Hubby still doesn't want to tell kids they are adopted!

Jennifer - posted on 06/19/2011 ( 6 moms have responded )




My first husband, the bio father of my first two kids was a horrible person. Thank goodness I was able to get the kids away from that situation and remarry. When my oldest (Curtis) about 4, and my second (Olivia) was 3, my hubby adopted them. Curtis was 2.5 the last time he saw his bio father and Olivia was just barely 1. I'm pretty sure Curtis remembers some of it, but I doubt Olivia does. I don't think he remembers enough to put 2 and 2 together, but certainly enough that he's probably confused. I wanted to be open with the kids the whole time. I didn't want them to ever feel like we are trying to hide something from them, but DH has been so dead set against saying anything. I honestly don't know why, but he's afraid that as soon as we tell them about it, they are going to want to find my ex (who's probably in prison). This isn't something I can just go behind my husband's back about, so I haven't said anything to the kids even though in my heart I feel it is wrong to not tell them. Last week, Curtis had his 7-year check up. The doc started asking questions about family history, since my ex had marfan's syndrome. She kept asking a bunch of questions that I couldn't answer, and she asked if I could find out. I finally just had to flat out tell her that the bio father wasn't in the picture and I didn't know where he was. She and I had become a little close after my youngest had a lot of health issues this last winter, and she asked (more out of a friend asking in concern) if my ex could ever come back to fight for the kids and I had to tell her no, my husband has adopted them, right in front of my son. After leaving the office, I called my husband and told him all about it and said that we really need to sit down with the kids and explain this. His answer was that he doesn't think Curtis would have realized what we were saying in the office, and we shouldn't sit down and talk. Seriously! I flat out in front of my son, had to say no the biological father isn't around and my husband has adopted them. My son is not slow in anyway, and I'm certain he knew exactly what we were saying. I'm sure the poor little boy is so confused now if he wasn't already, and we really need to sit down with him. I don't feel right doing it behind my husband's back, but what else can I do?


JuLeah - posted on 06/19/2011




Kids follow your lead. If you hide in shame, they will feel there is something to be ashamed about. If you keep a secret, they will learn there is something wrong with them, or the situation ... again shame. Family secrets are never good for anyone.

Your son did know, but has also learned to keep the secret.


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Louise - posted on 06/20/2011




My advice is tell the kids whilst they are young to be open and above board. They really wont care that much I promise you. if you wait until they are teens then you are going to have a problem as they are already dealing with teenage angst. Children adapt so quickly. Don't make an issue out of it just matter of factly tell them that there daddy chose them but did not make them like other daddies. if they know they are loved then honestly how they got here will really not be an issue.

Jenn - posted on 06/20/2011




For heavens sake, don't let it go on as such a secret when your son obviously knows some, if not all, the truth. My dad gave me up when I was 4. My mom remarried and. He adopted me when I was five. I remember it but never spoke of it. For whatever reason, it wasn't brought up in my family..ever. Then my little brother did the math one year at my parents anniversary and even then, the question was vaguely answered and the family returned to secrets. I hated it. Made me angry towards my mom that she was trying to pretend we were a nuclear family...and that I had to feel guilty about having questions I couldn't get answers to since it might make adoptive dad feel bad. It wasn't my fault bio dad left and I had a right to know about my life and origins! Talk to your husband and together you should talk to your son. Your husband did a kind, loving thing in adopting your children...let your son know that! He will not love your husband any less. Kids know far more than we give them credit for.

Sadie - posted on 06/19/2011




It sounds like you know what you want to do, you need to sit your husband down and explain how you feel and get him to talk about why he is so adamant about not telling them. I was adopted when I was 5, slightly different in that my father passed away when I was 2. IMy mum was always open about the situation and it was never an issue. My step dad was the one there when we were upset or hurt, he was also the one that cared if we did well at school. Your son probably did hear and is figurung out things on his own. This is a good opportunity for him to find out that he can come to you with any questions about anything. Good luck, I hope it works out well for you all.

April - posted on 06/19/2011




Get to the root of WHY your husband doesn't want to tell the kids they are adopted. You said you weren't sure why, so ask him! It's important. You need to know what his worries are so that you can make him feel better and lead him over to your side.

Krista - posted on 06/19/2011




The longer it goes, the harder it'll be to tell them. Maybe it's worth making an appointment with a family counsellor to talk it over with him and address his concerns. Maybe, where the kids' bio-dad is bad news, he's doing this out of concern and doesn't want them to get hurt. But if he DOESN'T tell them, then the odds are very good that they'll feel hurt and betrayed, which very well might drive them straight towards their bio-dad...which would kind of defeat the purpose, no?

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