husband cannot defend my rights in front of his family, :(

Sarah - posted on 04/09/2013 ( 14 moms have responded )

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I am a 38 yr old 10yrs married. My problem is my habit of saying the truth and following principles. My husband shows care for me with his words. I show care for him with words and actions. My husband fulfils my wishes and demands, but when a matter of comparison comes he gives priority to his mother. After marriage he was working hard to save for our future, which took him 2yrs to build our own house and 5yrs to buy car... Now we started a rough saving plan for our only child but his sister who asked him for money 6yrs ago $2400 to pay her own debt is not yet fully paid until now and started only to pay on installment just lsat yr..but still my ambisous sis in law keep on living her luxurious life she ..keep on buying things for their home rather than paid us... My husband also contributes #200 monthly to his mother as an allowance same amount what he gave me monthly... Once i'am the one needy to buy things keep on saying unlikely words and insisting me to save money . My dispute is that why does he spent all on his parents/sisters and when the time comes, for me his wife ..he had no money ..and nothing is left for me? .He is the only working and since she cant afford nanny im the one who set back and do the housewife material.. But is it justifiable that he is the earner and im helping save money for our future desires and when we have it, his alowing his parents to ask for the savings which we have done, inspite of the fact that my husband gives a monthly share to them.

Also an issue came. 6yrs ago . My mother in law neighbor was borrowing money from them but since they have no regular income they help the neignbor to ask from husband coz at that time we have many extra budget saving for our house extension.., without my knowledge my husband lend them money and promised them to pay for certain time....it just come out when we visit in laws one time..the neighbor saw me and kept on thanking me from helping them..maybe they didint know that i didnt knew the borrowing issue..its not that i dont want to help..its just that they hide that to me..what do they think of me..?? a fool one who will not discover any secrets like that?? im surprised and shocked when neighbor told me..and for my in laws not to be embarassed..i told neighbor ok i understand what i dislike most is hiding money matters) and I was told barely weeks after they borrowed... and when i asked just the only time they admitted to me..

I was heart broken. My trust was destroyed. My sense of security was destroyed. My husband says that he will compensate for this. But can broken trust be compensated with money? I told my husband that your mother hide to me and him my husband too.. and that this kind of tradition i dislike from my in laws keep they on hiding secrets..even im just the housewife and not earning money its my right to know everything isnt it???. He then told me how bruttaly frank i amfor calling his mother so disrespectful to me. I think that no law or no religion says to apologize for speaking the truth. I told him that the compensation would be to go to his mother and tell her in a decent way that this practice was wrong on her part to intrude in our money matters even if they knew we have lots savings..bec its our decision to lend anyone and not them..

Please guide in this regard, keeping in mind that I have given every possible respect to my mother in law, never raised my voice in front of her, and at the same time she has given me due respect when we see face to face..but when im not present they keep on intruding to my husband decision..and her attitude is unfair between me and her other daughter in law, which I constantly tell my husband, but he says that its out of his hands...because im 10yrs in their family but they keep on avoiding me to help in the kitchen and other housechores..but with my new sis in law they her to cook and clean the house..

I feel that if he cannot give me due place in his family and always says that it’s not in his hands. Then he should stay in his mother house, and me stay in our own house where I can protect my respect and from then on he should inform me anything about our money matters.. but this is taken as a evil thought by him and he says that I want quarrels to develop in his family by saying this.

I feel great hatred for my husband because his attitude was unfair and angry with me, beat me most of the time everytime i said something true about his mother and siblings. Now this has happened, I also hate his mother and siblings also bec last yr we are hospitalized me and my 3yo adopted daughter bec of dengue for a week(wednesday to monday)..most of them didnt showed up in the hospital ( even in our home when we where discharged ) evenjust for a minute except for mother/father/1 uncle/1 aunt in law (from my husband side) while 80 persons on my side...but the baptism of my bro in law son was being attended most of their relatives.. they treat us differently..they have a special treatment to their newly born grandson "their full blooded new grandson" just compairing. because all along I have been treating her as my mother, but now I am depressed bec of them. I cannot imagine to go and visit them that often since the hospital issue ...and just recently my sisiter in law borrowed dresses to me she told me she will used it in her seminar but when i saw the pix on facebook she just used my expensive dress in ordinary event of her kids..considering she has worked and her husband too..me im the housewife but still too wise for her to borrowed from me my limit number of dress,,

May God guide me. I beg to God for guidance. I may not be a very good human. But I follow all the basic christian actions. I am destroyed mentally. I also hate my husband for spoiling my in laws. My husband has spoiled all the major events of my life, bec most of the time im absent with my relatives occasions just to pay visit to his family...

How can I force myself to visit and attend their occasion?. They has broken my trust. He always tries to backfire and put the blame on me by reminding me of saying hurtful talks about his family which is for thats the reality..They were keep on repeating mistakes..disrespects me and abuse my kindness to them..

I have to obey my husband’s orders but what am I supposed to do when my husband’s orders are only those to please his mother and family. If I want to go some where and initially my husband agrees and later refuses because his mother tell him he missed him and wanted us to visit us and sometimes cry and ask for mercy .. Am I supposed to give him his rights when he exerts his effort to his mother’s wishes?

I pray to God to take my life and free me from all the hearaches of this world.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 04/09/2013

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He needs counseling and you need counseling too . If he is not willing to do therapy then he doesn't care one bit about you. If he realizes his wrong doings and wants To get help then there is hope for him , but if he likes the way things are and doesn't care to change his behavior then he needs to hit the bricks . You still should go to counseling even if he refuses . You need to get the Years of feeling worthless and disrespected washed from your mind so one day you will be able to recognize Whst you deserve . A woman who feels like you will only continue to attract men like your husband , but if you learn how to feel confident and empowered you will attract a whole different species of man ( the good kind) I wish for you that you are able to recognize what love really is and that you have the belief that you deserve that and are empowered to go get it

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 04/09/2013

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You are never ever the reason why anyone does these sort of things . You not being able to conceive in not the reason why your husband is a snake . He should be empathetic and more loving knowing how badly it hurts you that you haven't been able to get pregnant . Please listen , your little girl is going to Grow up and think that this behavior is normal and that's how things look when people love each other . Is that what u want her to think love is ? Do u want her to see a sad mommy who feels so unworthy ? Your job is too teach that little girl what real love looks like so one day she is married to a good man . A child's father is the man that they base Whst a father and husband are supposed to be , so right now she thinks a man is supposed to be abusive , disrespectful , and controlling so what do you think her chances are of finding an abusive , disrespectful , and controlling husband are? They are a lot higher than a kid that grows up with a healthy home life . You are also the person she will think moms and wives are supposed to be. Do you want her thinking wives let themselves be neglected and abused and sad? No way , she needs to see you as empowered , loving , happy , and as a strong woman so she can grow up knowing What a woman deserves to feel like.

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 04/09/2013

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Wait , I Just retread the post and realized you said he beat you when u mentioned something true about his family !? Am I reading this right, oh dear God I hope not . Honey if that is the case you need to run like hell. There is zero hope in teaching him anything about respect if he has taken it too a physical level . He is not loving and protecting you , he is controlling you through mental , physical , and emotional abuse. Please listen sweetie , he might have you so mentally beaten down that you might feel so unworthy of anything better , but that's so incredibly not true . You are a human being and deserve To be loved and respected. Do you really want To live the short time you have on this earth in hell? No you don't and you will be in a living hell until you get out. It will be hard and scary at first but the freedom and feeling of self respect and relearning that you are worth while will be soooo rewarding ! I'm very very concerned for you please email me at dmemmiegirl78@gmail.com if you need support or just someone who cares

14 Comments

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Des - posted on 12/27/2013

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i have to threaten my husband to open his mouth, his family come to our house dont greet me then still i have to prepare a meal?? WTF I asked my husband of 10years for a divorce because i just cant take his family.... I fully agree with the previous statement the in-laws treat you according to how your husband does.

This is the only short coming in our marriage and I am not sleeping with my husband anymore I simply dont see the point. I am willing to move on I am making plans to take my kids and move out.

Sarah - posted on 04/10/2013

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how did i know that she bought 2 dress for her seminar?.. she posted the pictures on her facebook wearing gown and cocktail dress on the said seminar...she has many debts from us not yet paid but keep on buying expensive dress..u know my husband is really a spoiler to his siblings..she has a very soft heart that when her sister are borrowing with matching crying to death drama my husband immediately giving in....and that the start of our marital issues..when im giving negative comments to his siblings abusive siblings he is defending them again and again..whew! what will i do..im not a war freak person who will confront her siblings for their wrong actions coz i dont want to create a scandal in their community..what will i do..is it ok if i will be strict to her family when borrowing issues? pls help me

Sarah - posted on 04/10/2013

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why is it like that? before im very patient with them..but my patient now is drain already towards them..

i keep on laughing at the same time upset of what my sis is acting...

mar2 my sis in law txted me that she wanted to borrowed the blue dress i wore in my sis wedding and she ask 1 more extra dress for her seminar last apr5..and 1 extra dress for her daughter school event mar16

mar10 i lend her..and upon i handed my 3dresse(the blue one and 2 extra) to her she said..whew! im relief no worry anymore...and she told me that the one she wanted to borrow the blue dress will be use by her daughter bec she like it.....and txtback to me after 3hrs she told me that she went to the store where i bought my blue dress (the one she borrowed) and saw the price and since its xpensive she wait for the store to have on promo w/c happen 5 days later and bought a dress on disccount activity..same style like mine the blue dress that she borrowed from me but in another color...

mar16 she posted a pic wearing my blue dress(not her daughter like what she said) and make it a profile pic..(and the seminar was apr5 and not yet over) ..moreover she was also wearing my 2 other dress in her office and her daughters event school...and her daughter was wearing a new one ..my sis told me maybe she just shy on asking whats the brand of the dress thats why she borrowed it well in fact she bought dresses for her seminar and and for her daighter..

mar31 im shocked she return to me the 3 dresses to me which she told me she will wear it in a seminar april5 (and the seminar is not yet over)..

in my upset mode i told her that dont return my dress anymore just give the dress to her daughter so that when she will need again she has my dress. but no she reply..so i get back my dress...what my point is she keep on lying just to borrow someting...before, she also borrowed money to me and told me to pay on specific date..but later she will txt back to me and ask for another months bec she will pay first her uncle....she keep on lying and not doing her word..my trust is broken even if she was the sis of my husband..i dont want to help her again..pls enlighten me??

Sarah - posted on 04/10/2013

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as of this moment i saw picture from facebook and my sis in law commenting "i miss all guys tou our group pic" im just wondering why? its bec bday of her daughter..and we didnt come coz they celebrate in out of town and we have some personal matters to attend to...maybe she was just saying that so that we will visit them and give some gifts to her daughter..huh! nowadays im not really making effort to go there in their place coz when we are in the hospital bed they have so many reasons for not vsiting us and i cant really move on with that immediately..coz when they dont want nothing from us they are very silent no txt and all that..but when they want really bad something from us they keep on posting comments like that..my friends told me to be not so kind to them coz they are just abusing me always..

Sarah - posted on 04/10/2013

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Danielle=Thanks a lot..weve been spoken that before and he dont want to go..but yesterday i tell him again and he said he want to go to counselling..and i said i will not believe him unless we go immediately..coz he told me before and he didnt pursue coz he will be good again for a couple of weeks and then go back to old habits..its just everytime or mostly when i say truth about his family members who are very closed to him and my in-laws are very demanding from his time and before from his money bec before we have really lots of savings coz he got big commisions from his job....but now just minimal only...this issue keep on repeating coz i give him chance..2nd,3rd,4th..so on..but now im really fed up..last 2wks i didnt spoke to him for a week coz he keep on defending her abusive,social climber sister..may God forgive me for saying that coz i dont have anyone to turn to asade from my family, best friend and you..coz my husband isnt listening to my sentiments..really blood is sticker than water...isnt it...

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 04/10/2013

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Hello Sarah , I've been praying for you and I hope your ok. Have you thought about anything we have spoken about ? Will u ask your husband about counseling , and look into counseling for yourself also?

Sarah - posted on 04/09/2013

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thanks so much for those enlightening words of you..pls continue giving me insights..i need them badly at his dark days of our married life..

Sarah - posted on 04/09/2013

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im very frank and honest person..i just telling the truth on how i see my in laws..thier wctions are abusive many times..he doesnt like that..and he still insits me to attend family ocasions..how can i go there..?? i dont feel happy anymore making effort to go to them since in my crucial stage when im hospitalized they have tons of reasons/excues for not visiting me and my daughter(we are admittedat the same time) and only the uncle/aunt and mother father in law visited for just 2-3hrs...and my parents abrothers and sisters some are working some are still studying including my friends and relatieves who came rushed to the hopsital just to see us..and my in laws ignore me?? and he wanted me to understand that right a way and move on! yes i understand if only some of them didnt make it..but my very own bro /sis in law they didint showed up but they attend their true blooded nephew baptism...but us even for a minute they dont spare a minute to see us if we are alive or not..but when they need money or anything they want to borrowed they keep on texting/call or make some good comments on facebook..after that..no more!

Sarah - posted on 04/09/2013

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YES EVERYTIME HIS FAMILY DONE SOMETHING WRONG AT ME AND I TOLD HIM>>HE WOULD DEFEND THEM AND IF STILL MAKING ARGUE AND I CANT CONTROL MY FEELINGS MY VOICE BECOME LOUDER FOR HIM TO HEAR THAT IAM ANGRY HE SLAPED ME IN MY FACE OR SOMETIMES KICKED ME AND THE NEXT DAY I HAVE BRUISES>>IVE KEPT THIS FOR TEN YEARS>> maybe im so stressed thats why i cant be able to get pregnant..before i thought bec i cant give him a child thats why he is always hottemperes..thats why i accept his offer when he asked me if if i want to adopt..now our adoptive ddaughter is 3yo.. so sad still he is not yet changing for the better..btw, my husband told me before he was grew in a family where in parents are quarelling the same as we did now..

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 04/09/2013

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Wow, first things first your husbands family gets their cues on how to treat you from him and their is NO if , ands , or buts about that. Your husband is treating you like the lesser person In your marriage, and his family sees that and treats you the same. I have an extremely bossy mother in law who try's to control the way I raise my daughter among every other decision I make. My husband saw these actions and told his mother that I am the most important person and no one will ever disrespect me including her , and that's the truth he would knock someone out for looking at me wrong ! It's total bs that he has no control over how his fame treats you , they are watching how he disrespects you by making important financial decisions without you and basically saying you have zero say in important aspects of your life . My husbands attitude about me is that i am his queen and everybody shall treat me that way , and guess What honey they do! I'm so angered reading this post, bc no wife should ever feel that their husband isn't willing to do anything to protect them which includes protecting their feelings from his family. I can't imagine not having the security of knowing my husband was always on my team and feeling like he was throwing me out To the wolves ! You deserve better my friend , and it does exist bc I have it. His family will never stop treating you like this until he stops treating you like that! They will see by his actions that he won't put up with anyone treating you so disrespectfully and it will stop , but it won't until he learns a little lesson in respect himself

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