Husband having daddy problems

Amber - posted on 09/12/2015 ( 14 moms have responded )

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My husband is a great dad but he can't do anything without my help. I'll ask him to get our son ready for bed while I clean and then I end up having to do everything. Sometimes I can't even count on him to change poopy diapers! If my son is crying I have to get him and soothe him because his dad can't. I am never separated from my baby, I never ever get a break. Advice please!

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BobbiJean - posted on 10/01/2015

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Amber, I can relate to your situation 100 percent. I am a mother of 5 children the oldest is going to be 12 and the youngest is 2 and they all have the same father. After I came home from the hospital with my oldest, I seen what my baby's father was all about. I was in hard labor with no medication to reduce the amount of pain for 18 hours, after being in labor for 18 hours and pushing for 1 hour, the doctor came in saying he had to do a emergency c-section. Well when I was able to come home with my baby, all the father wanted to do is work, come home, shower, eat and than bed. There was not a minute that went by that I was away from my child. At first I thought it was normal because he was working and I just was at home taking care of our house and our child. After, I had my fifth c-setion, I was told that I wasn't able to have any more children. When I came home from the hospital with my youngest child, my babies father was the same way as he was. He would't change a diaper or hold the baby while I cleaned, it was so upsetting that he wouldn't hold the baby while I had to use the bathroom. I was not able to shower until 1 am when I had gotten all the kids to bed. Having 5 children and taking care of a man also and making sure my chores were done before I had the chance to actually eat something or lay down. It drove me into depression that I wish on anyone to come down with. I had to seek a shrink 6 mouths after my youngest was born because I couldn't deal with it anymore. I lost respect for myself and lost everything (believed in faith) I believed in. After I had talking to the shrink, her name is Pam, she put everything in perspective for me. I truly believe if you would talk to someone it would really help you. I don't want to see you lose your mind because your child needs you. I know for a fact that is not healthy not getting a couple away from your child. If your husband does not want to help in matters please get a friend of yours you trust to watch your child for a couple hours. either to take a drive or walk to have you time. It is very important to have you time because your child will feel that your stressed and they will get stressed. I am hoping that I could help you out and if you ever need to talk message me.
Bobbi-Jean

Eixu - posted on 09/18/2015

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Hmmm.... You should be firm, and tell him how to do the chore you want him to do. Don´t do for him. And if you need a break (which all of us sometimes do) leave him a list to things to do. And trust him to do them. Go and have fun and return home rested and ready for the home. If he doesn´t do them, let him have it. You´re not a robot. Or a maid and everybody should contribute. Tell him how you feel and say that he just can´t always rely on you to do everything.

Andy - posted on 09/12/2015

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As a husband and a dad i have my wife in some area not to help because i am the type of guy that she hope for to marry....someone who is a helpmate.. So i encourage you to get in there..

Denise - posted on 09/28/2015

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When my 4 year old was born I had more experience with babies then my husband. Naturally, I was more at ease with infant care at first. As it turned out my husband ended up being a SAHD. Needless to say he changed a lot more diapers then me. These are all learned skills, and being comfortable looking after a tiny baby is Scarry if you've never done it. Take a break, walk away, let him do it. If the diaper leaks, ore the romper is rumpled or the baby fusses, everyone will survive. If you believe your husband cannot and jump in to rescue him or the baby do it right or correct, all you will do remove the opportunity for learning and erode his confidence. If he asks you to show him how something is done, by all means show him but otherwise the only way he is going to learn is through practice. Trust me, my husband can changes cloth diaper in his sleep now, 4 years ago he looked at me with panic in his eyes every time DS cried.

Michelle - posted on 09/12/2015

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Wow Hailey, you really are stuck in the dark ages.
It takes 2 people to conceive a baby and it takes 2 people to raise a child. I agree with Andy that if you want him to learn how to do things, you need to not be around. While you are there to step in and do everything, he will continue to not do them. We aren't born with the skills to look after a baby, we need to learn them.
You are allowed to have time alone and away from the pressures of being a SAHM, everyone needs a break to recharge. Even if you just go out for a coffee for and hour or so, it can make a big difference.

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Tiscareno92805 - posted on 10/03/2015

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OK this is going to be kind of tough to take in but it's the truth. most men think it's the woman's job to do everything when it comes to kids my boyfriend is the same way I feel like I have to do everything and to top it off it's his first boy. when it comes to having time to yourself that's a must thank God that I have my older son to watch my boy for me while I use the restroom and I'm living by myself so I don't have anyone here sometimes and my sons already four months and I don't live with his dad so I understand you how he works a lot. What helped me was knowing that different cultures the men are different and I'm Mexican culture so all the women do the work and the men think of the women lazy if they don't do it it's sad but it's true I don't know what nationality you are . So the thing that worked for me was that I would push myself to do it and I looked at it like he was doing a favor by not doing anything and it would help me figure out that I can do anything thats a positive way to look at it but it did cause a lot of arguments so if Hes not going to do anything then what's the point in arguing with him just do it and try to have fun with it talk to your baby and make it a fun adventure whether it is making bottles or playing with him bathing him or changing his diaper you know take it easy don't take it too serious because I was in there for a while and is exhausting and just take your time there's no rush you know your babies there to get cared for and you have to put your needs a side for a while that's just what we do so good luck and I don't know what else to tell you this was helpfulOne more thing is the babies gonna cry and it's the point where I just don't know what to do and just remember he's going to be OK if he cries babies cry so if you can get him right away don't worry he will be fine

Michelle - posted on 09/17/2015

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How about suggesting both of you going to parenting classes. That way it's someone else telling him what babies do (cry) and he doesn't think it's just you nagging.

Amber - posted on 09/17/2015

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I'm about to be 21 and he is 30. He can hardly stand 5 mins of his crying before he gets me, he doesn't understand most of the time he crys when something is wrong. Also I don't have anyone that can watch him except a couple from church but they both work and have kids so I don't bother them.

Sofia - posted on 09/17/2015

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Your not alone, I always put my child and husband before me. I was 20 years when I knew I was pregnant and my husband was 21 so my pregnancy was a little difficult for both of us because we literally starting to know each other. The good news is we got through ! But sometimes is a little difficult because he acts childly and doesn't help with my daughter. He's a great father though, sometimes i have my "alone" time and he stays with the baby BUT!!!! in like a hour he starts calling me desperate for me to come home.

So what I normally do to get my time is to ask my mom to watch her in the weekends and of course I work! What I do is that went Im done with my work I go to the gym and then I pick her up from daycare. In the morning I drop her early on daycare and got my alone time preparing and doing some 10 minutes meditation. And now Im going to start studying my master's degree! Let's see how it goes! ( Sorry if I wrote something wrong my first language is spanish :) ).

Elizabeth - posted on 09/16/2015

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My husband is similarly challenged. The few times he's changed the baby's diaper, the diaper has wound up twisted and making the baby uncomfortable to the point of crying. Then hubby proceeds to tell me the baby is hungry and hands him to me. I nurse, so the hand off makes sense. What drives me bananas is when the baby's onesie isn't buttoned and so it's bunched up under the poor kid's armpits and the diaper is twisted to the point of discomfort. I fix the clothes situation while trying to nicely point out to hubby that the baby wasn't hungry, but in fact uncomfortable due to the haphazard clothing attempt.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... you're not alone. What I do to get my "me" time is I ask my mother-in-law to watch my boys for a bit. Right now, that's only when I have to attend my classes as I've gone back to school. In another comment of yours you mentioned some other family members. Could you possibly ask them to watch the baby for an hour or two so you can have some "me" time? Maybe make it a standing appointment that every week they watch the baby on at a specific time on a specific day and you can go do whatever baby free.

Amber - posted on 09/12/2015

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Thank you Michelle waldbilling! That was more along a response I wanted and you as well Andy cartwright

Amber - posted on 09/12/2015

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I put my child and husband before me, I stress everyday about doing things they need and making them happy. And I have no life past them, church, home, and my mom,niece, sister, and stepdad. I dont have friends and don't get to do things for me shoot I never get break. So don't go preaching to me what a women's place is. And that's not even half of it.

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