. To let all my family know I came home at easter with dessert. A cake that said, "pink or blue, we wish we knew, either way we have news for you" Everyone figured it out very quickly and I didn't have to say a thing

113 Comments

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User - posted on 02/02/2012

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I was terrified to tell my mom I was pregant...of course I was just out of high school and not in a serious relationship. She was fine with it (Thank god i'll be forty was her answer...hehe). Anyways I would just remind her about how much she loves both of your other children and how this new bundle will add to your family. I wish you the best! PS. just rip it off like a band aid!! The quicker you do it the less stress it will cause you!

Jamana - posted on 01/25/2012

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:/ Well you are the one who will raise the kids , why you will be afraid from ur mother reaction , having three kids or four kids its not what your mother should Manage , its what u and ur Husband wants

Carla - posted on 01/24/2012

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As long as you are financially supporting the ones you have & aren't relying on your mother for assistance or babysitting, etc....then I suggest one of 2 things.



1. Let one of your other kids break the news.

2. Call her on the phone - that way, if she starts in, you can say, "I am sorry, but this is good news and we are thrilled. I am going to hang up now, and when you are ready to share in our excitement, please give me a call."





Again - if you aren't looking for her support for the existing two, her 'judgement' doesn't matter.



If you need help and struggle with the first two, then she may have a point.



Just my 2 cents.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 01/11/2012

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True Marina. Like I said earlier my mom was mad at me when I first told her I was pregnant with my now 10 month old. When I had to go into the hospital in August of 2010 I had to have an ultrasound and she was still hoping that I wasn't pregnant. But my mom was with me during my labour from hell because my husband was still on the other side of the country and she was the first person after me to hold her 2nd granddaughter. And she sends just as much stuff up to BC from NY to this baby as she does for my older daughter.



Your mom might just be worried you can't handle having the baby right now because your children are close in age or something. Moms are strange sometimes.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/11/2012

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Well, I would wait until your first trimester is over, and just tell her. She may think she doesn't want more grandkids, but she might surprise you once she knows.

Marie - posted on 01/11/2012

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Hey, Krista, don't be discouraged about the anger thing that seems to be happening in these posts lately. You can probably tell that this is a very sensitive subject for a lot of people. Sometimes, those of us with bad experiences want to share them so that you can avoid the mistakes, while those of us with good experiences somehow miss the need for help that you have posted.



Since you posted the question last week, have you gotten any ideas that you like from the 100+ responses? I know they are hard to keep track of in a flurry like this. Your family plan depends on what sort of relationship you have, and what kind of relationship you want. You can pm if you wish. Good Luck and God Bless!

Oralia - posted on 01/11/2012

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I am with you here! I am 45 now with 4 grown kids and my mother hasn't changed. They don't! So live your life the way you want and don't share too much of what might lead to arguments. It's unfortunate and I wish things were different but it is the way it is. I love my mother and although I don't appreciate her ways, I know it comes from love. Best of luck to you. It will be fine.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 01/07/2012

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LOl Kyleigh yours is better than mine!

Although Hey mom, my uterus is full is another good one.

Vickie - posted on 01/07/2012

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If you not the government can provide for your children and you can give them the support and guidance that they will each individually need go for it, u are an adult.

Pamela - posted on 01/07/2012

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Why tell her if she is so judgmental? Let her figure it out for herself when you start showing.

If she makes a judgmental comment about it, counter it with, "Mom, that's just one more grandchild you'll have who'll LOVE YOU! Don't you think we all need all the love we can get?!!!"

If she remains a sour puss about it all, remember DON"T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY!!! Besides it's her 'stuff' to work out not yours, so don't play the victim role with her!

Too often we rely upon other's opinions when what the Creator wants us to do is find the answers in our hearts and allow others to do the same. Allow her her beliefs , but politely explain that they are HER BELIEFS, not yours and that since this is a FREE WILL CHOICE Universe, you will choose to have as many children as you choose.

Janessa - posted on 01/06/2012

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My family is that way too. I just tell them I love them, but we know that this is what we are supposed to do, and God will help us. We have 4, my oldest is almost 6

Kathy - posted on 01/05/2012

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why say anything just yet... she will notice soon enough and then you've had time to decide how you will approach the comments she makes. Besides its too late to worry about what she says now isnt it.:-)

Yurena - posted on 01/05/2012

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I think this is getting just too personal Bonnie, it is actually her uterus and there is nothing wrong about saying so. It is not offensive (I was quite surprised you gave us grief about how horrible we all are - lovely touch, I adore my mum, best one in the world, call her constantly, she would die for her kids, so thank you for the genralisation), then you acuse the whole forum of being disrespectful, rambling along...finally you said 'did you piss her off', I rarely get offended by language but it was so off the idea that yo wanted to portrait. By the way, 'respect', is something we give to older AND younger people. There are good mums and bad mums, I don't know in Kristas' case. But I can understand that she is not feeling very supported and wants to tell her without a shower of criticism, anyone would want to avoid it in her condition. Sorry we are such a bad group of people and that we are going to be giving such a bad example to our kids, as you said - I get complemented on my kids behaviour EVERYDAY. This is a forum and the question has been answered in many different ways and ALWAYS trying to help. All the best to you all, specially to you Krista.xxx

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 01/05/2012

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Bonnie, if this isn't about bashing anyone and you are obviously older than me, then why attack me for my comment? Doesn't seem very mature now does it?

Bonnie - posted on 01/05/2012

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well ,this isnt about bashing everybody,wow your a care aide and all you could come up with is it is your uterus not hers .nice,dear god yes there is mean people in this world we know that,and so sad if it is your mom.but she didnt say her mom was mean,so everybobys storys is good ,then she will realize she is lucky to have a mom that is only judgemental,lol,and yes parents need respect until something happens to not give it anymore,nanny

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 01/05/2012

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First off Bonnie respect is not something that is given, it;s earned. I'm a care aide, I have met a few people older than myself who I could not bring myself to respect. And there are some people who were harmed by their moms because of something she did, so not everyone has to respect their mom.

Second, I know I said something silly, but I also have a very good relationship with my mom. When I got pregnant with my 2nd daughter in June of 2011 she wasn't very happy about it. But after a while she got over it. I'm sure this mom will too.

Bonnie - posted on 01/05/2012

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hello,well respect is what you give anybody older than you,and in most of these conversationsit is the same thing [tell her it is your busniness not hers,your an adult,it is between you and your husband and yes that my be all right,but dear GOD she is your mother start treating her with respect and guess what you may get it back,as i said you only know half the story,most people that dont have a relation ship with their mom are sending some pretty childish ,things to do,and what we should be doing is to help her make a bond so the two of them can be happy and set a wonderful example for their children.you know our kids learn from us and it is ok to have disagreements but it is wonderful to have,LOVE AND RESPECT,take care,nanny

Angela - posted on 01/05/2012

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My mother is the same way. I hav etwo boys and really would like to have a girl. I now the main reason I am not trying is because mother saw how stressed I was with two boys. I am wondering, did you consule in her how tough two kids were around the time? that was my mistake. Also how many kids did she have, maybe she is sharing in her own experiences. All I know it mostly is because she cares about your sanity, remember they are mothers to and moms are protective. All I can say is prove to her youre able to have this child, point out the facts that you are mature and can handle it. Also tell her you were trying and it was not a mistake. This can show you felt you were ready for another one. The big one is do it face to face so she can see your confidence and happiness, and it is a more mature when you confront her. Show now fear!!! If I do get pregnant again I will do the same. If she cant support you point out other people do, especially saying someone like your mother inlaw supports you:) All moms want to be the better mom lo.l Well goodluck, hope I helped

Amanda - posted on 01/05/2012

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Krista, I was young as well when i had my first daughter, i was 20. My mother was very disappointed at first and didn't come around until almost a year after! When i got pregnant with my second daughter she said "again?", so i simply reminded her that i was married and living on my own and she was not babysitting my kids or paying their daycare fees, so if i wanted 10 children that was my choice and not hers. Now, she can't get enough of them.
i suspect your mother might be going thru the same thing my mother was when she thought i was too young to have kids at all. But you need to remind her (gently) that you are an adult and a quite capable of making your own life decisions.
Good luck :)

Lynne - posted on 01/05/2012

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my mother was very judgemental as well, i just told her and yes she told me i was stupid and why would i want more children and the affording of other baby etc etc. I never mentioned it again, when i had appointments and midwife visit i never told her, until one day she started asking me how i was and then i told her about my visits. I have my baby now and she is all over him and loves him to bits. It will all work out wonderfully, and many congratulations to you both if thats what you both want then that's all that mathers.

Susan - posted on 01/05/2012

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I would take her out to dinner as a family, all smiles & happy, eat dinner then order a birthday dessert maybe even get the waitresses in on it singing you're going to be a grandma again instead of happy birthday. If she want's to rain on your parade after that then that is up to her. I think she'll be speachless and once it sinks in maybe after seeing how excited you all are the happiness will flow in to her. If not then at least your in a public place and the waitresses have celebrated the fact that she's going to be a grandma again if that doesn't put a smile on her face not sure what will. But the fact that you've gone to all of this effort to tell her in this special way should give you points. Good luck, p.s. find a local place that you go into a lot and talk to them in advance to set it up.

Krista - posted on 01/05/2012

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Bonnie, I'm not sure why you think everybody here is being so mean. From what I see, people are just advising the OP to be direct and straightforward about her pregnancy, instead of dancing around the subject. If she's married and financially independent, then why should she have to hide her pregnancy from her mother? I really don't understand what this has to do with regards to respect for one's elders. One can be direct and frank while still being respectful, you know.

Krista...do you have any idea WHY your mom thinks you should only have two kids? What's her reasoning?

Donna - posted on 01/05/2012

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if you are able to financially care for 3 children, then your mum really has no business in that part of your life. If however, you are on welfare, maybe she is right. There are too many folks out there having babies with no thought process. I wish you all the best with your family and hope that your mum is feeling blessed with her grandchildren.

Marissa - posted on 01/05/2012

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I was in the same boat! I have 3 all 15 to 16 mos apart and I just turned 29! I waited until about 5 mos when I knew what it was to tell them. It was scary but it all turned out well in the end. How can she stay mad when she sees that little bundle arrive? It will be fine!

Tracy - posted on 01/05/2012

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Don't tell her. I had one unmarried and it didn't set well so when I was pregnant again right away by the same father it was not a good situation. My parents are older and my dad had kidney failure and diabetes and was doing treatments for a tumor on his pancreas and he passed away Feb 2 2011. My mom was worried enough I did not need to worry her more about how I would raise two children on my own since me and the father were not together at this point and still aren't. My oldest was born October 8, 2008 and the youngest was born August 10, 2009 so they were 10 months apart. I simply avoided my family from the first week in June until she was born in August. My sister found out 2 days before the C-section was scheduled and that was only because one of her friends had seen me and asked her so she asked. She brought them to the hospital the day after and lied by telling them I was in the hospital but didn't know what for. Everything went fine because there isn't much they can say or do about it after the fact and they welcomed her all the same.

Rebecca - posted on 01/04/2012

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There aren't any words that will make her opinion of children change. My belief is that they are blessings from God to be received joyfully. I agree with Jenny...you are an adult and should not live to please her. She can either chose to accept the fact and support you, or not. (((HUGS)))
I have six, and my MIL was also very vocal about each pregnancy. But now, of course, she loves them all. :)

Brenna - posted on 01/04/2012

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Honestly just tell her, if you don't think she will react very well then just send her the birth announcement and when she gets upset you tell her that she is judgmental and you didn't feel comfortable telling her.

Julie - posted on 01/04/2012

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You could always write a letter that way you can plan exactly what you want to say. Definitely best I think to tell her sooner rather than later and as others have said, you don't have to make it a confrontation. Sometimes people will react a certain way if you expect that reaction. If you try to do it without anticipating a reaction, she might surprise you.

Rebecca - posted on 01/04/2012

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make or buy your kids t-shirts that say "I'm the big brother" and "I'm the big sister". either have them wear them to grandma's or take a picture and send it... it's not a new idea, but it's fun... it took my mother-in-law a couple of weeks and a visiting neighbor seeing the picture to realize what the kids' shirts said and what it meant! It's not like you could (or should) try to hide it from her. Don't go for shockers either, just be honest... and hey, you're pregnant! Congrats!! "Emotions" can keep away even a mother's rant.

Alexandra - posted on 01/04/2012

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buy a very small onesies and ask her if she thinks it will fit! CONGRATULATIONS!

Charlita - posted on 01/04/2012

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Why is your mother so judgemental? Mothers generally don't feel a certain way unless they have a good reason. Did you start having children at a young age or does she not like your choice of father to your baby? It can be lots of reasons and the best thing to do would be to sit down with her and find out her reasons why. You probably want to tell her it's not her decision, but have some tact. If she shows anger at your choice than that's just something she has to deal with. Being secretive and trying to be "nefarious" about your pregnancy makes it seem as if your ashamed. Show her that you are happy about this new baby and maybe, just maybe she'll see your point of view. Good luck and congrats on the baby:)

Carol - posted on 01/04/2012

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I suggest just telling her you have good news, and ignore all previous conversations. Tell her how happy you are to be bringing another life into your family. I recall my mom pressuring me to have my tubes tied after 3 children, and I told her I'd rather have another baby than do that. And I did. Mom accepted it and loves her granddaughter. Your mom will too, once she gets a glimpse of that sweet baby, unless she's some kind of unnatural monster. (And she's your mom, so she probably isn't!)

Sinthia - posted on 01/04/2012

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Hi Krista, I would just not say anything until you are starting to show and see if she notices, and when she does just let her know.( or play it like you did not know and act surprised, then tell her you will set a Dr.appointment to confirm it). Good luck and Congrats!!!!

Theresa - posted on 01/04/2012

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krista just tell your mother that you is an grown women and what is good for you is not what is good for me and i love you but please stop because you is hurting my feelings and by the way i am haveing number three that is what i want i am taking care of them be my mom

Bonnie - posted on 01/04/2012

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omg,what a lot of mean mean ,mean daughters,i can see why the mothers did not want any of you to have any kids,probally because you have no respect for you elderys ,none of you people know what is going on in this young ladys life ,but right off the bat the parents are wrong,all of you should step back and learn some respect wow,i cant wait to see how you bring up your children with no respect,it is true most daughters rebel against their mothers,but usually they grow up,lol not many here though, did you ever hear about 3 kids ,it is true there is always a middle child and they are so hard to deal with,but that said ,yes you are only 21 what is the hurry ,is it just to piss her off lol come on now be honest,,moms can see thing you cant sometimes,is she the babysitter,is she helping you support them are you a good mom and is your relationship stable,come on now have a little faith ,and i dought she is that bad ,it is 2012,give her a break,dear god all of you give your mother a break ,because if you dont you are going to have the same relationship with your kids ,but you never know it might be worse,take a deep breath and start acting like a mom instead of a teenager,and dont listen to this people that havent tryed to over come there childishness with there parents,dont get me wrong some parents might be hard to get along with,but aint that life they are still your elders [ where is your respect] good luck with new baby,lets hope it was the right move,but either way it is your life,,but i do also know how the parents feel because so so so many of them end up raising those unplaned babys,so just be gentle and teach your kids respect,moms always come around with a little ;love. take care nanny

Bernadette - posted on 01/04/2012

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just tell her! Why should you have to break it to her gently? It's your life, and you can have as many kids as you want. Why does she think you shouldn't have any more than two anyway? If it's because you've had difficult pregnancies or births, or other health problems that may be made worse through pregnancy, then maybe it's just because she cares about you and doesn't want you to put yourself at risk. If it's not for any of these reasons, I can't imagine why should think you shouldn't have any more. Anyway, whatever her reasons, you're pregnant now and that can't be undone so you might as well just go ahead and say it.

Caran - posted on 01/04/2012

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it sounds like doing something cute and creative might be the best way to break the news. Yes, it's your life, your decision, and the pregnancy is already underway so you can't undo it, but that doesn't mean the newsbreaking has to be confrontational. If you treat the news as happy and celebratory, then you're setting the stage for how you expect her to react. You know your mom best so decide on whether this should be a private encounter or announced among other family/friends but keep it positive and expect her to react positive as well. If she does say anything to you, then you can address that privately but don't let her reaction bring you down. You sound like you are making an intelligent, thought-out decision and kudos to you!

Denise - posted on 01/04/2012

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Tell your mom it is your life... You would think she would love having more grand children running around

Brenda - posted on 01/04/2012

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I would be very excited about it. And tell her congratulations, you're going to be a grandma again! Believe me, she'll love the baby once it gets here. But regardless, it's your choice and not hers.

Maureen - posted on 01/04/2012

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well.... I do not candy coat anything . I know you love your mother and she loves you. I guess it also depends on your financial issues . She may see something that you dont.????

Donna - posted on 01/04/2012

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You just tell her.Start out with I have some wonderful news for you mom and then tell her you are expecting number 3. Don't let her get you down. This should be a happy time for you.

Wendy - posted on 01/04/2012

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u got ur own life to live,quit worrying abt ur mom's opinion,n live ur life to please you,life is too short to please other's and not thinking of ur own happiness,trust me,i've been there....

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/04/2012

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No, wait, I've got it! Show up on her doorstep when you're ready to burst, and smile sweetly and say "what, I didn't tell you? It's that pregnancy forgetfulness..."

Ok, sorry, that was a bit much, but I was tempted to do that with my second...

Beverly - posted on 01/04/2012

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If you only have two, you are only replacing yourself and your husband. When you have more, you are adding to the population, which is what we are here for.

Desiree - posted on 01/04/2012

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If she is on a social media, take a picture of a (+) preg test and post it. Either that or just dont tell her, she'll figure it out on her own and any negativity she puts towards you by then will show all her true colors, but maybe she'll surprise you with a new found acceptance...good luck and I have five kids and even people I dont know give me crap for not "being more careful" I married and we are not struggling so I'm not sure how "not being careful" plays into it.. Take care and dont stress, it's your life, enjoy it!

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