How/When can i tell my husband or fiancee that im not a virgin???

[deleted account] ( 17 moms have responded )

Hi, How and when can i tell my husband or finacee im not a virgin?!

when i was 12 i used to watch some porn vids and masturbate with a toothbruch (that's the only thing i had to use) and while masturbating i saw blood coming with the toothbrush, did i break my hymen and loose my virginity?? and now i am 14 and i stopped masturbating and watching porn vids... but just after what happened when i was 12 i let the toothbruch go further and deeper to check if any blood would go out or anything like that, but no, no blood came out again... i want to know how and when to tell my husband or finacee im not a virgin or that i used to masturbate, its embarrassing but it can cause alot of problem if i ddnt tell him... im muslim btw, and i might marry from the nthrlnds because im living there, so do i have to tell the truth or just say i lost it during sports activities or tampons???? will he be angry with me?? i totally dun knw but are dutch guys are strict about virginity or are they mind open????? :((Pleeeez answer ASAP...

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Angela - posted on 04/14/2014

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I’m quite appalled that in this modern day and age, some men still think that virginity is “proven” by the occurrence of bleeding on the wedding night. How does a MAN prove his own virginity? What’s good for the goose is good for the gander!!

Some hymens are very elastic and stretchy and would not produce blood the first time intercourse took place. Some women are born without a hymen anyway! Some hymens break during the first act of sexual intercourse and do NOT bleed, and some hymens bleed the first time. So there are no guarantees that any woman is not a virgin simply because she didn’t bleed on her wedding night. Such thinking is very ignorant – I’m not criticising YOU, Clear Heart because you’re only 14. However for your father to suggest that your virginity/hymen can be “restored” is extremely unenlightened and misinformed (and I quote): “i was very worried about it, and once talked to my father about it and he said no the man will suspect smthing, u should replant ur hymen or smthing like that, but im afraid it will be painful surgery” I can’t imagine why a Muslim father would say this – unless it’s a cautionary thing so you’re not tempted to have sex with someone before marriage!

I know of several Muslim doctors, both male and female and I’m wondering why they haven’t circulated the truth of these matters to their communities.

I wouldn’t even bother to tell your future husband that you’ve broken your hymen through sport, tampax use or anything. Not everyone is aware that they may even have a stretched or broken hymen!

You’re a virgin anyway because you’ve not yet experienced sex with a man. It’s as simple as that.

Karmen - posted on 04/12/2014

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You're a virgin. The definition of virgin is one who has not had sexual intercourse. You have not.

I highly highly doubt he will notice anything wrong with your vagina. Especially if he's a virgin too. He doesn't know what they're like, or what they're supposed to be like, and I don't think you can do much damage from a few masturabatory sessions.

The truth is, hymens are a myth.

Or rather, intact, virginal hymens that can "break" or "pop" inside of us don't exist.

Countless young women, myself included not so long ago, have fretted over what happens with the hymen during that inaugural vaginal intercourse, when the concern is scientifically futile. Hymens can't be broken because there isn't any kind of plastic wrap-like barrier sealing off the upper crevices of the vaginal canal like a Tupperware container of leftovers. In reality, if a girl's hymen is completely intact -- a rare medical occurrence -- she would need a hymenectomy, or incision in the tissue, to allow menstrual fluids and other discharge to exit the body. Despite that gynecological truth, that collective imagining of the hymen as a sacred seal persists.

In the womb, the hymen potentially serves as a protective barrier from germs and bacteria, but aside from that, scientists have yet to identify any significant physiological functions of the vaginal corona. Estrogen naturally primes the tissue to stretch and wear away as girls develop, and the shape and size also varies from person to person. Ironically, the least common coronal formation is the imperforate hymen that stretches all but completely across the vaginal canal - in other words, how we typically misconceptualize it.

By the time many women have sex, that vaginal corona may have devolved from a doughnut to an unnoticeable rubber band all by itself. Not to mention the myriad ways girls can stretch and tear the vaginal corona sans sexual activity, including bike riding, horseback riding, inserting tampons, masturbation and dancing.

But it seems you're more concerned about having your virginity for the man you marry. I assure you, you are most certainly a virgin.

Gena - posted on 04/13/2014

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I actualy do know abit about the muslim culture.But i also know for a fact that not every women bleeds when having their first time..So if a virgin muslim doesnt bleed while having their first time,what happens then? I mean its not the virgin womans fault... Shouldnt the husband love,treat and respect her well even if their was no blood..

Celeste - posted on 04/13/2014

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No, blood is not a sign of virginity. You haven't had sex, you are still a virgin. I think you're overthinking this. You have awhile until you get married. Cross that bridge when you get there

Michelle - posted on 04/13/2014

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Seriously, you ARE still a virgin!!!! You haven't had SEX!!!!! Go back to school and listen to the sex ed classes.

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Whitney - posted on 04/15/2014

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You shouldn't be thinking about sex at 12. Live your life and enjoy being a kid while you can.

Rebecca - posted on 04/14/2014

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1. Some girls are born without a hymen;

2. The hymen may tear naturally when a girl plays sports or engages in any physical activity;

3. The hymen is not always smooth but tends to be perforated and that the perforations may get bigger and cause the hymen to break once a girl menstruates;

4. The hymen can be broken by the use of tampons;

5. The hymen may be very small or very elastic so that no breakage occurs at all (some women even become pregnant while their hymens are still intact);

6. A hymen may not bleed when broken.

So pick a number and run with it ;) Or just tell him the truth, I might change the toothbrush for something else though... that might gross him out just a little. I did the same thing around the same age and told my fiance about it, he was cool with it but hes American and doesn't put much stock into the whole hymen thing anyway :)

Whitney, I am sure you didn't mean to offend anyone but having been molested at six, thinking about sex at 12 was the least of my problems. Please try to keep in mind not everyone can have that ideal childhood and some of us dealt with it the best we could.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/14/2014

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FIrst of all, you are a troll. Second of all, the hymen can go back if not stretched regularly so there is a good chance of the coveted bleeding on your first sexual intercourse.

[deleted account]

she can be accused of not being pure and have to prove she was a virgin. One would think in a perfect world the man would act like that. But there are those do not and if in the culture it is expected he would not act in a manner most western culture would approve of. It would have to be a man that trusts her word and does not fully expect that to happen.

[deleted account]

I don't think you people understand muslim culture. To the man they are taught to expect a woman to have some blood for her first time. When the hymen is torn during that initial penetration there is a tiny amount of blood, lots of women have it. So yes in all sense she is a virgin but to a muslim man if there is no drop of blood, since that has already happened, she is no longer has "proof" of being a virgin. And I did have a couple of drops my first time so there is something there that tears and bleeds. Not much but if a man is told to expect it he will.

I hope the man you marry would believe you, but I know that is not the case. You should tell him before the marriage. That way if he has a problem he can back out if the marriage before too much is planned. It would be better to tell him upfront that have him find out on his own, if he does.
But if you marry a non muslim do not worry and try not to worry about marrying a muslim man.

Gena - posted on 04/13/2014

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Oh ok,now i understand,You are still young,dont worry so much about it.You are still a virgin,you havent had intercourse,so you are a virgin.

[deleted account]

its ok, no im not gtting married, but since wht happened with me i was very worried about it, and once talked to my father about it and he said no the man will suspect smthing, u should replant ur hymen or smthing like that, but im afraid it will be painful surgery, and just becuz im worried i think all day about that time, when he will know ( i mean my husband) just becuz im worried i took up a whole week searching on google about the virginity thing till i found this site and asked ths qustion and just bcuz im 14 im worried that, that time will absolutely come, but when should i tell him on wedding night or after that night or before marriage? and if it's before marriage, how many days before the marriage should i tell him and how to start with him this subjct, (thnx for reading 2 long) :)

Gena - posted on 04/13/2014

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Sorry if i ask this,you are 14 and you are getting married.Arent you abit to young to get married?Do you want to marry this guy or do you have to?

[deleted account]

thnxx but wht if i had sex with my husband and no blood came out?? this is the only sign of virginity!!! :(

[deleted account]

@Amarylis Dutton. Wht if he doubt abut the tampon ? wht if he didnt believe me? is there a way to prove it for him and mke him believe me (im talking abt a muslm guy tht i would marry) :) thnxxx 4 the rply again

[deleted account]

well non muslim guys will not care, and some may like the truth if they are kinky.
But since you are embarrassed saying by it tampon would be fine. But non muslim men don't really care about that, if it is a muslim man you marry than you would probably want to tell him it was from a tampon just so he doesn't wonder.

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