hubby on dating sites

Nicole - posted on 01/07/2014 ( 39 moms have responded )

9

0

0

I found that my husband is going on 3 different dating sites. He says he was looking to see if I was there and just brushed it off as it was nothing. I'm hurt and confused because I work nights 12 hr shifts and I have never been on dating sites EVER!!!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jami R - posted on 01/14/2014

5

0

0

My first and now ex husband did this to me too! He signed up for a bunch but I found out because he gave e date the family email oops, auto enter can be a pesky thing lol. They sent him a PW it was juicy 1 LOL! They told him to make sure and edit what he had put on his profile. I read it, he asked for woman to come to a hotel for NSA sex. He answered all the questions about who or what he was looking for in a woman.He was very honest about his looks..not his marital status, I was crushed. I also worked nights like you and he worked days, we didn't see much of each other. But he did it when I wasn't working also so it's not an excuse, that I wasn't there. His reply was that he set it up as a joke.Then I got nosy and found more. His excuse was (this may sound familiar) he signed up for another one to see if he could catch me on them. Then proceeded to try and convince me that he found me on there and I sent him an email. If your looking for answers well he's lonely and wants people to talk to and flirt with. Probably some sex talk because your not being home at night has him feeling lonely and insecure. It's not your fault, I'd say your doing your best for your family working nights. If this is just starting maybe ultimately finding a job with his schedule would benefit you. As for us I came home early one night to surprise him and heard him on the phone with a girl. We were separated a month later.

Loving - posted on 01/09/2014

15

0

2

He is lying... that is just the quickest excuse that came to mind.. I have learned that if a man is lying about one thing, he is lying about much more.... especially when it comes to things like that! Even when you catch them red-handed they will lie and deny til the end of time! TRUST YOUR INTINCTS!!

Rebecca - posted on 01/12/2014

3

0

0

Nicole, it sounds like your husband is deeply unhappy with his own life and he is trying to find ways to feel good about himself. One way to feel good about himself is getting girls to flirt with him. Another way to feel good about himself is to make the people around him (you) feel lower (that way he is higher). He criticizes you and he tries to control your behavior.

Understand this is not about you -- it is about him. He needs to find meaning in his own life. Perhaps he is disabled but there are things that he can do to help others (even online). There are ways he can make healthy friendships. However, he is the only one who can make a decision to change this about his own life. If he is not willing to get help and change then he will always be putting you down. I recommend getting help in the form of coaching or self-help seminars. They might cost money, but divorce is much more expensive for sure. There are also many great books that can help.

Joanne - posted on 01/14/2014

8

0

2

Oh I never read any of the part bout the dating n porn sites guess will wait to see if she replies to us all .wow Jami Thompson that's intense

[deleted account]

(I don't think she's a 'terrible' person. We need to own up to what part of the mess is OURS and NOT totally blame the other person- as she and everyone else is doing here.)

This conversation has been closed to further comments

39 Comments

View replies by

JESSICA - posted on 06/28/2015

4

0

0

My husband of 1 mth started talking to other women on meetme.com and telling these stories and lies to get sympathy from other women for some reason. He tells me I have no business being on meetme but when I delete my acct. I check back to see if he deleted his accr. Sure enough he us back on the meetme acct cruising for girls.

Kandy - posted on 01/19/2014

2

0

0

My hubby is doing the same things. He made a fake account on Facebook. Then it progressed. He started going on dating websights. I am a stay at home mom. He works at night. He gas "alone times at night" when he comes home so we dont sleep in bed together. I found most of his dating sights on his phone. I have confronted himin the past and of course he gives me the he made it for someone else and wwhe I cought him talking to a girl via texts he said it was for his band. I am not a jealous person unless u give me something to be jealous for. Now everything he does I think he is cheating. I have not told him most of the stiff I found. I am concerned. Am I not doing enough. I love him and he had a horrible childhood.. am I not giving him the attention he needs. Confused and I need help before I explode and tell him I know everything. Oh also I dont think he has met up or had physical contact with any of these girls.

Jami R - posted on 01/15/2014

5

0

0

Sandy, Thank you for your comment. I feel bad for your friend. I was married 9 years, he was gone allot because he was Air force. We had 2kids. I think when things started getting boring for us we started drifting apart. I too encouraged porn, I was more sexual then him. I thought/hoped it would excite him/more intimacy. Allot of couples try this, I never included dating sites but I suppose some would.. if that is their thing, most of us have heard stories where couples bring in a third partner; but it rarely turns out well. When we moved to TX from AK, he took a Air Force job instructing, he didn't deploy as often worked. I decided to work nights, since he worked days to cut daycare costs.. I suppose the hours didn't help. Which is why, I suggest to Nicole that she try and change shifts. I may not agree with how she decided to spice up her marriage/her life, I don't really know the "whole" story to give that opinion and that's why, I am not labeling the whole matter as her fault 100% it takes two to tango. I just tried to help/respond to her by reading between the lines a bit. If she wants to save her marriage and shes jealous of his new found hobby, then she needs to talk to him about it. What ever made her decide to bring dating sites and porn into the marriage, maybe the under lining reason her marriage is in trouble now, it may of been in trouble a long time before that happened. We all reach a point if we are unhappy that we decide to try, sometimes taking drastic measures, if what we try doesn't work we feel like we fail and blame ourselves. At least that's what it sounds like she is doing, to me personally...I know I did, but at the same time I am so much happier now that I moved on, I don't condone divorce but for me personally, It worked out. I wish her good luck and hope it turns out for her. Reading back on this I decided I am talking about Nicole, as if she isn't going to read/see this. I wish you and your husband happiness Nicole whatever your future holds, Good luck!

[deleted account]

Ladies! Do you all really think that women are little innocent victims all the time? Women are not victims all the time, and it's not always the guys who start the garbage in relationships.
Wake up!
She said herself that the dating and porn sites were HER fault. Why are you sucking all of this up?
READ her post where she says it her fault. It was not just a facebook account, she said 'dating and porn sites'. Plain as day! Before you run to save someone from a fire, see who deliberately lit the match.
I can't believe you guys.

[deleted account]

Jonn- oh my gosh, why in the WORLD would you mention borderline????? She hasn't mentioned any such traits. That is so odd! How can you pull something like that out of thin air?

[deleted account]

I'm just wondering, why is everyone ignoring the fact that Nicole said that the dating and porn sites were her fault? (See my post below or go near the end and see her post).

I'm assuming we're all relatively intelligent women here... if a wife somehow started going on dating and porn sites.....now she dislikes her husband on these sites??? What's that all about?

Maybe he's simply doing this because she was doing this. Maybe he's getting back at her? What's up Nicole?

If you say that the dating and porn sites were your fault- no wonder he doesn't trust you either. There's always two sides to a story. You've showed us one side and only a speck of the other side.....? What's up with that?

[deleted account]

Jami- a gal I know- her husband did the same thing. Woman- hotel, yadayada. He was paying her as well, and he was on several dating sites. He accidentally left his computer on and went out! So she saw all the history and was horrified. Confronted him but he wouldn't stop.
You know what she did? She went and did the same thing to get back at him.
Wrong. Gross. Don't know why she lowered herself to his level. And they have 2 kids.

[deleted account]

Nicole- this is what you posted previously- what does this mean?

"Trust and communication is the key to a marriage and right now we have neither. I'm so hurt between the dating sites (which was my fault) to the porn sites( again my fault). I don't know how we can recover, depression is trying to peek it's nasty head, but I workout and keep my mind busy."

Why is it your fault? Did you start this and now can't stop it? I'm not trying to be mean, I would think this is part of the story though, part of the problem....maybe it's part of the solution as well.

Myrna - posted on 01/14/2014

3

0

2

Everyone deserve to be happy ..and to be with someone that love u and u love them god bless u and family and that The Lord help u do the right decision

[deleted account]

Lauren- there's no way that she would have access to his cell phone records, emails...all his phone records? Are you kidding me? All his passwords? I would never give all that information to anyone, not even my husband- when I am completely innocent of everything.
I would 'try' to get my husbands info. if I could, but there's no way a man would give all that info and passwords to his wife when he is on dating sites. And there's no way she can get all that other info. It would be nice though. It in indeed ugly when you can't trust your partner.
However- who started going on the porn and dating sites? Wife or husband? I am still waiting to hear from Nicole.

Lauren - posted on 01/13/2014

4

0

0

This is hard to hear, but I would probably say he is cheating or flirting with the idea. That's a pretty bad excuse "he was looking to see if you were on them"...umm hello? What was the most recent activity on his account? I would ask for his password to get on there and see what the activity is and who he has been talking to. If he says no and won't give you his password(s) then he's definitely doing something he shouldn't be or he wouldn't have anything to hide. He may have deleted everything after you asked him about it though. I'm not married but I am engaged and if I found out he was on a dating site, I'd do what I just said and I'd look at his cell phone, all phone records, e-mails, Facebook, EVERYTHING! And if he wouldn't let me do that, then I'd cut him loose! (Although I'm pretty computer savvy so I'd look anyways.) I know it's different because you're married w/children. But staying together JUST for the children isn't a healthy thing. Believe me my parents tried to stay together for us, and when they finally divorced I was like "Thank you Jesus!" Sorry if I was too blunt, but I just think it's better that you attack this (not him!) head on. Good luck and I hope that he is being truthful!

Lauren - posted on 01/13/2014

4

0

0

This is hard to hear, but I would probably say he is cheating or flirting with the idea. That's a pretty bad excuse "he was looking to see if you were on them"...umm hello? What was the most recent activity on his account? I would ask for his password to get on there and see what the activity is and who he has been talking to. If he says no and won't gib you his password(s) then he's definitely doing something he shouldn't be or he wouldn't have anything to hide. He may have deleted everything after you asked him about it though. I'm not married but I am engaged and if I found out he was on a dating site, I'd do what I just said and I'd look at his cell phone, all phone records, e-mails, Facebook, EVERYTHING! And if he wouldn't let me do that, then I'd cut him loose! (Although I'm pretty computer savvy so I'd look anyways.) I know it's different because you're married w/children. But staying together JUST for the children isn't a healthy thing. Believe me my parents tried to stay together for us, and when they finally divorced I was like "Thank you Jesus!" Sorry if I was too blunt, but I just think it's better that you attack this (not him!) head on. Good luck and I hope that he is being truthful!

Joanne - posted on 01/13/2014

8

0

2

I would sit and talk to him and ask why would he think you'd be on those dating sites and explain your not dumb and your not believing that. That its best to tell the truth so you's can work past it and when saying this try and make him feel comfortable to talk to u bout it to tell you all. Try stay calm and you can question what u feel is lies. Then work on from there best of luxk

Michelle - posted on 01/12/2014

4,566

8

3247

So really he's a control freak and it's a case of "do what i say, not as I do" with him.
Yes your children will be upset but they only have a few more years until they are out of home and living their own lives. You do deserve to be happy and move on with your life.
I always remember my grandmother telling me DON'T stay together just for the children. Her parents did and she said it was a very unhappy house to grow up in and as soon as the last child left home her parents divorced (back in the 50's it wasn't the done thing at all). She always wished her parents had divorced years earlier as it would have made a big difference.

Nicole - posted on 01/11/2014

9

0

0

I was never on porn or dating site. I did make a Facebook page without him knowing, but it was people I went to high school with( never anyone I dated). There was no flirting no chats...... nothing. He made me take it down, now he has one. He says he's getting even with me.

[deleted account]

Nicole- I absolutely think what your husband is doing is WRONG.
****BUT- you did not answer the question- why was the dating and porn sites YOUR fault?
Is there some major responsibility that is being dodged? I'm not judging, believe me, I screw up at times.
Were you caught on dating and porn sites by him and now he's doing the same and you're having a hard time dealing with it?

Nicole - posted on 01/11/2014

9

0

0

A big thanks for all who responded too my post. Its been a tough few weeks for me, putting a fake smile on at work and trying to make sense of this. We've been married for 14yrs, the marriage was great, but for the past 3yrs he has blamed me for everything you can think of. He is on disability and doesn't leave the house that much. We have two teenage boys and it would upset them if we separated, but I deserve to be happy and enjoy my life too.

[deleted account]

Big question here- (maybe I missed the answer)- why are YOU responsible for the dating and porn stuff?
Did you open up a nasty can of worms and are having a hard time shutting it?
I just want to understand the situation....

Xemoxprincessx - posted on 01/09/2014

34

0

4

Im sorry. i was going through the kinda the same thing. my bf/babys dad was on all these dating sites but he lied and said he didnt do it someone else did. he was doing all sorts of(what i would call cheating) online so i basically left him. i went to stay with my mom for a week then went and visited family in fl for 2weeks. he straightened up when i got back and we are going to couples counseling and im trying to find a way to forgive him for all the things hes done to be in the past year and half. we basically started over with our relationship in nov because everything before was just lies and faked.

Jennifer - posted on 01/08/2014

1

0

0

If when you look at his profile it shows his face or something he would enjoy (cause he may have been trying to hide and some sites you can keep profile pic private only available to friends), or he actually takes time to fill out and personalize the profile then i would worry. The best thing to do is demand immediately in front of you to let u in to the profile. If he doesn't then you have your answer. I would try and hall his account but I'm really good at stuff like that. I caught my bf doing the same with the same excuse. An email got sent saying so and so wants to talk to you. I clicked the link and it took me into profile no password asked. I looked at profile and there was a link to see who had checked him out and who he has checked out and he never looked at any profile. It was one of those meet singles to **** tonight so all the woman were scantily dressed. Most men would have checked it out. Plus the user name was my name plus a bunch of numbers because he accessed the site with my default email signed in so it generated a name. So yeah he actually was worried. R

Jonn - posted on 01/08/2014

26

0

1

Careful with giving advise on prying into someone's personal accounts, emails, and phones ladies. Look it up this is a federally offense. Now if she went out and did searches on her own without breaking into accounts, phones,mor emails,nits all fair game. Freedom of information act! But if you are doing this, please stop now and find another method. Lets keep ourselves cleans so if it ever goes to court we don't look bad, have to pay heavy fines, or time, shall we.

Jonn - posted on 01/08/2014

26

0

1

Hum, question. Is he verbally abusive as well, and may have a drinking problem? If so you may have bigger fish to fry. Look into BPD personality. How long have you been married?

Jonn - posted on 01/08/2014

26

0

1

He lied. Sorry, but he did. There's something deeper to this and why he's there. He many not have already cheated, but he's working on it.

I know this from experience, I was him. Yeah I'm going to look like the bad guy here. But I was in an abusive marriage, and I wasn't the one doing the abusing. I looked outside of our marriage to find what I was looking for. Not really a bigger better deal mind you, just some show of life, or that there was some life left in me. I never met any of these people, just talked, which was still wrong.

Try talking to your husband; if you still want it to work, and see what he has to say. Keep and open mind, and open ears as to what he is saying. The relationship is deficient of something that he needs. Maybe you both need.

Lana - posted on 01/08/2014

231

0

9

If it was his face and name. I'm calling Bs on the whole he was looking for you. If he's blowing you off that is an even bigger problem. Quality time in any relationship is essential. When was the last time the two of you were out just enjoying each other's company? I worked a 2-11 pm for a year or two and it damaged us prey bad. Change of shift and we couldn't be happier. If you can't get him to talk after a relaxing evening something really is missing.

Nicole - posted on 01/07/2014

9

0

0

Trust and communication is the key to a marriage and right now we have neither. I'm so hurt between the dating sites (which was my fault) to the porn sites( again my fault). I don't know how we can recover, depression is trying to peek it's nasty head, but I workout and keep my mind busy.

Nicole - posted on 01/07/2014

9

0

0

He constantly thinks I'm doing things behind his back( which is not true). I work the 3rd shift and sleep during the day. I searched for him because someone told me that if he is making these accusations, then he is trying to justify what he is doing. I was cheated on before and walked away, harder to do it with kids involved.

Jodi - posted on 01/07/2014

3,562

36

3907

Well, one of the signs of a cheating spouse is their accusations against you to deflect the attention from their indiscretion. Apparently it is very common. My ex used to make accusations all the time. I never really found out if he was cheating, and now I don't really care if he was, but it definitely brought distrust into our relationship, which, among other things, was never able to be repaired.

If your husband was making accusation against you before you checked online, then I would suggest there may be more to it. Maybe you could suggest to him that with the current lack of trust there is between you both right now, evidenced by recent events, maybe you should consider some counselling to nip it in the bud early, rather than allow the mistrust to fester and potentially ruin your relationship.

Nicole - posted on 01/07/2014

9

0

0

The trust issue for me is that I've been cheated on before and have low self-esteem. The only reason why I searched him is the accusations against me constantly, I was told that if I was being accused then more than likely he's doing whatever he's accusing me of. I work nights so he has a free for all on the internet.

Jodi - posted on 01/07/2014

3,562

36

3907

Ah, yes, the old "oh, I thought your were cheating on ME" line. It's usually a great cover up for whatever it is he is doing. Sorry, but I'd be pissed. Really pissed. Even if he WAS checking up on me (and I don't believe that for a minute), I'd be seriously pissed that he didn't trust me.

But I must also ask how you found him on there. There seems to be a lot of mistrust in your relationship. Is there a reason for this?

Chet - posted on 01/07/2014

2,093

0

587

I think there is a lot more going on here than can be summed up in a three line post.
What caused you to find out that he'd been on three different dating sites? Why were you even looking where you could find that sort of information? What caused him to think you might have been on dating sites? Or what caused him to say that instead of truth (if that wasn't the truth)? And why are you hurt? Because you think he's lying or because you think he thought you were visiting dating sites?
I'd say that no matter what you probably have relationship issues that need to be discussed honestly and constructively in order to get sorted out.

Nicole - posted on 01/07/2014

9

0

0

He has the pic that he uses for his Facebook page. I also found him on meet me.com. Again he said he was for me there too. Callls himself bigb and received email on my life saying an Aly is searching for him.

Lana - posted on 01/07/2014

231

0

9

I signed up on several sites under a fake name looking for my sister's ex fiancee. I found him on two. Lol. That's why he's an ex. On your issue I would be concerned if it was his real name and photo... if you found "flirts" in his email I would see where they lead, but if it comes up fake name, fake picture then I wouldn't be concerned that he was cheating. Just saddened that he thought I was.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms