How to Tell your son about bio dad.

Adriana - posted on 09/04/2016 ( 9 moms have responded )

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Bio dad and me met when we were underage. I had my son at 18 and I decided to move in with bio dad so that we could both be in child's life and I thought it was for the best. Turned out it was not, bio dad was an abusive person toward me. Bio dad would sometimes hit me and tell and made me feel unsecured. After one year I finally had enough and left him. Afterward I met my now husbad and we decided to be a family we had a daughter and my son at 2 years started to call him daddy. We have kept this for 5 years. During the time I left the bio dad he kept looking for me to go back with him and we finally moved from the area. Also during that time I heard from certain family members that bio dad was asking around on how was the child. Now that my son is 7 bio dad has found me on Facebook and has constantly been messaging me that he wants to meet the child and have visitations with him. My question is how should I proceed to tell my son that his daddy isn't his bio dad and that bio dad now wants to see him. We have all kept it a secret but I want to tell him because everybody around him knows the truth except him. But daddy doesn't think its a good idea to tell my son and daddy doesn't want bio dad in his life. So I ambin between because I know that it's a matter of time before it all comes out and I'm afraid that by then my son might hate me for it.

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Jodi - posted on 09/05/2016

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Actually, ShariLee, noone "shamed" the OP, but they made the point that the child deserves the truth of who his father is.

"Bio dad owes you seven years of child support before he can see his child."
Wrong. Child support and visitation/custody are treated separately by the courts. Children are not commodities to be hired or purchased. You don't get to hold them to ransom because YOUR relationship went wrong.

Your advice is actually dangerous, in particular your advice to cut off contact to him - it may actually lead to being accused of parental alienation, which may lead to losing custody altogether. Adriana, DO NOT take this advice unless you first consult with a good family lawyer about your situation because you don't want to lose custody of your child.

"Meantime, the fact that he is harassing you is scary."
No, it isn't. He's asking to see his child. That's actually quite reasonable. It sounds like he's spent all this time trying to find his kid and now has finally found him.

"Bio dad didn't even try to see him for a long time, and has he ever paid any child support?"
Biodad didn't know where to find him......and if she didn't file for child support, then she should have. But I'll bet she didn't file because she didn't want dad to know where the child was. So whose fault is it she received nothing?

"When people say, "you need to," it is not always the best advice to take because nobody has walked in your shoes but you"
Actually when people say you "need to" it's often because there are laws in place that govern this kind of stuff, and the law frowns upon mothers (and fathers) who run off with children and alienate their children from relationships with the other parent.

Michelle - posted on 09/04/2016

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ShariLee: This is not correct: "Bio dad owes you seven years of child support before he can see his child." A child is not a possession that is bought. Child support and visitation are 2 separate issues and it doesn't matter if the Father hasn't paid anything, he still has a right to see his child.
Stopping a parent from seeing their child is called parental alienation and the courts don't look kindly on it at all.

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Dove - posted on 09/04/2016

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Other than one comment the advice given is exactly right. Your son's father has a right to a relationship w/ his child unless the court removes those rights. I can understand wanting to be away from him if he was abusive and wanting to hide away... VERY understandable reaction, but by not going about the custody/visitation issues legally from the very beginning you actually put yourself at risk for losing custody of your son.

Time to make it right. Good luck!! ♥

Ev - posted on 09/04/2016

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Most of these advice answers sound so shaming to me. I was a battered woman, and I can tell you that when that is going on, your life could be in jeopardy.
-----While women do end up in these situations, it really depends on each case as to whether the father is allowed to be around the kid or not and that is a choice a judge makes.

I hope you and your husband will either go for counseling at your church or somewhere and work this out. Bio dad owes you seven years of child support before he can see his child.
-----If you had carefully read the post by the mom here she and her husband moved away without letting the father have any idea of where HIS child was or how he was doing. This man did not know anything about the child. If the mother in this case had done things the right way she would have had child support coming in and visitation and custody set up for the child. Instead she moved away with the child because of her own choice. She did not let the father know where the child was or even let him know how the child was doing. The man is within his rights to file for joint custody, visitation and so on so he can see his child. He is also within his rights to file parental alienation as well.

I agree that it is important the boy learns about this before he gets any older, but in the meantime, if it was me, I would just close my Facebook account and open a new one with a name he would never think of--or don't even have one.
-----She should have been straight with this since the boy was old enough to notice things.

Meantime, the fact that he is harassing you is scary. Find out your legal rights from an attorney regarding all of this. I wish you so much good. You have been a faithful and good mother to your son. Bio dad didn't even try to see him for a long time, and has he ever paid any child support?
-----Bio dad did not get to see his son or try to find his son because SHE moved and did not leave any information of how to contact her about the child.

When people say, "you need to," it is not always the best advice to take because nobody has walked in your shoes but you. Advice on here is only worth what you pay for it...including mine.
-----Actually, it is the best advice because it is about a legal matter.

ShariLee - posted on 09/04/2016

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Most of these advice answers sound so shaming to me. I was a battered woman, and I can tell you that when that is going on, your life could be in jeopardy.
I hope you and your husband will either go for counseling at your church or somewhere and work this out. Bio dad owes you seven years of child support before he can see his child.

I agree that it is important the boy learns about this before he gets any older, but in the meantime, if it was me, I would just close my Facebook account and open a new one with a name he would never think of--or don't even have one.

Meantime, the fact that he is harassing you is scary. Find out your legal rights from an attorney regarding all of this. I wish you so much good. You have been a faithful and good mother to your son. Bio dad didn't even try to see him for a long time, and has he ever paid any child support?

When people say, "you need to," it is not always the best advice to take because nobody has walked in your shoes but you. Advice on here is only worth what you pay for it...including mine.

Ev - posted on 09/04/2016

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{{Bio dad and me met when we were underage. I had my son at 18 and I decided to move in with bio dad so that we could both be in child's life and I thought it was for the best. Turned out it was not, bio dad was an abusive person toward me. Bio dad would sometimes hit me and tell and made me feel unsecured. After one year I finally had enough and left him.}}
-----I am sorry to hear that you had to go through this.

{ Afterward I met my now husbad and we decided to be a family we had a daughter and my son at 2 years started to call him daddy. We have kept this for 5 years. During the time I left the bio dad he kept looking for me to go back with him and we finally moved from the area. Also during that time I heard from certain family members that bio dad was asking around on how was the child.}
-----Why did you not get child support, visitation and custody set?

{ Now that my son is 7 bio dad has found me on Facebook and has constantly been messaging me that he wants to meet the child and have visitations with him.}
-----He has every right to have a relationship and a chance to parent HIS son. You have been keeping him from doing so by moving away, keeping a secret from the boy about who his bio father is, and not doing the right thing.

{ My question is how should I proceed to tell my son that his daddy isn't his bio dad and that bio dad now wants to see him.}
-----You need to sit down with him and explain that "daddy" is the man who has raised him since he was small but is not the man that helped to create him. You need to tell him that the man who helped to create him is his real father. Tell him that it does not mean that "daddy" does not love him but he has his real father wanting to be part of his life. You do not need to go into details of why dad is not in his life as a boy does not need to know that. He just needs to know who helped create him so he knows the truth.


{ We have all kept it a secret but I want to tell him because everybody around him knows the truth except him. }
------Keeping a secret like this was wrong and with everyone else knowing by him someone could have slipped up and said something before you did and that would have been worse than hearing it from you.

{But daddy doesn't think its a good idea to tell my son and daddy doesn't want bio dad in his life.}
-----Legally, "daddy" has no say in that at all. And him saying this leads me to believe he is trying to alienate this man from HIS child.

{So I ambin between because I know that it's a matter of time before it all comes out and I'm afraid that by then my son might hate me for it.}
-----You need to sit down and tell your son now not wait until he is an older child. The father of this boy can go to court and ask for visitation and even custody since you kept him away from him he could call it parental alienation.

Michelle - posted on 09/04/2016

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I agree with Jodi, the way you have gone about this is very wrong. Just because he was abusive to you doesn't mean he would have been a bad Father.
You can't change what has been done though. You need to tell your son about his Father ASAP. Jodi is right in saying that you were in love with someone before you were in love with Daddy.
Father and Son have a right to a relationship and if the Father wants to take you to court he will probably get a lot more than you want since you have kept his son away from him.
I also suggest getting yourself a lawyer and getting it all sorted out through court.

Jodi - posted on 09/04/2016

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It sounds to me like you have been deliberately keeping his father out of his life all this time. You don't have that right. You have been depriving your child from a relationship with his father. "Daddy" doesn't GET to have a say in this - the biological father has rights, and if I knew him, I'd be advising him to haul your ass to court for custody, because what you have done is called parental alienation and will be highly frowned up on th courts. If the young man had known his legal rights back then, he would have been able to prevent you from moving. But the fact that you said "bio dad has found me on Facebook" tells me you deliberately kept him away all these years. Well, now he's back and he has rights.

How do you tell your child? Well, you should have been honest from the start, but given you weren't......tell him that before you were in love with the man he now calls "daddy", you were in love with someone else, and that that man is HIS daddy, so now he actually has two "daddies" who both love him very much. Or something along those lines. There is no really easy way to tell a kid when you haven't really been open with them from the start.

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