husband issues

Megan - posted on 09/19/2013 ( 14 moms have responded )

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I'll start from the beginning. We worked together, he was my boss, I wasn't looking to date anyone at the time, but with his charm I gave in. Quickly we we're inseperateable. We dated for a 1 yr and then I got pregnant. While we were dating we got drunk all the time, smoked weed and had sex almost everyday. All was fun. But I was raised a christian, and I knew better. So when I found out I was pregnant, I told him I want this to be serious and let's just get married. He said ok. So october 17 2012 we got married at the courthouse. Of course since being pregnant, I stopped drinking and smoking. And since having my son, I have contiuned not to smoke and only rarely drink. And I'm very happy with it. I have a lot more energy, I feel better and am always available for whatever with my kids. My husband is the opposite, he still wants to have fun. Drink smoke, whatever he wants when he wants. He is actually a little bit older than me, so of course after being married is when you really get to know someone. So I was really surprized that a man of his age, 41. Would only be thinking of himself. One time he got so drunk he beat me up. I left for a week and came back. Then a few months later, he got in my face and said he wanted to "beat my ass". So I left him again for a week. Of course he promises thing will change, but they never do. He says "I'm grown I can do what I want". I had an issue with him watching porn as well. Finally got him to stop doing that, everything is an arguement. He demeans me because I'm younger than him. When he gets upset he calls me a little girl. I'm so fed up with his attitude and the way he talks to me. He won't listen to reason. Everytime I try to have a conversation, he says he doesn't want to argue. Which I don't either, I want to be able to talk calmly to eachother and for him to really listen and care about my feelings. But he doesn't care. I'm trying so hard to get my marriage to work. But I feel like I'm the only one trying. I'm so depressed. He is so distant from me. Hardly communicates with me and is defensive with everything. I tell him that we are a team. And I'm not against him. But he does not listen...his biggest concern is his cigarettes and getting a buzz every weekend. While we have 2 babies.. someone help me!!

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Cecilia - posted on 09/22/2013

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You might want a happy marriage but he doesn't want a marriage at all. Your son would need to switch schools. It happens. If nothing else learn the bus system where you'll be moving to.

As for the cat and the dog, if they have to go to a shelter, that's what needs to happen.

You seem to worry about everything but the safety and well-being of your son. He needs a safe and happy home to grow and thrive in. The rest of the stuff means so little.

Cecilia - posted on 09/19/2013

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I honestly will say this, he did not lie to you about who he was. You knew who you were marrying. Correct? Now you want him to change. I'm not saying your'e wrong for it because now there is a child.

He has to want to change. If he doesn't it's like trying to get blood out of a stone. You're only real solution is marriage counseling. Someone who is outside the relationship to show him how he is seen. Will that work, probably not. The reason being, he doesn't respect you and never has. Love is about respect and trust.

Then the issue of hitting, not good and i think it's only like .03% of the time will that ever change. Since he sees himself as above you, I doubt he'll ever change.

I know it's hard to hear but the truth is for you and your kids' safety and well being you need to leave.

14 Comments

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Jane - posted on 09/24/2013

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Hi,

Sounds as if you aren't sure what you want to do. A lot of resentment and anger from the sounds of it - and I understand, I would as well.

My suggestion (I went through this recently with a good friend of mine) is to move out for a week, and focus on what is best for you and your children. Then decide what your next step will be, and go from there. If at the end of a week, you decide you want to stick with it but want to go to counselling for example, then tell him. His reaction to what you decide will let you know what you need to do.

You sound tired, overwhelmed, and confused and I understand completely. The drama will continue, unless you make a decision you can commit to. When you commit to a decision that's in yours and your children's best interests, people have a way of stepping up and helping.

Hope that helps :)

Megan - posted on 09/23/2013

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Yes first time I left I went to my moms for a week. She doesn't want me back. The 2nd time I went to stay with a couple. They have a lot of their own problems. So I'm not sure if they'll let me stay again. I talked to her today and told her I was looking for somewhere to go and she didn't mention anything. I guess everything could be excuses. But I'm afraid of him getting violent. He easily loses his temper. And hate for the kids to see it. So only peacefully when he is at work.

Cecilia - posted on 09/23/2013

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You say no family available yet you admitted you've left for a week at a time twice. There is somewhere you can go.

Why does he need to be gone to pack your things? You said he said he didn't care. He doesn't care if you and your son are homeless so why would he just all of a sudden care?

I feel like it's more excuses really. If you wanted to leave all this BS wouldn't really matter. The cat, the dog, the car, the school, the money, my stuff. Really it is all just excuses.

If you want to leave, leave..Go to a shelter if you have to but i doubt you've even asked family at this point for help.

Megan - posted on 09/23/2013

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I'm sick of it all. All this drama. How do I get started? To move out? I have no money saved. He wants me to pay some of the house bills. I only make 7.75 an hour working partime. And only way to peacefully pack my stuff and leave is when he is at work. But I need somewhere to live. No family available. Does anyone know where I could borrow money? A loan? I have no credit either

Julie A - posted on 09/23/2013

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Don't Ever allow a man to put his hands on you!! Please !! Happened to me once, and I ran as far away from him as I could even though it hurt like hell. I took my little boy and filed for divorce. A few years later I found a real man and am happily married with two little girls. I was not going to live that kind of life! There is so much better out there. Good luck .

Megan - posted on 09/22/2013

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True. My mom lives a good 30 mins away. If I moved in with her idk how I would get my son to school. Now I live 5 mins from his school. I feel like there is always something holding me back. I want a happy marriage. But I know that's not gonna happen right now. Or not with this man. Plus I have a cat and dog to take with me. Its all so crazy

Cecilia - posted on 09/22/2013

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To be honest,it doesn't shock me from what you've said about him. Call your family, get in touch with them some way. You have use of a computer so there is a way. The marriage is over. Just go don't make excuses about the car or money. Those things are not that important.

I'm not just saying this out of the blue. I've done it. I have no family and I left with a diaper bag and a grocery bag of my sons clothes. Best decision I ever mad. It's hard and you have to work for it. Hard does not mean impossible. Plus once you leave you can get child support to help you.

Megan - posted on 09/22/2013

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I don't know where to go. I have no money. And without him no vehicle. Which my son needs to be driven to school everyday and of course I work. He told me tonight that he doesn't want to be married anymore and doesn't care if me and the kids are homeless. All because he doesn't have any gas money for work. He said I should of got some for him. Wow right

Megan - posted on 09/20/2013

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I just started a part time job that is right above min wage. Both vehicles are in his name because I don't have any credit established. True he has to want to change.. he did for a little while. For almost 2 months he quit smoking and really slowed up on the drinking. He was super sweet and more energetic. Then he tripped at me and started back smoking. Its crazy how smoking really changes a person. Their mind set, attitude, everything. I feel like I'm waiting for him to notice how good I am to him.. but I don't he ever will. He is so set in his ways, but one day I hope, he'll figure out those ways aren't gonna make this marriage work

Gena - posted on 09/19/2013

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I agree with Cecilia and Jodi.Just would like to say that my husband is also 40 and i am younger,but he doesnt smoke and drink,he looks very well after me and our son and has never looked down at me because of the age difference.He respects me and i respect him...but thats how my husband was already when we met and thats why we got married.

Jodi - posted on 09/19/2013

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I agree with Cecilia, you knew who he was before you married him - you are the one who has changed not him. So I am not sure why you are now expecting him to change just because you want him to. People don't change just because they are over 40. I would definitely recommend counselling, and if he won't agree, given there has been violence and threats, you need to remove yourself from the situation.

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