Husband issues

Mary - posted on 04/15/2013 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I'm having a really hard time with my husband and I have no idea what to do. Usually I'm pretty good with problem solving but I feel like we are so stuck right now. And I'm starting to get to the point now where I think mean, things in my head about him, often. I feel like I want to stop trying, which scares me.
First off, he has alot of trust issues that we had worked through some in the beginning but they are starting to resurace. And the last thing on my mind is cheating or replacing him. I have a one year old and just opening my own business (which he is jealous of) the last thing on my mind is keeping up with someone new!
He constantly complains is unhappy, stressed, hates his jobs, thinks that all he does is look after kids when he is home, which is a great dad and very helpful, it is definelty not all on him. And as a wife I am VERY understanding. like let him take a 3 hour nap on a Saturday while we could be doing something together. He is NEVER happy and it is very draining. We are having some really tough financial issues right now. We are BROKE, and so behind, so I know there is alot of stress, but when I try to do a budget he won't stick with it. I feel like I am trying so hard and he's just whining the whole time. And then at the end of the day wants to have sex, which I am completely turned off because of his negativity. I want to go to counsellor but I know he won't. He has been married and divorced before and thinks if he goes to the counsellor that she will "brainwash' me. Maybe thats what he thinks happened in hos past relationship.
Things just feel so tense, and I know it's so bad right now. I don't want to make things worse, but my honest opinion is that he has this marriage ending in his mind and focuses on how bad it will be. I think he's scared of being too comfy in this marriage incase I pull the rug out from him, like in his last relationship.
Is anyone else going through similar things, I do not want a divorce, but I'm getting scared.

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Samara - posted on 04/17/2013

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Lol I know! If I didn't know any better I'd swear you were married to my ex! LOL... But don't worry, I know this isn't so because he is still single and- surprise, surprise- still miserable... Our relationship began in a similar way. He had been in a very long relationship with a girl he loved & was engaged to & who had a child who he says he cared deeply for but she left him because it was just "too much to deal with" he says because he never could bring himself to trust her and would argue with her about the littlest things. However, he had been single for a few years before we met & claimed he had seen the light & changed his issues...ok, NOT! From day one I could tell he was still pretty bad, and, as many of us women do, I looked at his brighter side & held onto some hope that with a little bit of nurture & the right amount of love he will feel secure and we will live happily-ever-after. At that time, I too, thought I needed a little understanding because I was in a tough place myself- financially & a little bit emotionally stressed. I was growing older & watching my son grow up without a father and I think I had ultimately hoped to get married and solidify my family. He seemed to understand what I wanted, needed and hoped for, but, as time went on, I realized he was a much needier person than I was and because his needs were so deeply rooted & more of a psychological hardship (if that makes sense) they were impossible for me to fix without a majority of the effort coming from him. He would say he was trying, but just about each day or each week would be the same. The same issues, same obstacles would arise and his way of dealing with his mood & thoughts were a pattern that never truly changed. I felt like he had adopted this miserable man persona and had obviously grown so attached to it, perhaps from using it to protect him over the years- from heartache, from disappointment, from feelings of failure, etc. No matter who I was or how patient or understanding I was, nothing could get him to give up that damaged, overly cautious & negative man he had become so use to being. To this day, that is who he is. We have a son together & I fear the impact that weakness will have on him eventually and it sucks because I don't want my child to grow up with that same "victim-mentality" nor do I want him to miss out on the many years children should have not hearing & knowing the stress & sorrows as we do... There is one more thing that seems to be similar in our experiences too, and that is, as soon as I had a better income coming in he got worse and he was actually the one to officially leave out of the blue. He felt like I didn't need him & that because I was doing ok and moving up so to speak that he couldn't do or give me anything I couldn't get on my own. It was a blow to his manhood people would tell me. "He doesn't feel like the man of the house as much and that messes with a man's pride" they'd say. All I could say is that besides sitting back & losing all that I had worked so hard for & the stability I had going for my kids I couldn't do anything to boost his esteem in that sense. I come from a family of 6 boys and then myself and I was raised seeing men be men- you do what you have to in order to have the things you have & you don't constantly complain about it every day. I also grew up very close to my grandfather who immigrated here and started his own successful deli while raising 3 kids as a single father through much more trying times than we are. I was patient with my relationship but eventually you can't take up all the slack in every department of life so that they can continue to be difficult to work with. There's too much in life that already takes it out of you and too many other people to worry about (kids & family) and honestly, life is just way too short to have someone in your life who you have to be so consumed with trying to make things work when they don't make the effort as well. Looking back, I spent so much time & effort trying to get him to see what a great life we were working towards and how good things can be if you just make the effort to smile more often than not and see & embrace what you have. Instead I wish I had shown him more that he was a choice that I made in my life to be with and that he has some responsibility in that. That I could've choosen to be with anyone and not gone through this trouble & constantly have my needs put on the back burner. That there are plenty of men out there and one I'm sure would be happy to be a positive person in my life & strive to add to my happiness rather than subdue it. To see that from both sides we should feel at least a little bit honored to have the other want to dedicate themselves and their lives to us and work at doing whatever we can as individuals to preserve that. Ahhh men! Sure got me writing a book to you huh lol:) I'm sorry you're going through it too. Just be true to yourself in no matter what you do and remember that you & your needs are just as important. Congrats on the business too! I'm sure you will have great success!

Mary - posted on 04/16/2013

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Shell Re- Thank you so much for your suggestions. Unfortunately my husband does not have any close friends, which is terrible but his own doing. I have asked numerous times, what he would like, a break, a vacation, for us to go on a date, go for drinks with his brother. Their is only complaints that follow. So sad that he cannot see how fortunate he really is. Anytime he complains, I offer "what would you like' and he never takes me up on anything :(

Mary - posted on 04/16/2013

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Samara- I feel like you know my husband very well,lol. You are bang on. I think the toughest thing for me is that I knew the type of person he is when we got married. To be honest when we first got together he was in worse shape and we did see a counsellor. He was a mess and still not dealing with the divorce and losing his family/kids/wife/house etc. I have NEVER been classified as a untrustworkthy person in my life and within the first week h showed me signs. I think about a month or two in I finally said "look, this is you not me' and the jealous comments have to stop or this can't be. He did work on it and actually things haven't been "bad' for a couple years. But our living arrangements have changed within the last year. We live with my parents and I started a new business so I think he sees me as "comfy' and that it's easy for me to get out of the marriage now...which is so far from my intent. But as his insecurities build it's becoming a turn off. And I've stopped catering to him. I am a fairly intelligent person and know his happinessis his repsonibility (even though he doesn't believe that). I just can't even imagine being seperated from him, meaning going through it, because I think he would snap. I got married to be married forever but what do you do if the other won't cooperate? And the other doesn't want to get divorced either, but doesn't understand he's causing most of the problems.
Thank you so much for your post. I'm sorry that you had to go through that, but I'm glad you had the strength to put a stop to it. Also it's nice to know that I'm not the only one!

Samara - posted on 04/15/2013

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Insecurities are one of the toughest obstacles to get over in a relationship in my opinion because there is so little that you can do to truly make that person feel any different than they do. Being insecure requires everyone else to treat him with kid gloves & walk on egg-shells around his feelings in a constant effort to make him feel comfortable enough to believe in the reality of what he already has. That's a very tough one & it's completely unfair & emotionally draining to the other party. The only thing I can offer is from my own experience with my son's father. He too, would come home every day complaining about hating his job, that his life was so stressful & something always had to go wrong for him, that he can't ever get ahead... and so on & so on. I would do EVERYTHING in my power to make him happy and to assure him that I wasn't interested at all in finding anyone new. Eventually, I realized that I would start preparing & worrying hours before he would get home to try to make everything in the house perfect & happy for him for when he'd come in. Regardless of the loops that I would jump through to prove to him what we had was worth being proud & happy about & that I was all his, he could never see it or feel it with me. I begged him to go to counseling too to which he had the same response as your husband. I seriously think that these same very problems had to have contributed to his previous relationship falling apart though he'd never admit that. These men live in a very self-centered & warped world where if not everyone then the world is against them. I eventually grew tired of having the home that I am raising my children in be a constant battle field of negativity. How can I teach them (my kids) to love life, to overcome hardships with strength & pride, to be kind to the ones they love & to love the right way when their closest & most important environment sheds a negative question or light on all of that? It's not worth it to let one man's misery (no matter how he came by it) drag down another person let alone a whole family who has the potential to be happy. In the end, I decided that if he couldn't make the same efforts I was making to make this a happy life & a happy home for the kids he wasnt worth me wasting the years trying to fix his screwed up way of thinking. I begged him to see the impact he was having on our relationship & our life but he never really changed for more than a few months here & there. Finally, I told him I was sick of it and that he needed to get over it, grow up & move on and that life is a struggle emotionally, physically & financially for everyone including me but no one else has the option of just constantly complaining & whining about it. It is, what it is, so deal with it & don't make everyone around you suffer because life is too hard or unsatisfying to you. If you want or need something you don't have then speak up about what you need & go get it and if what you need is not for me & my life then let me know so I can find someone who is hoping to live the life I'm trying to live. Unfortunately, they are lazy (they won't make changes on their own to better things), skepitcal, cynical and selfish people who can not carry on a successful relationship with anybody because they are so consumed with their own insatiable needs that can never be met because they won't allow us to. I wish I could tell you to save yourself & your child the years of heartache because unless he can "man-up" get over his insecurities and issues he will never be the husband you need him to be nor the positive male role model/father your child will need so that they don't develop the same negative mind set & insecure mind set they will have grown accustomed to seeing. Hope you don't mind. Just my thoughts.

Shell - posted on 04/15/2013

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I think mean things about my husband sometimes to, pretty sure that's just normal. Maybe what he needs is a real break from the house. Time to get out and relax. My husband and I had a similar problem. I resented the fact he had a job and I got stuck with the kids all day long. I talked to him about it and he asked what I wanted to do. Told him I just wanted some "me" time and then every other weekend I would go out with friends and unwind. It worked like a charm. Just by him asking what I wanted to do really made the resentment go out the window. Try asking your husband if he wants to go do something for the day like catch up with his buddies or go to a car show. Admission to most small car shows are free, check your newspaper for date/time and most guys enjoy cars. Take the kids to a sitter or grands house. Get yourself some time to relax as well.

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