husband left me and he is a functioning alcoholic

Teressa - posted on 06/18/2013 ( 5 moms have responded )

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hi all, i am in pieces. I have been with my husband for 7 years and we have 3 children. Over the years his drinking has excessively increased. He was married before and his wife left him for the same reasons. Anyhow, 3 weeks ago i found messages on his phone from another woman who he alledges was a 1 night stand along with text messages, phone cals. Messages read how they loved making love to each other and i am devastated. for 2 days my husband looked devastated as he has never cheated before, he stated he was drunk and it should not have happened. 2 days later i can home from work to find that he had left. He has now managed to get a flat and he ignores all my phone calls/text messages stating that he needs time and space. I know the other woman is no longer part of the picture for sure! My husband looks at me as though i am the one that cheated. He calls me names, turns up drunk whilst driving giving me abuse, telling me its the chaotic busy house full of children that made him leave (the oldest is his step son) who has ADHD and he blames him as to the reason he will not come home. In 3 weeks i fly out of the country with my children on my own and have had to cancel his flight tickets. I fly out for a month.

I am truely devastated, i have tried for years to change his drinking and it just keeps getting worse and worse. He treats me as the enemy and he has cut me out of his life. I have done nothing wrong. I phone, begging pleading asking him to come home, get help for his alcohol addiction and state i will learn to trust him again. My self esteem is shot, i feel worthless and have lost a massive amount of weight. Him getting his own flat tells me there is no home but i am struggling to understand why he is not on his hands and knees begging me for forgiveness. I hardly function, i have had to have time off work and feel that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I want him back but NOT as a drinker and i have told him so. How can he cut me out of his life as though i dont exist. He still sees the kids but will only pick them up from the child minders now. He says he never wants to set eyes on me again.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

He is not begging you for forgiveness because he doesn't want you back. He is an alcoholic. He knows you don't want him unless he gives up drinking, which he is unwilling to do right now--his alcohol is more important than to him than you or your children have ever been.

One day, he might get help and realize what he threw away, but right now he wants to drink more than he wants to have a family. That's what alcoholic means: Alcohol is the most important thing in his life, and he is willing to give everything else up for it. Until HE decides that he wants help, anything you do to try to make him stop drinking will just make him drink more and push you further away.

Just leave him and build a life for you and your children without him.

[deleted account]

You haven't done anything wrong.
He will hit rock bottom soon, and he'll learn the pain you are feeling right now.
I think the vacation will be very good for you, and even if he does come back before you go, go without him. You need some time to find your independence and space to become comfortable without him by your side. I know it is difficult, and painful, and scary right now, but you do NOT need him in your life. You are better off without him right now, and possibly always will be.

One note, if you know when and where he is driving drunk, you NEED to call the police so that they can stop him. You can do this anonymously if you are in the US, laws may vary elsewhere, but I'm pretty sure most countries have this option. Just call the local police department and tell them where he is and what he is doing. Driving drunk puts everyone on the road at risk--he could kill someone's baby, someone's father or mother, who is completely innocent of wrongdoing. Personally, I never forgive drunk driving, so if I were you, I'd never take him back, but it's up to you whether you think you can forgive him for attempting to murder innocent people, which is exact driving drunk is doing. Every time he drives drunk, he is saying "I don't care if I kill innocent people." and that is not the kind of person I would want to be with. EVER.

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Teressa - posted on 06/18/2013

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hi i am desperately trying to. I keep thinking of the beginning although i new he drunk heavily he knocked it all on the head for a period of time. I have begged and pleaded for about 5 years, the time he started drinking again. I am struggling to understand how he has totally cut me off even though i did nothing wrong. Over a period of 4 years, every 3 months we would argue badly because of his drinking leading to verbal abuse, he would leave and then return. This time he has cut me dead. I have now stopped begging and pleading as i was literally on my knees even though cheated. It is soooo hard though, i am lonely, depressed can see he is moving on and yet i cant. He is actively out enjoying himself, going out when he wants, drinking and driving as he wants, he does not have the kids to tie him down.

It is though over the years, he lowered my self worth and i feel totally dependent on him. I am frightened about going on holiday with the kids in 3 weeks for 1 month but they are all looking forward to it. I suppose the time abroad will help me come back with a fresh head, ready to start living again. At the moment i take each day as it comes. there are times i cry all day, there are others when i feel like he can rot. I am that angry and upset i just want him to land on his arse as each day my little uns ask when their daddy is coming home and it just breaks my heart.

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