Hurting

Linda - posted on 01/09/2016 ( 10 moms have responded )

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My son is 44 and lives with me. We are at odds because he is dating a married woman and brings her to my home for their meetings. I have explained many times this is against my religious beliefs and makes me uncomfortable. He has criminal background and does not work so he lives here free. It came to a head when I told him no more. I am single and retired. Now he is not talking to. I am so sad. Please help

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Jodi - posted on 01/10/2016

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Meh, you're not old! You have a life to live yet!!! Don't let him suck that out of you. Yes, we feel responsible for our kids' choices, I get that, but we honestly have to take a step back sometimes and realise we can't own their behaviour as adults. They make choices, they have to live with them. Just as we have.

Linda - posted on 01/10/2016

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Thank you Jodi. You made an old lady smile. Thought I had forgotten how to do that.😂

Jodi - posted on 01/10/2016

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Do you have a good relationship with their mothers? If so, then there is little stopping you from just telling him to get out. Stop bailing him out. I know it's hard, but connect with the grandchildren, and let him know you can't be his constant bail out. He needs to grow up. Heck, he's nearly my age. I'd be horrified if my parents were still bailing me out! I expect more from MY adult children.

Linda - posted on 01/10/2016

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The children live with their mothers who have moved on but will let me be with them whenever I want. They rave about being the best grandma ever. There are 5 children by 3 different mothers. He had a great life even though his father disappeared the day I told him I was pregnant. I retired from a major company that I worked at for 38 years. He was convicted of both charges and in total served 24 years on 2 separate sentences.both times I was a constant visitor and I took his children with me. He just got out November 2 and now he wants this lady in my house. She lives in our area,is still with her husband, and she has a litre girl. She comes over everyday for about an hour after work and weekends sometimes up to 6 hours each day. I am behind in bills because when he was to be released this last time they was going to re-arrest him for back child support. I paid the bond and the courts kept my money and gave it to his child support. Did nor know this could happen. I had to take out a loan to get my mortgage caught up so now this is another 12 month expense. Lastly as I struggle to keeps things in order and he tells me it makes him feel bad when I talk about how I cannot pay something I walk out my bedroom to find him and this woman sitting at my table eating my food. I blew up now the silent treatment is unbearable.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/09/2016

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It sounds like you are supporting everyone in the house on the fixed income. If he is not bringing in money, he cannot stay. He needs to leave. Can the kids stay with you> Where is the mother?

Sarah - posted on 01/09/2016

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In addition to Jodi's advice; he may be able to find work thru a temp agency. If he can get a short term position and impress a potential employer it could lead to long term work. If nothing else he will start building a work history to prove he can be a reliable employee. How long ago were his charges and was he actually convicted?

Jodi - posted on 01/09/2016

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Ah, there are children in the picture. That makes it even more difficult for you, because consequences on the father impact the children.

My suggestion would be to draw up a "rental" agreement. In order for it to be a contract, there has to be some form of consideration, but that consideration could be $1 or it could be that he has particular things he needs to do around the house (eg. mowing lawns) in exchange for the roof over his head. In that agreement, you spell out the house rules clearly, and you both read through it and sign it. Have a clause in the agreement that if he breaks house rules, he will have an opportunity to rectify or be given 30 days notice to move out.

If it is clear in an agreement, then there are no disputes and you also have recourse if he refuses to move out if it comes to that.

It is always advisable to have a rental agreement if you have adult children living with you.

Just keep in mind that you can't control what he puts on his social media. It is normal to have pictures with girlfriend/boyfriend on social media. While you can disapprove, you can't dictate his social media posts.

Is this woman still living with her husband? What is your son's explanation about that situation?

Linda - posted on 01/09/2016

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He is looking but due to 2 felonies he is either turned down or has no experience. Yet I try to help him but when things do not go his way he shuts me out. I am so sad and had I reads this from another I would have told them the same thing. Christmas was so sad. I used my fixed income to buy his kids presents and still it is not enough . Jodi thank you. What a sweetheart you are to help. He has moved in with one of his daughters for now and the anxiety is lower but I feel like I am a failure as a mother. Oh, he also posted pictures of him and this lady on Facebook. I feel if you are doing this have you own place. This husband could follow her and take revenge on me too. It honestly scares me and when I say something he says I look at too much investigative I.D.

Jodi - posted on 01/09/2016

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If your son can't be respectful of you (i.e. disrespecting your household rules and beliefs, not talking to you, acting like a 6 year old), then time for him to move out. Sorry, but he is 44. It's time for him to stand on his own 2 feet. You are not doing him any favours by allowing him to live with you anyway. You are actually enabling him. Why does he not have a job? Is he out looking for work?

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