Hurt by In-laws reaction (or lack there of) to our pregnancy news

Morgan - posted on 11/13/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )

10

0

3

My Husband and I are expecting our 3rd child. We were a bit surprised and wanted to maybe wait a little bit longer, but we always knew that we wanted a 3rd little one. At this point we know how it happens and we weren't really preventing it, so I guess that we shouldn't be too surprised. :) We currently have two little boys, 3.5 years old and a 12 months old. I felt the need to reach out for the first time to vent and get feedback and input from you other Mommies out there. I feel like my husband is hurt when I go to him with this issue, because he assumes that I don't like his family. I am frustrated and hurt by my in-laws, both my Mother (MIL) and Father in-law (FIL) and my Brother (BIL) and Sister in-law (SIL). The history is this: On our first pregnancy...it was unexpected and my husband and I were not married at the time. However, after the initial shock, we were thrilled, we were 27 years old, in a committed and secure relationship, and financially stable, so we felt that all would be ok and saw that pregnancy as an unexpected gift. I could not imagine my life without my sweet 3 year old boy. However, when we told my future in-laws my FIL's first reply to my future husband was, "is it yours?". How is this at all an appropriate response? I kind of laughed it off at the time but it has always bothered me. To add to it my future SIL was also pregnant and due a month before me. My BIL called my MIL after finding out our news and asked that they not treat his wife any less special because this was something that she wanted for a long time and now she had to "share" her moment. I was shocked at this reaction. This happiness couldn't be shared? Fast forward to baby number two. My MIL and FIL reacted more appropriately to that news. But when my Husband told my BIL his reaction was, "Well we may have them close together again because we are trying too." Great! Could he have possibly said congratulations??? He never did, neither did my SIL. Later we found out that they had been trying for several months and were worried because nothing had happened. But were we not aware at the time and I was really hurt. Skip ahead to present day. They are still not pregnant. My BIL was diagnosed with a varicocele (a type of varicose vein located in the testicles) this is thought to be causing them fertility issues. A couple of months ago he had it surgically removed and they are hopeful that this helps them get pregnant. I have expressed to them that while I can not really understand, I am here for them and I am sure it must be difficult. Even though they have a 3 year old little boy, I know they would like to give him a sibling and add to their family. I have tried to be thoughtful and aware of their feelings. So I am wondering is it wrong that deep down I am really hurt that they cannot muster up any type of congratulations for me once again? I feel like my in-laws are so concerned with waiting on news from them that they were not that excited for us. My husband went and told my BIL one on one to be respectful of their feelings. My BIL told my husband that it is a happy thing and we don't have to tiptoe around them. But the fact that neither my BIL or SIL has reached out to congratulate me, contradicts that statement. I am not sure how to act. I truly believe that they will have another child again, they are 28 years old, they do have some time, and I think it will work out for them. When it does we will all do backflips with excitement. In the meantime I am sad that I feel like we can't celebrate us a little. My family lives far away and husband's family is all I have out here and I wish things could be different between us. But right now I don't even want to be around them. Am I wrong? Am I not being sensitive enough? Really I want honest thoughts and feedback because I am driving myself crazy and I don't want to cause problems with my husband over this.

4 Comments

View replies by

Morgan - posted on 11/13/2014

10

0

3

@ Sarah - Thank you for your response and thoughtful insight. Your words do help me change my perspective a bit. I guess I was looking for some acknowledgement to me directly and not necessarily the exact words "congratulations" but perhaps some nice sentiment or well wishes. Because of our past and somewhat rocky relationship, I felt it would have been nice if he or she or both had reached out to me after hearing our news from my husband. But that may be looking too deeply and for too much. My BIL may feel as though he expressed happy sentiment through my husband. Thank you, that is helpful.

As for the reaction to the first pregnancy, I do try to let it go and then when a new issue arises it brings up old hurt feelings. I know that is not healthy or fair to anyone. My husband and I both have some hurt feelings over things that have occurred throughout the past couple of years, and I am sure they do as well. It creates an obvious tension in the relationship. We truly would love to sit down and work things out but we don't know how to initiate it without starting drama or a fight and we don't want to make things worse. I come from a family that hashes things out and then moves on as we get things out in the open. My husband's family does not do this, and sometimes I believe it would help us all to just lay it all out there and move on.

Morgan - posted on 11/13/2014

10

0

3

@ Jodi - I appreciate your honest feedback and I did ask for it. Perhaps, I am too sensitive, I certainly would not disagree with this. I do have to make a conscious effort to not take things personally, at times, or read too much into a situation. I think that I expect things out of others that I know I do give and would give to them. Being a cross the country from my own family, I had hoped that I would be closer with my husband's family and I am disheartened that I am not. I do accept some blame in this because I am sure that part of it is me holding on to things and being too sensitive.

I actually never said that I understand their situation...in fact I said that I cannot really understand but that I am trying to be thoughtful and aware. I have spent some time researching secondary infertility to try and possibly grasp what they are going through. I can imagine it is difficult because they do have one child while many couples struggling have none, but they so desperately want to grow their family. I obviously cannot understand as I have not had these experiences. But I do not believe that I claimed to understand this is any breath.

As for it just being a pregnancy. You are correct, it is that and people do get pregnant and have babies everyday. It in itself is truly no real accomplishment or wonder. So while I would not expect a stranger such as yourself to throw me a parade and I certainly never asked for anyone to give me a song and dance. I guess when it comes to bringing a new life into a family and welcoming a new member, which is ultimately what a pregnancy results in, I do think that family members can offer well wishes or some sort of acknowledgement to the expecting mother.

I am very much enjoying my moment, thank you. I simply said I feel like others are not celebratory with us they way we would be with them.

PS. All caps are not ever necessary to get a point across they actually indicate shouting.

Jodi - posted on 11/13/2014

3,560

36

3907

In one breath you are saying you understand your BIL and SIL's situation, and in another you can't understand why they can't muster up any excitement for you. Clearly you DON'T understand what it is like to want a baby so very badly but not have successes while other people around you are so easily falling pregnant.

Are you not being sensitive enough? I think you are being TOO sensitive about how other people perceive your pregnancy. It's just a pregnancy. People have babies every day. It's your third. No, you may not have to step on eggshells around them, but don't expect a song and dance from them. Your feelings that you CAN'T celebrate, are your feelings. No-one said you can't or shouldn't. Nothing in your post indicates that anyone said you can't enjoy your moment.

Sarah - posted on 11/13/2014

3,879

14

1082

I think you are looking too deep into it. I think in many ways your BIL did say congrats by saying he was happy for you and that you don't have to tiptoe. Not everyone says the words Congrats, which I think is a good thing. Congrats is just like the words "Fine" or "Good" when someone asks "How you are?". It is an expected response and a response that often times has not thought or meaning behind it. From my perspective your BIL saying that he was happy for you is a more personal and well meaning congrats. I think if you would have had a different reaction with your first some of these things you would not look so deeply into what is being said or not being said. One thing to remember with your first is that they were reacting to the situation.....Some things may have been said by others that they now wish had not been said as they have gotten to know and fall in love with you.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms