Husband leaving for China for 6 months

Angela - posted on 10/22/2015 ( 9 moms have responded )

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A couple of weeks ago, my husband informed me that he was going on a job interview in Florida. He said that if he receives an offer, he will have to move to China for 6 months to train by teaching Chinese students. He has had trouble finding a steady job so we have been under financial strain. However, I never thought he would take a job that would require him to move to China for 6 months. He never discussed this with me and made the decision to go without my opinion, thoughts or concerns. We have seven children living in the home. One has autism and another has learning disabilities. I work part time. My husband and I were separated for a short time last year because of marriage difficulties. We moved to S.C. about 4 years ago from AZ to be near family. He was still in AZ for almost two years before he joined us here. I found out that he had lost money gambling and also spent several hundred dollars in a gentleman's club the night before he flew home to be with us for good.

Now, he is getting ready to move to Macau, China where the gambling is rampant. It is called the Las Vegas of Asia. I am hurt that he has made this decision without considering my feelings. I already have trust issues. He will not even be straight forward with me as to how much money he will be making over there. And he is leaving us with no emergency fund in case something happens. I am about ready to to divorce him. How would you handle this? He leaves November the 3rd and will be gone until April. He will not be able to visit. Thanks!

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Jodi - posted on 10/22/2015

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I'd be filing for divorce, custody and child support. He has absolutely no right to make a decision like this to just up and leave you and his 7 children. To be honest, your marriage sounds incredibly unstable already, given you have already been separated, AND given the 2 year separation not all that long ago because of his significant issues. Time to pull the plug on this one. Do you have family who can help support?

Michelle - posted on 10/24/2015

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My first though was, when he leaves to go to China, change all the locks on the house and change the bills into your name. That way he can't get into the house when he gets back. Sorry, just being a bit nasty but it would be funny since he refuses to move.
You are the one he has left with 7 children! You deserve the house at least.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/22/2015

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I'm sorry, but if my husband, and life partner even presumed to THINK that it was a decision he could make on his own...we wouldn't be married!

I'd suggest that you make sure that you can get yourself some security. Keep separate accounts, etc, and let him know that his actions are not inducing trust. I'd suggest some counseling for both.

Michelle - posted on 10/22/2015

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I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like you have a very good marriage at all.
Maybe while he is gone get yourself sorted out and put things in place to be on your own.
I personally wouldn't stay married to someone who had done all of that to me. A marriage is a partnership and communication is the key to a great marriage. You don't have that at all.
Maybe even let him know that if he goes you won't be there when he gets back. Let him choose what he actually wants.

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Candie - posted on 10/23/2015

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I'm sorry, sweetie. He's not giving you much time to do anything. If I'm truly trying to see this from both sides, I'd say he may be thinking that this is his only option to try to provide for his family. Not discussing it with you first definitely is not a good thing. I can also see how he might feel frustrated if what he thought he was doing for his family is now backfiring.
My DH is in the military, and when he leaves his paychecks are set up for direct deposit. He has his debit card, so he has access, but the money gets placed into our joint account. Is there any way you can ask him to set it up that way?
Even though 6 months is a long time, when he gets back, it would give you time to try to work things out. It sounds like you would benefit from attending regular counseling sessions, but timing is not on your side right now. Did you seek out counsel when you found out about the gambling and club? It's really easy to avoid difficult talks, but they need to happen. Praying for you; may you receive the wisdom and strength you're seeking.

Angela - posted on 10/23/2015

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Michelle,

I agree. I told him that he is going to regret this decision and that he is going to lose his family. He said, "So be it. I am tired of being poor." He gets very defensive when I bring it up. I have gotten angry with him a few times and just tells me to get out of his face and to "F_ _ _" off. Thanks for your comment!

Angela - posted on 10/23/2015

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Thanks Jodi, I have my dad.He gave me 500 dollars the last time my husband and I were separated for legal services. I hate to ask him again. I do have a strong support system in my workplace and friendships. Finding the finances to start divorce proceedings in the big problem. Hubby knows that so he must not be to worried to follow through with this decision. And he will probably justify it in court that he made this decision because we were struggling financially and he needed to take the job to provide for the family.

Angela - posted on 10/23/2015

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Thank you for your comments ladies! I truly appreciate it! The thing that is tricky about this situation is that once he leaves to go abroad, it will be very difficult to serve papers because he probably will not give me his address. And even if he does, China does not allow legal papers into the country via mail. Believe me, I have done my research. I asked him to just go ahead and leave since he is leaving us anyway. He said no. He said that it is his house and he is staying there until he leaves to go abroad. He knows that if he leaves now that I can serve him papers while he is still in the country. I tried to get him to sit down and go over the finances with me. He said he would pay the bills from China. But he would not sit down and talk to me. I cannot afford a lawyer, so I am trying to get through to S.C. legal services and that is a challenge. Has anyone on here been through something similar? I think he believes he can just go over to China and expect to come back home after the 6 months. I do not want him to come home. I am tired of being treated like this. Thanks everyone!

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